Chapter 9- I'll Stand By You
Oh, why you look so sad
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don't be ashamed to cry
I'll be the first to admit, I took Phil Brooks for granteed. He was a Smackdown main eventer, never a Raw main eventer. Everyone knows Smackdown superstars are, as a rule of thumb, weaker than us Raw stars. When he took control of the Nexus, Nolee and I both thought he was going to pick off where Wade Barett had left off: making the lives of John Cena and Meghan Irvine hell. He didn't. No, he instantly came after me. For a while there, I was left to wonder why. What he and his Nexus could possibly want with me. Then he revealed it. I had cost him a championship. I had made him not be able to compete in a match to keep his beloved title back when I was a colder, darker person. It was acceptable, I had done the same thing to Hunter for how he had kicked me out of Evolution, how he had turned his back on me. Phil and I had never been friends so the harshness of his attacks and the attacks of his friends were as harsh as they should have been. I would have done the same thing. I took out McGuillicutty, Harris, Otunga, and finally Mason Ryan with a well placed boot to my head. They got their divine comeuppance from me. Last week, however, what Phil did only served to upset me. He attacked me in front of Nolee.
It was nothing new for Nolee to see me get beat up, oh no. She was a diva and knew that getting hurt was often part of a superstars job. She had been with me when my shoulder had been hurt after all and knew that things often went wrong in the ring. But last week was not in the ring. Last week what he did was make a threatening statement about the woman I love while I was fighting Rey Mysterio. Last week what he did was attack me after I had run from the ring to protect Nolee from his monsterous ways. Last week what he did was make an enemy by doing something that if I did it to his wife Lillie Guerrero, he would have killed me for.
Let me see you through
Cause I've seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do
After a hospital stay full of talk on if they were going to operate on my leg or not, I'm home in Missouri with Nolee by my side. She asked Vince if she could take time off to be with me and luckily he actually said yes. She's been tending to me and staying by my side like she's afraid the Nexus is going to pop out of the television set and attack me. That's one thing I can say about her, she's always been protective of me. Right now, we're cuddled on the couch, eating the microwaveable dinners she's fixed for us because Nolee is NOT a cook by any means. She barely cleans, though with injured knee she's been doing a bit more of both. I run a hand through her silky blonde hair and she looks at me. "Something wrong?"
"Just thinking about the Nexus," I reply softly. "You know, I think I should come back next week just to spite Phil."
"The doctor said a week to two weeks, Randy. Coming back that soon could be dangerous," she pouts, "I couldn't bare to see you hurt like that again." She shudders and I know why. She's been having nightmares about what Phil did to me, only worse. About what could happen if I keep up my assault on the Nexus. She's terrified they might hurt me so bad I can't wrestle for a longer time than I'm already out. Since she was hurt by Ted, Nolee hasn't had the chance for a good match.
"I know Nols. I just...haven't you ever had something that eats at your soul so bad that all you can think about is that?"
She looks at me, smiling, "It's not always a bad thing that can eat at your soul. You're in my soul..."
I smile, kissing the top of her head, "You know what I mean, something so bad that it eats at your soul."
She sighs, "Yeah I do. Remember when I caused Mari to miscarry?" Mariana Thomas, the General Manager of ours who quit when she had gotten sick of the anonymous General Manager going behind her back and setting up things she didn't know about, had once upon a time been the woman's champion and an even longer time ago been Nolee's friend. Back when Nolee was with the Spirit Squad, she had been in a match where she beat Mari for the title. What neither one of them had known at the time was that Mari was pregnant with her first baby. The match had caused Mari to miscarry and had caused an even bigger rift in their friendship.
I'm silent, not wanting to bring up any other things that were a bad time for her as sit on the couch with her. Raw is going off the air which means it's sometime after ten.
Nothing you confess could
Make me love you less
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Finally, Nolee speaks up, "Randy...I was wondering about something..."
"Yes?" I ask, reclineing the couch and laying back.
"Have...have you ever had an I.E.D attack when Alanna's around?" that is a random question and I have no idea what made her think about it. I mean, I've been taking my meds so I haven't had an attack in quite a while. But it's a question that deserves an honest answer.
"No," I reply simply.
"Really? I mean, it's okay if you have as long as you haven't hurt her. I would hate to hear that you hurt your daughter."
"No, I've never had an I.E.D attack around my daughter. When I'm with her, there's nothing to be angry about." I smile, "Why ask?"
"Well...I was thinking about how much we've both grown since the last time we were together," she answers. "I wasn't a good person and you were still having major problems getting your I.E.D under wraps."
"We weren't a bad pair, just made bad choices," I correct her. "But you know what? I wouldn't change a thing about what I've done. Would you?"
She looks away, tearful, "Yes."
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
So f you're mad get mad
Don't hold it all inside
I sit there, unsure if I want to ask the question I'm about to, "It's me you'd change isn't it? You'd make it so I wasn't crazy."
She looks at me, "No, and your not crazy. Randy, if I could change anything about my life, I'd change what I've done. I'd change it so that you were my first, my last, my only. I'd change it so that I hadn't accidentally killed an unborn child. I'd change that I wasn't such a waste of skin."
I've never heard her talk this way and I wonder what's gotten into her all of a sudden, why she's changed from the loving young woman I know into someone who isn't happy with her own life. I can't fathom why she would hate herself. I pull her closer and hold her against me, "Nolee, listen to me, you're not a waste skin. You're not a waste of anything. Everything happens for a reason. Our breakup made us stronger as individuals didn't it?"
"Yes," she sniffles, whiping tears from her eyes.
"And you know what, I don't care that I wasn't your first. I just thank God everyday that you came back to me. That I'm not alone anymore. You changed that. I don't want a you that could have been because you didn't make certain choices, I want the you that exists. The you that wakes up in the morning ready to kill if you don't get coffee. The you that has the incesant need to watch every episode of America's Next Top Modle and Gossip Girl. The you that every night after we show each other how much we are in love curls into my arms and falls asleep. I wouldn't change that for the world."
Come on and talk to me now
And hey, what you got to hide
I get angry too
But I'm a lot lke you
She lays her head on her chest, "I love you so much Randy."
I run my hand through her hair again, "I love you to. I meant everything I said. You're my world."
"You're mine to. During the time I was apart from you...I didn't feel like me. When I was with Cody I was unnormally shy. When I was with Ted I felt like a piece of property that belonged to someone rather than being in love with him. When I'm with you, it all seems right. I can be who I am, all my little quirks still in place."
"Good," I check the television, the beginning of some movie starting to play. "You wanna head on up to bed or stay here?"
"Whats going to be more comfortable for you?" Nolee asks, "I mean, on the couch we can both have our space and you can keep your knee propped up."
"Good point," I nod.
She shifts so she can see the television, "Oooh, Blood Diamond, good movie." But I'm not focused on the movie. I'm still focused on what made the change in Nolee. What made her feel like she wasn't good enough for me. I pick up the remote with one swift movement of my wrist and turn the television off. "Hey!"
"Nolee, we have to talk." I hope my tone isn't harsh. I would hate to sound like I was mad at her. I'm not mad, just curious.
"About?"
"Those questions had to come from somewhere. Those feelings...how long have they been bottled up inside of you?"
Nolee sits up, moving her head off of my chest and getting up off the couch, her back turned to me. "Randy ..."
I sit up, wincing at the pain in my knee as I do, "Tell me Nolee. I want to hear why you think you're not good enough. If...if you're cheating again..." I can't bare to think about what I would do to myself if Nolee was cheating on me again. I love my girl, I really do.
When you're standing at the crossroads
Don't know which path to choose
Let me come along
Cause even if your wrong
"I'm not cheating again," she sits down on the window box, her back still turned to me as she gazes out at the inky black sky. "I just...I feel bad about what happened to you on Raw last week. I was ready to defend myself from Phil. I had my baseball bat in my hand. But when he attacked you, I felt so god damn helpless. If you were with Beth or Natalya they wouldn't have done tat. They would have been out there to defend you. The old Nolee would have been out there to defend you. Instead I was standing there, terrified, screaming for help." I'm silent for a moment. That's it? That's the problem about why she didn't think she was good enough. Then she says, "If I was still with Ted and that happened, I would have been hurt."
Then it hits me. The reason for the sweatpants when she first came to see me, the reason she tries to please me more now than she ever did, the reason that at night she sometimes cries. Ted was abusive. I had always seen it in my old Legacy stable mate when he was with ring rats but I never, ever thought he would have treated someone he worked with that way. I stand up, my knee in pain as I walk over to her and put my hands on her shoulders, turning her to face me. "I'm not him."
She tears up and looks down, "I know your not. I know you'd never touch me like he did, you'd never be rough with me. You'd never make me tell you what you wanted to hear. He just...he did so much damage to me..."
"You're not damaged," I reply, looking into her eyes. Those unnaturally baby blue eyes that always seem to radiate what I want to hear. Right now, however, they radiate sadness and worthlessness because that's what she feels. "Ted was wrong to do those things to you. You should have told someone, you should have told me."
"He...he said if I told anyone then he'd hurt me worse and he'd make sure they never wrestled another match..."
I sigh. DiBiase definitely did have those sort of connections. But then again, so do I. "He's just talk Nolee. He wanted to scare you, to make sure you were devoted entirely to him."
"Well he did a good job of that."
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
"But you're not anymore are you?" I ask, sitting next to her so I can relieve some of this pressure on my leg.
"No. Not since he cheated on me with that...that..." she trails off, looking back outside. "I walked in on them you know. She was sprawled out and he was..."
I shake my head, "He didn't even have the decency to tell you about it did he?"
"Of course not. You know Ted," she bitterly snorts.
I turn her face towards mine, "And I know you never have to deal with him again Nols. Your with me now. I'll never do ANY of that stuff."
"I know," she smiles.
"Do...do you still think your worthless?"
"No," she replies, "because of you I know I'm not." she chastely kisses me on the lips.
"Good."
"You shouldn't have walked over here," she frowns, looking at my knee. "Not without your crutch anyways."
"Bah! I don't need that thing," I lie.
She gets up, walks over to the couch to grab my crutch and walks it back over to me. "We should probably get to bed."
Take me into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you
And when when the night falls on you
I take a look outside, "Sure is a nice night. We could sleep right here."
She smiles and walks back over to the couch, grabbing the pillow I had my knee propped up on and puts it under my knee. "Should I go get your ice pack too?"
I shake my head and produce my pain pills from my pocket, slipping one onto my tongue and swallowing. "Nah. Those should do the trick." She lays so she's not near my knee and still wrapped up in my arms. DiBiase may have done damage to her self esteem but the one thing he could never to damage to is how much she means to me.
Baby, you're feeling all alone
You won't be on your own
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you
Ohh, I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
