As Harry and I leave the room of requirement, I feel myself shaking. Out here, in the open, I feel vulnerable to attack by anybody who feels the desire to hurt me. While Harry is here to protect me, he can't hold my hand or hug me or tell me that everything is going to be okay and suddenly I find myself just wishing that we were alone again. He seems to sense my anxiety and puts his hand on my shoulder like he did the night he found me in the bathroom.
"It's alright, Draco. You're okay." I take a deep breath and wave of nausea overcomes me.
"I think I'm gonna be sick," I breath out. He rubs my shoulder.
"You're alright." I shake my head.
"No, I mean it. I think I'm going to be sick." I turn and rush toward the bathroom and Harry follows me, hurriedly. I run into a stall and make it just in time as the sandwich I just ate presents itself for a second time. I feel Harry rubbing my back as I wretch, and wish that he wouldn't but can't articulate myself otherwise. I lean over the bowl, gasping, and stand up when I feel confident that there isn't anymore. I don't have my bag with me so I rinse my mouth out with water as Harry watches me worriedly from a few feet away.
When I finish, I walk back over to Harry, slowly, worried that he'll somehow think that I did it on purpose. He doesn't seem angry, though, only worried, and pulls me into his arms as I approach him. I sniff.
"I told you I couldn't eat." I mumble into his shoulder. I feel him wince and regret saying it. Harry sighs.
"We'll try again later." I open my mouth to protest but he doesn't let me. "We're going to try again, later, Draco. You're not going to bed tonight without getting some decent food into your system. I think you're anxious about everything that's gone on today, and it made you sick. When you calm down and we're away from all this stimulation, we're going to try again." I chew on my lip. "I'm going to eat too, Draco," He tells me, "I'm not just going to stare at you as you do." I nod into his shirt, grateful that he's making an effort to avoid making me uncomfortable.
"Let's go for that walk now," I request, quietly. "Maybe it will settle my stomach." He nods, gently.
"Alright, Draco. Let's go." As we exit the bathroom, I walk close enough to him that our shoulders touch. If I'm completely honest with myself, I want to be holding on to him, but I don't want to disgrace his image with that kind of company. Reminding myself of this, I step a little further away.
The weather outside is nice today, if a little cold, so there aren't many people in the castle halls. As we approach the front door, I find myself growing more and more nervous. If there's no one in here, then that means that a lot of people are out there.
We reach the castle doors and Harry pushes them open. As I expected, it seems that most of Hogwarts are chilling out by the lake, seeming not at all bothered by the chill. I stop walking.
"Are you alright?" Harry asks me. I have to think about it. Am I okay? I shake my head. "Do you want to go back inside?" I take a deep breath.
"No," I tell him, "let's walk." He regards me cautiously.
"Alright." I follow him, probably closer than I should, out toward the partially frozen lake and try to ignore the stares that I know we are already receiving. The thing is, it's not that I'm embarrassed of being seen with him. I don't want to embarrass him by being seen with me. And to be honest, I don't like the attention I'm getting because it makes it more likely that someone will turn around and make some sort of jab at me, and I truthfully don't think that I could take that right now.
We make it halfway around the lake before either of us says anything, which I feel guilty for because I said I wanted to come out here so that we could talk.
"You don't think I rushed you too quickly into a relationship, do you?" He asks me worriedly. I shake my head, answering him quickly.
"No, no. Not at all." I tell him. "I'm happy for it, I really am. I've just… I've never been in a real one before… I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do." He smiles, looking a little bit relieved.
"Well that's easy, Draco. We just take things naturally, as they come. When you're ready to be public, we'll be public, and until then we'll be discreet. Being together means that we rely on each other, trust each other, and take care of each other. You know," he adds, "with the occasional fun added in." I laugh, relaxing a little, and let myself smile for once.
"Alright. But… I'll probably need you a lot more than you need me…" I say slowly, hoping that won't be a problem. He smiles warmly.
"That's fine, Draco." Feeling content for the first time in a while, I close my eyes against the wind and just feel the air against my skin. I've never done this before, just walked around with a friend. Or boyfriend I think to myself, blushing.
By the time we make a complete revolution around the lake, I've relaxed considerably. I'm starting to feel like I might be okay and even (though I won't tell Harry this) a little bit hungry. I feel like I belong here, and I start to wonder if maybe Harry isn't embarrassed by me after all. He doesn't seem at all bothered by the looks we've gotten thus far, and has actually gotten closer to me as we've walked on. After a little while of comfortable silence, Harry speaks.
"I want you to meet my friends, Draco," he tells me. My breath catches in my throat. Harry's friends are Gyffindors.
"I-I don't know…" I answer slowly. He looks at me calmly.
"They won't be mean to you, Draco, I promise. And we don't have to tell them we're together if you don't want to." I think it over for a moment.
"You promise they won't be mean to me?" I ask, wincing at the fact that I sound like a child. "Because I don't think I can handle that sort of thing right now…" He puts a hand on my shoulder and then takes it off because we're not supposed to be public. I wish he'd put it back.
"I promise, Draco. I won't let anybody hurt you." I chew on my bottom lip.
"Well… alright." He smiles.
"I'm so glad, Dray. You need to be part of a group." Seeing my look he adds, "They don't need to know anything you don't want them too." I nod.
"Are we going to meet them now?" I ask, tentatively, not sure what I want the answer to be.
"They're sitting over under that tree," he answers affirmatively. I take a deep breath. I've been feeling good this last hour; I'm not going to fall apart now. I allow him to lead me over to a group a people who are sitting under a tree and talking. I recognize all of them: Weasley, Granger, Thomas, Finnegan, and Longbottom.
They all stop talking as we approach, and turn to stare at me. I step slightly behind Harry as if trying to hide behind him.
"Hey, guys," Harry tells them as we approach, "you all know Draco." I close my eyes. This can't end well.
"Uhm… yeah…" I hear one of them respond. "What exactly are doing with him?"
"Well, you know how we've been civil the last two years, and we've finally decided there's no reason we can't get to know each other a bit." I open my eyes, wincing, preparing for the attack that's sure to come. I've never felt so uncomfortable in my entire life. All five of them appear more shocked than angry. They all look at me. I chew on my lower lip and nod, in an attempt to answer the question they seem to be asking me.
"So why is he here, again?" asks Finnegan. "Just because you've decided to put up with him doesn't mean we have to." This was a terrible idea. Granger glares at the Irish boy.
"Stop it, Seamus," she says reproachfully. "If he's here clearly he wants to make amends to us, as well, and we should respect him for that." Finnegan grumbles something but doesn't actually say anything else.
"I can just go," I say quietly. Harry looks at me.
"No, you don't need to go anywhere."
"Yeah," Granger says, "come sit down." Harry sits and invites me down. I do so, and sit as close to him as possible.
"Draco," Harry says to me, "You know Hermione, Ron, Dean, Seamus, and Neville." They all (Finnegan grudgingly) give me a wave and an awkward greeting. We sit in silence for a while.
"So…" Weasley asks after a moment, obviously trying to break the tension. "How did this start?" He gestures between the two of us. I blush, and remember that we don't have to tell them anything. But, also remembering that Harry said I need to start trusting people if I'm going to get better, I settle for saying:
"Harry's helping me through some stuff right now." I gauge their reactions closely, ready for any sign that I'm about to be laughed at. They all seem to accept this, however, and Granger even has the decency to look concerned. Some of the tension in my body starts to release as I realise that they aren't about to attack me. I subconsciously thumb at my wrist, over my bandages. I think Granger notices this but she doesn't say anything.
"I think we all know that the Slytherins are a bunch of arseholes," Harry says further, "and Draco doesn't like to be around them and I don't think any of us can blame him for that." There's a general sound of agreement among them. This is followed by another awkward silence.
"So, Draco," Thomas finally speaks up, "What kind of stuff really goes down in the Slytherin common room?" I notice his use of my name with a shock, and smile a little bit as I realize that he's holding Finnegan's hand. Maybe I do stand a chance at acceptance here.
"Well," I answer slowly, "it's completely boring, really. Everyone is all prim and proper all the time… and you can't leave your stuff around because people are always stealing it. And it's bloody cold, all the time. You'd think it was some kind of lair down there." With that, the tension seems to break and conversation starts to flow naturally. I even begin to enjoy myself after a while.
We talk for around an hour about various subjects, and I catch myself laughing for who knows what time today. I'm actually starting to feel truly happy when Weasley suggests we go upstairs and get some lunch. Suddenly, I feel like all the air has been let out of me.
"Why don't you come and join us, Draco?" Longbottom asks.
"I-"
"Yeah, Draco, come on," Harry says, and I realize that I won't get out of this.
"Alright," I answer quietly, resisting the tears that are threatening well up. I follow them silently up to the castle. You can do this, I tell myself, it's just lunch. I feel Harry put a comforting hand on my shoulder.
When we reach the Great Hall, I have to resist the urge to turn around and run. I sit, tentatively, at the Gryffindor table, across from the others, and start to put on my plate the gentlest foods I can find. Don't be nervous, I tell myself, that's what got you sick this morning. You're not fat, and no one is going to judge you. I take a deep breath and nearly jump out of my skin when Harry grabs my hand beneath the table. His presence gives me a new resolve.
I take a bite, and let myself join in on the conversation, just as if I belong there.
