4

Window Reflections

We're Off to See the Wizard

Amanda had surreptitiously entered her own house, listening for any sounds from the rest of her household. All she could hear was silence, so she quickly stole up the stairs to the privacy of her own bedroom. Entering her bathroom, she filled a cup with water. She wanted to get the roses that Lee had given to her into water, and she didn't want to have to explain to anyone where they had come from. The necessary explanation would only have raised more speculation than it was worth. It was hard enough trying explaining away the Russian tapes and her sudden interest in the Wizard of Oz to her family. It was getting more and more difficult to keep the reality of her daily life from her mother. Adding a bouquet of roses into the mix of lies and half-truths would only have made it worse. Her mother was already scrutinizing her social life a little too closely for Amanda's comfort, and she knew her mother didn't completely buy all of her explanations.

At least her mother's scrutiny was nothing like what Lee had gone through the past few days. She had learned more about him than she had wanted to during this last case, and yet, especially after today she was grateful that she could have been there for him through it all. She'd had no idea what sort of meeting Mr. Melrose had called her into the office for the other day. The somber faces that she had encountered in his office had worried her, but they had not prepared her at all for the content of that meeting. It must have been a very uncomfortable meeting for Lee as he stood there in that room full of women that he had either worked with or dated, as they learned of all of the murdered women and their connection to him. She could tell that he was uncomfortable just by looking at him. She sure had felt uncomfortable being among that group of women. She wasn't sure if it was because she might have been in danger or if it had more to do with being lumped in with all of those other women. She had always thought that her relationship with Lee was different; maybe because she was only a civilian trainee, definitely because she was a normal housewife who was just his friend. Well, these were all Agency women and they knew how to handle threats like this. In that way she didn't mind being among them.

But four black books! She wasn't sure what to think about all of that. She was Lee's friend, and she was determined to be there for him the best that she could. She could make telephone calls and visits to women in Lee's black books. She had wanted to help him a bit with what had seemed like an overwhelming task. That was why she had suggested to Francine that they could help him make the calls. But the magnitude of the situation and the result of his lifestyle were a bit staggering. She knew he'd had an active social life, but in this light it was a bit overwhelming. She was a bit surprised that he let them help. She was surprised by how many black books he had. But what had really taken her by surprise was the regretful, inquiring look he gave her when he acknowledged exactly what the extent of his past had been. It was important to her that he knew that her friendship was solid and unshakable. She hadn't known then how unshakable she was going to need to be.

She was determined to do anything that she could to help him. She hadn't even thought of the danger to herself until she had seen the look of fear in Lee's eyes as they stood by her car outside Cheryl's house as the police put up the yellow crime scene tape. At first, when Lee told her to go home, she had felt that old indignant frustration creep in. Then the tone of his voice and the look in his eyes had pierced her, and she had realized that he was trying to protect her. The hardest part then had been realizing that he was trying to protect her from the danger that came from knowing him. What an awful haunted feeling that must have been for him. She was more than determined after that to stand by her partner in the most professional way she could. Even when Serdeych had been in her own car and had blown out her windshield, she wouldn't run. If only she could have calmed her nerves faster. Lee had been sweet to assure her that her reaction was acceptable, even among professional spies. She knew that this whole case had certainly shaken him; after all, he had said that only amateurs didn't shake.

It had been so hard and even scary to watch Lee get so close to unraveling. She had noticed how tense he had been the first time she had seen him with Paul outside the bullpen as she and Francine had waited for him to return from the airport. She could feel his nervousness and confusion when he had shown up in her backyard that night with the picture of Dorothy. She had wanted so badly to ease his mind, but she couldn't lie and tell him that she had seen something that she hadn't. But it was the angry outburst at Paul the following day outside the elevators that had worried her most. Lee and Paul had almost become like two dogs in a fight with their teeth barred and snarling at each other. It had scared her to see Lee like that, hurling accusations about murder and who was responsible for the deaths of so many women. How far was either of these men from snapping? She was reminded again that this man that she had grown to trust could very easily become a dangerous man to himself and others. And in that moment he had turned and he had seen her.

"What are you doing here?" he had asked her, and he had sounded livid.

"Are you free right now?" He sounded desperate.

"I need to talk." He sounded vulnerable, and she was no longer scared of him, only for him. But she was also aware that Lee Stetson knew that he needed their friendship, and she was more than willing to be there for him. She had tried to help him with practicality and logic, but this wasn't about logic or being practical, this was about the heart, and Lee's was running the gamut and affecting everything else. For a few moments as they walked to the café and as she had chased the bus with him as he pursued the phantom of Dorothy that was haunting him, she wondered how she would be able to help him. But all of her concern was gone as they sat and sipped their wine. 25 months and two weeks. That was all they had needed to say to each other. She was there for him, and he knew it - they knew each other. They trusted each other; it had surprised her that he had counted the months, and it had encouraged her as well. After that it was easier to come along side of him and tell him that Dorothy's death hadn't been his fault. It was easier to ask him to stop taking the blame. It was easier to tell him that she had read his file because she had been worried about him.

She had meant it when she told him that he was a special man. He was and he deserved something special with someone one day. She had always felt that, but she felt it even more now that she knew about Dorothy. Paul may have been bitter or jealous about Lee's cavalier ways with women, but she had heard Lee tell him that Dorothy had been special. He'd had someone special in his life and she had been brutally killed right in front of him. Even now she could feel the raw emotion coming from Lee as she thought about the way he looked and sounded as he had told her about it. It didn't surprise her that Lee had reacted the way he had in the past and become callous about close relationships. It made her understand him more and what they had achieved in their friendship as well. She was prepared for Lee to be upset about the way she had delved into his file. She was not prepared for the touch of his hand on hers or his penetrating eyes and shy smile as he told her that it was important to him that she cared.

She could remember way back to one of their first cases out in the wilderness with the survivalists. She had asked Lee about his codename "Scarecrow", and he had shut her down faster than anything. But this time he had opened up about the past, the Oz Network and Dorothy. Now she understood why he wouldn't share that information earlier on. It was tied so deeply to old hurts and fears, wasn't it? Maybe he didn't know why the Wizard had given him the code name Scarecrow? But now Amanda thought that she knew. In the book it was the Scarecrow that Dorothy had made the closest connection too. Maybe working with someone put Lee at risk for caring deeply about that person. She could easily remember that first time they had been thrown into a case together. She could remember how he had tried to get rid of her there on the steps of the Jefferson Memorial. She could remember the ache and anger that had crossed his face as he had slipped and mentioned his last partner.

This whole area of partners and caring friendships had been a terrible land mine for Lee, hadn't it? Well, maybe the two of them had made it through. She was pretty sure he knew what she had meant when she had said that even the great ones knew when it was time to let go. She knew what he had meant when he had said "thanks" to her today as he handed her the flowers. She was sure that his gift of these roses had been a way of letting her know that he had been able to put the past in the past and move into new territory. It made her feel special that she had been the one that he had trusted to help him. "Special?" she sighed thoughtfully. She only hoped that he could have someone special in his life again someday. Maybe Leslie would be that person. She didn't really think that Leslie was quite right for Lee, she couldn't really put her finger on why, maybe it was just her intuition again. She had been right about couples on cases before, hadn't she? She just wanted him to be happy.

Placing the cup of roses on her vanity, she caught her reflection in the mirror. Someone special? Everyone needed that. It had been so long since Amanda had had that. Maybe she never had? Maybe she hadn't found the right one yet, just like Lee. Who knew what the future would bring?