Chapter Nine – Fears And Memories
October had rolled around quicker than Rachel anticipated, and soon Heidi was running up to her after school with drawings and designs of the different costumes she wanted to wear for Halloween.
The leaves had changed colour and the cold air was really beginning to settle in now. Soon the frost would be arriving and then a whole knew year would arrive.
"I wonder what surprises await for me." Rachel sighed to herself, watching a leaf fall from a near by tree and sway over to her. She smile sweetly as she pursed her lips and blew it so that it flipped and danced in the air once again.
Rachel stood at the playground wrapping her arms around her shoulders and biting her lip. Heidi had been at school – well, kindergarten – for nearly two months now, and she couldn't believe that pretty soon her little girl would be turning five, gradually progressing to become a 'big girl'. Five years had just flown by. In her head, she started to hum, soon quietly singing to herself, a song from legendary Broadway production of 'Mamma Mia' by the brilliant band 'Abba'.
"Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning, waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile. I watch her go. With a surge of that well-known sadness and I have to sit down for a while. The feeling that I'm loosing her forever, and without really entering her world I'm glad whenever I can share her laughter that funny little girl Slipping through my fingers all the time I try to capture every minute. The feeling in it slipping through my fingers all the time do I really see what's in her mind each time I think I'm close to knowing. She keeps on growing. Slipping through my fingers all the time Sleep in our eyes. Her and me at the breakfast table. Barely awake I let precious time go by then when she's gone there's that odd melancholy feeling and a sense of guilt I can't deny. What happened to the wonderful adventures the places I had planned for us to go well some of that we did but most we didn't, and why I just don't know Slipping through my fingers all the time I try to capture every minute the feeling in it. Slipping through my fingers all the time do I really see what's in her mind each time I think I'm close to knowing. She keeps on growing. Slipping through my fingers all the time-"
"Is it your first child?" Rachel was brought of her thoughts and singing by hearing one of the other moms speak to her. She stopped abruptly and cleared her throat, not wanting anyone to hear her sing.
She still hadn't plucked up enough courage to talk to anyone, except for the brief 'hello, how are you' small talk. They were glamorous moms who all went out to brunch after dropping their kids off and, although they didn't drive around in gas guzzling four by fours, they still had the fanciest cars in Lima. Rachel only ever used her car to get to work, never really taking Heidi in it. She'd always seen herself as a 'friend of the earth' but really she was just more interested in the simple things; nature, the air, songs...not materialistic things. Not since Louis anyway. Although she would still drum into Heidi that dreams weren't the most important thing, it was making those dreams come true and accomplishing your goals.
Rachel turned to face the woman; she looked a little older than herself, but still, Rachel was a youngish mom, so that was to be expected.
"Yes. She is. Heidi, her name's Heidi." She smiled, looking back at the door again, waiting for her to run out and greet her with a dozen new pictures. "What about you?"
"Oh no, I have six children." The woman replied, laughing at little.
"Six? My goodness!" Rachel gasped, her eyes widening. "I bet that's hard."
"Well it would be, but my husband is very hands on. He normally picks them up but he had to work late. Men eh?" She laughed again, straightening her hat.
"Yeah," Rachel agreed a little quieter. "You're right."
"You might have seen him here, Monty? Monty Scott? Always comes in a suit and has a funny looking moustache and even funnier looking glasses?"
"I think so...kind of short?"
"Yes! That's him! That's my little monkey!"
"Does he not mind you call him that and describe him in such a way?"
"Oh no, not at all. I used to call him 'monkey' in high school, he called me 'giraffe' so it kind of stuck. I'm sure you and your husband have little nicknames for each other?" Rachel's eyes looked briefly away from the tall woman's blue eyes. "Well...yes we..we used to."
"Used to? Oh, I'm sorry you're divorced?" She gave her that sympathetic look that Rachel was used to. She steadied herself and prepared to get given a more heart felt sympathetic look that she was even more used to. "Widow actually." She sighed, rolling her eyes slightly.
"Why do people keep bringing it up?" She asked herself.
She heard the woman gasp and felt her hand on her shoulder. "Oh dear, I'm so sorry. He wasn't a marine was he? My sister in law's brother is in the marines, he's over in Tehran right now-"
"No he's not. He er...actually, would mind if I didn't-"
"No of course not. Still, if ever you need anyone to take care of..Heidi did you say? Just let me know."
"Oh no, I couldn't ask you to do that. You already have your hands full."
"Honestly, one more wouldn't hurt. I hardly see the teenagers; always in their rooms or 'out', and the others are in middle school. I'm just glad Lucy still sees me as some sort of Goddess!" The woman laughed again, now looking over at the door too and saw that the children were starting to come out. "You're daughter's name is Lucy?" Rachel asked, thinking instantly of Quinn.
"Yeah, I've tried to name all my children after characters from books; Lucy from 'The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe', Philip from 'Great Expectations', Lara from 'Doctor Zhviago, Harry from 'Harry Potter' – I know, kind of childish, Lawrence from 'Lawrence of Arabia and finally my eldest son Robbie from 'Atonement'."
"Well, those are great names. That's very creative."
"Thank you. Still, Heidi, that's a book isn't it?"
"It is. I read it as a little girl and..well I've always liked it."
"Well, I bet she's as pretty as you are."
"Here she comes now, see for yourself." Rachel said, beaming at her little clone.
Sure enough, Heidi was running up to her, her little backpack stuffed full of drawings and her hands full of them too.
"Mommy!" She squealed as she jumped into Rachel's arms, as Rachel crouched down to scoop her up. "Oh you're lucky you can still do that, still you are young!" The woman laughed again as her own daughter ran up to her. "Well, this little one keeps me young." Rachel said, balancing Heidi on her hip. "So, Pixie-Star, how many pictures did you draw for me today?" Rachel asked, straightening Heidi's own little hat. "Ten!" She shouted, making Rachel wince at the volume, but gasped comically. "Ten! My goodness, we won't have enough wall space."
"We can give some to grandpa and grandpappy and some to Quinn when she next comes from Chicago!" Rachel felt the other woman look at her with curiosity, she turned herself around to see her, holding Lucy's hand. "Who's Quinn?" She asked with a bright smile.
"Mommy's best friend. She lives in Chicago which is two states over so it only takes a couple hours to get there by aeroplane." She beamed at her mom, seeking for reassurance that she got all of the memorised information correct. "My goodness, your little Heidi is very bright for a four year old."
"Thank you, Miss Lucy's Mom." Heidi thanked, giving the woman her own version of Rachel's megawatt smile. "Well we'd best get going." Rachel said, "You'll see Lucy tomorrow."
"By Lucy." Heidi waved.
"By Heidi." Lucy called back, wiggling her fingers.
"I'll see you tomorrow too?" Rachel asked the woman. She smiled and shrugged, explaining that she might have to work, and Rachel began to walk away, chatting to Heidi and asking her questions about her day.
Just as the woman was preparing to leave herself, a smart looking woman walked up to her.
"Georgia, don't you know who that was?" The woman asked, looking down her nose as the now far away Rachel. "No, should I?" Georgia asked, pulling Lucy along with her as she walked with the snooty woman. "That is Rachel Berry."
"The Rachel Berry? From Broadway?" Georgia asked, gasping and whipping her head round but seeing that Rachel had already gone. The snooty woman nodded her head. "The very same. The one who's husband got shot on stage and died, leaving her to raise their daughter with her two gay fathers."
"Gay fathers?" Georgia exclaimed. The woman raised her eyebrow at her and nodded her head. "Well, I will certainly not allow Lucy to go and play around at that house." She scolded, wishing she had never spoken to the woman. "Probably best, we're lucky there aren't a lot of gays around here in Lima."
"Just a shame that her daughter comes here."
"Still, we'll just keep out of the Berry's way."
"Excellent idea."
The two women walked away, discussing things other than Rachel's private life.
Little did they realise that a certain blonde was watching out for Rachel and had heard every word, and it made her blood boil to think her parents – well her own mom – used to just be like them. And it made her want to protect and be with Rachel even more. If not just for Rachel's sake, but for Heidi's too. She desperately didn't want her growing up with the same cruel, ignorant treatment Rachel was subjected to.
"Mommy, I don't know what I want to go as." Heidi complained over dinner.
"What are your friends going as Pixie?" Rachel asked as she cut up Heidi's vegetarian sausages.
"Anna's going as a witch, Harlow's going as a cat, Liam's going as a wizard, Billy's going as a ghost and Cameron's going as a skellington."
"You mean skeleton, pixie." Hiram laughed, ruffling Heidi's hair as he moved to sit down.
"That's what I said." Heidi pouted, then stabbing her piece of sausage with her fork.
"Well, why don't you go as a Pixie?" Rachel suggested, blowing on her food and putting it in her mouth. "Pixies aren't scary, Mommy."
"Well neither are cats and you said Harlow's going as one." Leroy commented, pouring a himself a glass of water after offering some to Rachel and Hiram. "But she's going as a scary cat!"
"Oh I see." Leroy rolled his eyes playfully.
"You know Heidi, you don't have to go as something scary." Rachel told her, pouring some more water in Heidi's pink plastic cup. "But it's Halloween, Mommy. It's aposed to be scary."
"Not necessarily pixie," Leroy sliced up a carrot and scoop up some mashed potato, "One year your mommy went dressed as Eva Peron and instead of saying 'Trick or Treat' she sang 'Don't Cry for Me Argentina'."
"In fact most years she dressed up as a Broadway character!" Hiram chuckled, although not realising that the reference to her Broadway past made her suddenly lose her appetite.
"Who's Argentina?" Heidi asked, acting just like Rachel and wanting to know as much information as possible. "Argentina is a country in South America." Hiram told her.
"Is it far away?" Heidi asked, although her mouth was full of food.
"Yes. It is quite a long way away."
"More than Chicago?" She asked, finally swallowing her food.
Hiram looked over to Rachel, who's eyes were focused on her food, although now she wasn't in the mood for eating. He looked back at Heidi, but directed his words to Rachel. "No honey. Argentina is a lot further away than Chicago. You can go to Chicago whenever you want, it's not far away at all."
"But it's still far away." Leroy piped up. "Do you want to hear more about Eva Peron, Heidi?" He asked, using his storytelling voice. "Yes please." Heidi asked, setting her little knife and fork down and taking a big dribbling sip of her water.
As Leroy began to basically tell the whole story of 'Evita' to Heidi, listening intently, Hiram leaned over to Rachel and took her hand. She was still staring at her food, thinking now of Quinn. He squeezed her fingers and she looked up at him. He smiled at her and raised his eyebrows. She smiled back and pulled her hand away.
"Who wants dessert?" She asked, standing up and clearing away her barely touched plate.
"Me!" Heidi squealed, sticking her hand up in the air.
Meanwhile, back at the Fabray's residence, Quinn sat at the dining room table staring off into space thinking of what she has heard at the school gates.
"So did you see her?" Judy asked, serving Quinn her plate of food and sitting down opposite her.
"See who?" Russell asked as he walked in.
"No one daddy." Quinn replied, taking a sip of water.
"Sorry I'm late, awful traffic." Russell apologised as he kissed Judy on the cheek and then gave Quinn a quick kiss on her head. "Darling you're working too hard." Judy complained, passing him the jug of water. "Nonsense Judy," he protested, taking the water jug and pouring himself a large glass. "I'm just working late. There's a big order coming into one of the businesses and I need to make sure it's all running smoothly. I don't want a repeat of the Hanson situation." He shuddered as he attacked his steak. "Oh Judy, this isn't nearly enough well done!" He growled, putting his knife and fork down and leaning back in his chair. "It isn't?" Judy asked, standing up and moving to him. "No it's not, look, I can still see pink!" Judy apologised and took his plate away and walked back into the kitchen to recook his food. "Honestly Judy I thought you knew how to make a good steak!"
"Don't talk to her like that." Quinn snapped.
Her father glanced at her, surprised by her words and tone. "Excuse me?"
"All I'm saying is," she placed her own cutlery down and looked over at her father, sat at the head of the table as usual. "Give her a little credit. She's worked hard all day and cooked you a great meal and all you can do is complain?"
"You better watch your tone young lady, you may be going through a difficult time now, what with your divorce and all, but remember that you are living under my roof and-"
"I need to follow your rules, I know." Quinn rolled her eyes and sighed. "I'm not a teenager any more dad, all I'm saying is-"
"Damn right you're not a teenager any more, that means you should be well aware of what respect is and know how to use it."
"Here's you steak dear." Judy came back into the room and gave Quinn a quick look, telling her to drop the issue immediately.
Quinn just sighed and continued to eat in silence. She listened to her parents talk as if she wasn't in the room or even existed. After about ten minutes of no longer even pretending to eat her food, she stood up.
"Excuse me." She mumbled and walked away from the table.
"Where are you going Quinn?" Her father asked. Quinn ignored him and looked straight at her mother. "I have to go see someone."
"Now? But we're eating-"
Quinn didn't here the rest of his sentence as she left as Quickly as she could.
She pulled up at the Berry's front door and knocked on it, hoping that Rachel herself would answer.
Her prayer was answered, and Rachel flung the door open with a big greeting smile on her face.
"Quinn?" She was a little shocked to see the girl standing in front of her. "What are you doing here? I thought you were back in Chicago?" She couldn't hide her excitement and she threw her arms around the girl.
Quinn hugged back and clamped her arms around her, wanting to keep her there forever. As they broke away, she began to speak. She'd prepared a little speech on the way over, but seeing Rachel again made her forget everything. "Can I talk to you?" Quinn asked, keeping her voice quiet, unsure if Heidi had gone to sleep yet. "Sure. What is it?" Rachel asked, closing the door slightly.
"Rach, I want to give us another try." She said quickly, sighing with relief that she had finally said it.
Rachel made her own sigh, and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. "Quinn-"
"No, before you say no just..here me out."
"Quinn no, all right." The blonde was taken aback by the harsh, sharp tone she was using as she spoke. "We're friends. Okay? We have been since high school, and, sure we were once together...romantically, but that was just once. One year. Then we went off to collage and we've both grown up and become different people."
"I don't believe you."
"Well it doesn't matter if you do or don't, the latter still remains the same. We're different people now Quinn-"
"No we're not! You are exactly the same, you haven't changed one bit. You are still the sweet, caring, adorable, bubbly, beautiful girl that I fell in love with."
"Quinn-"
"I've seen the way you look at me and I know exactly how I look at you-"
"But you're just reliving old memories. Childish memories-"
"There was nothing about our relationship that was childish and you know it."
"If that was so then why did you break it up? Why did you ruin it?"
"You know why Rachel."
"Exactly, and that's why it wouldn't work now. You're getting a divorce, I'm a widow-"
"Some would say it's perfect timing!"
"Well it's not!" Rachel shouted. The tears were brimming in her eyes, but she refused to let them go.
Quinn breathed, trying to relax, but she felt that she was losing her. She couldn't lose her. Not again.
"Well what about the story?" She asked in a quiet voice, knowing she had broken one of Rachel's weaknesses when it came to her love.
"What story?" Rachel hissed, knowing she was rumbled.
"Our story, Rachel. The Princess and the Peasant!"
"I..I don't know what you're talking-"
"She told me, Rachel. Heidi told me about the story. Princess Quinn and Peasant Girl Rachel."
"Quinn-"
"You've had feelings for me all this time and you never mentioned-"
"How could I Quinn? I was just enjoying your friendship, being your friend, being with you as a friend! I was afraid that you'd hurt me! Hurt us! Like you did before!"
"How many times do I have to apologise for that?" Quinn shouted, fed up of having to relay old ground. "I don't know, Quinn, until I feel safe again!" Rachel matched her volume.
"Rachel I can make you safe again I can-"
"What do you want from me Quinn? Huh? Aren't you still afraid of your parents? Aren't you still afraid of everything?"
"I want you Rachel!"
"Yeah well, you wanted me before and look what happened."
"I was stupid back then, and yeah, I was afraid of my parents but I'm not any more!"
"Oh well, the timing isn't great Quinn!"
"Sure it is, we're both not tied down to anyone-"
"I am! I have a daughter, Quinn, remember?"
"Yeah I do and I love that little girl like she's my own flesh and blood!"
"But she's not! All right, she's not and she will never be. You hurt me too much Quinn. Do you know how long it took for me to get over you? Years! I never once forgot you or the pain you caused me. Every time I used to sing a song and I would have to cry, I thought of you and the way you broke my heart."
"Rachel I..I'm so-"
"Don't say it, all right. I don't care. Just, get out of my life Quinn. Let me spend another ten years trying to forget you and live my life with my daughter."
"Rachel please-"
"Leave me alone. Go and get divorced, get remarried again, I don't care! Just stay out of mine and Heidi's life. For good."
And with her last bit of bite Rachel slammed the door in Quinn's face. She turned around, gasped and threw herself against the wood; clamping her hand against her mouth and crying loudly as she slid to the ground. One hand ran up her hot, tear stained face and fisted her hair, clutching it and pulling it as if trying to rip out her own hair was going to get rid of the pain she felt.
"Mommy!" Heidi cried, running over to her and collapsing by her. "What's wrong?" She asked, trying to climb on her mom and wrap her small arms around her. "Nothing," Rachel sniffled, "Nothing is wrong."
"You're sad." Heidi sad, sounding and feeling sad too.
"A little." Rachel admitted. "But I'm...I'm okay." But she wasn't, as soon as she said she was okay her tears spluttered out and she pulled her little girl close to her for a tight hug.
Quinn could still feel Rachel's presence against the door. She heard her blood-curdling sobs and smacked her own forehead against the door, thumping her fist to it. A single tear slipping out of her eyes. She remain there until she heard Rachel's sobs die down and she was sure that she had gone. Sucking in all of her remaining sadness, Quinn let herself go from the door and away from Rachel's house.
"Give me strength," she whispered as she looked up at the sky, her attention changing to Rachel's bedroom window as the light flickered on, "I don't give up Rachel. And I won't give up on you."
She returned to the Berry's house later that week when she knew Heidi would be in bed, so there was no way there could be any shouting.
As soon as Rachel opened the door Quinn spoke;
"Rachel can we talk? Without the anger?"
Rachel looked at her; her eyes shifting a little until she gave up.
"Sure. Heidi's asleep so we have to be quiet." Rachel quietened herself and stepped outside.
"Is she okay?" Asked Quinn, concerned and looking for the young girl, even though the door was closed. "Yes. She's fine."
"What about you? Are you okay?"
"Yes." Rachel answered coldly.
"Rachel you can't deny it any more; you love me."
"Quinn of course I feel something for you, of course I love you. But I'm just so afraid you'll break my heart again."
"What more can I do or say to prove to you that I won't?"
"I don't know!"
"You're not afraid of getting your heart broken; you're afraid that you'll be dishonouring Louis's memory, by falling in love with me again, you're scared that you'll be disrespecting him!"
"Yes! Okay, I am scared of that, I'm scared of all those things, okay?"
"Well I want to show you that I love you and won't ever make you feel guilty for loving me like you used to!"
"That love I had for you, never left!"
"What?"
"I loved Louis. I love him, of course I do! But, never like I love you. I never loved Louis in the way I loved you!"
"So now you're...what? Punishing yourself?"
"No!"
"Yes you are Rachel! You already gave up singing, as a form of repenting and atoning, but look how I helped you, how I made you realise that you can sing again! And I can make you see that you can love me again, Rachel. You can just have to trust yourself and let go!"
"I'm just scared of the fears and the memories."
"Rachel I promise you from the bottom of my heart, swearing to you will the whole of my existence, for the sake of the entire human race; I will never ever hurt you again. I will wipe away those fears and kiss away those memories and make way for new memories. I love you Rachel, I don't know how many times I have to say it but I love you too much to live without you. I can't sleep knowing that I'll wake up and you're not there. Please Rachel, please say you love me back."
"I do love you, but Quinn-"
"No. No Rachel please, no buts. Just..just think about it okay? I can make you happy and safe and..and just please, give me a chance."
"Okay. I'll give you a chance."
"You will?"
"One chance!"
"Okay. That's all I ask, for now. I will you treat you like the Princess you don't know you are."
She walked away smiling up at the dark sky looming over her.
"I will woo you Rachel Berry." She whispered, feeling herself grow in excitement.
