37.20.4315…still later

Okay, let me try this again.

That panic earlier? That wasn't remotely dignified. I'm more embarrassed now by that reaction than anything else. I'm tempted to go back in this journal and delete the last entry, but since I swore to myself to be honest here, it would be altering the truth. Was I overdramatic and overwrought and maybe a bit silly? Absolutely. But that WAS how I was feeling at the time.

What's changed? Nothing, really, I guess. I've just had time to calm down, to detach a little and look at this ridiculous situation from a different perspective. After all, I've already admitted that I like Han. No, I'm infatuated with Han, and probably have been from the day we met. And he's made no effort to hide his own opinions about me, for better or worse. I know he must feel something similar — he wouldn't have done such brave and selfless things over the years if he didn't care about me. He's also been nothing if not consistent in his attempts to seduce me. Sometimes I'm sure he does it just because he loves to get me flustered — which, by the way, can drive me nuttier than a Life Day spice cake! But most of the time I think he means it, and maybe that's part of why I do get so flustered.

Why do I think that? Because when he flirts with the other women around Base or while we're out on Alliance business, it all just seems part of the game, part of his bravado, all bluster but no action. Well, at least no action in front of me. I'm not naïve — a man who looks that good and possesses that sort of self-confidence can probably pick and choose, and no doubt has on many occasions. But if he's done so since I've known him, he's been discreet.

Anyway, when he flirts with me… Maybe it's just my overactive imagination, but I think he means it. Of course, I might just be falling prey to those same tricks that justify his confidence in his own sexual prowess. I'm not sure which worries me more — that he's only leading me on with the goal of adding another conquest to his list, or that all this is very real yet doomed because of our divergent fates. Each scenario would hurt me, but I'm afraid it might be too late to avoid that. Now it seems more a matter of seeing how things play out…or just taking matters into my own hands.

Oh, you've come a long way, Leia Organa! No more self-delusions. No more denials of the obvious. You're in love with a smuggler. Wouldn't Bail be proud?

Actually, now that I think about it, I wonder what Rieekan will think when he finds out about…well, I don't know what THIS is. It's not exactly a relationship, at least not in any traditional sense. I don't even think this would qualify as a romance — not by any standards any rational woman would use. Dalliance? Indiscretion? Affair? It technically isn't any of those, at least not yet.

Therein lays the other dilemma. We're only four days into this sub-light trip before reaching civilization, and neither of us is very good at remaining idle, not once we know what we want. Maybe what happened this evening was, among other things, the next logical step?

No, "logical" implies there's common sense involved. The inevitable next step?

I think that's where we are now — we're taking these little steps, not sure how the other will react, worried of looking the fool, ready to back away and run if we're wrong, but driven to keep trying anyway. Why it's taken this long to get even this far is beyond me.

What's the next step? I'll admit I'm a little afraid to find out.

Am I angry about what happened in the hold tonight? No, not really. I think I was more upset that it felt like some elaborate set-up, as if he needed to trick me into it. I mean, maybe I'd like to be in on the planning, rather than just being the prize?

When I worked up the courage to go back to the hold to eat with the boys a little while ago, Han kept giving me such an intense look that meant either he was worried he'd finally pushed me too far, or that he wanted nothing more than to give me a boost back UP as well, if you get my meaning… I'm pretty sure it was the latter because every time I met his eyes across the table, I thought I might spontaneously combust.

Chewie wanted to talk about his recent cultural observations during our last mission to Mindota, but all I could think about was how magnificent it had felt to have Han's hands run along my bare back, his lips moving against mine. How it felt to wrap my legs around him, something I've definitely never done before…

I can close my eyes and bring all those sensations back with such vividness that it leaves me shaking, the impulse to wrap around him again as much an emotional desire as instinct now.

I don't know how to deal with all this. How can one ever be sure that these feelings are mutual? There's no indelible stamp on his forehead to tell me, "I mean it." There SHOULD be — it would make my life a lot easier. But there isn't and I don't know how to tame this doubt, other than to cast it all aside and trust that he's sincere.

Even if Han's intentions are good, I still have trouble picturing a happy ending. But at least I'm willing to admit now that if I could see a future for us, together, I'd gladly jump into whatever this is with both feet. I think it could be very good.

Poor Chewie. I can't decide if he's oblivious to what's happening or if he's desperate to keep from being caught in the middle. But I wouldn't be surprised if a few hairs were singed tonight.