Chapter9. Please don't' leave me.
Burke couldn't move his hands, he was just standing, looking down the table. Cristina was laying down, closing her eyes, bleeding and and maybe dying. He had seen a lot of patient in this O.R table, some of them could be saved, some of them, could be not. Until today, until he saw Cristina in the table, there was no one who made Burke allow to think about anything not involved with the surgery he would do, he had never thought himself hesitating in front of the patient, especially in the O.R, he always had tried to know and have control about all surgery. That was everything in his life, after the shot, after his leaving, only surgery and passion for saving lives could made him alive and wake up in the morning everyday. But this situation had never been considered, even not in his dream. Burke was incapable of doing anything, except for looking down her.
Derek say Burke, he seemed to be out of mind. Derek thought he had to do something, not for Cristina, for Burke. Cristina's b.p was dropping down. If Burke wouldn't do anything to her, she would not make it. Then Burke could not forgive himself about not doing anything for saving her lives. Derek thought Burke had to get through this and first, in this time, he should do something medical for saving her live.
"Burke, we have to save her live. She is on the table and she is dying. She needs some medical thing. We have to do something to her" Derek shouted, grabbing his arms tightly.
"I don''t know what to do, Derek. I can't, I don't know.." He was just standing and looking at Derek's eye.
"Preston, I'm sure that if you are just standing here, looking at the table, not doing anything to her, you can't forgive yourself after she dies. She is our patient. We are her doctors." Derek said, calmly and quietly.
Burke saw Derek's face. He was right. He had to do something to her. That was his duty, not as a doctor, as a person who shared soul and heart once. Then, her monitor started beeping again.
"Should I page another cardio surgeon?" A scrub nurse asked to Derek.
Derek looked at Burke's face. And answered the nurse "I think we are fine."
Burke came back to a surgeon. He looked down the table again. Her status was really bad.
Burke feared he wouldn't make her live. Burke told himself.
'Don't be weak. I can do. I can do…'
He tried to not look at her face and focus on his moving and surgery. He stepped on to her a little more and checked out her. Then he asked a nurse
"10th blade"
He could feel the blade in his hand. He had never thought this scalpel was heavy like this. He prayed this little and cold metal for him making her live, desperately. And he told the scalpel if the scalpel he was holding would not help him save her, he never would touch that. He did his best to try to take a deep breath, stay cool and not to fall his tears down.
Derek stayed in the O.R with a few nurses behind Burke. He was quiet and very careful but Derek could see Burke's scrub top was getting wet with his sweat and his neck was all of a sweat. Derek couldn't imagine how he felt like this moment. A few minutes ago, Cristina's monitor beeped all of sudden, and scrub nurses and Burke had to resuscitate her in a hurry. This resuscitation was second thing after her surgery had started. All people in this O.R were very nervous because her status was really bad and she seemed to not make it. So they had to concentrate on her if something had happen, they really quickly would take actions for saving her life. Every person was looking at Burke and the patient who made the best doctor in this hospital nervous and sweat.
After a few minutes of quiet moments, her monitor started beeping. Derek thought this beep was the loudest beep he had heard since becoming a doctor. It seemed to tell something bad was gonna happen in any minute. Burke was also embarrassed with this sound. He didn't finish the stitch and it took maybe an half hour to finish up his job, so he had to stop for a short moment for resuscitating her.
Burke had to use the paddle for making her heart start. 200joules, 300joules, last 360joules.
Her heart didn't respond. She was dying, slowly. Burke didn't let her go. He was afraid of losing her. She should not die like this and she should have life she always wanted to have. She should deserve better than this. This should not be the last meeting for two.
Putting down the paddle, Burke started doing a heart massage to her, desperately. He didn't have no idea how long he did the massage, when he looked at the monitor, a nurse told him.
"No change"
Every one around the table didn't do anything except for himself.
Burke scared. There was nothing to do except doing the massage. He kept.
"No, you have to make it. You can't go like this. No. Try. Breath, Cristina"
He didn't realize he said something. He wiped his eyes. But something kept him from seeing clearly, however, he didn't have time for doing that again, he had to do something for saving her live. Then, he heard Derek calling his name.
"Preston, still no change. I think you have to decide" Derek said hesitatingly.
"Decide what? No, she's gonna wake. " Burke didn't listen to him.
"Preston, her heart was not beating for at least ten minutes." Derek said.
Derek knew he was very harsh to Burke, but he couldn't see Preston doing anymore, her desperate face and acts. Medically, there was no chance she'll make it. She was dead. Derek had to say that for Burke.
"No, No, she is gonna wake up" Burke said and kept doing, pretending to not listen to Derek.
Derek came to Preston and grabbed his arms, looking at him. When Derek saw Burke's eye, he had to step away from him. Burke's eye seemed to tell him to get away. Derek thought about what he's gonna do, in Burke's shoes. Then, Derek let him do and stare at him.
"Wake up, Cristina. Don't do this to me. If you are not wake up, I will never forgive you." Burke said, keeping the massage, without taking eyes off her.
"I have something to tell you. There are so many things to tell you, you know? Wake up. You have to listen to me and hate me. Wake up for me. Open your eyes."
Burke was nearly crying. Staring him made all people sad. His voice was trembling. The surgeon, the most competitive, the most heartless, was shouting and crying in front of them, in O.R. No one dared to get him off from the patient. They were just looking at each other.
Then, another beep started. Her monitor showed some rhythms.
"Her b.p is going up" A nurse told Burke.
Derek saw Burke's face all of a sweat. He seemed to be a little relieved now. After looking at the monitor, he started his job on her again. All people in the O.R were incredibly quiet.
About one hour later, Meredith could see some people coming out of Cristina's O.R. It was Derek.
Meredith ran to him and started asking.
"How is she? Why did it take so long?" Meredith asked.
"There was some problems. Mmmm, her surgery was well done but we can't assure she is gonna wake in any time. Medically, there is nothing we can do more. Soon, she is going to move in the ICU. " Derek said.
Her friends were all speechless. Meredith couldn't believe this situation. Meredith might lose her, she just met Cristina in six years and barely talked to her about herself and Cristina. There were so many things she would talk to her about everything, every crappy her life, every detail, which they couldn't share in six years. This shouldn't the last. But she couldn't think anything which would help Cristina. So she sank into a chair, and felt some tears running down her face.
