Strong
A/N: Because I apparently take sick pleasure in putting Hiccup in emotional pain.
This story will contain spoilers for How to Train Your Dragon 2. Read no further if you haven't seen this movie.
In the weeks that followed his ascension to the chiefhood, Hiccup Haddock gained a great deal of respect for his late father Stoick the Vast. Of course he'd always respected his father. He'd known the man had to deal with issues that tried his patience and physical limitations every day. But it wasn't until he was facing them himself that he truly understood just how much it drained a person to almost single-handedly run an entire village. The ice blocks he'd so often seen pressed to Stoick's forehead became his best friends.
It was two months after his father's death. Hiccup was sitting at a table in his house, poring over some papers and trying to figure out how to solve yet another dispute. According to Hoark, he'd purchased some boar meat from Magnus the butcher and paid in full, but according to Magnus the payment had been partial and he was still owed the rest. Of course neither man kept good records, so it was a matter of one man's word against the other's. Hiccup was going through some notes his father had compiled over the years, hoping to find some kind of precedent he could fall back on, but he hadn't found anything so far. He grumbled as he rummaged around the mess of scrolls and notebooks piled all over the desk. There was a dull, throbbing ache in his temple that was becoming hard to ignore.
After a while he groaned aloud and put his head in his hands. "Gods, how did Dad do this?" he mumbled.
Something nudged him and he gave a start, looking around. His face broke into a sad smile. "Hey bud," he sighed, reaching out to stroke Toothless' head. The dragon crooned worriedly. "Yeah, I'm fine," Hiccup said. "Just…tired, that's all."
Toothless warbled. He could tell his human wasn't just tired. There was something else wrong, but he didn't know what. And if he didn't know what was wrong, how was he supposed to help?
Then he brightened. He knew one way to cheer his human up. It was the only thing that always worked without fail. They had to go flying. He bounded around Hiccup's chair, roaring and letting his tongue loll from his gummy mouth. Hiccup watched him with an amused arch in his eyebrows, but to Toothless' amazement he said, "Sorry, bud. Can't fly right now. Too much work to do."
Toothless visibly deflated. No flying? But then how was he supposed to cheer his poor human up?
The door suddenly opened and a figure walked in. Toothless brightened immediately. He recognized the person's scent. It was that female that his human was so fond of. She had an uncanny ability to make him feel better.
But when Hiccup looked up to greet Astrid, his smile slipped, and Toothless felt any joy he had been feeling disappear on the spot. This confused the dragon, who rumbled concernedly, but Hiccup didn't look at him. He was gazing up at Astrid, who said without preamble, "Hiccup, we need your help. There's a situation down at the dragon stables."
Hiccup sighed. "What kind of situation?"
"Let's just say that the twins were experimenting with Barf and Belch's diet and now there are bits of half-digested yak meat all over the place," Astrid replied. "The other dragons are riled up and we could really use your expertise."
Hiccup huffed and turned away, resting his elbows on the table and putting his head in his hands. "Great. Just perfect. Add it to the list of things I have to do," he grumbled.
Astrid blinked in surprise. She couldn't remember ever hearing Hiccup complain about his duties as chief before. She stepped further into the room, closing the door behind her, and came up to stand beside her boyfriend. "Hiccup? Are you all right?"
"Of course I am," Hiccup snapped.
"Sure doesn't sound like it," Astrid observed, crossing her arms. "What's on your mind?"
Hiccup shook his head. "It's nothing. I'm fine."
Astrid sighed and put a hand on his shoulder. He stiffened slightly but didn't say anything. "Hiccup, I can tell you're not fine. Give me some credit. Come on. You know you can talk to me, right?"
Hiccup groaned and banged his head on the table. Far from making him feel better, this only intensified his headache. Astrid raised her eyebrows but didn't comment, waiting for Hiccup to finally open up to her.
"I'm just really tired, Astrid," he finally mumbled. "I haven't been sleeping well."
Astrid frowned. She could tell this wasn't the complete truth. But then her face cleared and her expression softened. She sighed and said, "I know you miss him, Hiccup. We all do."
Hiccup sat up and turned to stare at her. Astrid was startled by the sudden anger she could see in his emerald eyes. "What did you say?" he asked, his voice low.
"I…I said…" Astrid stammered, "I said that I know you miss your father. Everyone does. I understand how you feel—"
"Don't you dare," Hiccup snarled, leaping to his feet. Astrid staggered backward in alarm. "Don't you dare complete that thought! You don't know! You don't understand! No one does! And I wish you all would stop pretending you did! You haven't the slightest comprehension of what I'm going through right now!"
Astrid gaped at him. Hiccup had never spoken to her like this before. He was always so calm, so soft-spoken, the last person to lose his temper. It was what made him a great chief. But this man…this man before her was a stranger. His face was contorted in an expression of pain and fury, the fire in the center of the room throwing the harsh lines into sharp relief. For a moment, he actually scared her.
"Everyone keeps telling me that they're so sorry for my loss, that they understand what I'm going through, that they know how hard this must be, and not a single damn one of them gets it!" Hiccup was shouting now. Toothless whined and slunk into a corner. "And then they all turn around and expect me to just bend over backward for them, settling their petty disputes and solving every single little problem that pops up because gods forbid they figure it out on their own! Do you know how long it's been since I've gotten a good night's sleep, Astrid?! Do you?"
"N-no," Astrid replied shakily.
"It's been a month!" Hiccup yelled. "I've been running myself ragged for weeks on end with minimal sleep! I haven't flown with Toothless for the past four days! I don't even remember the last meal I ate! And yet you have the gall to tell me that you understand how I feel?!" He shook his head. "You haven't the slightest idea, Astrid. None of you do." He turned away from her, staring off into space, his shoulders heaving with each breath.
Astrid just stared, too stunned to say a word. She glanced down at Toothless, who looked just as bewildered as she felt.
"Do you know what Sven said to me yesterday?" Hiccup said, his voice quieter but no less harsh. "He told me what a great job I was doing at keeping myself together." He turned back toward Astrid, and she was shocked to see a wet gleam in his eyes. "He thinks I'm so strong. They all do. The whole village. Everyone expects me to be this pillar of strength, to stand straight and tall and show no emotion, to see to my duties and think of nothing else. And while I'm busy being a chiefly statue, they all get to mourn. They all get to be sad and to cry and to grieve the passing of their chief." His voice was starting to shake but he kept talking, apparently determined not to cry. "How is that fair, Astrid? Why do you all get to mourn him while I have to be strong and keep it together and go about my duties with my head high and a smile on my face? Why…why can't I…"
He faltered for a moment. Astrid saw his throat constrict, but just when she thought he couldn't possibly say anything more, he continued, "You say you know how I feel. You don't. No one does. Because Stoick wasn't just my chief, Astrid. He was my dad."
That was it. He couldn't hold it back anymore. The moment the last word cleared his lips, he gasped and choked and dissolved into tears. He tried to sit back down in his chair but misjudged its location and ended up with his rump on the floor. He didn't bother trying to stand again. He buried his face in his hands and just cried, cried like he hadn't in years. Huge, heaving sobs wracked his body. His shoulders shook and great wails and moans escaped his lips. In some vague corner of his mind he felt shame creeping in but he just didn't have the energy to fight it anymore.
Astrid watched Hiccup fall apart mutely for a second or two. Then the feeling returned to her legs and she stepped forward, kneeling down beside him and enfolding him in her arms. He gasped and looked up at her, but she stopped any words he might have considered speaking. "Let it out, Hiccup," she said softly. "It's okay. Just let it out. Let it all go."
Hiccup didn't need to be told twice. He buried his face in her chest and sobbed uncontrollably. She held him and rocked him and ran her hand through his hair. She didn't say anything apart from the occasional "It's all right," or "Let it out, Hiccup, just let it out." And let it out Hiccup did. For fifteen solid minutes he just cried, finally releasing two months' worth of pent-up grief, rage, and stress.
At last Hiccup's sobs subsided into small gasps and hiccups. He sniffled and mumbled, "I'm…sorry, Astrid."
"No, don't apologize," Astrid said. "You have nothing to be sorry for, Hiccup."
"I shouldn't have yelled at you," Hiccup insisted. "You didn't deserve—"
"Hush," Astrid chided gently, and Hiccup hushed. He nestled slightly in her arms and silence fell between them for a while.
At length, Astrid said, "You are strong, Hiccup, you know that? You're probably the strongest man I know. But…" She pulled back and gently lifted Hiccup's head so that their eyes met. "…you don't always have to be. It's okay to call on others for your strength." She smiled. "I'm always here, Hiccup. If you ever need anything, someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, I'm here for you. So is your mom. And so is Toothless." The dragon crooned at the sound of his name, and Hiccup chuckled weakly. "You're not alone, Hiccup. You never have been. Don't forget that, okay?"
She kissed him on the cheek, tasting the saltiness of his tears. He grinned and nodded. "Thanks, Astrid," he murmured. Then he pulled her into a hug and added, "I love you."
Astrid smiled into his shoulder. It wasn't the first time he'd told her that, but they were words they didn't say often and she cherished them. She hugged him back and replied, "I love you too."
After a moment she drew back and stood up. "Get some rest," she suggested. "I'll go tell the twins to clean up their own mess. As for the other dragons, I'm sure we can handle it. Don't worry about it, all right?"
Hiccup nodded and stood up, wavering slightly. Apparently satisfied that his human was done yelling and crying, Toothless walked forward and nudged him gently. Grinning, Hiccup rested his hand on the dragon's head. Then, without a word, he turned and headed up the stairs, collapsing fully-clothed onto his bed. He was asleep in moments, and when he awoke hours later he felt more rested than he had in a very long time.
