Chapter 9- Faith

~~~

If you had told me six years ago that I would be saving the world, I would have laughed. If you had told me four years ago, I would have hit you. And if you had told me while I sat in jail, I would have killed you. But I did- at least, I helped. And it's the best feeling I've ever had.

Robin was sitting beside me, trying to be manly and not cry. I could tell he was in pain though. I mean, that cut on his stomach would sting like a bitch. And the bruises were no better. It kind of put a stop to my plans for him; there's not much fun in apologizing every time I hit a sore spot. So I'm holding out for a few days.

He's kinda' cute, now that I think of it. Robin's a man, not some try hard little boy thinking he is. He's got a job, he's got talents (some of which I've experienced) and he's got the appearance happening. Not to mention he knows about the Slayer deal, so that's an added bonus. The only thing that has me hesitating is that trust shit again. Could I trust him? Hell, there's no way I could know. There were so many people I thought I could trust, and that all went nowhere. All it got me was pain and hurt, so why should I bother?

But it is bothering me, a whole freaking lot. I want to be able to put my trust in someone, and I want them to be able to rely on me. It's funny now that I think about it. I want someone to think that I'm reliable. Willow is reliable. Giles is reliable. I'm definitely not reliable. I suppose that is just who I am. I can't just change overnight. I don't want to change. I want to grow up, and do things I never got a chance to do. I want to go places, see people, and learn.

"Faith?"

I glance away from the window. Robin iss holding his side, wincing every time he shifts in the seat.

"You trying to make me tie you down?" I joke.

"Thought about it," he replies with a grin, causing a shiver of anticipation to rush down my spine.

"Stop moving. You'll wreck the bandaging."

He touches the bruise on his head, grimacing when he feels the raised lump.

"Gonna be a shiner," I say.

"That's what I was afraid of." He lifts his arm and slings it over the seat. In a moment of need I snuggle closer. He grunts in surprise but does not say anything, and I'm grateful.

"Faith, what is...this?" he asks

.

"Hmmm?" I murmur.

"Is this just a temporary comfort for you? Me, I mean. Is it anything? Is it going anywhere?"

Robin is the first guy to ask me what I think. He's also the first guy I had seen again after spending the night together. This was bad- I was out of control.

"I-I...I don't know," I whisper. And it is true. I don't know. This is new ground for me. Everything is too new for me to know anything. I'm out of jail, and suddenly I'm faced with the possibility of actually having a future. I can be anything and do anything I want to. It is all up to me. Then there was the fact that I was making up for the bad things I'd done. I had done the time- well, most of it- for killing, and I had helped both Angel's crew and the Scoobies in the space of two weeks. The whole god damned thing is too new.

Robin wants to know if there is anything between us. Truthfully, I don't feel much at the moment. There are no real sparks or connections. I can't see myself growing old with him. But I have to start somewhere, and I like Robin. He is a great guy, and maybe if I give it a chance...

Maybe I will have my heart ripped out. Maybe I will have my trust throw away. Maybe I will... Maybe I will be okay.

I don't know, but I can try. It is the best I can offer him. He seems to accept my answer, and I watch him fall asleep before turning back to look out the window. The landscape is boring. A tree there, a rock there, a fucking huge crater in the middle of nowhere. I still can't believe that Sunnydale is gone. I had called Sunnydale a hole all those years ago, but I never knew how right I was. The importance of what we'd just done still hasn't settled in me yet. We've just saved the world. And it feels a lot better being on the winning side for once.

We pass a gas station and a small café on the side of the road, and I find myself watching the other passengers. Buffy is sitting beside Dawn, hugging her little sister. She gets up and sits beside Will, whispering to her. The redhead nod and grabs that mad-looking Slayer weapon from Buffy, walking to the back of the bus looking somewhat nervous. Buffy has let her head roll back onto the back of the seat. Man, I can see the waves of relief coming from her. She is probably grateful that she had actually survived this apocalypse. I still can't believe she has died. Twice. And came back. Twice. She is one hell of a stubborn woman. I suppose that's why I've always wanted to be her, why I looked up to her. She never gave up. I've had my fair share of failings, but I don't think anything I've been through could come anywhere close to the things that girl has experienced.

That's why she's better than I am. I can admit it now. No matter how difficult shit gets, Buffy just gets back up and heads straight into the game again. Me, well, I gave up. I was lonely and I fucked up bad and instead of getting help, I gave up. I switched sides because I didn't think B and her pals would have a chance. But they did, and they won. All because of her. Hell, I don't know how she does it. She died, for Christ's sake, and dealt with being pulled from the place I never believed in. Then she watched one of her friend's die and the other go crazy. She housed a shitload of annoying brats, trained them to be Slayers, kept them alive and then got kicked out of her own house for her efforts. But did strong-headed B throw in the towel? Nope. She entered that psycho's lair and stole the crucial weapon from him, alone, then saved me and a bunch of the ungrateful kids.

She is one hell of a woman.

Xander is staring out the window, and I don't think I've ever seen him this put out. He seems lost, like he doesn't know what has happened, or what was going to happen. I feel a twinge of regret for Anya's death. That blonde was hilarious, I'll give her that. She was amazing. I had been surprised at her openness to strangers, but she was the only other person in that Summer's house- well, except for Spike- not afraid to say what she thought. She just came straight out and said it. No one told her off for doing it, which I guess is because there is only so many times you can say it.

Thinking about Anya makee me think of Spike. I thought Angel is one of a kind, but it seems that souls are the new trend in vampire circles. Who would've thought the Peroxided Wonder had it in him? Dusting himself for a world that's given him nothing, all for the love of a Slayer who didn't love him. Good on him. Wish I had had the same courage, but then again, I wouldn't have gotten where I am today if life was as easy as wishing.

The bus lurches suddenly, and the engine gives a few short puffs then dies. Giles curses loudly from the front of the bus, and I shook my head with a silly grin. Good old Rupes has gone and stalled the bus. I'm about to call out some smart-ass remark when he shouts back that we've run out of gas. B offers to run back to the gas station we just passed and I'm not about to let her go without me. I hate driving, and I hate sitting on my backside doing nothing. She nods when I offer to come, and the two of us start jogging down the dusty road. I see it in the distance, a small smudge on the horizon.

Fifteen minutes later, we arrive at the gas station, dusty and sweaty. B asks a young, dirty boy where she can get more gas. He points to a dingy shed where a small hose is sticking out, and asks for ten bucks. B hands him the money and he hands her a bucket. Great service. It seemed like Buffy was never going to get the break she deserved.

"You finally have the chance to stop slaying and you gotta go get more gas in the middle of nowhere," I tell her. "Doesn't seem fair, huh?"

She smiles, and keeps looking forward. "Who said I would stop slaying?"

I am confused. "Huh? Why wouldn't you? You hate it, and now there's all these little try-hard Slayers running 'bout, you ain't got a reason."

She sighs and stops walking. "I realized something, Faith. If I hated it so much, why would all those girls love it? Sure, some of them would love to have all those powers, but eventually they're gonna end up dead. No girl deserves that. We were chosen to do something that's dangerous, hard and annoying, but we were chosen for a reason." She stopped and knelt to fill the container. "We were chosen because we could do it. If the world needed more people to risk their lives, they wouldn't bother having one girl. Or two. They would have an army. We are here to make sure every other girl who has the potential to become a Slayer doesn't become a Slayer until it's needed. This is what we were born to do, and I know I've fought destiny tooth and nail, but I hate the thought of placing all the shit that comes with it on someone else. I just won't."

We stand silently as I digest the news.

"It's just you and me, Faith, you and me."

I grin and glance down at her, shaking my head. "Nope. It's just you, me, the Scooby Gang, your honey and his friends."

She opens her mouth to reply but suddenly changes her mind and grins back. "You're right. We aren't alone."

"And I bet you can't wait to see Angel again," I tease. She blushes. "But seriously, B? Will's already done the spell. Those girls already are Slayers."

"Not anymore," she replied. "Will took it back. Those girls now know the power inside them. They 're special and they know it."

I am dumbfounded. "Will...took it back?"

She straightens with the overflowing bucket of petrol. "She's the most powerful witch in this hemisphere, and you didn't think she could undo the spell, too? We are talking about the same person here?"

"Yeah, 'kinda geeky, red hair, tried to end the world?"

"That's the one." We laugh.

"You know," I say to her. "You must be the worst and best Slayer to ever be seen."

"Why do you say that?" she asks me.

"Well, you've died twice and won't stay dead. The Council hated you. You've had more than three Watchers. You haven't read the Slayer's hand guide, let alone followed it. But you saved the world seven times. And you changed it."

"No, I didn't." She looks up at the sky. "We all did."

We start walking back to the bus, and again my thoughts turn to the amazing woman beside me. I'm not going to go through the whole thing again though. I've said it once, and I'll say it one more time.

She is one hell of a woman.

Maybe one day, I'll be like her too.PRIVATE "TYPE=PICT;ALT=Unconverted Image"

~~~

Faith looks shocked and I don't blame her. After all the whining and complaining I've done over the years, you'd think I'd be grateful to hand over the mantel. But I can't. There's something inside me that won't let me. Won't let me hand it over to another unsuspecting teenager. I've dealt with apocalypse after apocalypse, death after death, hurt after hurt, and yet, there's something holding me back from giving it all up.

I think, to some degree, that the Slayer has become too intertwined with who I am, that it cannot be separated anymore. I am the Slayer; I can't simply stop what I do, what I am. I realize that I've just condemned myself to a life of pain and heartache, but I know I can do it. I've lived the past seven years in a hell of sorts, and the years to come may be the same, but I want to live. I want to live during the day with my friends and family, maybe find a job, and slay at night. I want to stop apocalypses so the world doesn't get pulled into hell. There are a lot of things I want to do now, actually.

I want to drink coffee in a café in the early afternoon with Will. I want to laugh with Xander. I want to help Dawn choose outfits for a night on the town. I want Giles to find someone he can love. I want Faith to have someone she can trust. I want Andrew to make up for the things he did. I want the potentials to have a normal life.

And I want Angel to love me.