A/N I got back into the flow of this story, so here's another chapter! Thank you so much for your reviews, it means the world to me. Let me know what you think of this one!
Chapter 9
I stand in front of Abby's new school and try my hardest to keep my tears at bay while I watch my little girl fumbling with her new backpack. It's her first day back in school today. A brand new school with new teachers, new kids, new classes… And she's afraid. She's incredibly nervous and barely slept last night. I know part of her is excited as well, excited to start her new life. But she has to leave her comfort zone for an entire day and that scares her. And to be honest, I'm just as scared as she is, maybe even more. I know she will be okay today and I know she's kind and she will make friends here, but I have to let her go. And I don't like it one bit.
I take a deep breath and cup her face in my hands, looking into her green eyes. She looks up at me and smiles nervously. "You'll be here after school?"
"Of course. Right here, I'll wait for you." I brush her strawberry blond hair behind her ear. "You're going to be fine, sweetheart."
Abby averts her gaze towards her feet. "What if the people aren't nice?"
"They will be. But if they aren't, you just be nice to them and they'll be nice eventually."
She nods and takes a deep breath. "Okay."
"Okay." I smile, pull her towards me and wrap my arms around my girl. "It'll be okay, honey."
Abby nods slowly as her skinny arms wrap around my waist in an almost desperate grip. She wants to stall the moment of letting go, and part of me wants to as well. I want to keep her in my arms but I know I have to let her go. This is good for her. For us.
"Go." I smile and pull back, cupping her cheeks and pressing my lips against her forehead. "Go have fun."
She adjusts her bag again and smiles nervously at me. I see fear in her eyes but at the same time I see a slight sparkle of excitement, which puts me at ease. She's ready for this. I don't know if I'm ready for this, but she is and that's all that matters. "Bye, Mom."
"Bye, honey." She turns around and I watch her leave, my arms suddenly feeling empty and my eyes burning. I wave at her when she turns around before entering the building, and I quickly turn away when I feel my tears spilling on my cheeks. I don't want her to see me crying. I hurry into the car and sit behind the wheel. I can't let the people here see me like this. I start the car and drive home, biting my lip to keep myself from falling apart.
Tears trickle down my cheeks when I park the car in front of the house. I get out and see Jane waving at me from the living room, her smile making me feel warm inside.
"Hi," she welcomes me and her smile falls when she sees my tears. "That bad, huh?"
I shake my head. "She's okay. She's going to be okay."
"Good." Jane smiles at me and gently cups my cheek to press her lips against mine in a sweet kiss. "Then why the tears?"
"Letting her go is just hard," I whisper. "I want to keep her with me."
"I know. It's good that you let her go, though," Jane replies softly. "School will be good for her."
"Yes, but-…" I sigh and shake my head. "I don't know. She'll have a hard time today, I know she will."
"Why you gotta be so negative?" Jane smiles and tilts her head. "She's going to make new friends and have fun, Maura. She'll be okay."
I feel my muscles tightening and I pull away from her. "You don't know her. Not like I do."
"I know," Jane steps away, sensing my need for distance. "All I'm saying is that we have to let her go at some point."
I shake my head. "You don't know what it's like."
"No, I don't," Jane whispers, her tone careful and soft. "But I do know Abby. I know how smart and kind she is and I know she's going to be okay today."
"You don't know…" I swallow a lump in my throat and feel the flood of tears increasing. "We barely spent any time apart the past few years. I protected her from-… from him… And she protected me… We were together."
Jane nods slowly, her eyes filled with sympathy and tears. "You still are, Maur."
"No we're not!" I feel my hands balling into fists and I know my anger is unfair but I can't help it. "She's over there and I'm here and I can't do anything to protect her!"
"You don't have to protect her anymore, honey," Jane says softly. "There's no one hurting her."
"I want her with me, Jane," I manage to get out through my tears. "She's my little girl."
"I know."
"You don't! You don't have children, you have no idea what it feels like!" I'm yelling now and I can't stop myself. "YOU HAVE NO IDEA!" I move forward and lift my balled fists up in the air before pointing at her. "YOU. DON'T. KNOW!"
"Okay," Jane holds up her hands and a few tears trickle down her cheeks. "I'm gonna go outside for a bit, alright?"
I don't reply. I let out an angry sob and hide my face into my hands while I hear Jane leaving the room, the back door opening as she walks into the backyard. I think about Abby in that big, unfamiliar school with new people and sit down on the couch as tears stream down my face. I think about all that time I had my little girl by my side. I think about my little Abby and realize that my little Abby is now ten years old and she has to start a life. I know she has to learn to leave me, but I never knew how much I have to learn to leave her. This is about me. I have to learn to let her go. This is me, not Abby, not Jane.
"Jane…" I lift my head and sigh in relief when I see her sitting on the porch. "Jane?" I stand up and walk towards her, hoping, praying she won't be upset with me for my stupid anger.
She looks at me when I open the door but she doesn't smile.
"I'm sorry, Jane," I say softly, wiping my cheek with the back of my hand. "I'm sorry, I was wrong. This is just so hard for me, and it was wrong for me to take it out on you."
Jane nods and pats the spot next to her on the porch.
"Thank God," I whisper, barely audible as I sit down and feel her strong arms wrapping around me. I lean into her side, pulling myself as close against her as I can. Her strength amazes me every time. She's so gently with me, like I'm made of thin glass that can break any moment. She touches me with so much care and love but at the same time she hugs me so tightly I feel whole again. "I love you, Jane," I whisper into the crook of her neck where I hide myself.
"I love you too, Maura." She gently rubs her hand up and down my back and wipes the tears from my cheek with her fingers.
"Abby will be okay," I say and for the first time I believe myself.
The day goes by slowly. Jane and I go grocery shopping and I actually get her to bake a pie with me, but we just do it to kill time. She has gone back to work but has taken the day off to be with me today, which I appreciate to no end. I can't even imagine having to spend this day by myself. We laugh, we kiss and make out, we talk and I cry some more, she holds me and we fall deeper and deeper in love.
When the time finally comes, we drive to Abby's school and I wait for her to appear in front of the building, in the middle of all those kids that are walking towards their parents or the bus. Jane stands next to me and squeezes my arm, smiling gently at me.
I smile back but keep my focus on the entrance of the school where I finally see my daughter's strawberry blond hair. "Abby!"
She sees me and I immediately notice how pale her skin looks. She's absolutely exhausted. She's exhausted but she smiles when she runs towards me with her arms open wide, almost knocking me over as she throws herself in my arms. "Oh, my baby," I whisper, fresh tears filling my eyes. I pull back to look at my girl, seeing tears in her eyes. "Hi."
She smiles tiredly at me and pulls her face away from my hands to hide herself back into my arms. "Hi."
I sense that she doesn't want to talk right now so I just kiss the top of her head and look at Jane, nodding my head at the car. "Let's go home."
Jane takes the keys and gets behind the wheel. I squeeze my daughter and let her go to get into the passenger's seat but I feel her holding on to my arm. "What is it?"
She looks at me with tears in her eyes but then she shakes her head. "Nothing." She opens the car door and gets into the backseat, leaving me worried and with my stomach aching as I sit in the front next to Jane. Her hand moves towards my leg and she comfortingly squeezes my thigh while she starts the engine and drives off.
I look over my shoulder and see my daughter staring out of the window with an empty look in her eyes, exhaustion edged on her face. I try to analyze her expression. Is she upset? Sad? Tired? Happy? I don't know. I see a mixture of feelings in my girl.
After a silent drive, Jane parks the car in front of the house and I get out, taking Abby's hand in mine while we walk towards the house. When I hear a soft sniffle coming from next to me, I look at Abby and see tears trickling down her cheeks. "Hey," I lean down and gently cup her cheek, looking into her shimmering green eyes. "What's going on, sweetheart?"
Abby shakes her head. "It was hard, Mom," she whispers through her tears. Her voice breaks and she looks down at her feet. "I don't want to go again tomorrow."
"Oh, baby…" I wrap my arm around her shoulders and lead the both of us inside where Jane is waiting, looking concerned.
She sighs and steps towards Abby to lean down and kiss her forehead. "You did good today, Abs," she says with a smile. "Let me get you something to drink, hm?"
Abby doesn't reply. She turns around when the sound of her dog Barney running into the house startles us. She smiles the first real smile of that day and welcomes the dog in her arms when he jumps her.
"Oh baby, don't let him do that," I say to her. "We have to teach him not to jump people, remember?"
"Right." She sits down on the floor and giggles when Barney tries to lick her face. "Did you walk him today, Mom?"
"Twice." I nod and smile at the sound of my daughter's giggles. It's a beautiful sound that steals my heart every time. But when the dog calms down from the excitement and walks away, Abby's smile falls and her shoulders drop.
I watch Jane putting down a glass of juice on the table before she walks towards me to hand me a cup of hot tea. "I'm gonna give you two some time," she whispers quietly. "I'll just grab some stuff from my house, alright?"
I nod, looking up at her while I wrap my arm around her waist. "You'll spend the night, right?"
"You want me to?"
"Yes," I lean forward to gently press my lips against hers, the touch sending a tickle to my stomach. "Please."
She smiles and nods. "Okay." After another kiss, she pulls away, puts on her coat and walks towards Abby who is sitting on the couch and sipping her drink. She carefully kisses the top of the girl's head, a gesture of love and comfort. Her eyes sparkle with a sweet, reassuring smile as she looks at her. "I'm proud of you," she whispers.
"Are you leaving?" Abby asks.
"Just for a little while, I'll be back before dinner."
"Okay." She accepts a kiss on her forehead and I wave my love goodbye before joining my daughter on the couch.
I reach out to caress her cheek. "So…" I whisper, "how was your first day?"
Abby sighs deeply and puts down her glass before putting her feet up on the couch and leaning backwards. "Hard."
"How come?"
She shrugs. "Everything."
"How are the kids in your class?"
"Fine, I guess."
"And the teacher?"
"Fine too."
I realize I might not get much more out of my daughter and I sip my tea while I let a comfortable silence fall. I wait for Abby to open up and I finished half of my tea when I look next to me to see tears in my girl's eyes. "Hey," I put my cup down and shift closer towards her, "talk to me, sweetheart," I whisper. "Please. What happened today?"
Abby shrugs. "Nothing."
"Baby-…"
"People asked me why I changed schools," she interrupts me. "And I said we moved to a different house, but they asked about my previous school and I said I didn't want to talk about it and I walked away."
My brow furrows when I see the pain in Abby's eyes. I don't see why this seems to be such a problem for her but I feel she's about to continue to I stay quiet.
"Right on my first day I was all alone because I walked away from some kids that were just trying to be nice."
"That's okay, honey," I say softly. "I'm sure they'll understand."
"I cried at lunch, Mom," Abby whispers through the tears in her eyes, her hands fumbling with the sleeves of her sweater. "I hid in the bathroom."
"Oh, baby…" I feel tears in my eyes and brush my fingers through her strawberry blond hair that is a bit tangled after a long day. "Because of those kids?"
Abby shakes her head and hides her face into her hands.
"Abby, sweetheart… It's okay. I'm not judging you. God, I know how hard it is."
"I-… I c-cried because I m-missed you."
I watch my daughter's shoulders shaking with her sobs and my heart breaks for my little girl. She missed me just as much as I missed her. I want to keep her in my arms forever and in that moment, homeschooling seems like a very good choice to me. Even though I know sending her to school was the right choice. I sigh as I rock my little girl back and forth in my arms, feeling her crying against my chest. "I missed you too, sweetheart," I whisper. "Terribly."
"R-really?"
"Oh, yes. I cried too. A lot." I smile sadly and feel a tear trickling down my cheek. "But I know that this is just the hard part. The first step is always the hardest. After this, it will get easier. I know it."
"How?" Abby leans into my side, staring at her hands on my leg. "How do you know?"
"Beginnings are difficult. We'll get used to being apart, you'll get used to the kids in your class and everything else, I'll get used to a life without-… without having to protect you…" I sigh deeply and close my eyes as I pull her closer against me. "We just need time, honey."
Abby nods weakly.
"And we both took the first step today," I pull back and look at my beautiful daughter. "I'm proud of us."
Abby chuckles. "Yeah, me too. Kinda."
"Kinda?"
"Okay, kinda a lot, maybe. But I'm not so proud because I cried, you know? I'm ten, I'm not supposed to cry for my Mommy."
"Well," I pull her back to our original position, shifting to get comfortable, "I cried for my Abby today and I'm a lot older than you."
Abby nods slightly and she seems to believe me. She rests herself on my chest and I feel her utter exhaustion as her muscles start to relax.
"Can you tell me a little more about your day?" I ask softly. "How was class?"
"It was okay; it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be."
"Hm, you're a bright girl." I smile a small smile as my fingers caress her cheek. "I was fairly certain you'd pick it up quickly."
"Math was a little hard, though."
"You've always been more skilled at linguistics."
"I liked English, we have to read this book. But I don't have it yet, because they didn't have an extra copy for me but I'll get one later."
"So that means you have to keep going, don't you think?" I say quietly to my little girl. "Even if it's just for the book."
Abby hesitates and she fumbles with the sleeve of her sweater, her hands resting on my leg. "What if tomorrow is worse?"
"It could be," I answer honestly. "But we'll get through that too."
"I guess…" Abby sighs and lifts her feet up on the couch. "Will you take me again tomorrow?"
"Of course, baby. I wouldn't let you go alone."
"Thank you," her voice is barely above a whisper and the true, honest gratefulness in her tone causes a lump in my throat.
"I couldn't let you go alone," I whisper mostly to myself. I wouldn't even be able to.
"What did you do today?" Abby asks, turning her head to look at me.
"Oh, not much." I smile when I look into her beautiful eyes that are shimmering with leftover tears. "Jane stayed home today, so we went grocery shopping. Oh, we made a pie! Pecan, like you love so much."
"Ooh, really?"
"Yes, you can have some for dessert tonight."
"Yeah." Abby smiles and snuggles happily against me, already looking forward to the treat. "Did you have fun with Jane?" she smiles smugly and I chuckle at her.
"Yes, I did." I laugh and brush a strand of hair behind her ear. "You like Jane, don't you?"
She nods. "She made everything a whole lot better, don't you think?"
"Oh, yes. So much better."
"You love her a lot, huh?"
I look into her eyes and feel warmth spreading through my chest, feeling overwhelmed with love for my little girl and my new girlfriend. "Yes, I do," I whisper. "More than I've ever loved anyone ever before."
"More than you loved…" she pauses and looks down at her hands, "than him?"
I stay silent for a second or two. "I loved him for a very short time," I answer softly. "But even during that short time, it felt different. Not like this. He never treated me as kindly as she does." I gently place my fingers on her chin and make her look back at me. "It's not like with him," I whisper. "Not even close, I promise."
"I know."
"I love Jane, and she loves me, and we will for a very long time. I love her more than anything."
"More than me?" she grins up at me, giving me that smirk I know so well.
"Oh, you know very well there's nothing like the love of a mother for her child," I answer seriously. "You, my baby," I caress her cheek, "you're my life."
"Nah-ah, you just said you love Jane the most, I don't believe you anymore." She giggles at herself and squirms away from me. "You gotta make me more pie to let me believe it again!" She stands up and crosses her arms in front of her chest.
"More pie?" I purse my lips. "To get some fat on those skinny bones of yours?" I place my hands on her sides and tickle her, eliciting sweet giggles.
"Yeah!"
"No way." I stand up and point my finger at her. "There's pie for you for dessert tonight, and that's it."
"An extra big piece then!" She follows me and hops around me to stand in front of me. Her eyes are sparkling again, and this time not with tears. She's smiling at me and even though the exhaustion is still clearly visible, the smile on her face makes my heart melt.
"We'll see about that." I cup her cheeks and squeeze gently. "You little minx."
She chuckles and moves away from me to find the dog.
"Did you get any homework on your first day?"
"Nope." She shakes her head and sits on the floor, cross-legged in front of Barney's basket. "Well yeah, we have to read that book but I don't have it yet so I get extra homework next week probably."
"Hm." I look at her and shake my head, smiling when love overwhelms me. We sit and chat for a while longer, simply enjoying being together again after a difficult day.
When Jane arrives home, Abby is in the backyard playing ball with Barney and I stand in front of the window looking at her, a cup of hot tea in my hands. I hear her entering and turn my head, smiling at her. "Hi."
"Hi." She drops her bag and takes off her coat before walking towards me and looking where I'm looking. "How is she?"
"She's just fine." I wrap my arm around her waist and lean into her side. "She's tired and it was a hard day, but she'll be okay."
"And you?" She looks at me with concern in her dark eyes, her strong arm tightly around my waist.
I manage a small smile and nod my head. "I'm okay."
"You're tired," she whispers quietly, "and it was a hard day…"
"But I'll be okay." I look at her and my stomach tingles. God, I hope this feeling never goes away. There's nothing like being absolutely, utterly, head over heels in love. I look deeply into her dark eyes and lean up to press my lips against hers, gently and carefully. "Thank you for giving us space," I whisper quietly. "I appreciate it."
She nods. "I know."
"But now I don't want you to go anywhere anymore for the rest of the day, okay?" I smile, place my tea on the window sill and wrap both my arms around her waist, tilting my chin. "I don't need any more space."
"You sure? 'Cause I could go anytime you want-…" She chuckles when I break her off with a kiss. We smile against each other and she rests her forehead against mine when we break apart. "I do mean it, Maura," she whispers. "Whenever you and Abby need some time, just say the word."
"I know. Thank you." I move closer and snuggle against her, turning my head to look outside where Abby is sitting in the grass petting her dog. "She likes you too, you know. A lot."
"She does?"
I nod. We both look at Abby and chuckle when Barney pushes her over in excitement, the dog being quite large and Abby being quite small and skinny. "I like her a lot too," Jane whispers with a loving smile. "I'm afraid I'm even starting to love that little cuddlebug."
"Well, she has that effect on people." I chuckle and pull myself even closer towards my lover. "I'm so proud of her. Look at her."
Jane nods and I feel her pressing a kiss to the side of my head. "I'm proud of you too, Maura," she says softly. "Today hasn't been easy."
"Tomorrow won't be any easier."
"We'll get through that too. I'll be there."
I pull away to look at her. "You can't take another day off work, Jane. I'm going to have to deal with this by myself at some point anyway."
"Yeah, but maybe not this point."
I shake my head. "No… I'll be okay."
Jane sighs. "How about… How about I'll take just the morning off? I'll be there when you drop her off at school and I'll go to the precinct by lunchtime."
I hesitate and consider protesting, but I know how much I'd love having her there when I drop Abby of for her second day of school. So I nod and agree with her before burying myself in her strong arms again. "Okay then."
"Alright," she leans forward to grab my tea and hands it to me, a sweet gesture that yet again shows her care for me. I smile when I take it from her, untangling one arm to sip the hot liquid.
"Thank you," I whisper.
"You're welcome."
"And thank you for today," I rest my head on her chest and look at Abby who is taking Barney's leash to take him back inside. "We made it."
