My body was heavy; I couldn't move it at all. I couldn't see anything, either.

Am I dead ?

My thoughts didn't go much further than that. I felt like I was floating deep underwater, so deep that I was beyond light itself.

Light...

Too far from her light...

As I remembered her, I felt like I sank further, down into even colder depths.

That's right. She's gone. And now I'm dead.

Down and down I went, colder and colder. The weight of my limbs wasn't as noticeable : I was losing feeling in them completely.

Then her smile entered my mind.

No. I refuse.

Something started burning around me, or inside me, chasing away the cold and the weight.

Anger.

At myself, for letting her get taken away.

Jealousy. Resentment.

That I wouldn't be able to live my life with her.

Love.

Merry.

The cold had gone, and faster and faster, I felt like I was rising, the darkness getting brighter and brighter as I hurtled towards the surface.

I won't let her go !

...

I broke through the surface, suddenly sitting up, gasping for breath as if I'd been holding it for far too long. I could finally see again, and the sight before me would have taken my breath away if I wasn't already struggling to regain it.

I seemed to be in some kind of garden : it was basked in an eerily beautiful purple glow, giving an ethereal feeling to the odd, wispy plants that were growing everywhere . Semi-transparent floating blobs drifted around lazily in the air, floating between where I was standing and a large mansion I could see in the distance. Ghosts... I really must be dead. I could barely focus on that fact, though, for my attention was captivated by and enormous cherry tree standing tall on top of a small hill. It seemed to draw everything in, what with the winding staircase leading up to it, and the way that light itself almost seemed to be absorbed into it; I felt like it was inviting me to lose myself within it.

...

"Sorry about that ! I trust that you're all right , right ?" I let out a startled yelp : leaning over me from behind, the girl who had run me through with the sword stood there with an apologetic smile on her face. I scrambled to my feet, putting a safe bit of distance between us, and assuming what I hoped was a defensive stance.

"You killed me !", I accused, indignantly. She looked a little taken back by my accusation.

"No, I didn't ! Or at least, not irreparably so !", she replied, waving her hands energetically, as if to dissipate my apprehension. What the hell is "not irreparably dead" supposed to mean ?

"I saw you ! I saw your sword go right through me ! Yes, that sword !", I shouted, pointing at the weapon that she was meekly attempting to cover over with her hands. "Don't try to hide it !"

"Oh, um, this swords ?", she asked sheepishly. I answered with a glare. "Well, as far as swords go, it didn't hurt much, did it ?" She saw that I had been taken aback by that question, and so a look of triumph overcame her as she kept up the pressure. "That's what I thought ! I bet you couldn't kill someone without them even feeing it, could you ?" She quickly regained her apologetic tone when she realised what she had just said. "N-Not that you're dead ! Properly, at least !"

I had had enough of this nonsensical conversation. "Look, tell me, why on earth did you decide to kill me like that ?" She seemed to realise that she had gotten distracted, and so, in the same movement as when she had handed me the letter, she straightened herself up, growing serious.

"Yes. About that." She cleared her throat. "My mistress wishes to speak to you in person, and this was the fastest, most efficient way of getting you to her." I raised an eyebrow, dubious.

"What, is your mistress also dead or something ?" She nodded enthusiastically.

"Why yes, of course ! She's the most important dead person around ! So when you meet her, make sure to show a little respect," she added in a scolding tone. It had been a rhetorical question, so I was surprised at her answer.

"So does that mean you're dead too...?" I wondered aloud.

"Well, I'm half-ghost, you see," she stated as if it was the most normal thing in the world. Half-ghost. Why the hell not. Now that I knew why I was here, I wanted to meet this mistress of hers. I guessed that she must be the "concerned friend" who had written the letter to me so long ago, which only heightened my curiosity.

"Shall we get going, then ? The girl asked me, noticing I had stopped paying much attention to her. I accepted, and so we set off towards the cherry tree. Our footsteps echoed all around us in an eerie fashion; it was only then that I realised just how quiet this place was.

"By the way, my name is Youmu Konpaku. I'm the Netherworld's gardener, tending to mistress Yuyuko's gardens." The Netherworld ? I remembered the brief sight of it I had seen with Maribel, back in one of our first outings as the Sealing Club. The strange glow about this place is the same as back then, come to think of it...

"Wait, you really are a gardener ?" She looked hurt by my lack of faith in her words.

"You didn't believe me...?"

"Sorry, it's just that... swords aren't usually used for gardening where I come from." She chuckled.

"These aren't for gardening, they're for guard duty ! I guess I'm a bit of a multitasker, huh...", she added to herself. "It's a zen garden, anyway. Rakes are better than swords for that kind of work," she stated as if I was still listening to her.

Yuyuko... She's a close friend of Yukari's, then. I felt a pinch of jealousy just thinking about it. I'm going to meet the person with who she replaces me with. I tried to shake the thought out of my head. No, I should be happy that she found an equally long-lived friend. After all, whatever happens, I'll be dead long before her... Seeing how lively Youmu was, I wondered if death would really be such a problem after all.

...

We had been walking for a few minutes now, and had arrived under the cherry tree.

"Well, the mistress asked me to bring you to this spot, so... I suppose we wait here ?" Don't ask me !

"Welcome, Renko." A soothing yet unearthly voice came from above me; looking up, I saw a tall woman dressed in an expensive-looking blue kimono descending towards us from the tree, her medium-length pink hair floating around her face like a light mist. She landed on the ground a few paces in front of me, making no sound whatsoever as her elegant sandals made contact with the large black cobblestones lining the ground around the tree.

"I am Yuyuko Saigyouji, Princess of the Netherworld, and close friend to Yukari Yakumo." She smiled. "I imagine you have many questions, no ? As long as you're here, do not worry about being pressed for time. We may speak at our leisure." Youmu, who had gone to stand by her side, looked a little upset at this.

"You're going to stay here ? Wouldn't it be better to return to the mansion, so that I can serve you both a cup of-"

"Hush, Youmu !", Yuyuko hissed. She then whispered in a childish tone, "it's far more impressive if we talk here, don't you think ?" Youmu curtseyed, choosing to say no more, whilst the ghostly princess turned her attention back to me as if I hadn't heard anything. I remained silent; I did have a lot of questions, but I didn't know where to start. And anyway, is there even any point ? It's all over now.

"First of all, I would like to apologise for my friend's... impatience," she resumed in her majestic tone, which had lost a little of its effect after the little aparté with her gardener. "You see, when I gave you that letter, I hoped that you'd be able to get through to her, and appeal to her... better side. I didn't quite grasp how strongly she had set her mind on her plan. I apologize for giving you such vague instructions, leading you to our current situation." She bowed her head slightly in a sign of apology. Since it had been mentioned, I took this as an opportunity to ask something I had been wondering about.

"That letter, from what I could tell, seemed like it was hundreds of years old. How could you possibly have addressed it to me ?" She smiled calmly, like she had been expecting that question.

"Yukari has already shown you how she turned into a youkai, that I know. She always skips little details, though. For example, she neglected to tell you that, when she was finally overtaken by her visions, the borders she was struggling with had become terribly unstable; she fell through them, not only moving through space but also through time. The newly-born Yukari predated her old life by over a millennium." I nodded slowly : I knew time travel must have had something to do with this, but it being said like this made it clearer.

"So wait," I asked, suddenly hopeful, "does that mean that, way back then, she talked to you about me ? That she remembered me ?" Her smile widened, even warmer now.

"Did you think she could forget about you ? She only wishes she could !" She added with a chuckle. I didn't know what to think.

"Let me put things in order for you. I met her a short time after she had started to fully master her powers. Back then, I was still alive..." After a pause, she resumed. "Things happened. Things went wrong. But in the end, her power helped me become what I am today," she said, doing a little spin and smiling, "and to be honest, I'm not complaining. Anyway, we had become friends, both happy to find someone who we wouldn't outlive any time soon. Well, depending on what you mean by "live". We talked a lot, about anything and everything. One day, we ended up talking about our memories. I don't remember anything of my old life, which I think is for the best. Especially considering how she talked about hers..."

She stopped smiling, and walked up closer to me. Arriving in front of me, she lifted my chin up with one finger, making me look into her entrancing eyes. "She told me that, even after all these years, there was something she regretted. She forgot little details of her past life, just like anyone does, but the end of her human life was firmly burnt into her mind, as you already know from those vivid memories she showed you. Amongst those memories, there was something that, no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't forget. Do you have any idea what it might have been ?"

I wanted to say I knew. I wanted to be right. I would have given anything to hear her confirm what the little voice of hope was whispering in the back of my mind. Please tell me that it was me. Yuyuko's smile, however warm it may have been, was torture to me as she made me wait; I couldn't bring myself to say what I was thinking, I couldn't allow myself to feel any hope.

"You know the answer already. It was you, Renko. You were her one regret. It was you that she could never forget."

My heart was pounding in my chest. It didn't really make sense : I knew she hadn't forgotten me, since she had even referred to me by name, but... She had wanted to forget me. That must mean something, right ?

"That's right. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't forget you. Believe me, she tried. She had a plan, you see. But before she attempted anything, she wanted me to know, as a... backup, I suppose. She told me everything about you, how, back when she was still human, you were her only friend; you listened to her, no matter how crazy everything she said seemed. With her, she didn't feel so alone when faced with her visions. As you know, though, in your future, she took a decision, one which she would regret for over a millennium afterwards."

She had decided not to tell me about the increase in her powers. She thought she was protecting me. But I want to be able to protect her ! I don't want her to be alone as she slowly loses herself !

"It was from then on that everything started going downhill. But you know that already by now. After she became a youkai, she was full of regret. She had let herself lose the one person who could have helped her, and now that it was too late, she was left only with the memories of a friendship lost. She had secretly hoped that, even after she distanced herself from you, that you'd still come and find her, and help her... but you never came. Although, it's a bit unfair to refer to that future Renko as "you" at this point, I think."

Her words hit hard. I didn't want to believe that I'd just abandon her like that... But if I felt like she had wanted me gone, that she had rejected me, no matter how much I'd want to, I doubt I would have the strength to fight her to allow me to help her...

My future self is just as weak as my current self, I see.

"As her regret burned the brightest, her powers were still young. She didn't think she'd actually be able to do anything about it. So she just stewed in her regret... and in what she probably thought was resentment towards you."

Even after everything she had done these last few days, I had actually started feeling sorry for Yukari. After all, underneath everything, it really is Merry buried down there...

"By the time she met me, she had already grown... harder. She had created a sort of shell around her emotions. For someone like her, it was a necessity. However, it made her miss out on a simple idea that could have solved all these problems. Instead, the plan she came up with was something much more complicated, which she told me that very same day, after having revealed all her regrets to me." She ended this sentence with a long sight.

"She had decided to seal her own memories. She just wanted to forget, to not feel the burning pain of regret for so long. I wasn't sure if she could : I warned her that I could be dangerous. That there might be a better way. She wasn't listening, though. She went ahead and tried anyway."

I was anxiously waiting on her every word. I never imagined she'd have gone that far just to forget... to forget about me. A bitter chuckle escaped my lips. What an awful friend I am if she felt the need to use magic just to erase her memories of me. Yuyuko then continued.

"She failed. She didn't succeed in sealing her memories of you, and so she didn't forget about you. In a last resort attempt, she tried what she thought would be second-best to her first plan : sealing away every positive feeling towards you. She thought that, without them, she'd stop feeling the regret that had been gnawing at her, you see."

I could tell that this was important, that what she was saying was the source of all our problems over the last few days.

"Seeing you under a new light, you were now just an annoyance; she might even have managed to convince herself that you were the cause of all the sadness, all the regret that she had felt all those years. Not because she missed you, though, but because you had betrayed her. That's what she said, anyway. The troubled times she had experienced in becoming a youkai ? She viewed them as unnecessary, or to be more precise, said that they had been hindering her. If she could just go back and cut off the problem at its source, then she'd be able to improve everything for herself, she thought."

Cut off the problem at its source. Yes, that's all I am, after all.

"Of course, she found excuses. Showing her past self Gensokyo, creating a better world, all that was just a cover-up story, a lie to cover up the fact that deep down, she was doing all this just to justify erasing you from her past. She wanted to restart, this time, distancing her past self from you before becoming a youkai. She thought she might be able to make you hate her; it was quite a surprise to her how easily you forgave Maribel when Yukari made her sacrifice two other people so easily."

I remembered. I had been shaken to the core by that event. But I trusted her. I knew something was wrong, that it wasn't quite Maribel. Although, if it was Yukari controlling her, then, in a way... isn't it her ? Yuyuko saw the look on my face and laughed softly.

"You don't believe your friend could do something so manipulative, even after becoming a youkai ? Let me tell you something : eternity changes people. Personally, I've become mellower," she added as an afterthought. Growing serious again, she continued.

"She's changed so much since she was the person you know. She's gone through wars. She's separated Gensokyo from your world, turning it into an independent land of its own. She's used to scheming, manipulating, lying and deceit, so it's only natural that somewhere along the way, she would end up trying to deceive herself. She underestimated herself quite poorly, I'd say..." She looked pensive, pausing in her explanation, but I wanted her to carry on. I needed to know everything.

"So, she lied to herself. Her past self. Getting near the end of her days ? The whole "balance between the worlds" rubbish ? Lies. And yet she knew they were necessary. Necessary to make Maribel think all this is necessary. Necessary, because she didn't want Maribel's feelings for you to get in the way of her plan."

My heart leapt at those words. Her feelings for me.

"What, you weren't sure that she had feelings for you ? My, you aren't very good at reading her signs, are you ?" I felt myself blush, and stared down at the ground. Despite that, I felt like I was balancing on the edge of something, not quite allowing myself to take the plunge. Joy, that's what it is. I'm too scared to believe her so easily.

"Your entire time here has been designed to create tension between Maribel and you, as she hoped to crush your friendship and put a good distance between you two; if she managed to make Maribel believe that everything she said was necessary, she thought that it would make it easier for her to forget you, and with her guidance, she'd be able to transition into a youkai without all the confusion that she went through last time. Alas, that was the reasoning of someone who has blocked off their emotions a long time ago. Because of that, she can't quite understand how strong the bond between the two of you is. She'd restart, and maybe save herself some confusion when it comes to using her powers, but the heartbreak from being wrenched from you ? That'll last a lifetime. Another one. A very long lifetime, at that. The truth is, even after having blocked off her feelings towards you, there's still something there, even if she won't admit. Something burning deep inside her, very dim, on the verge of going out, but still there; it's this inexplicable resilience of her own feelings that she hates so much, that'll drive her to restart as many times as she thinks is necessary to get rid of it." She then looked me straight in the eyes, hers burning with determination.

"This is why she must be stopped. As her friend, it's my job to stop her from making such a big mistake for a second time. Sadly, I'm powerless to help. If I told her she that her plan would amount to nothing because her past self would miss you, in her current state, she'd dismiss that thought in a second. That's why it needs to be you, Renko. You need to break the seal on her emotions. Make her remember the real reason behind all this. Make her remember what Maribel feels for you."

...

I felt from her words a genuine desire to help her friend. I, too, obviously wanted to help. But doesn't she realise it's too late ? I looked up at her, trying my best to hide the sadness in my eyes.

"I want to help. Of course I do. She means so much to me. But... but she's gone, isn't she ? Yukari took her away, leaving me to..." Yuyuko shook her head, her eyes closed.

"Yukari won't have finished with her yet. No, I know her well enough to be sure about that : before turning your friend into mine, she'll make sure to go over everything multiple times with her, teaching her everything she can, getting her into the right mindset... vainly attempting to make it so that Maribel forgets about you. Yes, we still have time." She saw that I was about to protest, and so she cut me off again. "Might you be wondering how to find her ? That won't be hard either. It would be strange for me to not even know where my friend's house was, wouldn't it ?"

Her house ? After the voids filled with staring eyes and the incredible powers she wielded, it felt strange to think that she would have just returned to her house. It sounds so... normal. Banal, even. Strangely, I felt a speck of hope from that thought : maybe there is a faint bit of humanity left in her, and so, maybe there might be a chance that she'd listen to me...

Then I remembered how she'd acted so far. How she'd been so unwilling to listen to me that she forcefully controlled Maribel's mind to separate us. She's not going to listen. Even if I get another chance, what could I possibly do ? I stared down at my feet, the brief instant of hope already long gone. Yuyuko took my head in her hands, once again making me stare deep into her eyes.

"What's the matter, Renko ? Feeling overwhelmed ? Cheer up : you're getting another chance at saving your friend." I averted my eyes; there was something almost scary in how deep her eyes seemed to go. She seems so sure that I'll succeed, but what can I do ?

"Yukari... she won't listen to me. She hasn't listened to anything I've said so far, so why would she, now ? Besides, she'll insist that Merry is necessary to her plans, that she needs her for Gensokyo and everything else she's been feeding her in her dreams so far..."

"Maybe you're right. Maybe Yukari won't listen to you." She paused, pretending to ponder something with a sly little smile on the corner of her lips. "If you get to the point where she starts to insist that Maribel is necessary, though, that already means she's listening to you. If you can get that far, tell her I've got it covered. That I have a plan that will make everyone satisfied. And if you're worried that Yukari won't listen to you even far enough for that, well... Maybe it isn't Yukari you should be focusing on ?"

A plan ? The way she said it was ominous, but what she had said afterwards made me even more perplexed. Not Yukari ? The whole point of this is to convince Yukari ! Why on earth would-

Oh. Merry.

Yuyuko nodded, before continuing. "There's something you need to tell Maribel, isn't there ? Something that's been a regret of your own, and yet that you haven't been able to find the courage to say. That's the key to all this. If anything has the power to break the seal Yukari placed on her own feelings, it'll be that. You know exactly what I'm talking about, don't you ?"

I did. Of course I do. Haven't I been worrying about that this whole time ? Worrying that I won't get the chance to tell her, and yet always pushing it off until later ? And how, after I saw her vanish into the void with yukari, I thought that it was over, that I had lost my last chance to tell her ? Even after that, even after being told I'll have one final chance to tell her... can ?

I felt my knees go weak as I started breathing heavily. As I fell to the floor, I covered my eyes with my hands.

Even after everything I've seen here, this is what I'm most afraid of. Rejection. Rejection by the person who means everything to me. I can't do it. Even if she disappears, I could live on in the realm of maybes, lying to myself, saying that maybe if I had told her, she'd reciprocate my feelings. If I tell her and she rejects me though, it's over. No room for doubt. No room for the doubt that I've been living in for the last few years. It's all or nothing, and I don't think I can handle becoming nothing.

...

Yuyuko and Youmu, after I had fallen to the floor, had started whispering to each other. I looked up at them, just as they nodded to each other. Youmu then approached me, drawing her sword; Yuyuko then started to explain their plan.

"Youmu has two swords. The one she has drawn now, Hakurouken, is special. You see, Renko, your heart is full of confusion and doubt : you know what must be done, and yet your mind is clouded over by that doubt. I assure you, you have nothing to worry about regarding your friend's feeling, and yet I realise that, no matter how much I tell you that, your confusion will still get the best of you. That's where the sword comes into play." Youmu held it in front of me, so that I could get a proper look at it. It was a lot shorter than her other sword, but looked just as sharp. I gulped.

"You see, Hakurouken has the power to dispel the confusion in people's hearts. If you accept our offer to use it on you, then you'll easily be able to find the courage in your heart to do what must be done."

I was nervous : did I really want to agree to having a sword run through me again ? Granted, it didn't hurt much the first time, but... But this is what I need. I just need the courage to tell her. If this will help me with that, then so be it. I nodded.

"I accept." In a much less certain tone, I then added, "It won't hurt too much, will it...?"

"No. Well, not too much," Yuyuko said with a little laugh.

Youmu looked at me and nodded, then asked me to stand up. My heart was beating fast, but I obeyed her. She then bent her knees slightly, taking an offensive stance, and, before I even saw her move, she had dashed behind me, driving the sword through me and out the other side in one fluid motion. I didn't feel anything for a second as I stood there, slightly bewildered, and then the feeling caught up with me : it wasn't quite pain, definitely not what I should have felt after being cut in half with a sword, but more like a flash of discomfort, like a throbbing backache or headache in the pit of my stomach. It faded as quickly as it had come, and as I checked, I saw that it had left no trace on my skin.

Youmu bowed briefly, as Yuyuko clapped her hands. "You did it, Renko ! Can't you feel the courage just flowing through you ?"

I...suppose I did. As the sword went through me, I did feel a weight being lifted... Yes, that was definitely my doubts, wasn't it ? With them gone, I'm sure I can tell her ! Yes, it must have worked, because I feel like I can tell her anything now ! Youmu, who had returned to Yuyuko's side, was sharing a knowing grin with her mistress; they quickly wiped it off their faces when they noticed I was looking at them. Yuyuko cleared her throat before speaking.

"Everything is up to you now, Renko. Have faith in yourself. Faith is all you need to succeed here."

Without waiting for my reply, she took a step forwards, and ran her index and middle finger over both my eyes. I blacked out instantly.

...

"Good luck," I heard as a whisper, coming from everywhere around me. "Our plan is simple. Go reclaim your life with her. Life it to the fullest. On death's door, I will be there for her. I will take her back to Yukari. Until then, live."