Sunday 7 October 2007

Mac woke early, five twenty-eight, she realised, wondering what had woken her. Lying still she ran a mental check list as she monitored her body's responses. Everything seems in working order, she thought, but I'm not getting out of bed this early on a Sunday morning, unless I have to. Turning onto her other side, she curled up under the duvet and was just about to drift off back to sleep when she became aware of pressure on her bladder. Oh, damn, she thought wearily, I have to; if it's not one thing it's another. Irritably throwing off the covers, she shoved her feet into her mules and sleepily shuffled into the en-suite bathroom. Sitting and waiting while her bladder emptied, she felt her mouth suddenly flood with saliva as her stomach convulsed. She could only sit helplessly as she brought up mouthful after mouthful of bile.

Dammit, she groaned to herself, another pair of pyjamas for the laundry and a bathroom floor to clean and I need a shower now. Hah! so much for the extra sleep she'd been looking forward to!

Both embarrassed and angry with herself for suddenly lacking the ability to control her own body Mac set about policing the bathroom. On her hands and knees a few minutes later, the nature of the clean-up was almost enough to start her vomiting all over again, but by a supreme effort of will she fought back the nausea, and task completed, she emptied the contents of the bucket into the bowl and flushed away the evidence. Rinsing the bucket, and re-filling it with cold water, she distastefully stripped of her pyjamas and leaving them in the bucket, stepped into the shower. Having finished washing her hair, Mac dripped shower-gel onto the wash cloth and started to soap herself vigorously. She suddenly winced as the wash-cloth scrubbed over her breasts, ouch, that hurt! she thought, and with a stab of fear, anxiously checked for lumps. No lumps, thank you God, she said silently, her knees feeling weak with relief, but there was no doubt, her breasts were definitely tender, and she thought, squinting at her own body, they seemed to be larger than normal. A dawning realisation shocked her. Numbly she tallied up her symptoms: nausea, stomach pains, yesterday's strange lethargy, today's sore breasts... but... she couldn't be... the doctor back at Bethesda had told her, she only had a four per cent chance of ever conceiving. Think, think! She told herself furiously, when was the last time she'd... Oh damn! it had been about six weeks...

Now real fear gripped her. What if she was... what would it mean with her underlying medical condition? The doctors had given her a whole raft of pamphlets, and she'd read them all; would she be able to cope? Oh God, she was nearly forty on top of everything else! Old for her first time! Would her body be able to cope? Totally overcome by panic, fear, doubt and questions she couldn't answer, Lieutenant Colonel Sarah MacKenzie-Rabb USMC slid down the shower wall, and hugging her knees under the stream of warm water, dropped her head and wept.

Jen woke up as her alarm went off at six o'clock. She felt totally relaxed and at peace with the world. Stretching luxuriously, she sat up and swung her feet on to the floor, quickly changing into shorts and T-shirt, she gathered her bits and pieces, she headed for the door, at the door she stopped for a moment to scrunch her hair back into its customary morning-run pony-tail, and suddenly heard a voice, a casually teasing voice that said, "I like your hair worn loose." The voice was so real that she cast a startled look around the apartment before she realised that the voice was in her head. Smiling at her own foolishness, both for placing too much significance on a comment that she was sure was meant only to tease and for thinking, even for a second, that Miles Caldwell was somehow in her apartment, Jen ran lightly down the stairs and jogging slowly to warm up, gradually increased her speed as she headed along the bike path towards the loop under the Pacific Highway before turning back to head for home.

Jen was surprised, but not worried when on returning to the apartment Mattie's door was closed and there was no sign of the younger girl. Guessing that yesterday's shopping trip, and the events of the late afternoon and evening had tired Mattie more than Jen had thought, she put off waking her friend for a while. Taking advantage of a peaceful Sunday morning, Jen took a long shower and then sitting at her dresser with hairdryer in one hand and hairbrush in the other, her thoughts elsewhere, she sleepily dried her hair. Choosing a pair of slacks and an open-necked shirt, she dressed, and going to the kitchen debated whether or not to risk her hand at scrambling eggs for breakfast. She decided against being so adventurous, so while the coffee was brewing, she sliced a bagel and put the two halves into the toaster.

A glance at the clock on the lounge wall showed that it was long past eight o'clock, and as indulgent as she felt this morning, it was now time she thought for Mattie to put in an appearance. A knock on Mattie's bedroom door brought no reply, so Jen opened the door and with a bright "Rise and shine" ready on her lips stood and stared puzzled at the empty, unmade bed. Moving towards the bed, she felt the sheets; they were cold to her hand, not a vestige of body heat left behind. Jen thought for a moment, it was almost incredible that Mattie could have slipped past her the few moments she had been occupied in the kitchen, and almost inconceivable that she wouldn't have said her good morning, no matter how bleary-eyed and sleep-heavy she might have been. Still, she might have done so, so Jen turned and crossed to the bathroom. Tapping on the door she called out, "Mattie? Mattie, are you in there?"

Listening carefully, not only could she not hear a reply, neither could she hear the sound of running water. Recalling the concerns they'd had about Mattie falling in the shower, Jen looked into the bathroom, which was as empty as the bedroom. Now feeling real concern, and fully aware of the unlikelihood, Jen looked into her own room and re-checked Mattie's room, which was still empty. Frantically, feeling the beginnings of alarm, Jen checked the room. Mattie's cell 'phone was on the nightstand, and her sticks were propped in the corner nearest the bed. She wouldn't, she couldn't have gone far without her sticks, Jen thought. But where would she go, and why would she go anywhere without them? Surely she didn't think she could make to the local paper stand without them. Darting into the hallway, Jen pressed the call button for the elevator, wondering perhaps if it had jammed somehow between floors with Mattie trapped inside. However the car rose smoothly to the third floor and the door gently hissed open. Mattie wasn't inside. Riding the elevator down to street level, Jen fretted impatiently and once arrived she ran through the street door, leaping down the steps and almost running the hundred or so yards to the intersection newsstand. She'd seen the newsboy many times in the past, but she hadn't really looked at him. He appeared to be about fifty years old with a few grey hairs forming a fringe around the back of his skull. He was seated in a motorised wheelchair and was wearing a faded green army combat jacket with a subdued Screaming Eagle patch on the shoulder.

Breathlessly Jen asked him if he had seen a red-haired teenage girl in the last half-hour. She would Jen explained be unsteady on her feet, and possibly limping.

"Nope, sorry Petty Officer," he grinned apologetically, "th'only gal I seen here today is you. But if I see a youngster matching the description, I'll tell her you was looking!"

Thanking him and asking him to please keep a watch for Mattie, Jen turned towards home. As she did so, she suddenly realised that the newsboy had addressed her by her rank, "Now," she thought "how the hell did he know that?" but that mystery she resolved, would have to wait.

Standing in the middle of the street level hallway, Jen stopped to think logically. There was very little chance that Mattie could have left the building without her sticks unless she could fly. A chill of horror ran through her and she went weak at the knees. Yes, Mattie had been a little upset last night, but surely not so upset that she'd... No, it was impossible, but nevertheless with a dread-filled heart Jen went back out through the building door and walked around to the back yard. No, no Mattie, thank God!

Feeling weak with relief, Jen returned to the building. Thinking furiously, she realised that there were two areas she had not yet checked, with a slight lift of optimism she descended the short flight of stairs to the utility room - she had, she remembered made much of the amount of laundry that needed doing, but she hadn't intended that Mattie do it. Her hopes failed, the utility room was also unoccupied, the washing machines and tumble dryers standing cold and empty.

Jen returned to street level and with a feeling not unlike a condemned man hoping for a reprieve she opened the door to the stairwell and started to climb. At last her efforts were rewarded Mattie was sitting on the stairs between the first and second floors with a guilty and wary expression on her face. "Hi Jen," she said with a fair attempt at unconcern, "I kinda went for a walk, but I forgot my sticks. I got this far, and thought I'd take a bit of a rest."

Jen was torn between relief and anger and was about to explode and launch into a tirade about how worried she'd been and how stupid and irresponsible Mattie had been, but then realised that beneath the bravado Mattie was not far from tears and that underneath her cheerful expression she seemed to be in pain.

Concern, temporarily at least, taking the place of anger Jen looked at Mattie and said, "Well OK, can you stand up now please?"

Mattie took hold of the wall railing and managed to drag herself up onto her very wobbly feet. "Now," said Jen "put your arm around my shoulder," and placing her own arm around Mattie's waist they made their slow and painful way back up the stairs. They were both panting for breath by the time they regained the apartment, and lowering Mattie into one of the chairs, Jen took a seat on the couch.

"Mattie," she said eyeing her with marked disfavour, "I'm too mad and too tired right now, to talk about this. But this isn't over. Give me five minutes, and I'll bring you a coffee and a bagel. Once you've had them, I want you to go to your room and stay there until I say otherwise. If we were in a bigger place I'd just ground you, but if I did that here we'd be tripping over each other, so you're CB until I say different. No, don't argue, don't say anything. Right now I don't want to hear it."

Coffee and bagel consumed, Mattie retreated to her bedroom, closing the door behind her with what carefully wasn't quite a slam. Jen poured herself a coffee, and sat cradling it in her hands and wondering what she was going to do to...er...with Mattie.

She was pretty sure what the girl had been trying to do, and as a result the temporary banishment had been more that she didn't want to explode and say too much in anger rather than a desire to inflict punishment.

In the meantime there were still the rest of the day's plans to complete. Jen checked her watch; it was still only twenty minutes past ten, still time for the Colonel to call before the deadline Jen had set. But she also wanted to get a few books for Fran. And Fran's books were still in her room, currently occupied by Mattie. Jen felt that she still hadn't cooled down enough to talk to the teenager, and decided to wait before getting the books rather than risk a confrontation. In the meantime, she could profitably employ the next half an hour wielding an iron. The thought being parent to the deed, a few minutes later saw her at the deployed ironing board reducing the size of a pile of un-ironed blouses.

By the time she had finished, it was past eleven o'clock. The routine motions of ironing, had served in great measure to restore to her a fair degree of composure, but still not relishing the task, she went to Mattie's room and said, "Mattie, please come out now. We need to talk about this morning."

A sullen-faced Mattie, leaning heavily on her sticks, left her bedroom and weaved her way across the lounge area. Where taking a set across from Jen she waited to hear her fate.

"Alright, Mattie, suppose you explain to me just what happened this morning?"

Mattie paused before replying, "It's kinda complicated Jen," she offered hopefully.

"Nope, not going to work."

"Oh. Well, I confused my ambitions with my abilities."

"Nope, not going to work either."

Mattie sighed, and glared at Jen, but then realising that she wouldn't be able to put off trying to explain said, "Jen, that's pretty nearly true - really. Like yesterday, when I walked across the lounge and back; and then when we talked about the academy last night, and there's Robert Graham. Do you know he nearly died from that infection? All I got are these stupid wonky legs. And he's talking of going back to work in a coupla weeks. So, I figured, if my therapist tells me I need to spend more time off my sticks, then I'd do what he said. So I figured if I could manage to climb down the stairs, you know, holding on to the hand rails, I could ride the elevator back up. But, the thing is, when I got to the bottom of the stairs, I felt so good that I figured I'd climb back up. But," she finished miserably, "my damn' legs gave out half-way up." Drawing a deep breath she continued, "I wasn't worried, 'cause I knew you'd find me. I was mad at myself for being stupid for thinking I could do it, and doubly mad for being so stupid for not taking my cell. I just never thought I'd need it. And I'm sorry I worried you, but Jen it was something I had to do."

Jen listened intently, not just to the words, but to the tone. Mattie wasn't making excuses. She had stated her case, she apologised for causing unnecessary worry and she had identified what she could have done to obviate that worry. She had learned a lesson, of that Jen was in little doubt, and there was little that Jen could do that would be constructive. She continued to contemplate the figure in front of her.

"OK, Mattie, here's the thing: You didn't worry me. You scared the crap out of me. I didn't know where you'd gone, or what you were doing, or when you'd come back." Or if you'd come back she thought remembering that desperate walk round to the back yard. But there was no way she was going to mention that to Mattie. "But from you've just said, you had your reasons for deciding to do what you did. You've learned a lesson or two and you're back here safe. I got just one thing to say: don't ever, ever do anything quite so dumb again. Other than that, we're done here."

Mattie gazed at her in amazement, "Is that it? No yelling, no CB, no grounding?"

"Yep. Like I said we're done here. Unless you want me to punish you?"

"No, of course not... but I figure maybe I'd deserve it."

"Mattie, like I said last night, you're nearly eighteen, nearly a legal adult. And you took responsibility. So, that's it. Now, do you want sandwiches for lunch now, or do we head over to Lemon Grave before we go to see Fran, and then grab something in the MedCen Cafeteria?"

Mattie blinked in astonishment. She had expected Jen to at least tear her a new one, especially after the fight of a couple of nights ago. She knew enough of Jen's background and history to know that she was not shy about saying what she wanted to whomever she wanted. Mattie considered briefly; she wasn't all that happy about being let off and being told that it was OK now that she had accepted responsibility. She didn't want to be punished, of course, but this was just weird.

"Mattie?"

"Uh, sandwiches are fine, thanks, Jen. Do you want a hand?"

"No, thanks, except you can pour me a glass of milk, and whatever you want to drink," Jen replied.

Lunch was still a slightly strained affair, as the two struggled to reconcile their feelings. Jen still loved this rebellious, opinionated, headstrong and fiercely loyal red-haired girl, but was fast realising that she was rapidly becoming an adult and was no longer quite the same as the desperately lonely Mattie who had come into her life just three short years ago, looking for someone to trust. Harm and Jen, each in their own fashion, had offered protection and guidance to Mattie, had provided a safe refuge for her and had loved her, seeing the cocky, truculent fourteen year old grow into a friendlier, less suspicious young woman, ready to lose the chip off her own shoulder and listen to the other side of an argument. Now Mattie was spreading her wings, and as much as Jen wanted to shield her and stand below the nest ready to catch her when she fell, Mattie had to make her mistakes accept responsibility for them and learn from her errors.

Mattie, occupying herself with drying glasses and plates was very aware of Jen standing beside her. Since her mother's death Jen was the nearest thing she had to a mother. But Jen was more, and at the same time, less than a mother. She combined the roles of mom and sister, but she was also at times just a sister. They giggled together and they shared each other's secrets - Mattie knew that Jen still wanted the same things she had wanted when she was twenty-two - a career, a good man and a couple of kids; she'd joked that she'd settle for two out of three, but Mattie knew Jen still yearned and hoped for fulfilment, because at the moment Jen had only the one thing going for her, her career; the good man and the kids had yet to come. Jen had helped her buy her first bras and feminine hygiene products. She had told her about boys and their hopes and the schemes they plotted, and they had spent hours cuddled together weaving complex hopelessly romantic fairy tales. However throughout all these experiences it had been Jen in control. Now it appeared that she was letting go of the reins and Mattie, although she had fretted impatiently, waiting for the day she could do as she liked, found it vaguely unsettling. Mattie, since becoming part of Harm's life had become familiar with concepts of honour, service and duty, and in an abstract manner she had applied them to herself in context of military service. She still had to learn that even adults are not always free to act as they please, and that duty comes in many forms.

Both, still pre-occupied with their thoughts and feelings, were somewhat subdued as Mattie let the two of them in to the house on Pacific Avenue. Their first sight of Mac, however, alerted them that something was very wrong, and their feelings pushed to one side, they exchanged a look of alarm, and concentrated their attention on Mac.

Mac greeted them at the kitchen table. She had in great measure regained her self-control since the tears of this morning, but was still subdued. She had dressed in sweater and slacks, rather than stay in pyjamas, but more as a gesture of defiance against fate than with any intention of presenting herself to the world. She couldn't ignore the possibility that she had, against the odds, conceived. True, she lacked positive proof, but the evidence in the form of her symptoms was there; she could build a good case with what she had. She tried to present a calm front to Jen, and especially Mattie, but she was inwardly terrified. Her reading of the medical literature, hastily stuffed under a banquette cushion, as the two had entered had horrified her with its catalogue of disasters that could befall her. She had thought of 'phoning Harm, but what could he do? He was over two and a half thousand miles away, and while he would try to be supportive, all she would achieve would be to cause him anxiety until he could return to her side. She couldn't tell him anything yet, anyway, not until she was certain. Besides, if she had conceived, she needed to tell him face to face, there were topics that would be needed to be discussed between husband and wife. There were options and decisions... No she wouldn't think of those, not yet anyway, not until she had proof, not until she'd spoken to Harm.

She felt dull and lack lustre, incapable almost of functioning and despite the warmth of a California September day she felt cold and her skin felt clammy. Had she observed these symptoms in anyone else she would have instantly made a diagnosis of shock. She would have been correct.

Although she managed to perform her duties as a hostess, offering coffee and cookies to her visitors, she did so in an automaton like manner. Mattie pretended not to notice, but Jen, the more experienced, and more observant saw, noted and was accordingly concerned. While she was wondering how to tactfully broach the subject, Mac with an effort, suggested that Mattie go and collect some clothing, more underwear, or anything from her room. A totally undeceived Mattie said knowingly, "Yeah, what you mean is you want to talk to Jen."

The two older women remained at the table, neither speaking until Jen said tentatively and with a note of concern in her voice, "Ma'am...?"

"Don't, Petty Officer." Despite the imperative, Mac's voice was listless and dull.

"No, ma'am."

"Tomorrow morning, Petty Officer," Mac continued in a monotone, "I shall be out of the office. I shall probably be gone all day. I need to call Commander Coleman, and tell her that she will be in charge. Check with her first thing that she has received that message. I shall need you to cancel all my appointments for tomorrow. I believe the first is at oh-eight-thirty hours. I don't know when I will be able to re-schedule. I will let you know tomorrow, either personally, or by message what my future plans will entail. In the meantime Petty Officer, attend to your duties."

A puzzled and worried Jen replied, "Aye, aye ma'am". She had heard the Colonel angry, she had heard her almost reduced to tears, she had heard her determined, but she had never before heard such a tone of hopelessness in the Colonel's voice.

The return of Mattie with a gym bag slung across her shoulders prevented Jen from trying to find out what was wrong or offering comfort. Jen was quite prepared to risk the Colonel's wrath by persisting in her inquiries, or 'pushing her luck', as Harm had told her, and by refusing to stay quiet when ordered. She had done it before with Admiral, General and Colonel, but always at work, and certainly not in front of the senior officer's family.

On leaving Pacific Avenue both Mattie and Jen were quiet. As Jen piloted the Escort west towards the Navy Medical Centre, Mattie said to her quietly, "Jen I know you don't like talking while you're driving, but can we, please? I'm worried about Mac."

"I will if you really want to Mattie, but I'd rather we wait until we get there, it's only ten minutes. OK?"

On arrival at the medical centre, Jen realised that they had made a mistake. Sunday afternoon was obviously peak visiting hours, the parking lots were jammed full, and it took another fifteen minutes before she could ease the Escort, thanks again to Mattie's disabled badge into a parking slot.

Waiting for Mattie to clamber out of the passenger seat, Jen asked her if she wanted to talk about Mac first and then visit Fran, or the other way 'round? Mattie looked grave, "I know that Fran is your friend," she said slowly, feeling her way into her sentence, "and she's my friend too, kinda. I mean she is my friend, but she's my friend because she's your friend, and you're my friend. It's kinda difficult to put it into words; it's like this, I love you, but I like Fran?"

She floundered to a stop, but Jen had a flash of insight and realising that Mattie's intonation and the plea in her eyes were both asking for understanding, as she tried to prioritise her worries about two different people, put her arm around her shoulder and squeezed her tight.

"It's OK; go on, I'm listening."

"But the thing is, and I know she can be a real bi...er witch at times, and I can be a complete pain in the ass to her, I love Mac too. So... if you don't mind, can we talk about Mac first, for just five minutes, maybe?"

"Sure we can, c'mon let's see if we can find a table to sit at."

The table was found, in need of a wipe down Jen thought, but the cafeteria was operating almost at capacity, and although most of the visitors had eaten, the bus boys were still being run off their feet as they tried to clear the detritus.

"Jen, what's wrong with Mac?" asked Mattie as they took their seats. "She looked awful, and she looked like she'd been crying. You don't think anything's happened between her and Harm do you?" she added anxiously.

Jen, who over the last few days had been forming her opinion, decided that it was neither her place, nor the right time to voice her suspicions to Mattie, was relieved that the opening question, at least, was one to which she could give an honest answer, "No, positively not! Do you think Harm wouldn't tell you if there was?" she asked.

"Well, I don't know. I mean I hate to think it, but he's been in DC a long time now, away from me and Mac and all. And he's got so many friends there. There's that congresswoman he used to talk about, and the shrink, and..."

"And all the doctors and nurses at Bethesda, and Commander Manetti, and Lieutenant Graves, and Lieutenant Boyette..." Jen's smile took the sting out her words as she tried to tell Mattie that she need not worry about Harm and the women he knew in DC. "Besides," she continued, "he's staying with Lieutenant and Harriett Sims, do you really think he could get away with anything hinky and not have Harriett right on his six, not mention straight on the horn to Mac? And believe this, if she heard anything like that, Mac would have cut her own TAD orders and been on the next flight to DC, probably with a pair of rusty scissors in her purse!"

Mattie found it almost impossible not grin as she formed a mental picture of Mac chasing Harm around a bed and brandishing the scissors in threat.

"That's better," approved Jen. "No, honey, I'm sure it's nothing like that. Yeah, she's missing him, no doubt about that. But you are too, hey?" Mattie was forced to agree.

"No, I think that the Colonel's not feeling too good, and she doesn't know why. She told me today to cancel all her duties for tomorrow, and I guess she's going to see a doctor to get her tummy problem looked at. And once she knows what's wrong she'll be halfway back to being on line." Jen paused, her brow wrinkled in thought, "and, I'll tell you something else, that I just thought of. You just heard me reel off a list of Harm's women friends, but, do you know, I can't think of any women friends that the Colonel's got. I think that part of the problem is that she's lonely. Sometimes us gals need gals just to unload on, right? But the Colonel's got no-one; I've known her longer than anyone else out here, but I'm just a Petty Officer. Commander Coleman's on the same pay-grade, but Mac can't unload on her either, because she's the CO. Sometimes, I think, that the Colonel is so damn busy being the Colonel that she forgets she's a woman."

"She could talk to me?" Suggested Mattie.

"Ah, Honey, that's such a sweet idea. But it's just not going to happen. No, listen. There're two reasons it's not going to happen: first she's kinda your CO, she runs the house right? so she can't talk about stuff to you, no different than she can't talk to me about stuff. And second, I know you've been butting heads a lot lately, but like I said the other day, Mac loves you and she wants to protect you, so she'll keep any dark stuff from you as long as she can. That's what mom's do..." As soon as the words were out of her mouth, Jen knew she had slipped up. "Oh, Mattie" she said, horrified at her own clumsiness, "honey, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to suggest..."

Mattie's blue eyes had filled with unshed tears, but she gulped, and dragged her knuckles across them, "Damn sun, reflected off a window," she said gruffly, and clearing her throat, she looked across at Jen and said, "It's OK, Jen, it's just me being a dumb ass. I can talk about mom now without getting mad, but when I think of anybody taking her place... it... it gets difficult, you know?"

Jen, thinking back to the way she felt when she lost her own mother silently gave thanks that her father had never tried to introduce a step-mother into her life, looked straight into Mattie's eyes and said, "I know, Mattie, believe it, honey, I know".

She held out her hand to Mattie, who instantly took it in a fierce grip. Blue eyes looked back into brown, and two friends shared a moment in time.

After a moment, Mattie let go of Jen's hand, and clearing her throat asked, "Are we good?"

"We'd damn' well better be!" A misty-eyed Jen answered.

The production of tissues, the blowing of noses and the gathering of purse and sticks that followed eased any momentary embarrassment there might have been, and as they stood, Mattie grinned at Jen and challenged her, "Last one to ICU buys the cocktails!"

"Only if you give me a start!" replied Jen.

Laughing over their shared absurdity the two headed for the hospital main doors, weaving their way round and through the other visitors. Entering the building they soon made their way to ICU where they were recognised by the rather plump Lieutenant Jen had met on their last visit, who said, "Good afternoon Petty Officer, I'm afraid your friend's no longer with us."

Jen stopped in shock and confusion, the Lieutenant seemed to be saying one thing but her facial expression said another. "I… I don't understand," she faltered. "I thought Fran was getting better…"

It was the Lieutenant's turn to look puzzled, and then as she passed her own words under mental review, her brow cleared and she gave a brief nervous laugh, "I'm sorry, Petty Officer, I'm afraid you've misunderstand me. I didn't mean that your friend had died, but that she's been moved back upstairs; back to Calvin Graham Ward." She peered intently at Jen, as if to make sure that her meaning had got through.

Relief flooded through Jen, followed swiftly by an incredulous anger. She opened her mouth to speak, but, perhaps fortunately for her naval career, no words came. Mattie, sensing that Jen was about to erupt, grabbed her by the arm and saying, "Thank you Lieutenant," guided Jen away from a potential confrontation of Vesuvian proportions.

As Mattie almost dragged her down the hall towards the elevator, Jen muttered, "What just happened there... That stupid cow, she made me think that Fran had died… Of all the half-assed ways to tell somebody good news…" Shaking her head, she followed Mattie's lead into the elevator, and slumped back against the wall as Mattie pressed the number for the next floor up.

Mattie looked at the still-muttering Jen and broke into laughter, "Oh, Jen… I know… it wasn't… funny. But you should… you should… have seen… your face… oh… I thought you… were… were going to… punch her out… there and then!" she managed between her giggles.

Jen stared uncomprehending at the giggling red-head and then her own cathartic giggles broke out as her inner tension dissipated. They were still giggling when the elevator whooshed to a halt and the door slid open. Finding themselves the subjects of astonished looks from people waiting to board the elevator, they looked at each other, and their giggles erupted afresh. Leaving the car, they side stepped around the astonished onlookers and headed off down the hall still, as Mattie later put it "laughing like hyenas!"

They were till bubbling with mirth on reaching the Nurses' station, where a slightly bemused Ensign directed them to Fran's room. Fran was sat up in bed, the ICU array of monitors and drip feeds no longer required. An oxygen tube was hooked over her ears and in position and a mask was near at hand in case of need. Fran looked much healthier, Jen thought, she was awake and seemed alert. Although still very pale, she no longer winced if she drew a deep breath, and when she greeted her friends with a cheerful, "Hi guys! Good to see ya!" there was no sign of the wheezing that had been heard before.

After a series of questions and answers about her health, and the promised books had been handed over, Jen settled down to bring her friend up to date with office events, not forgetting the saga of Lieutenant Simms, and, without discussion of any possible reasons for Mac's sickness, Jen's own story of 'Paws and Whiskers', a story that grew longer and more involved with each telling. The story of Lieutenant Tiner's reassignment was of no more than passing interest; Fran had never been assigned to JAG at Falls Church and didn't know him as either Yeoman or Lieutenant

Fran exclaimed suitably at the Simms story, and laughed at the deliberately ridiculous figure Jen claimed she had been. But then returning to more serious matters, she distractedly plucked at the blanket covering her legs and said, "It's great you guys coming to see me, and Dad and Mom are staying over another couple of days, but… I haven't seen Tim all weekend. I tried calling him today when I got back up her, but his 'phone's switched off. I thought maybe he got deployed, but they say the first/ninth is still in barracks. I guess he just isn't in to sick people.

Jen shared a look of concern with Mattie, and then leaning forward in her chair, she covered Fran's restless hand with her own saying, "Fran, honey, that ain't so. When you were really sick, he barely left your bed for two days straight. He just sat there and prayed and watched you sleeping and getting better. The nurse had to order him to go and wash up and grab a coffee once a day. He was so positive that you were going to get better and he was right, you have. But, I've got a little bit of bad news, no, don't panic, it's nothing serious, but we didn't tell you on Friday, because you were still a little bit out of it." Jen drew a breath, "While we were on our way up to ICU, we met Tim. He'd been busted by the MPs for being UA and was being taken back to barracks. I guess if you can't get hold of him, he's in the Brig."

Jen pulled a grimace of concern, and cast a swift sideways glance at Mattie, who was nodding her head, whether in support or approval, Jen couldn't tell, as she turned back to watch Fran take in the news, and as her eyes, a lighter blue than Mattie's, began to swim, she added "Hush, Fran, hush don't cry. UA's not that big a deal, you've logged enough case files to know that."

Fran hiccupped and smiled through her tears, "I'm not crying Jen, I'm so happy he'd do that for me!"

Fran's logic totally baffled Jen and she exchanged a puzzled look with Mattie who seemed equally bewildered by Fran's reactions. But boldly stepping into the breach, she diverted Fran's attention by indicating the television in the corner of the room and asking, "Does that thing work?"

Fran grinned, picking up on the reference to the joke she had made about the ICU monitor. "Sure does and they even found a remote," she answered, indicating the handset on the nightstand.

"So what do they let you watch?" was Mattie's next question.

It was a question that sparked a discussion about various TV programmes, the titles of some of which Jen had never heard, and descended into soap minutiae that revealed that Mattie had a worrying depth and breadth of knowledge of afternoon soaps. Although Jen detested soap operas, she took genuine pleasure in listening to her friends' enjoyment as they talked about who was doing what to whom and how they were doing it. The conversation could have gone on for hours, had not Jen become worried that Fran was maybe getting a little tired. She looked a little pale, and sometimes paused a few seconds between sentences. On the pretext that they had to get going, she managed to break into a full bore discussion of a Dr McDreamy's multiple charms to remind Mattie that they were due at the Camerons' at seven o'clock.

Fran pouted and claimed to be jealous, pretending to disbelieve that Jan and Mattie were just having dinner at a friend's place. Jen looked at her friend, both pleased and relieved by her improved spirits which, despite her tiredness, seemed to indicate that Fran was well on the way to recovery. "Fran, this couple we're having dinner with, they're the new people from downstairs, the ones you told me about, the doctor and the cop,?"

"Yes…?"

"Well, the night you got ill, he's the guy I called out, and he's the guy that got you in here so quickly. So I want to get this one here," nudging Mattie, "into the shower, and then see if she's got anything fit to wear"

"Uh-huh. Is he a McDreamy?"

"No," interjected Mattie, "he's more of a McSteamy!"

Before the Television discussion could start again, Jen dragged Mattie to her feet saying, "Come on, you, we do got to go! Fran, we'll see you tomorrow, all being well. You get lots of sleep, lots to drink and get better real quick," and then in an exaggerated Virginia drawl, "Y'all hear, naow?"

"Get out of here!" chuckled Fran, as the two waved goodbye and headed back down the hall.

As they left Fran's room, Mattie looked shrewdly at Jen and said, "I thought you said it was casual for dinner, like jeans and T-shirts? so what's the rush? And what this 'fit to wear' BS. Or did you just want to get away from Fran and her soap addiction?"

"No, neither really," Jen replied, "I just thought that Fran was looking a little tired. It's her first day out of ICU, and I didn't want to her have a setback." and then almost under her breath said "Damn!"

Following the direction of Jen's gaze Mattie saw Poppy and Mutti Neumann approaching from the direction of the elevators, and taking her cue from Jen asked in a whisper, "What's wrong? I thought you liked them?"

"I do, but Fran needs to rest now and then!" and adding in conversational tones, "Mr and Mrs Neumann, it's good to see you again! I'm sorry, we can't stay and visit with you; we've just left Fran, and I'm afraid we may have tired her out. It's my fault I should have dragged Mattie away earlier, but I didn't know they were both TV addicts!"

"Oh, Jennifer, Is that you? You look so different when you are not in uniform! I would not you recognise but for this one's curls" Mutti responded indicating Mattie, "and" she added lowering her voice to a conspiratorial whisper, "I am sure your visits my Francine do nothing but good! She yesterday to us said that she so enjoyed them! And my Francine does so love her television; and me I do not just have the time to watch with her, so it is not often she can with someone else gossip about them!

Jen, fretting in a fever of impatience to get away paid hardly any attention to Mutti's stream of chatter, but finally managing to make their excuses, she was about to drag Mattie away when one of Mutti's comments, an apparent non sequitur, struck a chord with Jen, "Jennifer, you, your hair you should always wear long! It looks nice like that! It is shame you have to for work tie it up!"

Mutti's comment also pleased Mattie, who as they finally closed the elevator doors behind them said, "I told you it looks nicer when it's not in that dumb plait!"

Jen grinned wickedly, relived that her attention had been diverted from Miles Caldwell, to which it had been drawn by Mutti's comment, and gently taking hold of a handful of Mattie's curls, said, "And what do you think is going to happen to this lot, when you get to the academy? You'll have to dress it in a plait, or cut it off - maximum length from the scalp - four inches!"

Mattie blanched, and a hand went protectively to her hair. "O crap!" she exploded, "I never even thought of that!" and glared accusingly at Jen who again was threatening to burst into uncontrollable giggles.

It seemed that harmony between the two was fully restored, any restraint resulting from their recent arguments dissipated, with the result that the drive back to Ocean Beach was in relaxed contrast to the somewhat tense trip earlier in the day to Lemon Grove. As Jen remarked to Fran, as she pulled up to the kerbside outside the Third Corner Wine Shop on the corner of Bacon Street, the visit to Fran had done them a power of good. This somewhat elliptical comment puzzled Mattie, who asked Jen what she meant. Jen merely smiled, and assuming a superior manner, shook her head, and climbed out of the car to dash into the Wine Shop, leaving in the vehicle an intrigued Mattie who protested that she wasn't being fair!

Jen returned in a few moments and passing a tissue-wrapped bottle to Mattie, cautioned her not to drop it during the next couple of minutes' drive home.

On returning to the apartment, Jen shoved Mattie in the direction of the shower, saying "Paws and Whiskers!" a remark that drew a giggle from Mattie and an acknowledging wave of her hand as Jen, with one eye on the clock, shouted after her, "Use a shower cap!" Jen had already decided on her outfit, a simple short-sleeved white blouse, cut very much like one of Mac's uniform blouses and a blue, ankle length wrap-around skirt in an aloha pattern, and as she took Mattie's place in the shower said, "Wear your green top and tan pants, Mattie, it's a bit more respectful than jeans!"

Although Jen loved her hair, she was the first to admit that it took some time to dry after shampooing, time she did not have this evening and tucking it up under a shower cap she gave silent thanks to its inventor.

Showered, if not shampooed, as Mattie whispered to Jen, the latter clutching the recently purchased bottle of wine, they presented themselves at the Camerons' door. Tony and Sally welcomed them with compliments on their punctuality, but as Jen introduced Mattie, Sally, with a slight expression of dismay on her face said, "I'm so sorry, we're both so stupid! We've both seen Mattie around over the last couple of days, but we didn't put two and two together and realise that it was you she was staying with! I'm sorry but apart from wine, all we've got is bottled water, unless," she asked doubtfully, her eyes going back and forth between Jen and Mattie, "you drink wine?"

"No, no thank you, water's fine for me," replied Mattie, and feeling that an explanation was maybe necessary, she added "Mac's a recovering alcoholic, so it doesn't come my way, much. One time I had a couple of beers…" and then remembering that Sally was a police officer, she stumbled to a halt, and then slightly red faced, continued, "but I didn't much like the taste."

Sally smiled and said "In that case, I don't have to bust you for under-age drinking!"

Tony's curious, "Who's Mac?" necessitated a somewhat expurgated account of Mattie's life, both she and Jen, by unspoken agreement omitting any mention of Mac's military service. The conversation naturally included Harm's name, and when it was mentioned Sally's voice became neutral and she commented unenthusiastically, "Yeah, I know the name."

Before Mattie could leap in with all guns blazing, Jen quickly changed the subject, and asking what was that beautiful smell, could she give Sally a hand with final preparations for dinner? Sally's grateful acceptance - she was a little embarrassed by her reaction to Harm's name - was drowned out and overcome by Mattie's warning that on no account should Jen be let anywhere near cooked food until it was put on the plate in front of her!

Jen protested that Mattie was being unduly harsh and ignoring her successes, which led to Mattie enumerating, in great and exaggerated detail some of Jen's more spectacular culinary failures.

The dinner was, Sally apologized, just plain roast chicken rice and salad, and just fresh fruit for dessert, saying with a grimace of remembered discomfort, that it was only the last few days that she's been able to keep anything down.

Mattie's innocent, "Yeah, there's been a lot of that going round; Mac's been sick, and Jen had a tummy bug last week," brought a warning glance from Jen, but produced a peal of laughter from Sally and an absurdly proud grin from Tony.

Reaching his hand out to cover his wife's hand which was resting on the table, he smiled at Mattie, and said, "No, it's not a tummy bug."

Jen who had noticed that Sally's glass contained water instead of wine, put the pieces of the puzzle together and exclaimed, "Oh, congratulations!" and then asked curiously, "Is that why you wear a jacket? I thought it might be because of the gun-belt," adding in explanation, "I saw it yesterday morning when you were getting into your car."

Sally grimaced, "Yes", she answered, "to cover up the bump. It's only a couple of weeks now, until they take me off active investigations and chain me to a desk for the next six months!"

Mattie sat in silence, while she tried to work out what had just been said, and then to Jen's embarrassment asked bluntly Sally "Are you pregnant? Wow! Cool!" and then turned to Jen with an excited expression on her face, "Jen! Are you…?"

Jen laughed, "No I am not! No little nephew or niece for you this year Mattie. At least not from me! That was just a plain and simple piece of stupidity - and laziness on my part!" she waited to see what Mattie's reaction would be. She wasn't sure if Mattie had made the connection between Sally's reference to morning sickness and Mac's own nausea, and prayed that she wouldn't ask the same question about Mac. Jen felt a sense of relief when Mattie instead turned to Sally and asked, "Do you know what it is?" and on being told no, asked didn't they want to know?

"Well, Mattie," said Sally, "it's a bit too early yet for an accurate sonogram. The earliest will be in another three weeks, and that's likely to be only about forty percent accurate. But anyway, I don't think we want to know before the baby's born, just so long's it's healthy. And Jen, if I can, I'd like change the subject for a couple of minutes? I get bored talking about me all the time. But if I'm stepping on thin ice her, tell me to back off. Blame it on the job, if you like, but I thought I picked up a contradiction?"

Intrigued by this gambit, Jen raised an eyebrow, and gave a slight nod, signaling Sally to go on.

"Well, this might sound odd; but I'm sure you said that you had a young friend visiting with you.?"

"That's right, I did," answered Jen, reaching out a hand to ruffle Mattie's hair, "and here she is!"

"But, you just said that you weren't going to give her a niece or a nephew this year. Well, wouldn't that make you her sister?"

"Well normally, yes, but like we said earlier, it's…" Jen began,

"complicated," Mattie finished for her

Jen smiled and continued, "When Mattie and I shared an apartment, I was officially there as a room-mate. But Harm got called away a few times on duty, and I had to step up to the plate and take over responsibility." She grinned wickedly at Mattie, "There was this one time, when I even got called in to see one of her teachers!"

"So," Mattie chimed in, "although we were roomies, Jen was more to me than that. She covered my… she had my back when I got into trouble with Harm, but she also told him when I needed to straighten and fly right…" she scowled at Jen "and one day lady, you an' me are going to have sit down at talk about that! She let me try on her things. She had some great clothes! She helped me with buying my first bra. Oh my God, I think at that time I would rather have died than go into a store on my own and ask for one! And then there were…" she stopped, and turning red muttered, "… other girl things."

Jen, Sally and Tony all laughed at Mattie's evident embarrassment, despite which she gamely carried on.

"Do you remember, Jen, when I first started dating, and you wanted to tell me about Ess Ee Ex? And I told you about Harm trying to have that conversation with me? Oh," she turned to Sally, "You would have loved it! Jen was bad enough about it, but I thought Harm was going to die!"

"Yes, agreed Jen. And do you remember what you told me about the results of that conversation?"

"No, what did I say?"

"You said to me, that you thought he had learned a lot!"

Another burst of laughter filled the room.

"So, we weren't just roomies, but although she looked after me, Jen wasn't really like a mom. So we decided she was a kinda-big-sister. I don't know, maybe what you'd call a substitute sister? No, that's not the word I mean, it's… it's what they say, like, if you were having your baby for someone else?"

"A surrogate?" suggested Tony

"Yeah, that's it!" Mattie cried, pleased that she'd made herself understood. "We were going… well I was going to say we were half-sisters, until Jen told me what that meant. And a lot of times, it's just easier to say we are sisters, than try and explain the whole guardian and room-mate thing. And most of the time, it doesn't matter, and it's not really lying, it's a kinda short-hand thing."

"So," Mattie, Tony asked as he made to top up Jen's wine glass, and offer she refused by placing her hand over her glass, "have you given any thought what you want to do when you finish High School?"

"Yes. I'm going to Annapolis! I'm going to the academy!"

"Not law school?" Tony persisted

"No way! Fly navy!" was Mattie's enthusiastic response.

"You should have taken that bet Sal," Tony grinned at his wife.

"What bet was that?" asked Mattie eagerly

"It was a sucker bet, Mattie. He tried to make it in the kitchen while he was opening the wine! Tony said he thought you'd want to be a lawyer, but I said navy. Like I told him, it was a no-brainer!"

"What made you so certain?" asked Mattie.

"Well both your guardian and your kinda-sister - I like that word - are navy, but only your guardian is a lawyer."

"Unless, she decides to follow him all the way, and becomes a navy lawyer." Jen chimed in.

"Not a chance!" grinned Mattie, "I'm going to be a jet jockey!"

"A what?" asked a bemused Sally.

"Mattie wants to be a fighter pilot." Jen beamed proudly

Slightly uncomfortable with all the attention being paid to her, Mattie squirmed in her chair. Tony and Sal were pretty good folks she thought, but they sure do ask a lot of questions. Not sure how to make a graceful exit, she gently kicked Jen under the table, and nodded slightly towards the Cameron's wall clock. Gratefully she watched Jen absorb the hint.

"Oh my God, Mattie, look at the time! Tony, Sally I'm so sorry. I've got to get her to bed, it's nearly ten, and it's a school night. I hate to just eat and run and leave you with all the clearing up! Next time, you come up to us! Our apartment's not quite as big as this one, but we can squeeze us all in somehow. It was a great dinner Sal, thank you!"

The thanks were declined and goodnights were exchanged, Tony and Sally standing at their apartment door until Jen and Mattie crossed the hall to the elevator. As they entered the car, Jen reached out and hugged Mattie's shoulder. "You know," she said, "I was really proud of you in there tonight!" Mattie gave her a questioning look.

"Well, when Sally mentioned Harm's name, she didn't exactly sound like she was his greatest fan. I still get the cold chills when I remember how you tore into the Dragon Lady in Falls Church when you thought she disrespected him. And for an awful second I thought you were going to do the same tonight. But you didn't, and you helped Sally out of what could have been an awkward spot by telling her all those wicked lies about my cooking. Hey! That reminds me, who told you about the huevos rancheros?"

Mattie grinned, pleased but a little embarrassed by Jen's praise, "Oh, Sally's OK, I like her. Anyway she didn't trash talk Harm, she just sounded like she didn't know him. Besides, you can't fight with people when they've invited you to their homes. And who says those stories about your cooking were lies? What about your meatloaf? As for the huevos rancheros, that would have been Harm!"

Once back in their own apartment, the two sprawled on the couch in relaxed attitudes; just absorbing the mood and sitting quietly until after a few minutes Mattie yawned and said that she was ready for her bed, even if Jen was not. Jen smiled and tilted her head towards the bathroom, "Go ahead, but don't be all night. I'm rack-ready too". While Mattie completed her preparations a yawning and pleasantly tired Jen checked that her uniform was ready for the morning before changing into her pyjamas, and having brushed her teeth and laid out a singlet and her shorts for the morning, was just about to get into bed, when Mattie knocked on her door.

At Jen's "Come in." The teenager, wrapped in Fran's bathrobe, indicated Jen's bed and asked, Can I sit down?"

Jen nodding assent, looked at Mattie, and while she was not exactly subdued, something seemed to be troubling her.

After some minutes of silence, Jen's patience was rewarded, when Mattie said, "Look, Tony and Sally seem real nice, but I didn't want to say anything downstairs, 'cos they don't know her, and it's none of their never-mind, and I'm not really sure I should say anything now… But Jen, do you think Mac might be pregnant too? If she is, that would be great, and if she isn't… well, that's OK too, I guess. But, Sally seemed so happy, and well… you saw Mac today, she wasn't a happy lady. And Jen, she seemed so sick and…do you think that maybe I ought to go home and look after her?"

Jen looked fondly at the troubled Mattie. Reaching out she gently brushed a stray strand of hair away from Mattie's face, "Honey, I would love you just for saying that, if I never did before." She sighed. "Mac's a very private person, and like I said this afternoon, there's not anyone she knows that she feels she can talk to." Except Harm, she thought, dammit Harm! Mac needs you, come home! "When she's ready, I guess she'll tell us what's happening. But until then, just do as you've been doing, don't talk to anybody else about any private issues, and we'll both keep a discreet watch out for her, OK ?"7

Mattie turned her face towards Jen, but not really content with the advice said, "If that's what you think, then OK. But, I'm worried about her Jen. Maybe we should call Harm?"

Jen once again put her arm around Mattie's shoulder, and wordlessly hugged her tight. Of course you're worried, me too, Mattie, me too, she thought.

"No, Mattie, I'm sure Mac's already talked to him, and if they thought he needed to be home, then he'd have called and said he was on his way."

Mac was tired to the point of exhaustion. She'd tried to get some sleep during the afternoon after Jen and Mattie had left to visit Fran, but her attempts at resting had been disturbed by the need to answer several calls of nature, and to cope with a further two bouts of nausea. The evening had been occupied at her home-office desk, where she had typed and printed several letters. Now she sighed to herself wearily, and sealed the last of the envelopes that lay in front of her. One was addressed to Commander Coleman, and contained a full briefing on what Mac wanted to happen on Monday. The second, attached to the first was addressed to Lieutenant R Simms USN and contained a formal letter from Mac and a list of the options open to both of them. The third letter was for PO1 J Coates, briefing her on what was needed and the fourth was addressed to Harmon Rabb, in care of Mac's attorney.

Letters sealed, Mac climbed the stairs and into bed, where curling up into a ball, she quietly cried herself to sleep.