Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I was going to a few days ago, but when I went to update the story with the final chapter, something caught me off gaurd. Someone had favorited this story! One spit take later, I watched as the Cherry Cola that was previously in my mouth seep through the keyboard and destroy my computer from the inside out. Luckily I have this chapter, and all other chapters on a flash drive. So live from my friend's computer, the "final" (don't freak, I'm making more) chapter of "The L Stands for Loser". So what's the one, most horrible thing that could ever happen to Luigi? Well, it's gonna happen in this chapter.
The day started out for Luigi as it always had, which he knew meant something very bad going to happen to him that day, via Parakarry and his mail of doom.
Luigi: Maybe I just won't get the mail today. I'll just lay here in my warm bed, away from the troubles of the world. And if he hadn't set off to save the princess, Mario would come in with another blanket and cookies, and as I enjoyed those cookies with the kingdom's finest milk, Mario would say-
Parakarry: MAIL CALL!!
Luigi: AAAAAAAA!! How'd you get in my house??
Parakarry: Privileged information. Here's your 'Mustache of the month' newsletter.
Luigi: Oh boy! Let's see, this month's featured mustache is the classy handle bar; "3 easy steps to a thicker 'stache". I could use this article. Mario's been trying to… could you not read over my shoulder please?
Parakarry: Huh? Oh, sorry. I was just interested in this 'Mustache Massacre' article.
Luigi: 'Mustache Massacre'??
Parakarry: Yeah. Apparently there's this guy running around breaking into people's homes and shaving off people's mustaches while they sleep. They're blaming the lack of mustaches in Toad Town on this guy. Are you afraid about your precious Bob getting hacked off your face Luigi? He's a fine piece of work.
Luigi: Well, the shavings only happened in toad town, so me and Mario are safe out here in the woods.
TV: Breaking News! The 'Mustache Menace' has been reported to have attacked the residents of Bowser's Badlands. We take you there live for the full story.
Goomba on TV: I thought I was safe over here in the Badlands, since the attacks happened only in toad town. I used to not give a second thought about it, but now that it's happened here, no one feels safe.
Koopa on TV: The thought our son never being able to have his own mustache because of this guy just breaks this old koopa's heart.
News reporter: I thought Koopas didn't grow mustache's anyways.
Koopa: … Oh yeah.
TV: We'll bring you more coverage as the story folds out.
Parakarry: Well I better go.
Luigi: Why? This is the last house you deliver to. Why not stay for cookies?
Parakarry: Normally I would, but I have to deliver Bowser his letters.
Luigi: What??
Parakarry: Yeah, since so many mail carriers got laid off the rest of us have to take on larger routes, which in turn caused mail carriers to quit, making the routes even larger for the remaining ones, who then quit as well. At this rate I going to deliver mail to Yoshi's island by the end of the week!
Luigi: Wow. Well, off you go, I have very important things to do. (Opens his newsletter) "Step 1: Coat your mustache in honey and let dry, repeat until mustache is a golden brown."
Later at the store
Luigi: (Slams a gallon of honey on the counter) Hey steve.
Steve: Hey Luigi. Whoa! You still have your mustache!? That's amazing! How do you avoid Mario when he's in your own house?
Luigi: …Excuse me?
Steve: Don't act dumb. Everyone knows it's Mario behind all of these mustache attacks. Word's going around that the threat of there possibly being a better 'stache than his made him go insane, and now he's making sure no one can grow a better mustache.
Luigi: That can't be true. Mario's a good guy, how could you think it was him?
Steve: Let's look at the facts; the attacks are not only in Mario's hometown, but also Bowser's badlands, an area Mario is always in. He hasn't been seen for days and disappeared right when this started. And a shaver isn't exactly hard to come by. Mario has the means and the motive to be behind of this. If they could find the bugger they'd convict him right where he stood. That'll be 7 coins for the honey.
As Luigi left the store he had mixed feelings of what Steve just told him. While it was inconceivable that Mario could be blamed for this horrible crime, Steve's theory did add up to Mario being the culprit. Luigi noticed that Mario had been missing for a few days, but he had assumed the princess had been captured. Could it be true that Mario is the Mustache Menace?
Luigi: (walking through the front door) Great, now won't even be able to sleep tonight with the thought of Mario sneaking in a shaving Bob clean off my beautiful face. Well if I can get this baby thick enough maybe I'll thwart my shave happy brother. (open his magazine)" A scalpel and chisel are recommended for this first step". I think Mario keeps those in the closet. (Opens the closet door)
Mario: (with a scalpel and chisel in his hands and honey smeared across his upper lip) Girl Scream
Luigi: (Screams)
Mario was also trying to thicken his mustache, but for good reason. There was nothing but peach fuzz on his upper lip, because a few days earlier he had been the victim of the Mustache Maniac.
Luigi: So you were in hiding until your mustache grew back?
Mario: (Nods head)
Luigi: Well everyone thinks that you're the Mustache Maniac. Come on, let's go show everyone that you're clean. (Runs out the door) ……Are you coming?
Mario: (Shakes his head no)
Luigi: You are so vain! What, just because you don't have a mustache you can't be seen in public?...
Luigi went on his rant of ethics and materialism for a good 3 hours, which only ended because he ran into the TV at full speed while demonstrating the importance of self-consciousness and got knocked out. He finally got up the following day to find himself being used as Mario's personal breakfast table. As he angrily walked to the bathroom to clean the spilled fruit loops off his shirt. As he looked in the bathroom mirror he made a startling discovery.
Luigi: Bob's been shaved off! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
And for a good 3 minutes Luigi screamed, only stopping because he forgot to breathe and passed out yet again. Luigi woke up on the bathroom floor to find himself being used as Mario's personal magazine rack. Dazed and confused Luigi got to his feet, sending all of the newsletters and magazines wedged between his arms and legs falling to the floor. One particular heading caught Luigi's eye.
Mustache of the month newsletter: "Mustache Maniac attacks Yoshi's Island; Residents of the southern Yoshi Island fall under the attack of the infamous Mustache Maniac. The town's only mustache, belonging to the Chief Yoshi, was stolen in the night. The eccentric Yoshi, having every guard on the island around his house at the time to protect his mustache, believes that the only way past his security would have been by air. ''Either a flying menace is at work, or the guy has some seriously mad hops'' states on the guards. Experts are still baffled how one person could know not only the whereabouts of each new mustache, but how the attacker knows how to get to each hit spot so quickly. Mario has been speculated to be the mustache maniac, although no hard evidence has been provided."
Luigi: Now he's getting to Yoshi's Island?? How does that guy do it?
Mario: (walks in, picks up the newsletter, and shoves Luigi out the door so he can 'do his business')
Luigi: Well, somebody's pushy today. Sigh With bob gone, there's only one thing left to do. (Picks up a scalpel, a chisel, and one gallon of honey) time to work on Bob Jr.
Dexter: Hey Luigi
Luigi: YAAAAAAAAAAAAA! How does everybody keep getting in my house!?
Dexter: Parakarry taught me how.
Luigi: But-
Dexter: Sorry, privileged information. So what are you doing with that honey?
Luigi: I'm trying to make a Bob Jr. in the absence of Bob Senior.
Dexter: I thought you already had a Bob Jr. since your first one ran away. Wouldn't this one be Bob Jr. Jr.?
Luigi: Oh yeah. I even got a tracking device in Bob Jr. in case he ran away- (pauses mid-sentence) …… I'M SUCH AN IDIOT!
Dexter: Glad you've finally see the light. But why do you realize this now?
Luigi: Because I can use my tracker to find this guy and put end to his evil reign! I'll be a hero just like Mario! I'll be revered as "Savior of the 'Stache" and start my own line of play sets and toys so that every child in the Mushroom Kingdom can pretend that I actually care about them. Then a few scandals and unsavory acts of insanity, I'll get through rehab, lose the 50 pounds I gained, thank a weight loss pill for my success, then slowly slip out of the limelight and into retirement only to be brought back on "Toad talk" several generations later and discuss the high and lows of my life so that I can then endorse my new product, "Fruit Flava'd Dentures" which once again I shall reap rewards to- SMACK
Dexter: Get a hold of yourself Man!
Luigi: Sorry. Now come one, it's time to Save this stache!
Dexter: ………………………
Luigi: It's my new catch phrase!
Dexter: ……………………………………………………………………
Luigi: It'll catch on! Now, to the stache-a-mobile!
Dexter: ……………………………………………………………………………………………
Luigi: Fine! I don't have a stache-a-mobile yet! But it's coming along...
Meanwhile
Mario: (Stands next a cardboard box with tires drawn on it with magic marker and a sticky note on the side reading 1/50th coolness scale)
Later in Toad Town
Luigi: Okay, according to the handheld bobradulatorlocatorrator, he's right inside the……Post Office??
Dexter: Whoa, nobody would ever consider 'staching stuff in here! … Get it? Stashing, "Staching"?
Luigi: …………
Dexter: the sidekick is allowed to say cheesy jokes. In fact, it's mandatory.
Parakarry: (Walks out of the post office) 'Sup guys.
Bobradulatorlocatorrator: Beep…Beep…Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep BeepBeepBeepBeep
Parakarry: (Turns around and walks back into the post office)
Luigi: Hey! (Runs in the post office) Para … karry……
Luigi stopped cold in his tracks, because not a few feet in front of him there laid a mountain of hair, and one recognizable wad of follicles was more than overjoyed to see Luigi, and vice versa.
Luigi: Bob Jr.!
Bob Jr.: Luigi Jr.!
Luigi: What?? … Oh well, (Extends upper lip) Welcome home little buddy!
Bob Jr.: (In a slow motion action sequence, jumps from the top of the pile and floats to Luigi's upper lip, but just as he was about to affix himself to Luigi's only appealing body part-)
Parakarry: (snatches Bob Jr. out of the air) Oh no you don't! I've worked too hard for you!
Luigi: Wait, are you behind all this?? Are you, the Mustache Maniac!?
Parakarry: Indeed. You see Luigi, working as the mail man I am forced to be greeted by mustachioed citizens every day. Those fortunate enough and arrogant enough to display to the world their magnificent whiskers. It drove me insane, even Goombas can grow mustaches, boos even! But Koopas are incapable of having these wonderful things. How I loathed those mustaches, and soon I came to the simple conclusion that if I couldn't have a mustache, no one could.
Luigi: You sick monster! Looks like I'm going to have to take you down! With nothing but my two friends lefty (lifts his left fist) and (lifts his right fist) uh… actually I can't think of a name for this one.
Dexter: Wait a minute, I'm confused. Doesn't Kolorado the Koopa have a mustache? (Bonus points if you know who that is!)
Parakarry: I'm sure it's a clip on 'stache. Besides, why couldn't I grow a mustache even with the help of the newsletter's 3 step guide to a magnificent mustache?
Dexter: Because you're a koopa.
Parakarry: ……so?
Luigi: He's got a point.
Dexter: He has no point!
Luigi: So?
Parakarry: Ooh, good point Luigi.
Dexter: Aagh! That's it! I'm outta here! You guys can figure this out on your own!
Luigi: Oh yeah, I can definitely figure this out on my own, with my friends lefty and… dang! I still don't have a name for you.
Parakarry: What do you think he meant by 'figure it out on your own'?
Luigi: I don't know. Is there a problem to solve?
Parakarry: Well I'm trying to grow a mustache by stealing everyone else's
Luigi: And how's that working out for you?
Parakarry: Not as well as I'd hope really. And what about you, huh?
Luigi: I'm trying to return the mustaches to all of the residents of the mushroom kingdom.
Parakarry: How about a compromise then?
Luigi: Okay, if you give the mustaches back, then I'll find something for your mustache situation.
Parakarry: Deal.
And so, through the power of domestic conflict resolution, Luigi set off to give the kingdom back its mustache, and in return Parakarry enjoyed his new clip on mustache. With the help of his reunited mustache to identify each owner Luigi set off on his quest to find each mustache's home. There was only one snag in the plan-
Luigi: You guys don't want your mustaches back??
Toad: No way man! Life without a mustache is great! It's one less thing to spend my time on grooming, I can eat soup without most it sticking to my lip, and the hairs don't get in my eyes.
Steve: Yeah, and without the 'stache prickling the ladies, the girls are now willing to kiss me again.
Chief Yoshi: Besides, the new fall fashion the classic-
All: Beard! (Holds up several magazine depicting such beard trends as, "the short cut", "father time", and the daring, "Ponytail".
Luigi: But you'll have all the same problems with a beard as you did with a mustache!
Steve: Hey, it's not a perfect world.
Chief Yoshi: Hey, let's go try out the simple 2 step plan to a thicker beard!
Toad: It says we'll need a pint of caramel, a buffer, and a stone cutter.
Luigi: But, but what about me being the Stache savior, reaping millions, the Fruit Flava'd dentures??
Bob jr.: Hey, at least you still have me!
Luigi: I suppose you're right. Well, we better get Mario's mustache back to him.
Bob Jr.: Can we stop for soup on the way?
Luigi: (Walking into the distance) Sure, I but you better not hog it this time!
Alright! So that was the final one from last year. Now let's start cranking out "Season 2"! I'll sign off Season 1 with a cautionary limerick about the consequences of not leaving a reveiw for "The L Stands for Loser"
There once was a man from Peru,
Who read a story, but did not reveiw,
the writer came over,
and ripped off his shoulder,
and someday it could happen to you
