Chapter Nine- Disco Fever for the BRAIN!
My plan to get girls to notice Remus went off without a hitch. Well, almost... lots of girls had started noticing the quiet and sickly Marauder, just not the one that held his fancy. I told Remus we could move to plan B, but he frantically denied my help and said he'd be fine on his own. I shrugged off the dismissal, and started pondering on Sirius's strange behavior...
'Maybe he has brain fever' I thought.
That would certainly explain the strange glances and the random bursts of red in his cheeks. Plus lots of British people get brain fever, or TB, but he hasn't been coughing, so it must be brain fever.
Then I felt horrible for his friends, who obviously hadn't figured out the sad fate of their beloved friend.
OH CRUEL FATE WHY MUST THOUGH TAKEST AWAY THINE YOUNGEST SERVANTS?
Then I had the moral dilemma of telling his friends, who obviously remained ignorant of their friend's condition, or keeping them in the dark.
Well, if they don't know then obviously Sirius doesn't want them to know. So I decided to do the honorable thing and leave it up to Sirius.
Another thought then came to my mind. Sirius didn't look like someone who knew they had brain fever. What if he didn't know, and it was still treatable? I took it upon myself to warn the poor marauder of his condition, and maybe save his life.
As I was rushing about the school searching for Sirius (consisting of me opening every door I came across and screaming his name into the room) I realized that there were many couples in Hogwarts who obviously wished to remain unknown, but really if they wanted their illicit love lives to remain a secret they should have locked the door. Honestly, people these days!
Finally I found him sitting on top of the astronomy tower.
However, by this time I had been running about the entire castle, and was quite out of breathe. So, my well thought out and tactful way of telling Sirius he was going to die kind of came out in a long slur, and a yell as I collapsed in front of him.
"SIRIUS! I'M SO GLAD I FOUNDYOU! GO TO THE HOSPITAL WING NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!" I screamed before landing in a heap before him.
He stayed silent for a while; I couldn't really tell what he was doing because my face was resting against the cool stone of the tower. He finally broke the silence.
"What?" he asked using the tone of voice one uses when addressing an angry grizzly bear with a chain saw.
"You have brain fever! You're going to die!" I said more calmly.
"I'm sorry. I didn't catch that." Sirius said getting a little closer to me a look of bewilderment on his face.
I rolled over so my face wasn't presses to the ground.
"I said you're going to die! You have brain fever Sirius."
I gave him the most apologetic look one can after running as long as I had, which probably looked more like the face of a drunk person when asked to explain Einstein's theory of relativity…
His looked of bewilderment just grew "What in the hell is brain fever, and how do you know I have it?"
I sighed and drug myself off the ground getting really close to his face.
"You have all the symptoms!" I started "You're British, the rosy cheeks, the random outbursts! It all adds up."
His face turned red and I a-hawed.
"See there it is! You can see the brain fever it's flaring up again!"
I stammered while pointing at his flushed cheeks. He just stood there dumbly so I grabbed his hand and proceeded to drag him down to the infirmary.
He stopped me from pulling to the infirmary and turned me around then pulled his face in really close, I shot away from him and could feel my cheeks burning.
"There!" he said pointing to my triumphantly.
"You have it too, whatever it is! You have rosy cheeks and have way more random outbursts than I've had in my entire life!" He said throwing his hands up in the air.
"Sirius, Sirius, Sirius." I said placing my hand on his shoulder and shaking my head.
I then proceeded to talk to him like one talks to retarded cousin. "I am clearly not British; therefore, I am immune to brain fever."
I spoke slowly so he could understand me; I then turned away and said in a lower voice.
"Ah it's worse than I thought."
It looks like I'm going to have to get him down to the infirmary using my master skills of deception' I though while grinning to myself.
I turned back to Sirius and grabbed his hand instead of his arm. "Come on Sirius"
I coaxed "I have something to show you."
His face flushed even redder as I proceeded to walk down the corridor holding his hand.
He started stuttering "Wha-what do you, uh, thin-think..."
I cut him off by putting my finger to my lips in a shushing motion "Shhhh don't talk..."
'Wow he's getting even worse his whole head is red I thought to myself as we made our slow trek to the infirmary. As we approached the infirmary I looked at his face. He was in a daze. I gasped and rushed us both inside the nurse's office.
"Quick!" I shouted drawing the nurse's attention to me "He has brain fever!"
Madam Pomfrey looked over from her desk and stood up walking towards us
"Excuse me? She said looking down at me.
"He has brain fever; if we hurry we may still be able to save him!"
Sirius, having figured out my plan, folded his arms over his chest and glared at me.
"My dear" Madam Pomfrey said looking at me.
"There is no such thing as 'brain fever'. It was merely a general disease Victorian writers used to kill off their characters without using TB."
Well... I felt dumb. I turned bright red and turned back to Sirius rubbing the back of my neck. "Hehe sorry Sirius, I guess you're not dying. You're just strange."
He just continued to glare at me.
"Hey!" I said pointing at him.
I was starting to get a little annoyed with his attitude.
"Don't you take that tone of look with me mister! I was just looking out for you! Be glad there are people out there who care enough to tell you when you are dying of fictional diseases!"
I then stomped off leaving the confused Sirius, and even more confused madam Pomfrey behind.
'No respect! I give and I give, and what happens? I get glared at by people suffering from fake diseases! I mean really who would know that brain fever was a fake disease? Curse you Dostoyevsky! Curse you to heck!' I thought while I continued to stomp down the corridor. I turned down a corner only to be bowled over.
I laid sprawled on the grown my assailant lying on top of me.
"What in the seven stages of hell!" I exclaimed looking at the lug head on top of me.
Turns out it was Viper, and he looked like he had just been mauled by a Claire's store.
"Ace, oh god!" He jumped up and started looking around.
He grabbed me and yanked me into an empty classroom. Once he calmed down I got a good look at him. My first description was pretty accurate; he was covered in what looked like lipstick marks and his clothes were torn to shreds.
He slunk into a chair and tried to catch his breath. Once he was composed he looked up at me, I quirked a brow and gave him a look that clearly said he should explain.
He sighed. "Fan girls everywhere! I'm lucky I got out alive, Ace. I haven't seen such horrors since we witnessed Deuce's Grandpa walking around in Women's clothing!"
I shuddered at the memory.
Now, I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with being a transvestite. Hell, I've met some very nice transvestites; however, there are just some people in the world that can't pull off the transvestite look, and he was definitely one of them. Flabby old men, and three inch stilettos just should never mix, ever.
Of course that really is just my opinion. If I remember correctly, there were a few people who did seem interested. Some people have odd tastes. I personally like my men in pants
Any who, Viper and I decided to sit down, and try and work out his current problem.
"Well Viper..." I said "I say we kill 'em all."
I gave my friend a level glance.
He smirked at the idea "That would solve all my problems..."
"Yes, yes it would!" Both of us started to cackle evilly, when we hear a noise.
Remus was standing in the door way looking as if he was about to try and sneak out.
"Ummm..." he started "I can see that I've obviously interrupted , and I'll be leaving now. Mmmkay-thanks-bye"
"Not so fast my big brained friend." Viper said grabbing his shoulder and sitting him down next to us.
"Now that you know our plan, we can't possibly let you leave." I said leaning forward giving Remus my most intimidating of stares.
Remus gulped. "C-come one Ace, Viper I'm sure we could, uh, talk this out. I won't tell anyone or anything..." He trailed off.
"Yes, and what about that charismatic crew you hang about with?" Viper said leaning in as well, effectively trapping him.
"Ummmmm" he stuttered scooting away, hand moving for his wand. Unfortunately for him when Viper was distracting him I managed to grab it without him noticing.
After a few seconds he noticed and started to frantically pat himself down looking for his wand.
"Looking for this?" I said whilst twirling it in my hand. Ah, those days of pick pocketing sure do come in handy!
Before Remus could start sputtering again Viper knocked on the desk with one of those official little hammer thingies. Gavels I think they're called.
(I still don't know where it came from…)
"This meeting has no come to session" he said in a voice dripping with pomp. "Remus my friend, it has come to my attention that you have your eye set on our lovely Deuce. Am I correct?"
Remus sent me a particularly nasty glare.
I cleared my throat and Viper continued.
"We will now begin our plot to umm... "He looked down, and began to dig through some papers on the desk he was sitting at.
"Ah yes! Get you two together."
Remus looked horrified; his mouth started moving like he was a fish gasping for breath. Eventually he regained his bearings and managed to stutter out "As long as it doesn't involve anymore public humiliation ..."
"Oh Remus, Remus, Remus" I said putting my hand on his shoulder.
"Poor, ignorant Remus… Haven't you SEEN Disney movies? You know the Price that always gets the girl?" I asked seriously.
"Umm. Yes..." he said clearly not seeing my point.
"Well. They're ALWAYS wearing tights."
He blanched at the idea shook his head and began to stand up. I quickly stopped him with a look.
"However, we're in a day and age that doesn't appreciate a man wearing a fine set of tights... no what you need to do is become a Byronic Hero! That is the new equivalent to tights!"
He looked startled.
"See you need to become tall, dark and dangerous! That'll get you a woman, and if that doesn't work we'll just spray you with some glitter..." I continued looking smug with my idea.
Viper smirked in response.
Remus still looked shocked then muttered out "I think that might actually work. I refuse to wear glitter though, I want her to like me not assume…
"You're a flaming hunk of man loving meat..." Viper supplied.
"Um, yeah that…." Remus looked at Viper like he was crazy.
"Oh fine." I said dejectedly "Well, I don't think getting her to like is gonna be the problem. I think it's gonna be getting her to see you."
"Putting a neon sign on his shirt would help" Viper suggested only to squeak at the combined stares of Remus and I.
"No, we need something better, something more diabolical." I said whilst stroking my invisible evil villain beard.
"Yes! "Viper cackled evilly joining the fiendish consult.
It was about then that I looked down at my watch.
"Holy flaming babies it's time for lunch!" Viper and I grabbed our bags and high tailed it out of the abandoned room making our way to the great hall, leaving Remus some were in the dust.
He shook his head "Those two never fail to amuse me in a scarring, and all but horrifying way."
With that he walked out of the room trailing the overly enthusiastic pair.
A/N: Okay, Okay admittedly it's been awhile…The only excuse we can offer is it's our senior year, and we're going to Italy… any who to clarify if you didn't catch the Lit. References there are a few from Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky, a few from basic lit terms and finally one that is a little more main stream, and that we refuse to clarify (though we're sure you figured it out , and if it offended you pretend you didn't…)Okay so we may or may not update before we leave to Italy. It really just depends on how we feel and if anything springs up… Thanks to all of you amazing people that reviewed it makes us feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside!
A/N: Ok, so basically what she said *points to above text* she really did get everything I'm mostly just writing so I can hello and give my own special thanks to all of you who read this random explosion of words we fondly call a fan fic ^-^
P.S. for those of you who are confused yes this story has two authors, and we're both sane...ish
