A/N:
A very big thanks for your reviews, although the last chapter didn't contain any Ryan. I hope you'll like this one more! I did correct a small mistake, since Kirsten can't know that Ryan has lost his mother. Thanks to the anonymous reviewer who made me aware of this mistake.
Chapter 9:
Seth waited excitedly in front of his apartment building. In fact, he had been astonished that Ryan didn't cancel their trip through New York.
"Hey! Sorry, I'm late," he heard Ryan from behind him. He turned around. Ryan walked towards him fighting the chilly atmosphere of New York's winter.
"Yeah…no, it's cool. I didn't expect you to be up for being my today's travel-guide. I mean, after you haven't been in the mood for chatting yesterday…," he replied noticing the way Ryan ducked his head. Was this Ryan's usual way of walking, or his way of protecting his face from the icy wind? Seth couldn't tell.
"Sorry, I didn't want…to make you feel bad or anything…I just didn't feel well yesterday…had a bad day…that just happens sometimes," Ryan muttered. Seth felt guilty for having mentioned his assumption. He was about to apologise for it, but Ryan cut him off: "So, what do you want to see?" he asked him brushing off the awkwardness between them.
"Uh…I dunno. I haven't seen anything except the school," Seth answered.
"Uh…that's bad. New York is tiny a little bit too big for showing you all its sights on one day. We need to reduce it to the necessities," Ryan explained to him jokingly with a lopsided smile on his face.
"And what would you consider as "necessities"?" Seth asked. He really had no idea. He should have browsed through the guide book his Mom had bought before their move.
"I don't know…uhm…I think it depends on what you are interested in. So, what are you interested in?"
"I dunno. Nothing in particular, I guess," Seth replied, well aware that he was lying. He was afraid of letting Ryan know the truth. If he knew that he was into comics, he would drop him like a hot potato. He was too old for this crap, but he couldn't refrain from it either. This was bad, really bad.
"C'mon, everybody is interested in something. Let me guess,…it's something about arts?" Ryan started coaxing the secret out of him and Seth was astonished at how closely Ryan must have listened to him if he remembered his interest for arts.
"There's nothing, seriously," he tried to make Ryan stop asking questions though. He raked his brains for something he could convincingly come up with, without letting to many details slip.
"Okay Seth, I have no idea what those guys at your old school did to you or didn't do to you, but it must've been bad because otherwise, I can't explain to myself why you are being so diffident."
"I am not diffident," Seth protested defiantly. He didn't want to appear brisk, but he needed to cut this off. He didn't want to be alone again only because everybody knew about his strange hobby.
"Alright, then I'll just pick something and if you don't like it, it's your problem," Ryan decided indifferently. But still, Seth noticed the slight undertone of annoyance in his friend's voice and immediately regretted his behaviour. He needed to get out of his shell of distrust. But how? How was he supposed to know if Ryan would accept him the way he was? Who was he to tell whether Ryan would accept his hobby? He was too afraid to give it a try.
He couldn't bear the thought that, other than his Mom usually told him, it was his and not the others' fault that he had no friends. It was hard to open up to others if you never benefitted from it, but got punished instead. As quickly as Seth' and Ryan's argument had started, it was forgotten and Ryan showed Seth around New York. They went to Liberty Island and afterwards Ryan showed him some expositions, which weren't that bad. After a while, they sought refuge from the cold in one of the many cafés. They settled into a booth, both nursing a cup of coffee and a sandwich, as an awkward silence spread across them. Seth didn't talk to Ryan about himself and Ryan didn't talk Seth about himself either. The topics of their conversations were reduced to school and the sights they've just been visiting. Seth had never imagined that building up a friendship could be so difficult, but he realised that, if he wanted this friendship to work, he had to eventually open up to Ryan. Seth was just too scared for doing so. He had never shared anything about his life with anyone else. Solely his Mom knew about it. How was he supposed to open up to someone he had only known for a few days?
"So…what brought you to New York?" Ryan asked him after a while and Seth was left with no choice than starting to open up if he wanted to answer this question honestly.
"Basically, my Mom's job," he answered as honestly as he could while leaving out his Mom's desire to start a new life after his father let them down in the worst manner someone could let his family down: by creating his personal, perfect, pretty designer-family and pushing away his former family, letting them –his Mom and him – fall apart.
"What does your Mom do?" Ryan asked him and Seth, for the first time, felt how good it felt talking about his own life to someone who could probably better relate to his thoughts than his Mom. Still, Seth feared that Ryan would soon be annoyed be him. This fear sank its teeth into him like a tick.
"She's the head of a construction company around here," Seth responded.
"And she just took the job and dragged you to this place?"
"That's basically what she did," Seth explained to Ryan who obviously wasn't impressed by the motives which made Seth land in New York.
"And you didn't have a say in it, or did you come voluntarily?" Seth figured that Ryan didn't comprehend how Seth's Mom could just decide to move to another city without asking him first.
"Nope. My Mom just decided that she needed a new start in life and took me with her, although, I guess, I needed this new start myself. Things at home weren't peachy at all and I was in dear need of a change too. If I think back, my whole being angry about the move was a lie because there was actually nothing in California making me want to stay there," Seth started to ramble. It was a bad habit and as hard as he tried to break it, he never succeeded. He had told himself to shut up and now he was neglecting his own rules because it felt good to talk to someone his own age.
"Yeah, it might be, but at least they could have asked you if you was okay with that," Ryan added and he was glad that Ryan wasn't scared away by his talkativeness. Only now, he noticed that it was him doing all the talking. He hoped that Ryan was the silent type of person and that he wasn't preventing Ryan from getting a word in.
"What do you mean by 'them'?" Seth asked after he finally realised what Ryan had said.
"Well, your parents," Ryan answered him a little cautiously and Seth didn't understand why Ryan was acting so wary.
"Uh…only my Mom decided that we have to move to New York. My Dad didn't care at all," he said, not even thinking about what he was saying. Talking to Ryan was easy and Seth felt comfortable while doing so, too.
"Your Dad follows your Mom's instructions just like that?" Ryan was obviously confused.
"Uh…sorry, no," Seth answered meekly after he realised what he had said and started blushing. He didn't want to talk about this part of his past in first place. This was his business, but because of his fast mouth he had slipped up and now had to explain.
"Okay, I think I lost track of the reasons, but it's on you to decide whether you want to tell me," Ryan stepped back from the interrogation leaving Seth space to think about whether to tell or not to tell.
"Ryan, you need to promise me not to make fun of me or tell this around, okay?"
"Why would I tell anyone?" Ryan replied, visibly puzzled about Seth's reaction.
"Just…well, my parents got divorced and my Mom was really mad and couldn't stay in the same state as my Dad and so we landed here," Seth finally let it out.
"Oh, that sounds rough," Ryan replied.
"It was, but I think moving here was the right thing to do after all what happened."
"Don't you miss your Dad?" Ryan asked him. Seth gulped loudly on his coffee.
"Uh…not really. We didn't have the best relationship. I dunno, I wasn't good enough for him and he never passed up an opportunity to remind me of that. Now, he has his new designer-family and doesn't even look at me anymore," Seth felt relieved while talking freely to someone his age – to someone, who might understand what he was feeling.
"Oh shit…," Ryan replied muted, ducking his head. Apparently Ryan felt insecure about this topic.
"But now I'm here and I'm optimistic that things will improve here," Seth added to his story. He didn't want his story to deter Ryan, so he had to let him know that he had put his past behind.
"But also here you may still find a bunch of assholes and dumb asses, even at our school," Ryan tempered Seth's hopes. Then they fell in some sort of silence again.
"What are your parents doing?" Seth asked after a while. He had to show Ryan that he wasn't self-centred.
"My Dad's a lawyer and…uh…my…Mom died a year ago," Ryan answered him shrugging his shoulders as if it was plumb forgotten. Still, this answer hit Seth hard. He knew that divorces were popular these days, and he knew a lot of guys his age who had to deal with it, but he never thought that there were actually people with dead parents.
"Sorry," was all he could say.
"It's okay, not your fault." And now heavy silence wrapped them in and Seth started to feel a little uncomfortable. Ryan didn't act as Seth would expect someone to act who had just lost his mother. Ryan seemed…indifferent and that felt wrong to Seth.
"Well, after we've been talking about the dark sides of our lives, do you think you can tell me what you're really interested in?" Ryan asked him finally, switching the topic and the atmosphere instantly.
"Graphic novels."
"What?!" Ryan exclaimed. And here it was: disbelieve and disapproval.
"Yeah I know, it's lame, I'm too old and that's something for little kids, blah blah blah. Sorry, but that's me and I don't understand why people act as if it was some sort of crime. I mean, what difference does it make to water-polo or cars or anything else? At least, graphic novels can be considered as arts. In the future, they will form a significant part of our cultural life and people will read about it in their history books…"
"Seth calm down!" Ryan cut him off, "You got me all wrong. After the fuss you made about it, I thought you were interested in something pervert like…'Fifty Shades of Grey' stuff. I mean, not that I've read that book…in fact, I'd never touch something like that, but I can't tell you how glad I am that you said comics. And who told you that comics are lame and only for little kids? I mean, would you let your kids read anything beyond Mickey Mouse?" Seth was surprised that the person sitting across from him not only knew something about graphic novels, but even did respect him. Okay, at some point of time he would have to explain to Ryan the differences between graphic novel and comic, but that was only a small solvable problem. But still there was one thing:
"You're hanging out with me, even despite thinking I was into all this 'Fifty Shades of Grey stuff'?" Seth tilted his head in astonishment.
"I totally don't care about any of that. As long as I don't have to do it, we're good. Just in case you're into…that stuff as well," Seth blushed once again at the realisation of how stupid he had been, thinking Ryan would laugh about him and after a few seconds both burst into laughter about the own stupidity.
For the rest of the day, Ryan showed Seth the best places for purchasing all graphic novels which probably have ever been published. Seth was amazed at the assortment of articles the shops offered. He realised that hanging out in New York was entirely different from hanging out in Newport. The slight hope that things were going to change and that he finally was going to be accepted as the person he was, arose inside of him. After Ryan's reaction to his hobby, Seth eased a little more into the growing friendship. He could act a little more naturally – a little more like himself around his new found friend. Inwardly, he begged that this was not merely a dream. He was awfully afraid of waking up in his old bed in Newport, realising that this special moment was nothing but a dream. He couldn't imagine returning to Newport. He couldn't survive there anymore. It had been too much. He didn't want this to be just a dream. On the other hand, if it was just a dream, it was a very long one - maybe the longest one he'd ever had. So, the duration made him confident that it wasn't just a dream. It was real and he had to get used to it.
They continued their way through New York's coldness. Seth really had underestimated the East Coast Winter. What exactly was the reason of why he always had wanted to move to the east coast? The winter? That couldn't possibly be true. All right, he didn't know what winter meant when he'd been living in California. Bad mistake. While Seth got lost in his thoughts, he noticed that Ryan had become awfully quiet, quieter than he was by nature and then Ryan suddenly stopped in front of a huge futuristic building.
"Hey Ryan, you okay man?" Seth asked sensing that something was wrong, but he couldn't point out what exactly it was.
"Yeah, just thinking," Ryan mumbled, while he was taking the picture of the building in as if it was mesmerizing him. Seth glances followed Ryan's. He was staring at the huge entrance door: Julliard School, it said. Seth didn't really know what this was supposed to mean.
"Erm…do you wanna go in there?" Seth asked, since he had no idea what this building meant.
"I'd loved to, but my Dad would kill me," Ryan replied not taking his look off the building.
"Why? What's in there?" Seth was clueless.
"My Mom had been a piano teacher here. That's all," Ryan answered him, sounding a little absent and Seth realized that maybe, his friend wasn't as indifferent about his mother's death as he wanted to seem. This caught Seth off-guard. How was he supposed to react now? He had never had a friend and especially not one who had lost a parent. And now: here he stood with a friend who had lost a parent.
"And why doesn't your father want you to go there? I mean when your Mom…I mean…it can't be such a bad place then," Seth stammered unable to phrase that Ryan's mother had been, but wasn't anymore. Nevertheless, he had to show that he was prepared to listen to whatever his friend had on his mind.
"He thinks it's a waste of time, money and talent. It's…somehow complicated," Ryan broke off the conversation and continued their way along the streets of New York leaving Seth dumbfounded by this harsh and abrupt reaction.
"You know, I'm an expert in complicated father-son-relationships," Seth tried to encourage Ryan to talk a little more to him – a little more openly. He knew how burdensome these relationships could be and how important it was then to talk about it, to get rid of these painful thoughts making you doubt yourself and your value.
"It's nothing serious, just the stereotypical fight between parents who favor an academic career for their kids and the kids who just don't give a…shit about that," Ryan replied bitterly. Apparently, the piano meant more for Ryan than a hobby and apparently things between Ryan's father and Ryan wasn't as great as someone should assume after the both have lost a very close family member.
"Well, when it's about fathers who want to pressure their sons into something they don't want to do or don't want to be, then I'm the right person to talk to. My father never had a sense of arts. He never understood why I prefer drawing rather than sports. He never understood why I prefer sailing rather than water polo and such. It's difficult to handle. You just have to be above such things," Seth wanted to make his friend feel better.
"I doubt that my father is that bad. It just became sort of tough. My Mom had been really supportive, about everything. She never complained when I didn't have time to practice, but she also didn't complain when I did practice a lot. My father never said a thing then. But since…she's gone, my father thinks he has to make sure that I won't end up as a broke musician," Ryan sighed thoughtfully. Seth felt proud that he had been capable of making his new friend confide in him, at least a little. This was more than he had ever reached. Nobody ever had talked to him about his issues, but Ryan did. Maybe, his Mom was right. Maybe, Ryan wasn't a bad guy, just a very silent one.
"Did you try to explain to him that being a musician does not necessarily mean that you'll be broke one day?"
"He should know, at least he had been married to one for several years," Ryan smirked and the depressed atmosphere of the conversation was blown away in an instant.
They were on their way home. The coldness had crept into every single cell of their bodies and when it became unbearable, they decided to go home and warm up a little. Seth noticed that sadness was hanging above Ryan's head like a dark rainy cloud since their conversation about his mother and his plans on becoming a musician. Ryan was in the need for some distraction.
"Do you wanna come to mine? We can play some videogames, have some decent food?" Seth blurted without proper consideration. He just couldn't stand the idea of his new friend returning home all depressed and sad.
"And what about your Mom?" Ryan asked warily.
"She won't mind. So, unless you have any other plans, you're really welcome to join me," Seth answered encouragingly.
"Well, my Dad won't be home anyway, so why not?" Ryan agreed and Seth was happier than ever. Nobody had ever accepted an invitation to visit him at home. Moving to New York had been such a good idea. Seth led the way and Ryan followed him shyly. When they reached the door to his apartment, Ryan had fallen behind several feet.
"Hey, what's wrong?" Seth asked, fearing that Ryan finally would bail on him.
"You sure that I can…? I mean, your Mom really won't mind?"
"Why would she?" Seth asked and unlocked the door to his new home. Ryan slowly followed him inside.
"Hi Mom, I'm back!" Seth called while he took off his coat and his gloves. Ryan stood in the corner of the entrance hall, focusing his shoes and appearing as insecure as Seth felt at his first day at his new school.
"Do you want to take off your coat?" Seth asked him. Ryan's head shot up.
"Erm…yeah, sorry. I zoned out for a second," Ryan apologized and handed him his coat, leaving on his scarf and cap.
"Do you want to leave that on?" Seth asked a little confused.
"Uh…yeah…I'm still having a sore throat," Ryan answered. This explained the scarf but not the cap, Seth thought but left out this topic. It was obviously hard enough for Ryan to have accepted his invitation. Again, Seth feared that he might have rushed things. But now it was too late. Seth went into the kitchen where his Mom was brooding over some papers.
"Hey Mom, I'm back," he said once again. His Mom lifted her head, looking at Seth. A warm smile appeared on her face when she saw him. It was always like this and sometime Seth got a bad conscience when he had been out for so long. Maybe his Mom worried more than she admitted to him.
"Oh Seth…sorry honey, I didn't hear you come in," she told him," Oh and you brought your friend," she added when she saw Ryan slowly following Seth, "Nice to meet you," she said and extended her hand. Ryan shook it shyly and Seth sensed that this situation was probably worse than just embarrassing.
"Yeah Mom, that's Ryan. We wanted to play some videogames if that was okay with you," Seth stated. He wanted to reassure Ryan, proving to him that his Mom was really okay with him having visitors over.
"Sure, but doesn't Ryan want to take off his…"
"No, he's still a little sore from his cold, but thanks Mom," Seth jumped to the rescue before this already utterly awkward situation became even more awkward – if that was still possible.
"Then have fun," his Mom agreed and turned her attention back to her papers. Seth led Ryan to the living room.
"Do you want some coffee? I could use some. I feel like Mr. Freeze, if you understand what I mean," Seth exercised polite behavior. If Ryan already accepted his invitation, Seth had to make sure that he felt comfortable. Well, he hoped that the intermezzo with his Mom didn't deter Ryan as to decide to never come back.
"Uh…yeah, that'd be a good idea," Ryan agreed and then Seth went back to the kitchen.
"He's a little shy, isn't he?" his Mom said when he poured two mugs with coffee.
"And he can hear you," Seth countered. He didn't want to talk to his Mom about his friend, especially if he was sitting in the room next door and could hear each word said. His Mom really had a sense for embarrassing situations.
"Alright, I'm quiet," his Mom finally concluded to much his like. After Seth went back to the living room and the two had started the first game, the previous awkwardness was blown away and Ryan unbent enough to make jokes. They didn't notice how the time flew by until Seth Mom entered the living room again.
"Sorry to disturb you, I just wanted to ask whether Ryan wants to stay for dinner," his Mom asked. Seth looked questioning at Ryan who threw a surprised look onto his watch.
"Oh…it's already quite late. I'd better get home," Ryan replied getting up from the floor. Seth glanced at his Mom who wore a strange expression on her face, while looking at Ryan and before Seth realized what was actually happening, his mother was grabbing Ryan, who was about to fall, by the upper arms to prevent the worst.
"Ryan! Are you okay?" his Mom exclaimed, leading him slowly to sit down on the couch.
"Yeah…'m fine…just got up too fast," Ryan responded, rubbing his forehead and squeezing his eyes shut. Seth looked appalled back and forth between his friend and his Mom. He had trouble comprehending what had happened just a few seconds ago.
"You sure look a little pale. I'll call your parents to come and pick you up," his Mom suggested concerned. Seth stayed mute letting his mother take control. She was an expert in mastering such situations, he hoped.
"No…he won't be home anyway. I'm fine really. I…go now. Sorry, for this mess," Ryan apologized. Seth caught his Mom's strange look on him and shrugged with his shoulders. He knew it was her way of telling him that it was on him to jump into action.
"No, Ryan…maybe you're still sick…At least, you've been yesterday and maybe you're still a bit under the weather," Seth suggested.
"Sorry Ryan, but I can't let you go home if you're not well," Seth's Mom intervened once again.
"I'm fine, really," Ryan's voice had become stern. He was fighting Seth's Mom's hovering tooth and nail. Something felt wrong about this situation. Ryan being determined of being fine? That he reacted a little aggressive to his Mom's concerns? Seth couldn't point out what it was.
"Maybe Seth's right and you're still running a fever," his Mom said. She didn't get when it was enough. Seth could see that Ryan was not going to take any more of it and Seth had no idea of how to prevent the worst from happening, his mother deterring his new found friend.
"I'm fine," Ryan stated one last time before he tried to get up only to be forced back down onto the couch by Seth's Mom.
"Mom…maybe Ryan knows better what's wrong with him?" Seth tried to sooth the situation.
"He's a kid, like you are one. He doesn't, believe me," his Mom muted him and Seth wondered what that was supposed to mean. He watched how his Mom lifted her hand to check Ryan's temperature on his forehead. Seth understood Ryan. This really went way too far, even for his like. But Ryan's reaction wasn't any better: he pushed away the hovering hand which threatened to touch his forehand. Within this quarrel his cap fell onto the floor. His Mom gasped in shock, "Oh my God!"
His eyes automatically grew wider and in an instant everything made sense. Ryan immediately gathered up his cap and put it back on.
"Sorry," he mumbled and then escaped out of the apartment. Seth shot up and followed him.
"Ryan!" he called through the hallway, but Ryan didn't turn around, "Ryan, please. I'm sorry…it's…it was an accident…I…my Mom…we didn't mean to…," but these words only reached the walls of the deserted hallway and merely the silence responded to him. Seth went back to the apartment and frustrated flopped down on the couch next to his Mom.
"Great," he exhaled angrily. He has had a friend for one day and then his Mom had to destroy everything.
"Sorry," his Mom replied absently.
"I guess, he won't talk to me again, let alone hang out with me," Seth concluded.
"You'll find new friends," his Mom replied having shaken off her shock.
"Sure, as if it was that easy," Seth answered. He was pouting and he didn't care.
"Seth, we've been here only for a few days. You sure will find new friends, friends who will suit you better than Ryan." These words made Seth blow his top. How could his Mom dare talking like that? Hadn't she learnt anything during the last sixteen years in which she had witnessed what being shunned at school meant?
"Mom, what are you talking about? Ryan's really a great guy. He's talking to me and I can talk to him …and he's just accepting me they way I am!" He screamed.
"Did he tell you…about…that?" his Mom countered.
"No," Seth sighed.
"See? He's not an honest person," his Mom tried persuading him from Ryan being a bad person.
"He probably had his reasons and seeing you and your reaction, I can imagine some of those," Seth shot back.
"I'm not saying that you can't be friends with him anymore. I…I just want you to make some more friends…healthy friends, too. I…it's a serious thing and I'm afraid of you getting too involved in it," his Mom explained but that did nothing to calm down Seth's anger. If it did one thing, then it even worsened it.
"Mom! On the one hand, you're talking to me about tolerance and that I should take people they way they are and then you're telling me I should let down a friend, only because he's…he's seriously sick? Don't you get how paradox that is? I won't let Ryan down, only because you're afraid of situations you can't control. He's my friend, no matter what's wrong with him!" Seth screamed and then stormed off to his room. He dropped down on his bed. He had to make this right again. He turned around and got up again and switched his computer on, hoping that Ryan would be online that night giving him a chance to explain and to apologize. Who had thought that this day would end up in such a mess, after it had started with so much anticipation?
