Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or its characters. They belong to Stephanie Meyer.
Chapter 9
EPOV
Why did I exist? Why did Carlisle save me and didn't release me into deaths grip? What was the purpose to walk earth? These were questions that I asked myself everyday before I met Bella. My purpose was to love and protect her, which I failed, and with every failure there was a price to pay. I had to leave her.
I couldn't live without her and it killed me every single day. I sat in my room, listening to Claire De Lune, as I remembered the day I lost the reason of my existence; my heart; my soul (if I had one). The day that everything went black.
-*-*-*-*-*-
After the incident with Jasper, I took Bella home and while she rested I had made my decision to take myself out of her life. I softly kissed her on the lips and she stirred as our lips parted. She sighed in contempt.
"Edward, I love you," my angel murmured in her sleep
Why? Why did she love? How could I find the strength to leave my life, my love, my soul?
As she spoke my heart broke beyond repair. How could I leave my home? People used to say that home was where the heart was and since my heart was here with my angel, I felt like I was home once again.
Today's event proved that it was too dangerous for her to be a part of my world. She would possibly be killed or turned; a fate that I would not allow to fall upon such an amazing creature. I must not fail her again. This I do now is for her protection and just maybe she will forget me and live the life she is meant to have.
I got up and made my way home, but not before I took one last look of my sleeping beauty. I couldn't resist placing one last kiss on those perfect lips, knowing that they would never be mine again.
I jumped out the window into the forest away from my home and into the lions' den. It wouldn't be easy. I knew that they truly love Bella; everyone apart from one. My family would do as I asked if they do truly love her. I ran home and slowed down as I made my way to the porch. I stood in front of the front door, took an unnecessary breath and exhaled.
'Here goes for nothing' I thought to myself.
Everyone was waiting for me.
"I'm sorry Edward" Jasper said as I walked in the door. I could not meet his gaze.
"It nothing Jasper, let it go" I told him. My voice held no emotion. It was already dead like I was.
"You can't do this" Alice hissed at me, since she already knew my decision. But how could I not do this? She needed protection and safety.
"We have to and we will leave. I am not debating this with you Alice" I seethed.
I heard everyone gasp apart from Rosalie. Apparently Alice hadn't informed them of my decision. She left that part for me.
"We are leaving," I said with a final tone in my voice but Alice had other ideas.
"Do you think she will just let you go? She loves you Edward, more than you love her" she cried. I didn't think that was possible. There was no way she could love me as deeply as I loved her. No human could comprehend the life altering changes we experienced once we found our true mate. I couldn't say 'soul mate' because as vampires we didn't have one.
"Not possible! Even if that's true, I will not allow her anymore harm" I replied.
She bolted in front of me and started yelling. "Harm? And what do you think you are doing to her? YOU ARE HARMING HER BY LEAVING HER. She'll fight you on this, I've already seen it. She won't give up easily," she said and replayed the vision she had of me and Bella in the forest. She was right. Bella grabbed hold of me with all her strength and would not let go. By the time she finished with her vision, Alice was dry sobbing. Her thoughts alone were enough to be my undoing.
You're going to kill her!! She cannot survive without you. You are her life line; once you cut the line you may as well start digging her grave… she thought
"It doesn't matter, it has to be done and you are not allowed to look into her future. We've done enough damage," I said as I tried to erase the images of Bella lying in a coffin, pale with no heartbeat.
"When are we leaving?" Carlisle asked. The pain was evident in his eyes.
"You will leave tomorrow and I will follow in two days" I stated in an emotionless tone.
"Are you sure this is what you want son? Isn't there another way?" Esme asked. Her voice was so soft and caring.
"Esme, we have to. It's getting too dangerous for her. I wouldn't live with myself if something ever happened to her. It would be my fault if I wasn't there to protect her, especially if I'm the one constantly putting her in danger. She deserves a life without fear; fear that she won't make it" I answered
Rosalie got up from the couch and started walking. "We're leaving this god awful place and that's all I needed to hear," she said and rushed upstairs to start packing.
"I don't agree with what you are doing. My little sister deserves the life that she wants and not what you think is best for her. You know she wants to be like us. Stop being a fucking pussy and give her want she wants already," Emmett said. I looked at him dumbfounded. Did he just really say that? Before I could answer he was gone.
"Edward, don't underestimate Bella's love for you. I have felt it and I dare to say that she loves you more than you can understand. I know this is my fault. I should be the one to leave and not you" Jasper said. I saw the depth of his words. He was willing to leave away from the family for the sake of my love, but I wouldn't tear the family apart. I couldn't hurt Esme like that.
"No Jasper you are my brother and I will not have you leave," I said as I tried to hold my emotionless state so he couldn't feel my emotions. He looked at me and all I could do was shake my head. I would never turn my back on my family. He turned around and made his way up the stairs at human pace repeating 'I'm so sorry Edward for being a monster'. I sighed and turned to face the rest of my family.
"We support you with whatever you think is best" Carlisle said.
"We understand but give your brothers and sisters sometime to adjust," Esme said.
"Thank you," I said
"I hate you for making me do this. You are underestimating the amount of love she has for you. You will kill her and I hope you know that. You are asking me to turn my back on my sister. I will never forgive you for this. When she dies and it's too late to take your words back only then will you truly understand her pain. You only think about yourself and no one else. YOU SELFISH BASTARD!! " Alice hissed at me. She took off upstairs and I heard her dry sobbing.
I'm sorry Edward. I am to blame for this mess. I hate my weakness. It caused a great deal of pain for our family and especially my wife… Jasper thought.
I sighed, not being able to say anything else.
-*-*-*-*-*-
I destroyed the lives of everyone I ever loved; especially Bella's. I knew that my leaving would devastate her as I knew that I would probably end up being disgusted with myself for causing so much pain to her. But I never thought it would be so easy… I never knew that she would believe me in a heartbeat.
-*-*-*-*-*-
I had just left my Bella in the middle of the forest crying. I knew it wouldn't be so easy to convince her that I didn't love her, but why? Why did she believe my lies? Did she really believe I didn't love her? She was and forever would be the reason I existed. I had left everything I am with her. The most agonizing and heartbreaking cry brought me back to reality. Never in my 90 years had I thought that I would witness such pain. Knowing that I was the cause of all this pain and suffering; I fell on my knees and I let her pain wash over my body. I fell into an ocean of pain and the waves of agony, sorrow and grief assaulted my body. I never knew it would hurt her so much. Her screams reached out to me, seeking desperately for a way to release all the pain. Her cries asked me to stay with her and invite her back into my heart. If only she knew that she would forever hold my heart, mind, body and what she called soul. Her screams continued to get louder and louder; calling me to take everything back I said and make it right. I wanted to run to her; hold her in my arms and never let her go. To give her what she asked for… forever. I wonder if she truly loved me the way I loved her. The love of soul mates was much stronger than true love. I had to find the strength to keep going and get away from her as much as I good. It was my choice after all. I got up and run to my car as her cries faded away. Her cries would haunt me for the rest of my pathetic eternity For once I saw myself for what I was: a monster.
After what felt like forever I got to my car and started driving. I had to get away as fast as possible. I drove in silence thinking about what I had done. I know I did the right thing for her. I didn't deserve the things she wanted to give up for me. It was not only about her soul, but her whole life. Could I really take her humanity away from her because of my selfishness? There was one thing I knew for sure. When she would stop exist I would follow her. I wouldn't exist in a world when she didn't. She reached out to my dead heart like no other did. She made me feel alive again. She gave me more than I deserved. My only repayment was to give her a shot to humanity; find a man who would love her and touch her without fearing of hurting her. She would get married, have kids and grow old surrounded by grandchildren who would worship her.
She was too young to realize how danger my world was for her. Yes I knew that I was her first love that she wouldn't be able to forget me that easily. But how was she able to be so sure about what she wanted? She should live in the real world, gain experiences that she wouldn't be able to have in my world. She just was too stubborn to understand it.
I could get lost on those brown eyes of hers'. I looked into them and felt like if I reached the sky I could reach the stars. She opened up her heart to me and it was heaven. She was the warmth in my cold world. My Bella gave a chance in dreaming. I dreamt of us getting married and spent the rest of her human life making her happy and content. But it wasn't enough for me. I wanted eternity and I had no right. Her soul and innocent should stay intact.
I never wanted to give up on her. I would never exist without her. I would never stop loving her. I wanted to stay with her and be everything she needed and wanted me to be. I wanted to be human. I would keep her in my heart. She was my sunshine after the rain; the light when I lost my way. She was my home.
After of hours of driving I arrived to our new home, went to my room and locked myself in. I waited for the pit of hell to open up, swallow and take me to the only place I belonged. I was nothing more than a soulless demon that was meant to walk this earth alone and with that I fell into the abyss that was now my new prison.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Now here I was, sitting in the corner of my room, dry sobbing as the memory ate me alive. I was too weak to fight the pain; I didn't want to fight the pain. I deserved it. I hadn't hunted in weeks. I kept punishing myself for what happened. No one could reach me as I was far gone in my madness to see or hear anything that wasn't about my Bella.
Before Bella came into my life I just passed my time existing, being part of my family. A family, that each and every one of them had their mates who loved then and fulfilled their existence. I felt like I was just playing my part, knowing that I would never find what they had. I never regretted staying with them. They have been all I've known in this life but it never truly felt like home; until I found Bella She had become my home. My family tried to help by keeping their distance, but, every once in a while they would not leave me alone; like now.
"Edward, every one is going hunting and that means you too," Alice said as she burst in my room with Jasper following her.
"I am not going anywhere. Can you please just leave me the fuck alone?" I yelled back at her.
"Edward, I understand you are in pain but I will not tolerate disrespecting my wife like this. You made your decision many years ago. Now deal with it!" Jasper said firmly.
"I know it was," I said and I felt a calming running through my body.
"Please, I know it's been a long time but it is time for you to start healing yourself. The family needs to heal but as long as you continue to giving into your pain, you hurt everyone around you. The family has not been the same since you left Bella and it never will be!" Jasper said.
I looked away because deep down I knew he was right. I knew it was time for me to start becoming a part of this family once again. I had to until the day I welcomed death once my Bella left this world.
"You'll never understand Jasper. You have your mate" I stated matter-of-factly.
"Damn straight I do! I would give her the world if she asked and much, much more. She would give me the same. A true mate is your equal. You just don't walk out on your mate when something happens! You stay and fight you asshole! You gave up on Bella because you were a coward and as far as I can see you never fucking stopped. Bella loved you so much. I felt it emanating from her every time she was near you. You chose to leave for selfish reasons. You walked away from your mate and left her for dead. You destroyed everything and you took us with you!" he yelled.
"I rather face death a million times over and over again to save her soul," I growled as I was getting up and on my feet. At some point the rest of the family entered my room. "We are soulless monsters of the worst kind. We are damned by this unnatural life. I did not choose this. I can not damn one of Gods' most precious angels to an eternity in hell," I seethed to all of them.
"Speak for yourself, you moron" Rosalie said and glared at me.
"Get the fuck out of my room. All of you!"
"It's a good thing you left Bella before you showed your true colors" Emmett said. I lowered myself into a crouch and was about to pounce on him. Esme and Carlisle would be more upset if I started fighting with my brothers and sisters.
"Don't you fucking dare, Edward! We've had enough of your shit! You will never be able to take back everything you've to my little sister. You are right. She was too good for a sorry son of a bitch like you!"
"Fuck you Emmett!" I said and I jumped out of my window.
I need to calm down and so did they. So I did what I do best… I run.
3months later (present day)
We were waiting for Jasper to come back from New York. It was Christmas time. Esme was in the living room setting up season decorations while the rest of us helped. Carlisle was at the hospital but we were expecting him to arrive home soon.
"Mom, where do you want me to put the tree?" Emmett asked.
"In the east side of the foyer" she said smiling.
"Alice, what time will Jazz be here? I really need to hunt," Emmett asked.
I knew he wasn't thirsty he just wanted to harass the bears while they hibernated. There is nothing like an irritated grizzle bear.
"Soon," Alice answered as she danced around the tree streaming up the lights.
After our big fight three months ago, I tried to be part of the family. It was not their fault. I made the biggest mistake of my existence. They were all very supportive; some more than the others. While mainly Rosalie she didn't care either way. I made myself see things from everyone's prospective and knew I was the screw up.
"Jasper's here" Alice sang and danced to the front door.
"Finally! I've been stuck in this house for far too long" Emmett said. "Let's get out hunt, run and try and have some fun."
I sighed. 'You have to be strong become part of the family again. They need you' I told myself.
"Let's go. Let's go!" Alice was rushing us out of the house. I started to wonder why?
I tried to listen to her thoughts but she was reciting the American Constitution in Russian. She was hiding something. I'm pretty sure it had to do with the holidays.
"Go on kids. Have some fun" Esme said from the fireplace as she was pinning the stockings. Even though we were vampires we continued to follow traditions. I think we followed them more then humans themselves.
"Bye Mom," we all said in unison and run out of the house in vampire speed.
We took off into the forest looking for the big game. We all went in separate ways. I took off into the mountains looking for my favorite mountain lion. I found one that was in hunting mode. He was crouched, hiding in the tall grass. He was hunting but didn't know he was being hunted. The hunter became a prey. Faster then lighting stroke my teeth sunk into the neck of my prey. I sucked out every last ounce of blood. When I was done I buried the dead animal like I always do.
After I satiated my thirst I sat on the snowy ground and waited for the others to finish their hunt. I felt so guilty for dragging my family in my misery. Alice had been very supportive after the fight we had. She tried to distract me as often as possible, either with chess or questioning me about music.
Edward, come on lets play! Alice thought.
"Do I really have to?" I asked knowing than she would have it her way.
Don't be like that. We want to have fun, she thought back
"If you don't come willingly, I will come and get you" Emmett threatened me playfully.
"Like you could catch me," I said with confidence. I took off running in the opposite direction knowing I had a head start. They wouldn't be able to catch me.
I was running and trying to listen to any pursuit. There was nothing but silence. I was concentrating on listening when I slammed my face first into something hard.
"Gotta ya!" Emmett said. Before I could react, he and Jasper had me pinned to the ground. I tried to get away but it was useless.
"Let me up," I said as I tried to knock them off me.
"Come on Eddie, don't be like that," Emmett said.
"Fine," I had no chance fighting Jasper and Emmett. Alice and Rosalie would love to join in the 'Beat the shit out of Edward' game. Jasper and Emmett let me up.
"Let's play Red Rover" Emmett said with a booming laughter. I rolled my eyes.
"No way!" Rosalie said as she merged through the woods. They gathered in a circle and started trying to of a game. Since they weren't paying any attention, I started backing up.
"Ok, let's play hide and seek," Emmett proposed.
"NO!" Alice screamed since she saw my decision. "Get him!"
I started laughing and took off, running toward the house. As I ran through the forest, I felt the wind on my face. God, I loved running. It made me feel free; it felt like I was flying.
I was fast approaching the house when I stopped dead in my tracks, because I caught a sweet scent of freesia. The only person that held that scent was my Bella. I took a deep breath and I realized that it was mixed with a tint of musk. I couldn't understand. The scent was definitely a vampire's who also had the scent of a human. How could it be possible?
Without thinking I started running toward the house as fast as I could….
A/N:
Thank you all for your patience on this long awaited chapter…. I just hope you enjoyed it as must as I enjoyed writing it…
To the most wonderful unofficial Beta MrsEdwardCullenP… love you
E/N: Hey folks... Just wanted t apologize for keeping you waiting for this update for so long since it was my fault...
Take care
Pen...
