[From Pop Life]
Claire and Tony stepped out of the elevator on the floor where autopsy was. From the moment the doors opened you could hear the two bickering…..again.
"I didn't think that you would notice." Tony told Claire, trying to diffuse the situation since she was livid.
"Oh so stealing is ok if nobody notices." she sarcastically remarked at they walked through the automatic doors.
"It wasn't stealing it was sharing." He countered. Ducky looked up from the body he was working on and gave Palmer a tired look, hearing the bickering duo behind him.
"It was my lunch Tony! I didn't wanna share my lunch with you." She whined and turned to him, getting up in his face. Tony stopped to face her in the middle of the room and pointed a finger at her.
"Now see you just said it was sharing." He pointed out as he lifted his hands in the air with a triumphant smile.
"Excuse me!" Ducky interrupted. They paused their argument and looked over at Ducky who had turned around, no longer able to ignore the incessant bickering behind him.
"Show a little respect. This is a place of peace and dignity." Ducky pointedly told them as he turned back to the body on the table. Tony looked back at Claire as she let out a huff of frustration.
"Before Claire got here." Tony mumbled. She was not to be messed with at the moment so she violently elbowed him in the gut. Tony barely managed to block most of the blow with a grunt of slight fear. She could pack a punch when she wanted to, and at the moment she wanted to. Claire walked over and stood at the end of the table between Ducky and Palmer.
"We need a mediator Ducky or I'm going to have to go to employee relations." Claire informed as she sent a glare over to her coworker. Tony walked over to Ducky's other side.
"Which would be tattling." Tony commented. Ducky continued to work and somewhat ignored them while Palmer was glancing awkwardly between the two.
"No, going to employee relations is not tattling." She countered.
"It's the adult version of 'I'm telling mom'" Tony replied not looking at her. Ducky and Palmer continued to work as Claire marched over to Jimmy's other side to stand across from Tony.
"You are SO juvenile!" she accused.
"Am not."
"Are so"
"Am not." They bickered back and forth like children. Claire glared and turned to Ducky, taking a deep breath before talking.
"Ducky, we need an unofficial mediator." She explained.
"Did you talk to Gibbs?" he asked looking up from his work. Claire made a face coupled with a noise of uncertainty and looked over at Tony who matched her expression. They looked back to Ducky as if to say 'pretty sure that would be a bad idea'. Gibbs didn't like hearing the two of them go back and forth.
"Oh yes, I see your point." Ducky agreed after a moment of thought before going looking back at the body on the table.
"We thought of McGee." Claire started.
"But we have no respect for him." Tony finished for her.
"And then we thought of you." she continued. Ducky found it amusing that even when they bickered, that they finished each other's sentences.
"I see, third on the short list." Ducky commented and sent an amused smirk at Palmer.
"Well, at least I beat out Abby and Kate." He told his assistant. Tony and Claire looked at each other guiltily.
"We just came from there." Tony grudgingly told him.
"Abby turned us down…..and Kate just called us psychotic." Claire added. Ducky glanced at them.
"Oh.." he muttered.
"Come on Ducky she's driving me crazy!" Tony threw a small fit and pointed at her while facing away rather dramatically. Claire's mouth dropped with an offended look. She was driving him crazy?!
"Well I am busy but uh…." Ducky looked at Palmer and nodded his head in the direction of the doors. Jimmy got the message.
"Um Abby needs these blood samples stat." Palmer told them as he reached across Claire to grab some test tubes. He rushed out of the room so they could talk.
"Yes, well I am busy but uh….I'm flattered that you would entrust your relationship to me." Ducky told them. Tony gave him an odd look.
"It will be rather like uh….marriage counseling." Ducky added with an amused grin. In perfect sync they both recoiled in disgust at the thought. Marriage?...Them?!
"Let's not use those words." Tony suggested with a grimace. That stung Claire a little but then again she was reacting the same way.
"Ducky it is only a platonic relationship." Claire corrected while doing the 'nothing else' sign with her hands covering up the tiny jab of hurt. Tony glanced at her with mixed emotions that he quickly buried too. Ducky kept the amused expression on his face watching their micro expressions give them away.
"So you'll do it?" Tony asked him, changing the topic.
"Oh of course I would relish the experience." Ducky assured.
"You know I studied psychology at the University of Edenborough under Professor O'Donnell." Ducky added and sounded like he was about to go into another lengthy story before Claire anxiously cut him off.
"Ok! Let's start." She suggested eagerly. She needed to prove to Tony that she was right.
"I left my desk for half a minute and when I came back Tony had eaten half of my tuna fish sandwich." Claire told Ducky. During her whole explanation Tony was making dramatic sounds of disagreement and had thrown his head back while pacing the side of the table.
"See! See! She's…whoop!" Tony animatedly started while gesturing that she was crazy.
"I'm hungry, we're buddies!" Tony started while gesturing to himself.
"It shouldn't be a big deal, it's not a big deal." Tony sent a glance at her before fully turning and leaning forward acting like he was talking to a dog.
"…But little miss Tidy Twisty Pants blows everything out of proportion and it becomes a major deal!" Tony exploded while she had a shocked expression at what he was calling her. Of all the childish things! Ducky kept glancing between the two as the argument escalated again.
"All you left me was the crust!" she countered with distain. Tony pointed his hand at her and gave her a look of 'so what's the big deal?'
"Bah! Who is right here?" Tony diverted from the fact she pointed out and turned to Ducky gesturing between himself and Claire. Ducky looked between the two looking a bit bewildered at how intense they were over this.
"Yes, Ducky please…tell him." She encouraged while sending him a smile.
"Oh..we…we need to look a little…deeper.." Ducky hesitantly told them with a nod. Claire leaned her head forward with a look of disbelief.
"This is clearly a more than a blatant sibling rivalry being expressed by your adolescent and sexually charged bickering. This stems from an unconscious desire to please a father figure….among other things." Ducky told them, muttering the last part under his breath. Bringing romantic feelings into the mess would only make things work. So he decided to start small. Tony and Claire looked at him with 'you've got to be kidding me' looks. As Ducky explained they slowly followed him as he walked over to the sink. Once he finished his explanation they gave him a confused look, now standing side by side.
"And I think we all know who that is." Ducky added with a smile. Claire turned to Tony.
"What does this have to do with our sandwich?" she muttered, confused as to why this was relevant. Tony thought the look on her face was adorable. Wait no….we're bickering…..I'm mad at her….we're both confused. She certainly doesn't look adorable. Tony mentally shook away the thoughts.
"There's no father figure." Tony told Ducky with furrowed brows. Just then the doors opened and Gibbs walked in.
"Hey, why don't you answer your phone?" He asked somewhat irritated. Tony's eyes widened and he started to make his way to the door.
"We found a body, a female sailor, now come on let's go!" Gibbs told them as the two scurried past him to the elevator.
"I'll gas the truck" Tony said in passing.
"I've got the gear." Claire said.
"I prepacked the gear already." Tony countered. Claire glared at him as they walked to the elevator. Ducky followed them.
"Yes, there are clearly issues here. We need to meet twice a week, at least." Ducky instructed as the elevators closed. Gibbs turned to look at the two of them. They didn't make eye contact and continued the ride in awkward silence.
