Disclaimer: Nothing and no-one from the Big Bang Theory belongs to me although I wished Sheldon did.

Chapter 9: The Home Run Revelation

Penny was lying in the bathtub when Sheldon tapped on the door in his usual manner, three knocks and three statements of her name.

"Please don't tell me you need me to get out of the tub again so that you can pee."

"I'd drunk two shakes and you'd spent hours in there," Sheldon protested.

"That hasn't answered my question."

"No, I don't need to pee," Sheldon said, speaking through a crack in the door. "I need to talk to you."

Penny dropped her book on to the floor and reached up to tug the shower curtain across so that she was hidden from the neck down. "You can come in now, Sheldon."

"Yes, Mom, she said she can speak to me," Sheldon said into the phone receiver, before berating Penny as he spotted the fogged up mirror. "Don't forget to clean the mirror clear of steam when you've finished in the bath."

"I won't," Penny promised. She had to laugh as Sheldon began talking to his mother again.

"No, Mom, I can't see Penny in the bath. She's hiding behind the shower curtain." Sheldon rolled his eyes. "Mom, for goodness sake, we've only reached third base." He then clapped his hand over the receiver as a screech of dismay and a babble of words came from the other end of the phone line. "Sorry, Penny, I don't know what's gotten in her."

"I do," Penny said. "Give me the phone."

Sheldon handed it over, looking perplexed.

"Hello, Mrs. Cooper." Penny smiled at Sheldon as she listened. "I think Sheldon might be a little confused. We've barely tackled first base, let alone third." She laughed. "Yeah, that's true but you know Sheldon."

"Of course she knows me, I'm her son," Sheldon interrupted.

"Sheldon, be quiet," Penny said, before turning her attention back to the call. "I'd love to visit this Christmas if I'm not working. No, my parents are visiting my brother. Um, no, I won't be going. The, uh, place he lives in is sort of strict about guests."

As Penny talked, Sheldon walked around the bathroom picking up her dirty clothes that lay littered over the bathroom floor and depositing them in the laundry basket, before washing his hands.

As the call ended, Penny handed the phone back. "Sheldon, why did you tell your mother we were at third base?"

"Because we are," Sheldon said confidently. "I've kissed you."

"That's first base, and usually it's with tongue."

"You mean French kissing?"

"So you did read the book I got you."

"Some of it, but I stopped when it got icky," Sheldon admitted.

Penny shook her head in dismay. "How did your mother even for one moment consider that you might actually have reached third base?"

"Perhaps she doesn't know what it means either."

"She's had three kids, Sheldon. I imagine your mother…"

"I don't," Sheldon interrupted.

"Fair enough," Penny said, the thought of her own parents having sex enough to squick her out. "But what about you? How are you ever going to have kids if you won't even read about sex?"

"I was thinking of using a sterile laboratory and a test tube," Sheldon said as he raised an eyebrow. "How did you think I was going to procreate?"

"Gee, I couldn't possibly have guessed."

"Sarcasm?"

"Correct," Penny said, "which is more than I can say about your knowledge of first base."

"Just because I'm not some sort of sex wunderkind…"

"Sheldon, most twelve year olds know what first base is."

"Well, I don't."

"Then it's about time you did," Penny said, pointing to the toilet. "Sit down."

"I'd prefer to stand," Sheldon said, giving their toilet seat cover a look of disgust. "Do you know how many germs…"

"Yes, you've already told me," Penny said quickly before Sheldon could launch into one of his speeches. "Okay, first base is French kissing."

"So I haven't even reached first base?"

"No, Sheldon, do you want to?"

"No, thank you."

"Then shut up and listen." Penny then continued. "Second base would be feeling my breasts and me touching your chest."

"We've been to second base then," Sheldon declared.

"When?" Penny asked.

"You rubbed vapor rub on my chest when I was sick, and I touched your breast on the same day I saw your soup tattoo."

"It doesn't mean soup," Penny said in annoyance as Sheldon brought up the tattoo. "It means courage."

"Not in this universe," Sheldon said. "And…"

"Don't you dare tell me again it takes courage to have a soup tattoo on my ass."

"Well, it does, but that wasn't what I said when I…" Sheldon's voice trailed off at the look Penny was giving him. "I should shut up, shouldn't I?"

"If you don't want me to get out of this tub and kick your butt, then yes."

Sheldon didn't want that, well aware that behind the curtain she was naked. "But I'm right about second base."

"An accidental grope doesn't count."

"But you deliberately rubbed vapor rub into my chest."

"That was because you were sick."

"It didn't mean we didn't get to second base."

Penny gave up. "Okay, we've been to second base."

"What about third?" Sheldon asked.

Penny grinned, aware that what she was about to tell Sheldon would likely upset him. "It has something to do with Sheldon Junior."

Sheldon's hands flew to cover his groin. "I thought that sort of thing was meant to be private."

"That sort of thing is but for me to get to third base with you it would involve Sheldon Junior and my hand."

Sheldon glanced down at his hands. "So for me it would mean that I'd have to touch your… lady parts?"

"Yes," Penny said.

Sheldon actually paled. "I think I'm going to be sick."

Penny was now glad that she hadn't mentioned oral sex as being part of third base in most people's definitions. "Then go into the kitchen and be sick."

"But I don't like being sick."

"Then don't be sick."

"But you've made me feel ill."

"Then think of trains," Penny suggested.

Sheldon's face took on a look of pleasure as his mind latched on to something that wasn't quite as abhorrent to him. "Did I tell you…"

"No, Sheldon, and you know the rules."

"No talking about trains."

"Good boy," Penny said, before she moved onto the final part. "And just so you know, last base is known as a home run, which..."

"I don't want to know," Sheldon said, his stomach lurching over.

"It's nothing bad," Penny assured him. "It's simply having sex or, as you put it, coitus."

"So I'll never make third base or a home run," Sheldon declared.

"You're not even going to try?"

"No, I don't see the point."

Suddenly feeling upset, Penny pointed to the towel rack. "Would you pass me a towel?"

Sheldon handed one over before screaming as Penny began to rise up behind the shower curtain, "You can't get out of the bath with me in here. I'm only your pretend boyfriend."

"Then get out," Penny said, smiling as Sheldon fled. The smile slipped though as she wrapped the towel around her and whispered, "What are you doing telling him about a home run, Penny? Sheldon's never going to want you like that." She then kicked the water in frustration.

Having been about to knock on the door to ask if she would drive him to the comic bookstore once she was dry, Sheldon hesitated with his hand in mid-air, his sharp hearing having caught Penny's words. A frown on his face, his hand fell back to his side and he walked away.


Raj opened up and then read the email addressed to him, before pumping the air. "Yes!"

"I'm trying to work," Sheldon complained.

"I'm too excited to work," Raj said, bouncing up and down on his seat like a child. "Bernadette has agreed to go out to dinner with me."

"She did say she enjoyed her time with you."

"I was worried she would never want to see me again," Raj said, before his face fell. "But if I go out with her, I don't want to get so drunk that I fall over again."

"Perhaps you should try a date without alcohol," Sheldon suggested. "It works just fine for me."

"But you can talk to girls and you've got Penny."

"Who's got me?"

Both men turned around to see Penny standing in the doorway. "Penny, what are you doing here?"

"I thought I'd treat my favorite theoretical physicist to lunch."

"So why are you here?"

"She's talking about you, dude."

"Oh," Sheldon said, before saying more firmly, "Oh!"

"So where do you want to go?"

Sheldon checked his watch. "I always have lunch at one."

"Today you can go at twelve."

"But I always have lunch at one."

Penny blew out her breath. "Then I'll wait until one."

"Shut the door on your way out," Sheldon said, returning to look at his computer screen.

Penny slammed the door, making Sheldon shake his head. "For such a small gal, she sure is loud sometimes."

It was then he noticed that Raj was looking at him, incredulity written all over his face.

"What?"

"How you ever managed to get Penny in the first place, let alone persuaded her to have sex with you, is beyond me."

"We haven't had coitus."

Knowing Penny as well as he did, Raj was shocked. "But it's been three months."

"Penny told you we were taking it slow."

"A snail would have moved faster," Raj said. "Penny is hot. What's wrong with you, dude?"

"Nothing, I just don't see the point in coitus unless it's for a viable reason, such as procreation, and even then it's still debatable when laboratories and test tubes exist."

"Sheldon," Raj said softly, any jokey demeanor vanishing, "you're going to lose Penny if you won't have sex with her."

"Of course I'm not," Sheldon said confidently.

Raj gave Sheldon a pitying look. "Then you're kidding yourself." He checked his watch. "I'm going to lunch."

"But it's not one o'clock."

"I'm going to give you some time alone," Raj said, not wanting Sheldon to ruin what he saw as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

"But I don't need time alone."

"I think you do."

Left alone, Sheldon tried to concentrate on his work but unlike usual he couldn't focus. After what Penny had said the previous day in the shower, and Raj had said that morning, he found himself wondering if Raj was right and he was going to lose Penny, and thus his leverage over Leonard. His concerns were further elevated when Raj returned a short time later with a message that Penny had gone home.


When Sheldon arrived home, Penny was barely speaking to him, although she had gone out and collected their meal, Thai food.

"Raj said I owe you an apology," Sheldon said as he took out his tray of food from the bag that was sitting on the table.

"And what does Sheldon say?"

"That I'm sorry. I should've made an exception."

"Well, you don't need to worry about it in future as I won't be repeating my mistake again."

"You're breaking up with me?"

"Sheldon, we're not even really dating."

"So are you pretend breaking up with me?"

"Would it matter if I was?"

Sheldon now wondered if Raj had been right about Penny and losing her, and so he softly said, "Penny?"

"Yes, Sheldon?"

"Do you miss hitting a home run?"

Although she was taken aback by the out of the blue question, Penny still answered it truthfully. "Yes, Sheldon I do."

"Do you want to go out and hit one?" Sheldon asked, thinking this might be the answer to both of their problems.

"You'd let me go out on a date without you?"

"I certainly wouldn't want to come along."

"You honestly wouldn't have a problem with me going out and having sex with another man?"

"It's not as if we're really dating."

"Then that's what I'll do," Penny said grumpily, getting up and walking off towards her bedroom.

When she returned, Sheldon had cleared away the food and was sitting on the sofa, an open notebook in his hand, which he put down when Penny walked in, dressed up in her shortest dress and highest heels.

"So you're going out then?"

"Unless you can give me a good reason to stay in, I am."

"It's chess night."

"I hate chess, Sheldon."

"Klingon boggle?" Sheldon offered up.

When Penny gave him an exasperated look, he said, "Wii bowling, I know you like that."

Penny knew he would keep listing things if she simply said no, and so instead she got to the point. "Sheldon, if you have a problem with me going out, then just say so."

Sheldon appeared to find the patch of floor under his foot most interesting as he scuffed away at it, saying, "But I'm not supposed to have a problem with it."

It took Penny a moment for Sheldon's response to sink in. "Oh my God, you do, don't you?"

Sheldon had thought offering to let Penny scratch her itch was the right thing to do, and so he was completely confused by how much he now didn't want her to do it. Very, very reluctantly, he nodded and almost whispered, "Yes, Penny, despite my offer, I find that I do."

All of Penny's anger at Sheldon vanished at his confession. "Sheldon, honey, it's okay to admit that you like me. I like you too."

"Is that why you were upset yesterday when you said I wouldn't want to have coitus with you?"

"How did you hear that?"

"I'd like to say Vulcan hearing but I'd be lying."

Deciding to ignore the comment, Penny put down her purse. "Sheldon, I think we need to talk."

"We are talking."

"I mean we need to have a serious talk."

"Am I in trouble?"

"No, why would you think that?"

"It's what my mother always used to say when I was growing up and in trouble – 'Shelly, you and I need to have a serious conversation'." Sheldon finished mimicking his mother. "Then I normally ended up having to go to church and praying for forgiveness for what I'd done."

"But you don't believe in God."

"I kept trying to tell my mother that but she insisted that He'd still forgive me."

"Well, you don't have to worry this time, you're not in trouble." Penny moved to sit by Sheldon. "Sheldon, do you really like me?"

"Of course I like you."

"No, Sheldon, I mean do you like me in a romantic way?"

"I don't know," Sheldon said, still not quite sure how he felt. "I do know that I don't want you to have coitus with someone else."

Despite his answer, Penny knew better than to think that Sheldon wanted to have sex her and so she asked about his intention instead. "Then why did you offer?"

"Because I thought you wanted to have coitus, and I didn't want you to have to go without because you were in a pretend relationship with me."

"Sheldon, I don't mind going without," Penny said, before amending her statement. "Well, I do but getting back at Leonard is worth going without sex."

Sheldon then confirmed Penny's suspicions about not wanting to have sex with her. "So, if you were my real girlfriend, you wouldn't want coitus?"

"Yes, I would but not until you were ready."

"And what about if I was never ready? Would you dump me?"

If she hadn't been able to see at that moment how insecure a normally over-confident Sheldon was, his hands plucking at his trousers as he continued to scuff the floor with his left foot, Penny would have been mad that Sheldon thought so little of her. "No, Sheldon, I wouldn't. I'd help you to be ready."

Sheldon didn't think he'd ever be ready and so he pointed out what he saw as a stumbling block. "But I'm not boyfriend material. I know I'm not like other guys you date, and I'm certainly nothing like Kurt."

"You mean you're not a rude pig who cheats on me?"

"Well, when you put it that way…"

Penny cupped his face. "Sheldon, you might not have the perfect body and you might be a little cuckoo sometimes, but inside you're really very sweet and it's time I had a little sweet in my life."

Sheldon had watched enough movies to know what came next. "Are you going to kiss me now?"

Penny took this an invitation and said, "Yes, Sheldon, I am."

His heart feeling as though it was going to jump out of his chest, Sheldon closed his eyes as Penny leaned forward and lightly caressed his mouth with hers.

When her tongue brushed against his closed lips, rather than pulling away as he had done on the plane when Penny had done it, Sheldon hesitated before opening his mouth to permit her entrance. Moments later, Penny's tongue darted in and out of Sheldon's mouth, only lingering briefly, as if giving him time to acclimate to the sensation.

Sheldon's hands curled up into fists from nerves as he imitated Penny, although he almost froze as her tongue eventually curled around his, making his fists tighten further and his stomach bunch up.

When he groaned in his throat, Penny broke off the kiss and opened her eyes to see that Sheldon was looking at her as if he didn't recognize her.

"Sheldon, are you okay?"

"I don't know," Sheldon murmured. "That was… that was… that was…" And then he fell silent.

"Oh God, I've broken you," Penny exclaimed, taking Sheldon's hand and patting it. "Sheldon, sweetie, it's okay." When he said nothing, she let go of his hand and got to her feet. "I'll make you a hot beverage."

Sheldon was still sitting in the same position when Penny returned with his hot tea and honey. "Here you go."

Sheldon took it without speaking, saying nothing until he had finished his drink. "Penny?"

"Yes, sweetie?"

"Are you my real girlfriend now?"

"Would you like me to be?"

Sheldon remembered the mind-numbing kiss he had just shared and nodded. "I think so."

"Then I'm your real girlfriend."

"Okay, I think I'll go to bed now."

Penny hugged herself as Sheldon left the room, before whispering, "I'm Sheldon Cooper's girlfriend." She then gave a screech of laughter and said out loud, "I'm Sheldon Cooper's girlfriend."

His hearing picking up Penny's words and her cackle of laughter, Sheldon shook his head and said, "And she calls me crazy!"