Chapter NINE – The Blind Leading the Blind
"Hello," smiled EJ at the young girl behind the reception desk, "I believe you have an appointment at eleven for John Black."
"Oh yes Mr Black," she smiled back.
"I'm Mr Black," John noted stoically who was standing beside EJ before giving him a curious look, "Unless it's one of those times where you want me to lie about who I am of course. You remember nephew, like that time you got me to lie to the police after that bar brawl you started."
EJ wrinkled his nose at John's lack of guile as the receptionist looked at EJ a little warily at that piece of information.
"You know there are times when I think you do this on purpose," said EJ flatly, very aware of the receptionist who was avidly listening to their every word.
"Do what?" asked John expressionlessly.
"Volunteer indelicate pieces of information at the most inopportune times," said EJ, unimpressed.
"You mean tell the truth?" asked John calmly, holding EJ's gaze steadily.
"Not everyone is interested in hearing our truth's Uncle John," said EJ in exasperation.
"I don't know about that," shrugged John and nodded at the young girl, "Sally there looks pretty interested."
EJ looked down at the girl and realised John had read her name from her name badge and that she was indeed looking rather intrigued by it all.
"Go and sit down please Uncle," said EJ dourly.
"You're always telling me what to do," grumbled John, "Sit there, take that out of your mouth, monkey's weren't meant to fly, don't lick that. I'm over it."
"Well if you'd stop doing all of those things I wouldn't have to be quick such a hard task master," said EJ in exasperation, "You know I get no pleasure from it either Uncle."
"For something you don't enjoy you seem to do an awful lot of it," noted John sceptically.
"That's because keeping you out of harm's way or harming anyone else is a full time job," said EJ with a roll of his eyes.
Out of the corner of his eye he saw the suddenly worried look on Sally's face as she heard that.
"Don't worry," he said with a reassuringly charming smile, "He's perfectly harmless."
"No I'm not," said John in his typically expressionless fashion.
"Please Uncle John," said EJ, keeping the smile determinedly on his face for the young woman's benefit.
"Well I'm not," said John, sounding a little affronted, "And I'll prove it."
He looked at Sally then.
"Do you have a straw on you Sally?"
"Enough already with the straws!" exclaimed EJ in exasperation.
"Fine," sniffed John and then addressed Sally again, "In that case do you have a stamp?"
EJ's mind boggled as he tried to imagine what kind of harm John could inflict on someone with a stamp and then decided it was probably best that he didn't work that one out. It was bad enough that he knew what he did with the straw.
"Preferably a fifty cents one," said John knowingly to a now bemused looking Sally, "I have to work harder with the forty cents stamps."
"Go and sit down please Uncle!"
"You're doing it again," said John stoically but did as EJ asked anyway.
"He's not normally like this," said EJ apologetically to the girl, lying through his teeth to reassure her.
"Mr Cole won't be long," she said a little hesitantly, trying to return EJ's smile and not quite managing it.
"Thank you Sally," said EJ sincerely, "And I promise you that he won't be any more trouble."
"Okay," she said brightly but EJ could see she was still struggling to know what to make of the two of them.
He knew how she felt.
EJ walked back over to John who was sitting on one of the waiting chairs, cradling a model of a large eyeball in his lap. It was one of those kinds used for teaching anatomy and pieces came off it to reveal details inside. EJ looked down at the eyeball and then back at John who had a perfectly placid expression on his face.
"What are you doing with that thing?" asked EJ with a heavy sigh.
"The sign said I could have it," said John, nodding at a sign on a nearby table which read 'Please help yourself'.
"They mean the bowl of lollies Uncle John," said EJ wondering if he really did have the strength to see this through as John seemed determined to be more difficult than usual, "Not the eyeball!"
"That isn't what the sign says," said John unrepentantly, "And anyway I don't see any bowl of dollies so I don't know what you are talking about Elvis."
"Lollies Uncle, not dollies," said EJ, looking to the heavens for strength, "You know, candy!"
"I don't like it when you don't use English around me," said John, narrowing his eyes at him, "It's very rude of you."
"Lollies is an English word," ground out EJ, his patience wearing thin by this point, "And I don't think your hearing has recovered properly from that explosion. You seem to mishear a lot of things."
"That's because you mumble and rarely make sense," said John coolly.
"I don't mumble and I always make sense," said EJ in aggravation, "Maybe we should get your ears checked next?"
"What's your fascination with my orifices?" asked John, arching a suspicious eyebrow at him.
"I am not fascinated with your orifices!" exclaimed EJ, forgetting himself briefly.
Sally's head snapped up from where she was sitting behind the reception desk at EJ's unintentionally loud statement. EJ gave her a weak smile, unsure of how to salvage the situation without making things worse.
"Well I'm not," he said a little defensively.
"I think someone doth protest too much," said John knowingly.
EJ sat down then, feeling his head begin to spin at this particularly trying conversation and not having any clue of how to get out of it. Fortunately his cell phone rang then and he gratefully answered it.
"Hey you."
"Samantha!" said EJ delightedly, feeling himself instantly calming down at the sound of her voice, "Darling I miss you so much!"
"You only saw me half an hour ago," she said in amusement, "Is it going that bad with John?"
"Let's just say it's going how I expected," said EJ wryly and then as an aside to John, "Uncle John, put that eyeball back on the table – now!"
"I'm not even going to ask what that means," said Sami and he could hear her holding back her laughter.
"Probably for the best," agreed EJ seriously as he managed to wrestle the eyeball from John with one hand, resulting in him glaring at him in annoyance.
"You are so lucky Sally didn't have any straws," he told EJ ominously at being denied the eyeball.
"Wow," said Sami and now she was beginning to laugh, "You do sound like you're having fun EJ!"
"I think I'm going to need a lot of TLC after this experience," said EJ, trying to sound forlorn and elicit some sympathy from Sami.
"Hm," she said playfully, "I guess I might be able to help you out with that. Maybe when you get home I can work out some of that tension for you?"
"That sounds wonderful Samantha," said EJ, an impish grin coming to his lips, "I can't wait to be putty in your hands."
"As long as not all of you is putty," she said cheekily, "I'm rather hoping bits of you will still be hard. In fact I'm counting on it."
"Hey, what did I say about you saying those kinds of things when I'm in earshot!"
EJ could hear Eric's complaining voice in the background and had to laugh.
"I'll finish that thought when I get you alone," Sami promised him throatily.
"I can't wait," EJ grinned, feeling his stomach turn over in nervous excitement at the thought of being alone with Sami again.
"Eric and I are about to start apartment hunting," Sami told him, "I'll see you at home later?"
"Count on it," said EJ huskily, "I love you."
"I love you too," said Sami and he could hear the smile in her voice as they said their goodbyes.
"I'm bored," John announced.
"I'm sure the optometrist won't be long," said EJ, his patience renewed after having spoken to Sami.
She just made everything right in his world, even insane kleptomaniac uncles with a propensity for blurting out family secrets at the drop of a hat. EJ settled back in his seat, relieved now the coveted eyeball was safe from John's clutches and began to relax, figuring there wasn't too much more havoc he could wreck just sitting there. EJ reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a book he'd intended on reading while John was in having his check up.
"Is that one of mine?" asked John, looking at it with interest.
"No," said EJ wryly, "I try not to be seen reading books of women with heaving bosoms and bare chested men on the cover."
"For a guy who likes to do the nasty on my pool table on a regular basis you sure seem bashful about the strangest things," noted John casually.
"I just like a little more substance to my stories," said EJ dryly.
"What's more substantial than love?" asked John blithely.
EJ pursed his lips, finding that a little difficult to disagree with actually.
"I'll lend it to you after I'm done with it," offered EJ, avoiding the question, "I'm really enjoying it and I think you will as well. It's a real page turner."
"I know how a book works Nephew," he huffed, "I'm not an idiot and I'll thank you to keep your smart ass comments to yourself."
EJ looked at John in exasperation at that comment. Sometimes John could be so relentlessly literal about things.
"Mr Black?"
"Aha," answered John and EJ gave a silent prayer of thanks for the reprieve.
"I'm Jason," the man said, holding out his hand for John to shake, "I'll be doing your eye examine today."
"Hello Jason," said John, shaking his offered hand, "Settle a dispute between my nephew and I... the eyeball... can I keep it?"
"Ah," Jason looked a little taken aback by the question, looking between the two men uncertainly, "I'm sorry but no, not really."
"You might want to consider making your signage a little less open ended then," said John, looking miffed.
"Well sure," said Jason hesitantly, looking at the sign for the candy, "I suppose that is a little confusing."
"Damn straight," said John emphatically.
"Right," said Jason slowly, clearly a little uncertain what to make of that so he moved on, "So why don't you come with me but while I have you here I'll do a quick check."
Jason turned and pointed behind him at the wall.
"So can you read the eye chart for me?" asked Jason, smiling pleasantly at John and indicating the large board with progressively smaller letters on it.
John just stood there, looking at the board and not speaking.
"Aloud Uncle John," EJ sighed as he realised what his uncle was doing, "You have to read the letters aloud."
"Okay," said John expressionlessly as Jason was now looking at him a bit askew, "Jix asti fumpo reb."
John stopped then and tilted his head to one side as he thought about what he'd just said.
"So what is that?" mused John thoughtfully, "Swahili?"
Jason didn't seem to know what to say to that, looking between EJ and John in a bewildered fashion.
"Perhaps I should come in with you Uncle," said EJ with a sigh, sensing Jason might be a little out of his depth somehow.
"No need," said John confidently, "Jason and I will be fine."
"Okay," said EJ and then gave John a warning look, "Just try and behave yourself will you?"
"Oh," said Jason, looking very nervous now.
"It's alright," said EJ quickly, "Really."
Jason didn't look overly convinced but nodded anyway and he and John walked out to the back room to begin the eye exam properly. EJ went and sat back down but had barely read the first page of his book before there was a blood curdling scream that startled the other people waiting for their appointments. EJ sighed heavily and put his hand to his face, shaking his head in resignation. He stood up then and walked over to where Sally was looking uncertainly at the door John and Jason had gone through. EJ smiled at her politely and reached into his coat pocket.
"My business card," said EJ calmly, "I'm Mr Black's attorney. Just get your lawyer to ring me."
"Does this happen a lot?" asked Sally hesitantly, taking his card.
"It depends on your definition of a lot," said EJ straight faced, wondering if Sami was having a better day then he was, "But yes Sally, yes it does."
