9. Tarnishing

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings." — Anaïs Nin


On the journey back to Konoha, Shikamaru and Temari were accompanied by Kankuro, three ANBU, and the Kazekage himself. Gaara hadn't planned on visiting the other village, but he decided seeing the damage and the rebuilding process for himself would help with their future as allies. Shikamaru believed Gaara's change of heart had something to do with Naruto, but he wasn't brave enough to share his thoughts aloud. Needless to say, the journey from Sunagakure was a lot easier than the journey to Sunagakure. Their group encountered no enemy shinobi, though they passed by a large caravan heading in the opposite direction. They were most likely refugees, ordinary citizens looking for a better place to call home. Konoha's rebuilding schedule stretched across years, and the housing projects that had been erected were aimed at shinobi and the most important of citizens, the ones with the most to offer the village. Shikamaru found the whole process tedious and preferred to lose himself in hard labor rather than try to get down to the politics; in other words, he just wasn't interested.

When their mismatched group entered the gates of Konoha, Shikamaru went ahead to announce their arrival, while Temari acted as a guide to show them to temporary housing, most likely an apartment that had been dedicated to visiting officials. When Shikamaru reached the Hokage tower, he noticed the construction that had taken place over his absence. The whole building hadn't been rebuilt, but the first few floors were complete enough for Kakashi to lounge about, reading his Icha Icha.

"Should you really be reading that in public?" After entering the room unannounced, Shikamaru wasted no time poking at the new Hokage. Kakashi peered over the top of his book and then went back to reading.

"Maa," Kakashi dismissed. "It's more for show now," he grinned, his eyes holding all of the mirth his hidden smile must have conveyed. Closing his book, he sat it down on the desk and tried to arrange the growing piles of paper on his desk. "Are you here for another mission?"

Shikamaru sighed, "I came to let you know the Kazekage has come. I had Temari show him to the official housing. I'm assuming it's completed and in order?" He hated to ask, but he felt the need. Without much persuasion, Kakashi nodded. "In that case, all that's left is to deliver the paperwork." He tucked his hands into the pockets of his pants and then turned to leave.

"Is there a reason why Neji asked for another apartment?" Kakashi nabbed his book and reopened it to his flagged page, but his attention remained on the other man. He shouldn't have discussed such a private matter with Shikamaru, but Kakashi was the Hokage and he deemed it within his boundaries to ask such a simple question.

"He asked for what?" Shikamaru didn't bother turning around. He froze, his mouth set in a grim line. Had their disagreement been so bad? Had Shikamaru driven Neji further into Tenten's arms? Why did Neji have to go to the Hokage behind Shikamaru's back? "I wasn't aware," he drawled. "I guess I get my own place then."

"I denied his request," Kakashi answered carefully. "Your arrangement is as much for your own convenience as it is for the convenience of the village. We don't have the space right now."

"He must have been pissed," Shikamaru smirked.

"He wasn't happy when he left, no," Kakashi chuckled. "We're in a time when we need to maintain relationships. Whatever happened, I'm sure you can fix it. Now please get out of my office. I'm avoiding this paperwork."

Shikamaru turned around to look at Kakashi, but the man had disappeared, the window left ajar. When he opened the door to leave, Shikamaru ran into Temari. She had no scrolls on her, so she must have handed them off to one of the assistants or left them with Suna ANBU. He didn't know what to say to her, and she didn't seem to know what to say to him. They stood there for a few awkward moments, until he ushered her away so he could close the door to the Hokage's office.

"Where's the Kazekage?" Shikamaru didn't really need to know, but he said the first thing that came to mind. Temari grinned and motioned over her shoulder. "Let me guess, he went to find Naruto," Shikamaru smirked.

"He's easy to read when it comes to Naruto," Temari admitted. "When do you think they'll notice?"

"Never," Shikamaru snorted.

"If they take too long and that Hyuga girl wins Naruto's heart, I'm beating the both of them," Temari said, a determined look on her face. Shikamaru placed his hands on her waist and pressed a kiss to her temple.

"Whoa, I didn't know you had it in you." Sasuke stood there, a file full of papers in his hands. "Temari," he greeted. He looked between the two of them, his expression neutral, and then a smile slowly appeared on his lips.

"Neither did I," Tenten said, announcing her own arrival. "Welcome back." She looked so friendly, and the smile on her face seemed genuine, but Shikamaru still frowned at her. Seeing Shikamaru's discomfort, Temari took the initiative to smile and nod at the girl. "Maybe we could go to dinner sometime. The four of us," Tenten offered. She didn't stay much longer, probably because of the thick tension in the air.

"She's with Hyuga, isn't she?" Sasuke frowned, waiting until she was gone to ask the question. When Temari nodded, Sasuke clicked his tongue. "Hn. He can do better." With that, Sasuke took his papers and disappeared into the Hokage's office.

"He's right," Temari agreed.

"Yeah," Shikamaru said, his tone dismissive. "Let's get out of here." He put one hand on the small of her back and the two of them walked out of the tower and back onto the bustling streets. There were other buildings going up, other homes, restaurants, and grocery stores. There were other topics to occupy their minds, ones unrelated to Neji.

"Look who it is!" No sooner had the two of them left the vicinity of the tower, Naruto made an appearance, with Gaara on his right. The two of them looked like total opposites, from their hair color right down to their facial expressions. Naruto wore a big grin, while Gaara's expression screamed indifference. "Nice seeing you, Temari. When did your lazy ass get back, Shikamaru?" Naruto laughed at him and Shikamaru huffed in annoyance, though a smile did appear.

"The same time as the Kazekage," Shikamaru answered. After that simple response, Naruto engaged in conversation with Gaara, and Shikamaru took it upon himself to slip away. Unfortunately, Temari remained behind. He figured she'd find her way back to the apartment, so he went in that direction.

The building still looked brand new, since it'd only been constructed a short time ago, and the materials had been donated from other nations. In fact, the other nations had donated a great deal to the struggling village, not to forget the rest of the country. Starting over had never gone so smoothly. And the transition from Tsunade's reign into Kakashi's temporary reign, as he demanded everyone acknowledge it as temporary, had gone just as smoothly.

But Shikamaru still saw the bodies that had littered the ground. Everyone he turned, he saw utter destruction. He missed his parents. He missed his sensei. He missed the years before the war. As he ascended the stairs toward his apartment, he took out his pack of cigarettes and jammed one between his lips. Before he even reached the apartment, he had his lighter out and ready. Unfortunately, he heard moans coming from the other side of the door. With nowhere to turn, he pressed his back to the door and slid down the length to the floor below. He leaned his head back against the door and lit his cigarette. He watched the swirls of smoke gather and float up toward the ceiling, all while listening to the moans filtering through the walls and the door.

It was hard. It was hard listening to Neji make love to Tenten, but he didn't have the strength to get up and leave. He was a masochist. He was a mess. He didn't know whether he wanted to scream or cry, whether he wanted to confront or deny. That's where Temari found him, in the midst of his dilemma, during a crescendo of moans. She sunk down on the opposite wall and stretched her legs out until their feet brushed.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Her voice was low, much harder to hear over the moaning, but Shikamaru managed.

At first, he shrugged his shoulders, but then he let the cigarette dangle from the corner of his lips, just long enough to mutter a quick reply. "I don't know," he said. And he didn't know. He didn't know what he'd hoped to accomplish by going back to the apartment. Maybe he was a glutton for punishment. Maybe he was an idiot. He'd considered the possibility of slipping back into his life, of sliding right back into his groove and pretending that nothing had changed. It would have been seamless and so simple.

"Look at me and tell me you don't have feelings for him." He didn't know where or when she'd gotten the idea, but it struck him like a blade to the heart. She looked at him with such determination, with such fire, and he couldn't hide behind his cigarette or his smoke. He pinched the end of his cigarette, putting out the offending flame, and he cleared his throat. "Don't lie to me. If you're going to lie to me, then don't bother, Shikamaru."

"Then what's the point?" He didn't mean to say those words, to ask that question, but he went along with his gut and followed the flow of words until the very end. "I have feelings for him. He doesn't have feelings for me. What do you want me to say? It's straightforward." He really wanted his cigarette then, but he refrained. He pulled his knees up to a bent position and rested his forearms atop them. Their feet were no longer brushing, and he hadn't noticed how much he craved that contact.

"Are you running away from your problems or are you genuinely trying to move on?" She seemed to have her questions all in order and the fact that she did made Shikamaru groan in irritation. Despite his annoyance, she forged on. "Are you using me?"

"I'm not using you!" The moaning had stopped and it was just the two of them, just Temari and Shikamaru. Only their conversation mattered. "I wouldn't do that to you," he insisted. "I'm not that type of guy. Damn," he swore, knocking his head lightly against the door. No one answered. More than likely, Tenten and Neji were the ones listening in, the ones suffering through the awkward conversation.

"This isn't healthy," Temari said, her approach reeking of caution and uncertainty. She didn't know the rough terrain, but neither did he; Shikamaru had been stranded in foreign territory, left to die a slow and painful death. Sometimes, late at night, on an insomnia-driven high, he wished he'd been one of the bodies, just another body in a mass grave.

"Yeah," he answered, his whole body suddenly numb, "I know." And he did know. He'd hoped that he could fix his fragile relationship with Neji, their weird give-and-take agreement that neither one of them had planned, but maybe he hadn't been the one to shatter the bond. Maybe there were too many cracks. Maybe they were hemorrhaging.

"Stay with me in Suna," Temari offered. He could tell by looking at her that she was in the same boat. She'd let her gut guide her and followed along with the words as if they were gospel. Maybe she meant to fuel her own selfish desires, but he actually considered her offer. Whatever he had with Neji truly wasn't healthy. The tattered remains of their friendship, of their something more, existed only to suffocate Shikamaru. "At least until you figure out what you want to do."

"That would be running away," he snorted, shaking his head. She responded by shaking her own head. "You'd classify it as moving on? Onto what? I don't know where I'm going with my life anymore. I lost my family. I hardly see my friends. The guy in there," he stopped, motioning toward the apartment, "tried to leave while I was away on a mission. He tried to get another apartment without even telling me. And I'm supposed to grow new roots in Suna?"

"You're supposed to grow new roots with me, you idiot."

He stopped and stared at her, really looked at her, and he saw someone willing to put up with his unresolved issues, with the entire mess he referred to as his life. He stretched his legs out and lightly knocked his feet against hers. He thought that he could handle the desert environment. He thought he could overcome the misplaced emotions. He thought he could start over. And it wasn't that much of a stretch to imagine those things with Temari.


A/N: No, this isn't the end for Shikamaru and Neji! Next chapter, the apartment door opens.