Darling So It Goes
by Starrify
Notes: If you read Heavy Lies The Crown, then you already know what has happened to me recently that has made life a bit more difficult, haha. It's a bit hard to detach my own heartbreak from this story now, so I hope it doesn't affect my work too much. Thank you to all those who offered their hugs! *hugs you all back*
It's been a while since I last updated, so here you go. :)
Sunday, 24 February 80 C.E.
"You were what?"
"Don't make me repeat myself," Cagalli sighed, stirring her cup of coffee once more. "It was hard enough to say it the first time."
"I'm sorry," Miriallia said quietly, sitting back down on her friend's couch. "It's just that you've never really spoken about anything from your past, Cagalli—and I guess now I know why. Since you're not carrying around a five-year-old, I guess that…"
"Yeah."
"But, hey, think about it this way: you weren't ready to have a family." Miriallia tried to encourage her friend, but she wasn't quite sure if she was saying the right things. "You were just in college, and your father wouldn't have taken it well if his beloved heiress was knocked up."
"Yeah."
"Cagalli." The blonde looked up from her not-so steaming mug. Her friend had arrived just a few hours ago, after she had called for the brunette a week ago, crying after she left Athrun Zala in the coffee shop once more. Being the great friend that she was, Miriallia requested for a week off and booked another flight to Aprilius just to comfort her friend. "You have to let it go."
What Miriallia didn't understand was that she already did. She was okay for the last five years, wasn't she? But then Athrun had to come back into her life and remind her of everything she lost and gave up. She had let it go—only for all of it to come back to haunt her now.
"Did Ahmed know?"
Cagalli shook her head no. Ahmed didn't know anything about her past with Athrun. She was thankful for it, because if he had known then he might have pitied her—and his pity was the last thing she wanted from him.
"Well, what do you want me to say?" Miriallia continued, shifting to lie down on the couch. Across from her was Cagalli sitting on her favorite ottoman. Even if Cagalli had lived here for almost five months, there was nothing too homey about the blonde's apartment, nothing that said that she was going to stay in this small room for a while. It was all bare essentials in Cagalli's favorite shades of red and white. "I've known you for a few years now and I never saw you as someone who had a freaking miscarriage. I mean, I know that's traumatizing—and so was losing Ahmed, wasn't it? You're a strong person, Cagalli. You were there for me when I didn't know what to do after I lost Tolle."
Cagalli nodded along in agreement. She had been strong, hadn't she? She'd been through tough times and she was resilient where others would have broken down.
"Athrun's just another speed-bump of sorts," Miriallia concluded with a small smile. "Don't let this faze you."
"You're right, Milly," Cagalli spoke up and stood from her small chair, mug in her hand. "I don't know what I'd do without you."
"Probably mope all day and drink coffee until caffeine runs through your veins in place of blood."
"I'm not even going to argue with that."
The blonde chuckled as she walked to her small kitchen. Not too good at cooking, Cagalli only really used the microwave. She placed the mug with her cold coffee in the microwave and waited for the timer to go off.
"So when are you going back to Heliopolis, Cagalli?" she heard Miriallia call out. "Aren't you tired of working your pretty little butt off when you could just live off your trust fund for the rest of your life?"
When the machine buzzed, she re-opened the microwave and took out her now steaming cup of coffee. Smiling contently, she walked back to her living room, where Miriallia was now looking up at her expectantly.
"I'm coming back after I finish six months here in Aprilius," she answered casually after taking a sip from her coffee. "Father was really happy when I finished university—even though he was against me leaving home in the first place. And I saw how he was disappointed with how I spent my years after graduation, so I started to work—but on my own terms."
"Your own terms suck."
"I happen to like my independence, thank you very much."
Miriallia groaned. "I can't afford all these flights I'm taking to Aprilius just to visit your beautiful independent face, you know."
"This is the only non-sponsored flight you've taken so far," Cagalli pointed out. "It's not like I'm cheating you off your money or anything."
"I guess, since you're letting me lodge here and you're paying for my food."
Cagalli rolled her eyes. "Fine."
"But then you're going to work in the mornings, aren't you?" Miriallia panicked. "What am I supposed to do then?"
"You'll find something to do, I'm sure."
"Or someone," Miriallia said with a suggestive wink—to which Cagalli gave another roll of her eyes. "I haven't really met anyone here in Aprilius yet—aside from those I met on my official trips here, but those guys are all business anyway."
"Whatever you want to do, Miriallia."
Cagalli didn't notice that her cup had already become empty so quickly. She was already in the kitchen, placing her mug in the sink, when the doorbell rang.
"Oh, pizza's here!" Miriallia cheered, clapping her hands. She got to her feet and raced to the door. "I'll get it!"
Miriallia pulled the door open and instead of the delivery boy in uniform with steaming boxes of pizza, there was a rather well-dressed blue-haired man waiting outside of Cagalli's apartment.
"You…"
"I'm sorry, I think I have the wrong apartment," the man said politely, looking down on a piece of paper in his hands before looking to the right side of the door where the number of Cagalli's apartment was. "I'll just leave now—"
"You're Athrun, aren't you?" Miriallia asked, frowning. "Just wait here."
Miriallia closed the door behind her, leaving a confused man standing outside. Cagalli walked out of the kitchen and appeared in the living room once more.
"What happened? Where's the pizza?"
Miriallia merely shook her head. "It's Athrun."
"Oh."
"Cagalli, you don't need to—"
"No, it's fine, Miriallia," Cagalli asserted. "After all, he's just another speed-bump of sorts, right? Nothing's going to happen if I don't get over him."
"But—"
"I'm strong, aren't I?" Cagalli assured her best friend with a hug. "It'll just be a few minutes."
Leaving her best friend inside her apartment, the blonde stepped out and was standing face to face with the man she dreaded to confront again.
Still, she had to put up the front that he didn't faze her.
"How did you find me?" she demanded, crossing her arms over her chest. "I could file a complaint against you, you know. Get a restraining order or something—"
"But you won't, Cagalli," Athrun insisted. "You know we need to talk."
"Wasn't last week enough for you?" she lashed out, glaring at him. She was only slightly aware that tears were pooling at the corner of her eyes. She might have tried to put on the façade that she was angry at him, but her eyes naturally betrayed her. "Wasn't it enough that you know the truth? Wasn't that what you wanted?"
"You were all I wanted, Cagalli." Athrun tried to reach for her arm, but Cagalli batted his hand away before he could hold onto her. "You know that."
"Exactly, Athrun," she cried, her small frame shaking. "That's exactly my point."
Athrun ran a hand through his hair in frustration. He didn't want to make another attempt to get closer to Cagalli, not unless he wanted her to walk out on him again.
"I don't see your point," he answered honestly. "Cagalli, please, just—tell me."
She stood her ground. If she came running back into her apartment now, then Miriallia would just tell her I told you so. No, she was strong—wasn't she?
"Haven't you noticed that we're talking in the past tense?" Cagalli finally mustered the strength to look Athrun in the eyes. They were as green as ever—as beautiful as ever. "Everything that happened…they happened. They're done. There's nothing we can do to change the past, is there?"
"Cagalli—"
"And there's nothing we can do to change our current circumstances either."
Athrun was only getting more impatient with the blonde. If only she could hear herself, she'd know just how unreasonable she sounded right now. What did she mean by their current circumstances? Did she mean the fact that she keeps running away from him—even five years after college?
"Why did you have to keep it from me, Cagalli?" he asked. "Why did you have to run away?"
"Well forgive me if I can't simply take a miscarriage in stride, Athrun!" Cagalli snapped, looking at him defiantly. "How about you try losing a part of you? Literally, Athrun; else you give me bullshit about losing me."
"How dare you?" Athrun took a daring step forward. "Do you think losing you was bullshit? Or my world as I knew it shattering—was that just bullshit to you, too? What you did was not just cowardly, but selfish. That baby you lost wasn't just yours, was it?"
She was being selfish—Athrun had just said so. It had hit her there and then that he was right. She was being selfish—but wasn't she right in doing so?
"I don't understand, Cagalli."
"I don't expect you to."
Once more, he ran his hands through his hair. He was becoming frustrated that this conversation was going nowhere. But he wasn't so sure himself what he had planned to accomplish in visiting her. With the right connections, he was able to find out where she had been working; and by pulling a few more strings, he had found her address as well. If he knew where she was sooner then he would've immediately gone to her, but gathering information on her took a good week—and now there he was standing in front of her, not making any progress with their proper reconciliation.
"I don't understand, Cagalli," he repeated after a minute of silence between them. "I don't understand how you expect me to give up on you."
Her mind recalled the sight of a girl in a pale green dress with red hair, sitting happily with Athrun across the table as they had dinner.
Cagalli smiled, though she was far from happy. Athrun could tell just by looking at her ever sincere eyes.
"But you already have," she finally said, stepping back into her room and closing the door behind her.
A few meters away, Miriallia was sitting on her settee.
"There," the blonde said, still smiling—though she was crying. "It's done and over with."
"Cagalli…" Miriallia stood, waiting for her friend to approach her. She wanted to comfort her friend, but it seemed like Cagalli didn't want anyone touching her. The doorbell rang again and Miriallia frowned, thinking it was Athrun trying to force another conversation.
"I'll get it, Milly," Cagalli volunteered as she wiped the corners of her eyes with the sleeves of her blouse. Hesitantly, she pulled the door open, readying herself for the sight of Athrun begging for her to speak with him again.
"Pizza delivery for a Miss Haww?"
But she should have known better than to expect him to still be there.
