This chapter seems to fit a more traditional 'Googie style', I think; at least toward the end. I'll leave it at that, so I don't spoil it for you.
Disclaimer: Own nobody; if I did...well, a lot of things would be different.
He shook his head. "No. We-or you-have just determined that I'm bad about that. So tell me, just tell me in plain English what I should be reading from you. Tell me. Straight talk, remember?"
Leave it to him to talk in circles and put it back on her. But dammit, he did have a point. Maybe plain English was what she needed, was what he needed from her.
"I'm sorry," she started simply.
"Nothing wrong with my hearing, Beckett. You've said that several times already. Next?"
She took a deep breath. Because she had so much to tell him, but the next words weren't going to be easy for her, even now.
"I haven't made the best choices when it comes to you, Castle. I know that. But...there's something in me now that just...wants you around." Boy, did that sound lame once it was out of her mouth. She looked uncomfortable as she bit her lip and seemed like she was contemplating, but then she corrected herself. "No, that's not entirely right. You asked me before what I wanted, and I said you. And that's true, but it's not entirely true." She shook her head slightly and seemed to take another fortifying breath. "I don't just want you around, Rick. I need you there. I need you."
After she finished, she huffed out another breath, relieved that she'd admitted it, but at the same time displaying her nervousness at what his response would be. He stared at her, cocking his head to the side just a little bit as if he was trying to analyze her comments. Which, knowing him, of course he was.
"In what capacity?"
Despite the time lag since she'd spoken, she didn't even try to pretend to not know what he meant. But the nerves weren't abating; they were getting stronger. "I...I told you that before. When I said I wanted to...fix myself first, before we could see if we could make...a relationship work."
"Relationship," he parotted, nodding. "That would be the 'date, spend time together and do romantic things' type of thing that you'd mentioned earlier?"
How did he do that? She'd just thrown those words out there a while ago in a fit of uncomfortable nerves, put on the spot as she was. And now as he repeated the words back to her, it seemed that he remembered them verbatim.
There was no going back now though, was there? And as hard as it was to go forward, she knew she didn't want to go back. As if to more solidify the words she was about to say, she got up from the couch, and she walked over to where he was standing. "Yes," she finally said. "That's what I want."
"Now, after all of this time." He stated it matter-of-factly.
How many times did she need to say it to him? Well, by the way he was questioning her, apparently quite a few. "Yes, after all of this time," she repeated. "I want to see if we can do this, Castle. You and me. Like that. I...I think I'm ready. " And through some courage that she didn't think she posessed right then, she finally uttered the words that voiced the worry that had been in the back of her mind the entire time. "If you still want me." Her voice came out softer than she expected for those final words, and it sounded to her like little more than an insecure, scared whisper.
Rick looked at her standing before him, telling him that she wanted a relationship. With him. More than partners. It was something that he'd been waiting to hear come out of her mouth for a few years. Sometimes, he wondered if he'd ever hear it, if they'd ever get to that point. He almost didn't believe that he was hearing it now.
But then reality reared its ugly head, and he remembered the lies, how much her betrayal had hurt. How stupid he felt when she told him about her lie, like she'd been playing him like a fool. He felt a little better about it now that they'd talked-and yes, yelled and argued too-but there was still that knot in his stomach. And he knew that it would probably be there for a long time.
He wanted to believe her. Oh, how he wanted to believe her!
But he was still gun-shy when it came to her. He didn't know if there was any singular incident in his life that had hurt him as much as when she admitted that she'd heard his declaration of love but had chosen not to acknowledge it. He'd always trusted her implicitly, unwaveringly, but she'd abused that trust. He knew she was regretting that now, but at the same time, she consciously chose to do it. She might have had her reasons, and there were probably things that they both could have done differently throughout the course of their partnership that would have led to a different outcome now. But what was done was done, and they had to find a way to get through it.
But did he want her?
Despite the hurt, the feelings of betrayal, her closed off emotions and all of her emotional baggage, he knew he'd only have one answer to that question.
Yes.
Because even after all of that, he was finding that it just wasn't that easy to turn your emotions off like a light.
But he was still worried. She held his heart, and she'd had it for a while. He let her know once that she'd had it, that it had been hers for the taking, but she pretended that she didn't see it lying there at her feet, just waiting for her to pick it up. No, instead she'd stepped over it, and on it, and had continued to keep walking on it, like a rug, never acknowledging that it was even there.
So did he give it to her again? How could he trust that she would care for it any more now than she did before?
"Rick?"
Her voice interruped his ruminations, and he realized that she'd volleyed with her statement about if he still wanted her or not, and now it was his turn to return the volley. His turn to speak. Up until now, he'd made her tell him what her feelings were; he figured she owed him that much after her lie. But now it was his turn to say something meaningful, and put something out there.
"No, I don't want..." he started, trying to figure out a way to convey exactly what was going through his mind. But then he saw her blanch, the color, what little there was, actually drain away from her face. Her mouth dropped open, seemingly in shock over the words that he spoke. Her eyes got big, and then once more he saw them start to glisten as the moisture in them increased. At first he didn't know what had caused such a reaction, but then he remembered her specific statement, followed by his response, and he knew that she'd been so eager for his answer that she'd jumped to conclusions before he'd even been able to finish his thought.
She was standing close enough to him, and though he hesitated for a moment, he reached out and gave her upper arm a quick, awkward rub of reassurance before letting it drop to his side again. "No, no...let me finish," he ordered, and he saw her take a quick, stuttery breath. "I don't want the old you. I don't want the lying, no matter what the reason. I don't want pretenses. I want honest thoughts, honest emotion, and if for some reason you're not sure what that is, then I want to know that. We share. We've known each other for too long, we've been through too much together to do this any other way."
She seemed to calm down as he was talking, but she still took a couple of deep breaths like she was trying to will her heart rate to return to normal. Her eyes flitted between his face and what must have been a very interesting spot on his floor. "Okay," she finally said. "I can do honest. I didn't much like the alternative anyway. But the emotion part of it...I'll try. I'll probably have some hiccups, because you of all people know how hard that type of thing is for me. But I will try." Then, more softly, she added, "For you."
"No, Kate, not just for me." He shook his head. "For you too, because you can't really live if you're closed off like that. And for us, if there's going to be an 'us'."
She felt hope flare inside of her when he mentioned the word 'us' like it was a possibility. But he still hadn't answered her...whether he still wanted her. She'd pushed him away, kept him at arm's length, and she knew that he'd had the opportunity to find someone else but he hadn't. She'd always hoped he was waiting for her. Hell, the arrogant part of her just assumed he would wait for her, especially after his declaration in the cemetery. Assuming he was telling the truth then. And that was one thing that she'd never really gotten a definite answer about, not in all of the time that they'd been talking. She'd brought it up, said that she was worried about it, but they'd talked around it, never about it. But maybe now was the time. She spent ten months wondering, and it was one of the things that had affected her enough so she chose to make the decisions that she did. And now, he was talking about truth and honesty. So, she figured, now was the time to get an answer to that ten month old question.
"In my apartment last May...our argument..."
His mind flashed back to that night. 'And what about you, Rick?' She'd already referenced that night a couple of times, and he had regrets for how he handled it then, despite the fact that given the circumstances, he didn't know if it would have gone any better with any different type of response from him. "Yes?" he answered, wanting to see exactly where she was going with this.
"I need to know...what you said during our argument...was that true? Or...the cemetery?" She couldn't say the words, and she couldn't ask any more directly. He knew what she meant anyway. She could see by the flash in his eyes that he knew exactly what she meant. But then, she realized that she didn't want to hear any grand declarations, either way, not now. Not until they were on less shaky ground. She clarified, "I don't mean...I don't want you to say anything now. I just want to know once and for all what you felt back then."
"That argument...everything I said was true. I'm sorry I upset you then, but I'm not sorry I said it, and I stand by it." He was talking about how he accused her of hiding behind her mother's murder, but as he saw her shoulders slump ever so slightly when he voice the words, he realized that she was talking about a lot more than what he'd referenced, and he knew he needed to address the other part of her question. "And what I said in the cemetery..." He paused, and shrugged casually, but the casual nature of the gesture was belied by the way he pinned her with his gaze. "That was true too."
Her breath caught in her throat. After ten months of wondering, she had her answer. She didn't have to wonder anymore. She'd always hoped that was the case, but when she was feeling low or was feeling stressed, the doubts surfaced again. And the longer she kept her own secret, the more doubts she had. But now she knew. And it was a good feeling.
"Okay..." she said, and then, though she tried to stop it, she couldn't; the smile just bloomed on her face. "Okay." She looked nervously down at the ground for a second, but then her eyes were drawn to him again.
"Yeah?" He was a little taken aback by that smile, considering what they'd been through that afternoon, emotions running the gamut. But there was Kate Beckett, smiling, after he confirmed that he did indeed mean the words that he spoke to her as she lay bleeding from her gunshot wound all of those months ago.
She was smiling. She wasn't running, or denying, or pretending it never happened. She was smiling.
"Yeah," she confirmed. "That's...uh..." As she spoke, she must have realized that she was smiling like a lunatic in the midst of an intensely serious and emotional discussion. "Uh..." She schooled her features into a more Beckett-style expression. "That's good, Castle. Thank you for letting me know. I appreciate that," she finished, sounding like a prim and proper nineteenth century schoolteacher.
He regarded her with narrowed eyes as he cocked his head back. "Whoa. Was that a hiccup?"
"Excuse me?" she asked.
"A hiccup. Honest emotion, remember?" he asked, referring to what she'd just said about opening up. "You were smiling like you were a little girl who got her first Betsy Wetsy doll, but then you just turned it off and talked to me like you talked to that crazy cat lady who thought she murdered the fake Arctic Explorer in her mind." He made a face and then tried to mimic her. "'Thank you for letting me know. I appreciate that.' You call that honest?"
Oh, crap, she did do that. She tried to turn it off. She tried to hide. But she didn't need to do that with him anymore, did she? And she'd promised to try. "I'm sorry." When she heard the words, she cringed. She was saying that so much lately! "I was...uh...happy. That you said that. I'd wondered about it for a long time, so it means a lot to finally know the truth. I'm a...a little bit happy, I guess." She smiled again then, not the face-splitting smile from a few minutes before that, but a genuine smile nonetheless. "So thank you."
She was happy. Okay, then. "You're welcome," he replied graciously. But then, he couldn't resist. "See, now that wasn't so hard, was it?" he chided.
She glared at him. "Oh, shut up, Castle." But then she shrugged. "Honestly? It was a little hard, but I'll work on it." A shadow crossed her face then, and she bit her lip as she was obviously thinking about what to say next. "I...uh...I was happy to hear it, okay? What you said, I mean. That you meant it. You know." She looked at him, but he was just waiting for her to get to the point. "I know we're not better yet."
He nodded. "I'm still mad, Kate. It was a blow to me."
"I know."
"But I know I'm not totally blameless. We've had a lot of things that we both could have done differently. And if we'd been more honest with each other from the start, then maybe we wouldn't be standing here still smarting from everything that's happened this afternoon."
She knew that he spoke the truth. And she really didn't have anything to add, so she simply nodded in agreement. "I know it'll take time, and...please don't take this the wrong way, but no matter how honest I can try to be, I know I'm going to need time to get used to...us. I went too slowly before. But I don't want to make a mistake now by going too fast to try to counteract that. Does that make sense?"
He thought for a moment, but had to admit that what she was saying did make sense. Especially when they were both damaged. Rushing into anything now would just be a recipe for disaster, just a different kind of disaster. He nodded in agreement.
"And I...I like you, Castle. As more than a friend."
He couldn't resist. He just couldn't. "I like you too, Kate. Wanna go steady and you can wear my letter jacket?"
She narrowed her eyes at the typical-Castle turn in the conversation. "Do you even have a letter jacket?"
He smiled a cocky smile at her. "As a matter of fact, I do. Found it in a consignment shop for a costume party once."
She rolled her eyes. "Focus, Castle. I'm trying for serious emotion here." She paused to let that sink in. "I just wanted to say that I know I have feelings for you, but my feelings are all mixed up right now. When I figure them out, you'll be the first to know." She watched him for a reaction. "Is that...all right?" she asked hesitantly.
He thought about it. Saying what she said just then, he realized that he probably believed that a lot more easily than if she'd made declarations of undying love for him. Sure, that would be great, but it if came now, he knew he'd always have doubts about the timing, that she only said it because of their argument. This way was better; the specter of their argument wouldn't be hovering over them forever. So he nodded at her, letting her know that he could handle that.
And with all of the talking they'd done that afternoon, they now just stared at each other, neither knowing exactly what to say.
Finally, Kate took the bull by the horns and asked, "So...uh...we're, um...dating?" Even though they'd been talking around it all day, to hear it now was still in the realm of strange for them.
He looked a little bit stunned too. "Uh, yeah. I guess."
"Okay." She nodded. "So, uh, where do we go from here?"
There it is. Hope you enjoyed it (at least better than the last chapter).
Once again, I'm on twitter (xxGoogiexx) and now tumblr (xxGoogiexx dot tumblr dot com). Feel free to look me up.
If you have story alerted this story, I would really appreciate you leaving a review or sending me a PM and telling what you like about the chapter or the story in general. I still get vastly more story alerts than reviews. While I love the people who consistently review the chapters-and please, keep that up; you're great!-I still want to hear from the rest of you to get your viewpoints and critiques too. If you thought enough of it to alert it, then you have a viewpoint, and I'd very much like to hear it.
If any of you found them uncomfortable in this chapter, that's good! That's how they were supposed to come across. They had their little bubble of some sort of relationship that was in a holding pattern, but that all changed when she revealed her secret/lie. They both had to examine their feelings and that relationship a lot. It affected them. But now that they're coming out the other side, they find that they look at things differently and that they're not the same people, nor do they have the same relationship anymore. They now have a challenge of honesty. It's all brand new territory for them now, and when faced with it and being forced to confront it, they're kind of awkward. And now so much has happened that knowing what the next step is can be scary, and yes, uncomfortable. That's my take on it anyway.
Lastly, I've gotten a fair number of questions lately about one of my other stories, "Melting Slowly". In a nutshell, after the wonderful response that Blizzard got, it seemed like people weren't into the sequel. I kept writing it, but traffic and response really dropped off over the last couple of chapters that I published and honestly, I got discouraged so I decided to take a break from it. This story came along during that break, and since then, I've been working on "Tell". But since it seems that at least some people do miss "Melting Slowly", I'll work on updating that again soon and see if there's any renewed interest.
Thank you for reading!
