Chapter 9: Get Free
Death is a strange thing. It rips a hole in our lives, wide and hungry, and we have to get comfortable with that. We have to accept the emptiness left behind by our fathers, our mothers, sometimes our children, maybe friends, and monsters too. Even the loss of a monster can shake us. When you're always fighting, it changes you, and then, when the threat passes, you still wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. Regina woke in the house her mother died in, sweat clawing and sticking to her like her mother's cruelty or her own foolishness. Regina brought her arms closer, not daring to wake Emma as she rose from the bed. She needed a shower. Maybe a drink.
Regina stepped under the hot water in the shower in the Long Island House and let it roll over her face. The heat spread and overtook her, dripping down, and wrapping her up. So, Cora was dead. Regina closed her eyes and reached down to turn the water up. Her skin prickled and the heat of it became uncomfortable, burning her. She turned up the water again, imagining her skin bubbling and cracking. All of the regrets of her life bubbled to the surface of her mind. Henry's childhood and Mary Margaret's too, all things considered. Regina regretted those years, those nights, those hazy days. Regina regretted taking things so personally and letting her anger get the better of her for so many years. So many years of strife and angst and for what? What did it really get her? All that pain. All those wounds inside her. The scars on her flesh were a poor imitation of the horrors beneath but seeing them closed and pink with stronger tissue made her feel just a little bit better.
Regina turned the water off and took a deep breath. Emma was still there. Henry was in New York with Mary Margaret. Life would go on and she could breathe. The water rolled off her skin and into the basin of the tub. It flowed down the drain and Regina took another breath, a deep one. If nothing else, she had this gorgeous walk-in shower. Spending the extra five grand on the stone detailing really was worth it, even if Cora never cared.
"Regina?" Emma asked, poking her head into the master bathroom. The blonde leaned into the door frame, sleep stinging her eyes. Regina gently parted the shower curtain and looked at her.
"Come here." Regina said gently. The smallest curve of a smile crept onto Emma's lips as she crossed the room and leaned against the wall, taking in the sight of Regina, naked and glistening in the light of the morning.
"Good morning." Emma whispered, leaning past the curtain for a kiss. Regina brought her hand to Emma's cheek and pulled her closer.
"Good morning." She said. Emma closed the gap between them and chuckled into their kiss.
"You're wet." Emma whispered. Regina smiled in spite of herself.
"That's a bit obvious, even for you."
"Oh, come on. You love it." Emma said, pulling back to shuck what little clothing she had on and walk into the shower. Regina pressed herself into Emma and wrapped her arms around her and held her tightly. Emma kissed her cheek.
"You ok?" She asked. Emma kissed her again, gently. Without her signature perfume, Regina had an indescribable smell, like a summer rain, and Emma loved it so.
"I think so." Regina said. She held on for a few more moments and then finally pulled back. Emma kissed her again.
"Do you want to get out while I shower?" She asked. Regina shook her head gently.
"No. I didn't really wash."
"Just got wet? And without me? I'm jealous." Emma said, turning on the water with a smirk. Regina rolled her eyes.
"You're ridiculous." She whispered. Emma turned back and wrapped her arms around Regina once more, moving them both under the water.
"You're not wrong." Emma said. The sight of the water pouring onto Emma's head made Regina smile in spite of her heavy heart. The way she threw her head back and let the water cascade down her hair with reckless abandon was enough to even lift Regina's spirits just a bit. Regina leaned closer and placed a kiss on Emma's neck, then her clavicle, then on her chin.
"What's up, Regina?" Emma asked, gently. Their eyes met.
"I'm just enjoying this. Emma I –" Regina's voice faltered.
"I love you, Regina." Emma said. She cupped Regina's chin and smiled. Regina bit her lip.
"I love you too."
The water was warm, of course, but not as warm as the feeling between them. Their love, however fresh, had been tested and they had come out on the other side of their strife together. It was real and it would keep them warm when all the world turned to ash, if it did. Theirs was the kind of love where you could ponder impossibilities and find them possible. Emma brought her lips to Regina's and it felt just as impossible as flying or unicorns. It was pure magic and as silly as that felt to admit, even to herself, Regina really believed it. After all she had been through, maybe she even deserved it; a happy ending at last.
The words were enough to carry them through their shower and into their respective outfits for the day. Emma wore a white tank top, her leather jacket, and a pair of cheap jeans. Regina wore an impeccable blazer.
"You know, Emma, I can buy you nicer jeans." Regina said as they got into her car. Emma chuckled. Though she didn't like riding in these fancy cars, love was about compromise. They would take the yellow big next time.
"My jeans are great and they cost less than a car." Emma said as she slid into the car next to Regina and her Burberry slacks.
"Cars are far more than a thousand dollars, dear."
"You're kidding me."
"Maybe not that yellow deathtrap of yours."
"No, I mean those pants cost a thousand dollars?"
They laughed and the driver pulled away from the Long Island House. Regina turned and looked at the house get smaller and smaller as they drove. Though she thought she would grow to hate that house, in the last few months, she had truly come to love it. It held so many memories and though not all of them were pleasant, they were hers. Getting more comfortable with unpleasantness was something Regina had grown more accustomed to since Cora's death and a lot can change in a year.
Regina looked back at the room that was once her office. She had ruled this company with an iron fist and though no one who worked there had ever loved her much, the company had never gone under. Even if she wasn't the CEO they wanted, her employees had not gone hungry. Regina sighed and exited the room. Down the hall, her Retirement party was in full swing. Though the clicking of her heels had once inspired fear throughout these halls, they just didn't have the same sinister ring.
As she entered the banquet hall, the conversations died down and Regina gently put up her hands.
"I'll only take a moment of your time. I'd like to thank you all for coming today. As you know, my time as CEO of this company has not always been easy. I have not always been a good leader and I hope that one day you will all come to forgive me." Regina said. To say that her listeners were shocked was an understatement. Even Mary Margaret, who had seen the changes Regina had undergone, did not expect such a candid show of contrition.
"For the future of this company, you will need a strong leader. Someone who has shown more patience and kindness than anyone I have ever known. Someone whose wisdom has been forged by tragedy and though marred by its cruelty, has risen above her circumstances and showed an unerring grace. I would like to present the new face of White Enterprises. Mary Margaret Blanchard." Regina said. Mary Margaret walked over to her as the employees applauded.
"Thank you, Regina. I couldn't ask for a lovelier introduction. Please everyone, join me in saying goodbye to – to a really amazing woman. Regina, though we may not miss your cutting remarks, we will certainly miss your ability to cut through the bullshit." Mary Margaret said, chuckling a little. Maybe the champagne was hitting her harder than she thought. No one laughed. The old, ingrained fear of saying anything Regina could even suspect of being an insult kept them silent. But then, a soft chuckle echoed through the room. The chuckle soon became a laugh and all eyes turned to the woman they once feared. Regina raised her champagne.
"Well said."
Since stepping down from her position as CEO, Regina had shifted her exploits from ruling to ruminating, mostly. She had plenty of money, which was nice. She had a person she loved and a son she cared for, which was great. She even had some friends, but as the months went on, Regina found that she was in need of a purpose. When Henry went off to school and Emma headed off to work, Regina hated being left in her apartment all alone. She needed her own activity to do during the day. Mallory suggested she travel. Ursula suggested she take up an artistic hobby. Traveling would take her away from the ones she loved and after a brief incident with a set of oil paints and her white Balenciaga shoes, she decided to move on. Zelena had the winning suggestion, much to Regina's surprise.
"You should start your own business." Zelena said, sipping on a mimosa. Sundays were for brunching with Zelena in Chelsea, though neither of them specifically decided on the tradition. They would meet up in front of the Joyce Theatre to read the marquees and chuckle before walking to a bar to swap stories and kvetch.
"My own business? Doing what?" Regina asked, more than a little exasperated and maybe a little curious.
"Anything. You're clever. I'm sure you can do something." Zelena said. She downed the rest of her drink and gestured for the waitress. Regina's mind swirled with possibilities, but each one seemed less likely than the last. She wasn't the type to open a salon or a little boutique. Event planning was a fool's errand and marketing was definitely the worst way to make money. The more ideas she considered, the more she realized she had never done anything other than hide and manipulate people. She knew how to make people afraid of her. She knew how to put on a smile and make people want her. She knew how to endure. But marketable skills? In that department she felt a void. The absence of a clever rebuttal or viable option weighed on her.
"I'm not sure I can do anything." She said, trying not to sound sad, but knowing she needed to be honest. She knew how to do that, at least.
"Well, what do you like?" Zelena asked. She wiggled her empty champagne flute and the waitress turned on her heel and made for the bar.
"What do you mean, 'what do I like'?"
"I mean, what is something you could wake up and surround yourself with everyday that wouldn't make you want to die?" Zelena said.
What a question. What could Regina surround herself with for the rest of her life that wouldn't make her want to die? That seemed like a tall order. The transience of her own contentment was felt.
"Well, maybe not every day. You might be able to take weekends off." Zelena said. The waitress brought her a fourth mimosa, which she took a long drink of.
"I don't know." Regina said. The waitress pointed to her glass, which was still full of water she hadn't touched. Regina shook her head and the waitress walked off.
"Think about it then. You have plenty of time." Zelena said. Regina looked down and then out the window. Zelena sighed, a bit taken with her little sister. She was always so intense, always thinking about things too deeply. Zelena leaned over the table and took Regina's hand.
"Listen to me. You've spent your whole life doing things that made other people happy. You've fought bitterly for every scrap you've gotten and you've been through a lot. But listen to me, Regina. You're a wonderful person and you deserve to be happy."
"Emma makes me happy. Henry makes me happy." Regina said, pulling her hand away.
"You need a piece of happiness that belongs to you, Regina. Something that's just for you. It has to be your thing. The thing your heart wants. You have a hole in your heart and it's you're responsible for filling it and when you do, everything else will make sense. You'll be a better mother, a better wife, and a better mother. Do it, Regina. Do it for yourself." Zelena said. Her usually haughty air was replaced by something softer, more genuine. Regina regarded her with a small measure of concern. She finally took a sip of her water.
"Something that makes me happy? Hmm."
Despite her best efforts, Regina couldn't think of anything off the top of her head during that brunch. She couldn't think of anything that evening either, but she continued to mull it over to the point of frustration. Emma noticed when she got home from work.
"Hey you. Trying to light that candle with your eyes?" Emma asked, chuckling. Regina, who had been scowling at a candle on their dining room table turned her scowl to Emma.
"No. I'm just thinking." Regina said. Emma shucked her jacket onto a chair and wrapped her arms around her sullen girlfriend.
"About?"
"Nothing. Just something Zelena said."
"Oh? You can't let her get to you." Emma said, planting a kiss on Regina's cheek. She pulled away and walked into the kitchen.
"She's right though." Regina said. Emma sighed.
"Are you going to tell me what she said?"
"Not until I come up with a solution." Regina said seriously. Her happiness was her own problem and she was determined to find a solution on her own. She had to think of something. Who else knew her heart as well as she did?
"Fine. You want something to eat?" Emma said, knowing better than to press too much. Regina shook her head.
"No. I'm going to go for a shower."
"Ok. Do me a favor?"
"Yes?"
"Relax." Emma said gently. Regina pursed her lips and did her best not to look too annoyed.
"I'll try."
The shower had always been a place where Regina did some of her best thinking. It was a place with little distraction and soothing heat that helped her mind center itself. As the water rushed down her body, Regina tried to consider something that might make her happy. A business venture that was entirely her own would certainly do that, but what sort of business would work? What would work? The gears in her ever-industrious mind whirred to the point of strain and a headache was sure to follow. Regina had to admit that she was, perhaps, taking this too seriously and considering it too harshly.
"Maybe I should relax." She said. There was certainly an easy way to do that in the shower and a sly smile crept into her lips. Her hand dipped low and found the curve of her thigh. She made little circles around the side and then front of her thigh. Foreplay, even alone, was important after all. Her other hand reached up to her breast and she pinched. A soft gasp escaped her lips. Her fingers danced against her most sensitive spot and before long, she was leaning against the wall of the shower, panting. Just a little more and she would –
"Regina?" Emma asked, walking into the bedroom. A more thorough lust flooded Regina's core.
"In here."
Emma didn't need to be told twice and she didn't need to ask what her lover was after. Emma shed her clothes quickly and stepped into the shower. The heat of the water was more than she was anticipating, but the sight of Regina in her compromising position was even more so. Regina smirked and licked her bottom lip, an unspoken invitation. In spite of herself, Emma didn't touch her. She shook her head.
"Keep going." Emma whispered. Oh, a teasing game? That suited Regina just fine. She did, after all, know how to put on a show. Her mouth formed a little "oh", with her lips coming gently forward. One hand slowly slipped from the apex of her thighs to her chest and then to her neck. The other hand twisted her nipple, giving way to a moan. Regina sucked on the fingers that had, only moments ago, been inside her and hummed gently.
Emma stood still as stone, her jaw falling open. Her breath came heavily, but Regina wasn't finished. She turned away from Emma and moved back towards her, slowly and lazily. Then, she arched her back and placed one hand on the wall and the other, in a fist, in the middle of her back. Emma licked her lips. Regina wiggled her hips just a bit.
"Come on, Miss Swan. I'm all warmed up for you."
Emma grabbed the hand that Regina held behind her back and brought herself flush to her lover. The restriction made Regina gasp and Emma was quick to pepper soft kisses down her neck. She tightened her grip on Regina's arm and pressed herself harder into her back.
"Stay here." She ordered. Regina chuckled.
"Or what?"
Rather than answer, Emma turned off the water with her free hand and pressed Regina's back until she was bent at a 90 angle.
"Or I'll leave you here." Emma promised. Regina wiggled her hips defiantly and they were met with a stern slap.
"I'll leave you wet and wanting." Emma warned. She released Regina's arm and trailed her fingers down her back, stopping on the curve of her rear. She palmed the rosy flesh that was likely still stinging from the slap and slipped her hand down the thigh to the place that longed for her touch. Emma slipped her fingers between Regina's folds; they came away slick.
"Behave yourself or you won't get your reward." Emma said. Then she stepped out of the shower and walked off. Regina sighed. The day was shaping up to be rather pleasant after all. Happiness was not something so easily won for Regina and she knew that. She wasn't familiar with the concept, though she had enjoyed its warmth once or twice. She was much more familiar with the thrum of electricity that burned inside her or the wash of fuzziness that came with a drug. She knew pleasure, but happiness? That was something else. It was something elusive and healing, something beautiful. But what did she knew of beauty? What did she know of love? Ok. She needed to drop this train of thought or she wouldn't be able to enjoy what was about to happen to her. Ok. Focus. Pleasure. Yes. She could hear Emma's footsteps return and then slow. One step at a time, Emma returned to the shower and placed a gentle smack onto Regina's backside.
"Nice. Now, go lie on the bed. I have a surprise for you." Emma said, smile wide on her face. Regina threw a smirk over her shoulder and made her way into the bedroom. The bed that they shared looked much the same as it always did though there was one choice difference. Black straps were fastened to the headboard. Their promise was nothing short of tantalizing. Regina was a sight as she descended onto the bed, arching and tempting.
"You're in top form today, aren't you?" Emma asked, walking over to handcuff Regina in place. First her arms and then her ankles.
"Well, that won't last much longer." Emma whispered into her lover's ear. Regina chuckled darkly.
"Oooh. Are you going to punish me?" Regina purred. Emma walked to the end of the bed and took a good long look at Regina.
"Maybe. That depends on how you answer my next question." Emma said.
"What do you want?" Regina asked.
"What's wrong?" Emma. Regina paused in her game and raised an eyebrow.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, what were you so upset about earlier when I came home?" Emma asked. Regina scoffed and, all things considered, Emma was surprised how well she carried it off.
"Are you serious, Emma?"
"Yep. I want you to tell me what's wrong or I will absolutely leave you here."
"Come on, Emma. No more talk. Don't you want to touch me? Taste me? I'm all yours." Regina purred. She strained against the cuffs for effect.
"Regina, tell me what's wrong." Emma said. Regina pursed her lips, but didn't budge. Emma walked over to her clothes and started to get dressed.
"Emma!"
"Tell me what's wrong."
"Why? Why can't we just—"
"Because I love you and I don't want you to keep all of your feelings inside. You can tell me when things bother you." Emma said. Regina sighed, irritated.
"So, you wound me up for nothing."
"I mean, I hope not. But please talk to me. Stewing in your emotions has never done you any favors." Emma said. Her pants were on now. Regina started to get cold.
"Fine, but can I at least get a blanket?" Regina snapped. Emma smiled and grabbed the throw on the chaise. She laid it over Regina who shook her wrists.
"Are you going to let me out?"
"Nope."
"Fine."
"So?" Emma said. She sat down on the bed and put her hand on Regina's thigh. She scowled, caught at last, quite thoroughly, in Emma's trap.
"I don't have a purpose. I mean, a purpose of my own. I know I have you and Henry and I love you. Both of you." Regina said. Her voice was thick with emotion, huskier than usual, pained. Sharing wasn't something that she often did voluntarily, not tenderly. Secrets could be used as shock value or pivotal chess pieces, but as stepping stones that bonded one person to another? Regina had always revealed her secrets in a strip tease, flashing them when the moment was right. Her secrets were pivotal in keeping the interest of her audience, but never for something as dangerous as true bonding. The process was not going to feel good, but hey, maybe it would be worth it. Regina didn't know for sure, but she had tried many new things with Emma and some of them had been nice.
"But I don't have something that belongs entirely to me, something that makes me happy."
"Alright. Well, what does this have to do with Zelena?" Emma asked. She brought her hand to Regina's face and smiled encouragingly.
"She suggested I start my own business, which was a good suggestion, but I can't think of anything I'm good at."
"Regina –"
"Everything I've gotten has been handed to me by my mother or through unsavory means. I'm a master of endurance and well, crushing people, but that's all supposed to be behind me. The person I've changed into – she isn't good at anything, Emma." Regina said and she felt ridiculous.
"What? Of course you're good at things."
"Name one thing." Regina snapped, starting to sulk. She flexed her fingers, wanting to wriggle out and leave the room.
"You're good at making me smile." Emma said. Regina rolled her eyes.
"Not what I mean. I would like to be more than your little wife."
"My little wife? Is that a proposal?" Emma said, a little nervous, but trying to keep things light.
"Emma."
"Ok. Hmm. Well, you were always good at making decisions. You're decisive." Emma said.
"Yes, I suppose you're right. So, what does that translate to? Consulting?"
"I don't know, Regina, but what I do know is that you are good at things. I know that no matter what you decide to do, you will be amazing at it because you're smart and adaptable. And sexy." Emma said, leaning in and kissing Regina on the cheek.
"But that doesn't mean anything because it isn't a plan." Regina explained. Emma sighed.
"You don't always have to have a plan, Regina. A plan isn't going to make you feel better. What you need is to see that you're amazing and that you have everything you need to find your purpose right here." Emma pointed to Regina's heart.
"And a I realize how corny that sounds and I know I'm not always good at self-esteem stuff either, but I'm right. If you want to find some new venture, then I'll be here to support you as much as you want or as little as you want. I love you"
"I love you too." Regina whispered. It was hard for her to do this, to connect gently, even with the person she loved so dearly, but a small part of her did feel lighter.
"Now, do you want your reward?" Emma said playfully.
"Smug, aren't you?"
"Well, I do know how to get your attention. Now, let's see what we have here." Emma said, getting back to business. She ripped the throw from Regina's naked body and smirked as Regina hissed.
"Cold?" Emma asked, "Then let me heat you up."
Every year that passes in our lives, the body count inevitably rises and when it isn't, we're getting other scrapes and bruises on our hearts. If we're not careful, those wounds get infected; they fester and weep with bitterness. We don't always mean for that to happen, but life moves quickly and it's complicated. We don't have all the answers, even when we think we do. Regina knew this better than most and she was still learning. Even with love in her life, healing wasn't complete. It was a process and even if Regina's penchant for manipulating people and sucking them dry had ebbed, new growth was still, well, new. She didn't always know how to do the right thing, but she wanted to, and for the people that loved her, that was enough.
As the car pulled up to the curb, Regina took a deep breath. Emma took her hand.
"Are you ready?" She asked. Regina nodded. She was ready, more so than she had ever been. They exited the car and stood on the sidewalk, looking up at Regina's new coffee shop, The Queen's Cup.
"Oh, wow. I love how that turned out." Emma said, pointing up to the sign. It was lovely and well-balanced with a little crown hanging on the "C". Regina walked up to the door and opened it. Mary Margaret had given her a small sum to invest in the business as a measure of good faith. Zelena had agreed to help run the place. Ursula had helped her secure the product, ethically traded of course. The coffee shop would be ready to open in a few short days and the work leading up to its opening had felt good. Finally, she had something that she felt truly proud of; a measure of her hard-working spirit. Regina walked into the shop, her heels clicking loudly on the hardwood floor. When Regina bought the place, it had been a bar, which leant itself nicely to her purpose. A lot of the countertops were original and the lighting was too.
"This place looks amazing, Regina. I'm proud of you." Emma said, walking in behind her. Regina smiled.
"Thank you, Emma. Thank you for understanding and thank you for helping me." Regina said. Her eyes started to get misty and Emma was quick to wrap her up in her arms.
"Of course."
"And thank you for changing me. I was so awful to you, but you changed me, Emma."
"No, I didn't. You did this yourself. I just held your hair back." Emma said. She kissed her. When their lips parted, Regina was crying gently; happy tears.
"I did, didn't I?"
"You did and let's be real, I had my ugly moments too. We're just people, Regina, and we're growing. I love you."
"I love you, too." Regina whispered, kissing her again. When the kiss broke, Regina chuckled, trying to shake the tears from her voice.
"Alright, now what did you want to show me? You said it was something about the –"
"I just told you that to get you out here." Emma said. She knelt and reached into her pocket. Regina's hand instinctively covered her mouth. The tears returned in full force.
"Regina, I love you. I've seen you at your worst and I've watched you fight valiantly for your future. You're the most beautiful, passionate, and powerful person I have ever met. I want to wake up next to you for the rest of my life and I hope that you feel the same." Emma said, sniffling.
"Emma I –"
"Regina, will you marry me?"
"Emma, I have never met another person like you. You are a little foolish and a little impulsive, but you're dedicated. Your heart is so good and you deserve the whole world. I love you, too."
"So?"
"Yes. Yes, I will marry you."
Emma jumped to her feet and embraced Regina in a hug that culminated in a deep kiss. Applause rose in the room and when Regina broke away from Emma at last she shook her head. Zelena, Mary Margaret, Henry, Mallory, and a few other friends stood in attendance, ready to celebrate their engagement.
"You're ridiculous." She said. Emma laughed.
"And I'm all yours."
Author's Note:
Wow. We made it. It took me years to write this and though it's far from perfect, I'm proud of this story. Thank you for reading this. Like Regina, I myself have been through so much since I started writing this. Two funerals. I graduated from college. Kicked a drug habit. A bunch of jobs. Life. But these days, I'm far more stable than I have been and I'm optimistic about life. Change is possible for anyone, no matter their past. The darkness you have inside of you can be released. You can heal. I know it. And don't get me wrong, it's a process and you're going to struggle. There will be bad days, but if you keep at it, you can do it. I love you and you're not alone.
If this fic had ending credits, "Change" by Lana Del Rey would play.
"Lately I've been thinking it's just someone else's job to care
Who am I to sympathize when no one gave a damn?
I've been thinking it's just someone else's job to care
Who am I to wanna try but
Change is a powerful thing
People are powerful beings
Trying to find the power in me to be faithful
Change is a powerful thing
I feel it coming in me
Maybe by the time this song is done
I'll be able
To be honest, capable
Of holding you in my arms without letting you fall when I don't feel beautiful
Or stable
Maybe it's enough to just be where we are because
Every time that we run
We don't know what it's from
Now we finally slow down
We feel close to it
There's a change gonna come
I don't know where or when
But whenever it does
We'll be here for it"
Thanks again for reading. Have a wonderful day.
