AN: Thanks so much for the reviews/favs/alerts! Thank you to TheUnderStudy for her awesome beta-ing! Seriously, shes the best. I cannot wait to let my eyes feast on her story when she posts it... hint hint! That's all I really have to say!
Tell me where our time went
And if it was time well spent
Just don't let me fall asleep
Feeling empty again
Cause I fear I might break
And I fear I cant take it
Some nights I'll lie awake
Feeling empty
Pressure - Paramore
Bella
Today I woke up feeling a little lighter then I had yesterday. It wasn't much, but any improvement was a welcome one. Not to say I wasn't still in a lot of pain inside, but my eye didn't hurt at all today. I was hoping the bruise would be less severe. It was hard to get out of bed. I could tell today wasn't a sunny day. The window reflected a gray light inside of the room, matching the gloom and confusion I was feeling inside. In spite of everything going on, all I could think of was Jacob and how he held me, how undeniably safe he made me feel. I didn't want to even think about the other things he made me feel... I don't ever remember having such a physical reaction to anyone before, even Edward. Things with Edward just were a progression of our relationship. Of course, I was attracted to him, but it never felt as strong as it did with Jacob last night. Then the near kiss. The temptation of it was so great, but I owed Edward at least enough respect to not kiss another man until I figure things out.
I wasn't sure if it was the wine or a genuine feeling that had been hiding inside of me. Obviously, I love Jacob. That's why it still hurt me that he could just leave and stop all communication with me; but how deep did that love go? Is it real? Is it the love out of years of friendship or was it more? Did he walk away because he was in love with me? Am I in love with him? Was I simply confused by all that has been going on? There was one thing I knew for absolutely certain. Now that Jacob was back I have to do whatever I can to keep him in my life.
I sat up in bed needing to focus on something else. I decided to get up and grab some breakfast. I actually had an appetite this morning. Another improvement, I thought to myself. If only the ache in heart for my father would go away. I knew today Angela had to go back to work at the hospital which left me alone in the house so I didn't bother changing out of my holey sweatpants and tattered t-shirt. I walked out into the kitchen and browsed the contents of the cupboards, pantry and fridge. After much thought and deliberation, I decided on a bowl of Crunch Berries. I wasn't up to cooking right now. I settled down at the table to eat and just as I finished my first bite I heard a knock at the door. I looked longingly at the bowl of cherry colored berries and promised them I would be right back.
I opened the door to see Alice who, upon seeing me, gave me a huge hug that slightly knocked me off balance. She was petite but stronger than one would expect. I returned the hug grateful to see her finally. She had been busy postponing some meetings in Seattle for our business and we had a wedding yesterday and it was not something we could afford to push aside. It was the downfall of owning your own business. My fabulous staff took care of the catering while Alice put the wedding together. I know that she would have rather been here with me. She pulled back a little and held me at arm's length to look at my face. I saw her eyes welling up in tears then she quickly shook her head in despair and hugged me again. "Oh my god my brother is an idiot!" She cried. Then it hit me that she was talking about the bruise on my eye. I sighed.
"Yeah, its a doozie." I replied. She pulled back and looked at me sorrowfully and wiped at the tears on her face.
"So how are you holding up today?" she asked.
"A little better I guess." I answered but the thought of Jacob flashed through my mind and I flushed.
It must not have been that noticeable because Alice catches everything. It's like she has superhuman vision. In fact, I think she might even be psychic. I don't dare talk about that though. I learned that the first time I mentioned it to her. She nearly bit my head off at the suggestion and didn't even care to explain why it upset her so much. I just decided to leave it alone. I remembered my cereal and took Alice by the hand to lead her to the dining room table so I could finish eating. There really is nothing worse than soggy Crunch Berries.
We caught up on what was going on at work. She told me that Carlisle's wife, Esme, was going to take over until things settle down. She mentioned that the wedding was beautiful and that the bride's family recommended the business to a few of their friends, which was good because word of mouth is priceless and pays the bills. After discussing the work issue I finished my cereal and put the bowl in the dishwasher and Alice and I sat on the couch in the living room silently for a while. She glanced at me and shook her head again.
"What's the matter Alice?" I asked suddenly very concerned about her.
"I know that this is probably the last thing you need to hear right now Bells. I understand if you get mad at me. But for all things good and loving can you please put on something other than those ragged sweatpants and ancient t-shirt?" she huffed.
My concern left me completely and I rolled my eyes. "Of course." I said sarcastically. She stood up and I followed her lead to my bedroom and she picked out an outfit. I gave her a mocking glare as I put on the clothes. She picked a pair of black pants and a light blue top. The top was one she bought me a few months ago and I hardly ever wore it. I felt somewhat naked in it. It was too low cut for me to be comfortable. However, I'm sure it is modest by most peoples standards. She found a pair of black pumps. I particularly loved those shoes because they were pretty and comfortable. I wore them often so I smiled at her choice.
"There. That's so much better. Don't you feel better? Now we just have to work on that bruise." Alice said when I finished putting everything on. Alice was a planner. She plans like her life depends on it. In fact, aside from the choice of dress, she has basically planned Edward and mines wedding entirely. Not that I minded because planning weddings was never my thing. Some girls dream of the day and I never did. It helped that Alice had impeccable taste and I know that anything she did would come out perfectly.
She grabbed her makeup bag and pulled out some concealer. I sat on the edge of the bed while she made magic. The whole time she was talking about the new apartment her and Jasper were going to rent out in Seattle and how she thought he was definitely going to propose soon. I had no doubt about that. Even without her psychic abilities telling her so it was obvious Jasper was crazy about her. They were a couple to be admired. I sometimes envied how good they were; especially lately with all the problems Edward and I were having, but I was so happy for Alice. She really deserved a happily ever after.
When she finished with the last bit of makeup I stood up to look in the mirror. "Viola!" she said proudly. You could hardly see the bruise at all. She did apply a little bit of mascara to my lashes but promised me it was waterproof. I was glad, I felt so shaken that I didn't know one minute from the next if I was going to laugh or cry or scream.
As we stared into the reflection Alice laid a gentle hand on my shoulder. "Edward loves you Bella. You know he wouldn't ever intentionally hurt you like that." She said softly.
"I know Alice. It was an accident. I know he is your brother, but things haven't been very good with us lately, well, actually a long time now." I responded.
"Bella, all couples have their ups and downs. Are you sure it isn't just a phase?" She questioned.
"I don't know." I whispered.
"It's that bad?" Alice asked seeming skeptical.
I relayed the entire story of the day I found out my dad was killed. I hadn't told her about the phone call, about how I felt so guilty for ignoring the phone calls that day because I was mad at Edward for the hundredth time for leaving me alone. I told her about the last few months of him coming home late and heavily intoxicated. I started to cry and Alice pulled me into a hug. She sat there speechless.
"I'm so sorry Bella. I didn't realize it's been this bad for so long." She said sorrowfully.
"It's not your fault. I have just been bottling it all up and thinking it was going to work out, but now, I don't know." I confided.
"Do you love him?" Alice asked.
Jacob's face flashed across my mind and threw me off. I wasn't even thinking about him. Visions of the night before started searing into my memory causing me to feel flushed. Alice looked at me for a few seconds.
"If it takes you that long to answer then I would say your chances aren't good." She said sadly but kept her eyes on my face.
"I don't know what I am feeling Alice. I need to get through the next couple of days. Lay my father to rest and then I can focus on something else. I need to focus on my dad; I need to do whatever I can to help find the person responsible. Then I can focus back on the relationship and if we even still have one. I mean he worked yesterday, and he didn't have the same excuse as you, you had to work. Your dad could have sat in for him." I said feeling angry.
Alice just nodded her head. She had a distant look on her face and then looked up at me slyly. She smiled and then said "I'm sure everything will work out for the best Bella. I have a good feeling about it."
"Thanks Alice." I gave her a hug and we went back out to the living room. My phone rang and I saw the ID.
Edward.
I told Alice who it was and she turned the TV while I walked out of the living room back into the bedroom for privacy.
"Hello." I said flatly.
"Bella?"
"Who else would it be Edward?" I grumbled. He was silent for a moment.
"I guess no one. How are you feeling today?" He asked sounding sincere.
"Like my life has been turned upside down." I replied with a hint of irritation.
"Are you busy today? I'd like to see you. We should talk." Edward asked almost sounding like he was setting up a business deal.
I was quiet for a few moments. I wasn't sure I wanted to see him but I knew I had to eventually, and keeping busy is my way of getting through this whole ordeal and it would be one less task I would have to do. I just wasn't sure I wanted too right now.
"I have to meet with the lawyer at noon. I don't know how long that will take, but I'll call you when it's over. If you're not working then maybe we can meet at Forks Coffee Shop." I wanted a public place to ensure that I wouldn't do anything stupid. I heard him slightly groan and then he agreed. I hung up feeling more irritated with him.
I walked out of the bedroom and told Alice about the phone conversation. We sat and watched TV for a few minutes when I heard a knock on the door. I looked out the window and saw a black Mercedes parked out near the street. I couldn't recall knowing anyone with a Mercedes. I looked out the peep hole and saw a small man with gray hair standing with a briefcase. I looked at the clock. It was noon. I opened the door and greeted him. He introduced himself as Fredrick Banner, the cousin of one of my old high school teachers. I walked him to the dining room while Alice stayed in the living room allowing us some privacy.
He told me that my dad and him had actually attended the same college and that they stayed acquaintances through the years. My dad had hired him several years ago to handle his affairs. He was sad about the loss and let me know that he had spoken to my father a few months back to go over the Will my father had set up and that as his only beneficiary the entirety of my father's estate belonged to me now. He showed me the Will and told me he had a life insurance policy that was worth 250 thousand dollars. The amount shocked me. I had no clue, nor any desire to have any of it in the place of my dad. My dad was worth so much more than that. I felt tears threaten to surface and pushed them down as best as I could so I could get through this meeting.
He went over the legal stuff, which I only partially understood, but tried to keep up as much as I could, asking a ton of questions along the way. I was right about the funeral costs being covered and that they have someone assigned to handle the ceremony as they have special honors for police officers, which include bagpipes, a firing party, color team, pallbearers, and more. He gave me the name and number of the person in charge and to call him immediately to for arrangements to be made. As we finished with the legal work he told me of how fondly my father spoke of me, how he told him he was always so proud of me. I had to bite my tongue to keep myself from breaking down. I thanked him for his service and friendship to my father and showed him out.
That's when the weight of what happened to my father fell over me. Tears welled up in my eyes and I turned around to face Alice who looked up at me and jumped up off the couch to hold me. I slid down to the floor and started crying inconsolably. I thought about yesterday picking out his casket and worried if he would have liked it. I sat and cried thinking about the way when I was little we would play "flip" I would hold onto his thumbs and walk up his stomach and flip over. I know now how tired he must got of it but he would play it for so long. I remembered him teaching me how to drive stick and the patience he showed me that I know that my mother never would have had. He was so gentle and loving and kind. How does someone kill a man like my father? Memories of my father flooding through my brain like a movie on fast forward. Thoughts of all the things I will be missing out on, like being walked down the aisle, or handing him his grandchild to hold for the first time, the things that could have happened if someone hadn't been so despicable as to take him away from me; from my future and his future. I didn't know who did it but I hated them. I had never felt so much animosity over the uncontrollable before. I sobbed harder and harder almost unable to breathe while Alice cried along side of me. She held me tight and the comfort was there but not taking the pain in the middle of my chest away. We must have sat there and cried together for an hour. When I finally started to calm down Alice stood up and helped me stand back up to my feet.
"You okay Bells?" Alice asked me while pulling out a Kleenex and blowing her nose.
I took a deep breath. "I will be. Once they put away the bastard who killed my dad." I said coldly. "They'll find him." Alice said with a decided tone. I smiled at her. "I know. I know because Jacob won't let this go. He'll find out who did this and he'll make them pay." I said with confidence.
Alice looked at me quizzically. "Jacob huh? Have you talked to him since he came over yesterday morning?" She asked in a leading way. I felt my face turn a little red.
"Yes. I asked him to come over last night." I admitted.
Alice took a moment and her sharp eyes were evaluating my every move. "So what did he have to say for himself? Did he explain why he was all MIA the last few years? I know it bugged you." She asked casually.
"A little, I guess he didn't want to get in the way of me and Edward." I replied feeling a little nervous which caused my skin to flush and Alice's watchful eyes not helping one bit. She clicked her tongue and squinted her eyes at me.
"Could he have?" She asked with an arched eyebrow. I felt a tightness in my stomach, and I played dumb.
"Could he have what?"
"Come between you and my brother?" She answered not being fooled one bit. I felt jittery.
"Oh, well, I guess we'll never know. I mean, had Edward been so neglectful back then, well, then I don't suppose any good friend would encourage someone to stay with a person like that."
Alice smiled a knowing smile at me. "I don't suppose they would." She hesitated for a second and said "But no matter what happens, no matter who you marry and love and have cute little babies with, you will always be a sister to me." I felt a rush of relief at her words. I hoped they were true because Alice's friendship is so very precious to me. I decided we needed a change of subject. Alice was standing next to me with her arm around my shoulder. I turned her towards me and said "So?" She looked at me confused.
"How'd the mascara hold up?" I questioned, pretty sure I was looking like a raccoon mess. She giggled at me. "It did very well considering, you may need to apply more but I'd say you look great. Waterproof is the only way to go. The bruise isn't even showing much." She took a deep breath and hugged me, thankful for the change of topic. Her cell rang and she told me it was Jasper and sat down on the couch and started talking to him.
I took out my cell phone and the number that the lawyer gave me and called to finalize the arrangements for the funeral. I gave him the name and number of the funeral home so they could put it all together. He thanked me, told me he was sorry for my loss and we said goodbye. It wasn't just my loss though. The entire town is going to suffer. My dad was loved by all. I stood on my feet but I felt like a brick. My body heavy with grief and anger. Only one more day and then he will be laid to rest.
I thought about Jacob and felt a wave of gratitude for him trying to find my dad's killer. I had faith that it would work out. I had faith in Jacob. I looked at the clock it was nearly 4. I decided to call Edward and get it out of the way. I needed to know how I felt, not while drinking, so that I could start to put together a plan. One way or another, my life was going to go on. I need to take some steps to figure out what direction I wanted to go in. Down one path is familiar yet, broken and the other paved in uncertainty. I pulled out my cell to make the call.
AN: I was going to post chapter 10 with this one, but my progress on chapter 12 is slow so I decided to wait til next week to post it. I like to stay ahead a few chapters.
