A/N - I promise - this story will get finished come hell or high water, blood, sweat and tears (and believe me, the last few months I've faced all of those and more!). I am also hesitant to say things are slowly improving - just to say you wouldn't believe the damn hoops and crap my sister and I have had to deal with over the estates and probate of my Mother (who died in Jan.) and an Aunt (who died on Christmas day). Even 6 months on, it's still going on - but slowly - it is easing and I'm finding time to get back to more normal things. I just hope this continues. I also fight an auto-immune disease - and needless to say stress etc doesn't help that! As I've said, this story and my others (Heart of Gold and Damage Control with Honorcpt) will get finished at some point.

As for Honorcpt - I really must say without their support, beta work and general all round friend - I'm not sure I would have continued! So H, thanks for everything, because you've been a fantastic friend!

Enough rambling from me, I'm sure most will just skip this anyway (and don't blame you.)

Disclaimers as shown at the beginning - so - on with the story...


Chapter nine

"It doesn't have to be a shrink, as you so succinctly put it." Maura replied, still refusing to let go of Jane's hand. "A counselor of some kind can be just as valuable under the circumstances."

"So what? Couples counselling?" Jane shook her head. "Uh, nope. Thanks but no thanks. I see the department shrink as needed, to get back to the job, but no more than that Maura."

Maura could see Jane's defenses beginning to slam back into place quickly, and knew she had little time to make a case about it all. "Yes, you do see the department psychiatrist, and you know what to say so that they feel you're not just giving them the answers you think they need to hear; you allow a little vulnerability to come through. Always just enough for them to think you have been affected, as you should have been, but at the same time, it hasn't been overly damaging. They sign you off, until the next time, and then your dance starts again. Don't you understand though Jane, by only showing a small amount, by placing any amount of control about how people perceive how it has really affected you, it's not helping you in the longer term? It's not helping us? I didn't think I needed to talk after Hoyt and..." Maura's breath hitched slightly as she forced herself to remember the prison hospital. "I thought after the prison, just talking to you would be enough. I look back now, and while it helped... even I didn't recognize that I needed proper help with it all."

Jane looked surprised. "Are you still?"

"Having nightmares?" Maura said quietly knowing exactly what Jane's ambiguous question was, dipping her head ever so slightly. "Yes. I can't remember the last time I slept as soundly as I should have and even now, the best sleep is when we are together, which isn't often enough. Don't you see, we've both had so much happen to us in a relatively short space of time and neither of us has allowed our minds to heal from the trauma. I'm not saying we're crazy, or that we're weak, but I do know we can't carry on as we were without it exploding on us. That implosion is already beginning to happen, and if we don't stop it soon, it'll be too late to prevent it from destroying a lot, especially our friendship. Do you really want to risk losing that over the choice of seeing someone to talk to?"

Jane took a deep breath. "No."

Her answer was slow in coming, and for a minute, Maura was beginning to worry that whatever progress that might have been made was for nothing, and it didn't go unnoticed by Jane that Maura relaxed considerably at her reply.

"Do you know anyone?" Jane then asked, as the conversation stilted a little and she watched with a feeling of warmth as Maura tried to hide the slightest of smiles that formed as Jane asked the question, before Maura looked at her.

"I have a couple of contacts that would be worth looking in to. Neither know me other than by name, which I think is important. I don't want to go to someone who might know me, even if it's professionally from conventions or even my medical training. Both were recommended to me by someone I know who decided to specialize in the field when we had to make our choice of specialization. I knew, even before this, that once I returned it would be useful for me to at least see someone. Apparently both are highly qualified, and more importantly, both have some training with post traumatic stress."

Maura knew by saying what she had would be enough to put Jane back on the defensive, and sure enough, she watched as Jane's face hardened again. She moved quickly to continue her explanation. "Whilst I know you're going to argue we don't have such problems, think about it. We have both been under extreme situations, with pressure that is nothing like the normal life we might face. Even for someone like you, as a trained police officer, Hoyt isn't someone you can train for. Our situation has been unique, for you far more than for me, and if I'm recognizing the help I'm going to need, surely you can understand that you're going to need similar support."

Jane sighed heavily. "Dammit it Maur, why can't life just be simple!"

Maura couldn't help the smile that broke out, at Jane's slightly petulant outburst, which was enough to show she was accepting what Maura was saying, even if she didn't like it. "Because we both know it doesn't happen like that."

Jane smirked a little, as she dropped her head slightly, before lifting it back up, her eyes firmly fixed on Maura. "You do know I'm gonna have to be dragged there kicking and screaming."

"The easy way, or the hard way." Maura replied, with a grin of her own.

"Become a bit of a thing for us hasn't it." Jane observed with a hint of irony in her voice. Maura nodded and for the first time in, what she realized had been a very long time, she felt as if she and Jane had finally lifted some of the problems between them and that they really did have a chance to fix this.

"What you thinking?"

"What are you thinking?"

"Ha ha." Jane rolled her eyes, "I asked first, no deflecting. What are you thinking?"

Maura smiled, "I'm just thinking that we need to keep this going, but it feels like we can finally move forward."

Jane suddenly looked nervous. "Does this mean you're ready to come home?"

The question was asked quietly, and Jane actually looked embarrassed and worried all at the same time. Maura took a breath.

"Unless they reopen the hospital at Pibor, then - yes." Maura admitted. "If they reopen the hospital, I hope you understand I can't just leave them, having given the commitment to work for the year."

Jane blew out between her lips, that were barely open. "Yeah, I get that. It'd be hard to go back without you, but knowing we've got this far I can at least go home knowing you don't hate me."

Maura visibly balked at the last words spoken by Jane. "I'm sorry that is how it came across, but I never hated you. I might have hated the circumstances, but never you Jane, never you."

Jane looked surprised by Maura's softly spoken confession, and once again felt tears threatening. "I just..." Jane stopped, looking confused as much as upset. "You really mean that?"

"Yes," Maura reached across and brought Jane in to a hug, before resting her head on Jane's shoulder, closing her eyes as she revelled in the smell and feel of Jane surrounding her, realizing just how safe and comfortable it made her feel, and more than that, just how much she had missed feeling Jane, missed having Jane to ground her. "I've missed this." Maura murmured in to Jane's top, as she felt Jane tightening her hold ever so slightly.

Jane dropped the lightest of kisses on top of Maura's head. "I know, I've missed us." and smiled as she felt Maura snuggling in even closer, not that Jane thought it was possible.


"Do you think they are going to be okay?" Fred asked, as he sipped his tea, sighing as he reached over to dump more sugar in, earning a scowl from Mark.

"What?" Fred said, now stirring vigorously, "I like sweet tea! You know that."

"Indeed I do." Mark replied, his own tea; unsweetened. "And you know I don't agree with the amount of sugar you have in your diet."

Fred simply stuck his tongue out, before taking another sip of his tea, before sighing with exaggeration just to make his point about how much he was enjoying it. Mark simply shook his head, knowing he wasn't going to change Fred, but he still couldn't help occasionally calling him on his diet.

"So, do you think they are going to be okay?" Fred repeated his earlier question.

Mark put his mug down on the table, looking thoughtful. "Yes. I don't think it's going to be straightforward, but I think they are going to be fine."

"Oh thank Christ for that!" Fred said with a loud huff, "It's so bloody obvious they are supposed to be together. I've never seen Maura so..." Fred paused, as he searched for the word he wanted.

"Smitten?" Mark supplied, with a grin.

"Yes, thank you Mr Oxford English Dictionary." Fred said, failing to keep his own smile from forming. "I was going to say in love. Smitten is just a little too... oh sod it, smitten is fine! And don't crow on about how you were right first time around." Fred then put up a warning finger to make his point, earning a deep laugh from his partner.

"I could say she's beguiled, besotted, bewitched, captivated, carried away, charmed, crazy about, enamored..." Mark let out another laugh at the look of horror beginning to cross Fred's face. "I won't though."

"Too late, you already did." Fred pointed out quickly with a slight shudder. "Mind you, any of those could sum Maura up right about now. As for Jane, I knew she had the swagger!"

Mark shook his head. "You are such a gossip."

"Am not!"

"Yes, you are." Mark countered, before leaning in a little closer so there was little chance of being overheard. "And as camp is a row of tents, it's one reason I love you." Mark then settled back in his seat with a smirk as Fred looked around them quickly, his breathing increasing.

"You don't play fair." Fred said quickly, "Tease." He then muttered as Mark deliberately licked his bottom lip suggestively. His eyes though quickly changed direction as he spotted Jane and Maura walking in to the room, and he nudged Mark with his one foot, before motioning with his head in the direction where they were coming from. Mark's face registered surprise at seeing them, but also happiness, sensing they had finally begun to sort out their life. Fred waved, and spotting them, Jane and Maura walked over.

"I'll grab coffee." Jane said, as they approached, giving Maura's forearm a quick reassuring squeeze, before heading off towards the beverages lined up across one table. Maura then slipped on to a chair, leaning in to hug Mark who was closest to where she was sitting.

"Hey!" Fred muttered. "Don't I get a cuddle?" His lips then forming a dramatic pout, earning a light laugh from Maura, who twisted around in her chair, before also giving him a quick hug.

"Better?" Maura asked as she then sat back, in a position whereby she could watch Jane getting the drinks.

"Maybe." Fred said slowly, watching Maura intently, before tilting his head to Mark, then flicking his hand as if to try and get Mark to ask the question he desperately wanted to but didn't want to appear too eager.

Mark closed his eyes briefly, finding Fred's sudden reticence amusing, before moving forward in his seat. "I see you and Jane have talked, and are we to assume that because of this you have finally broached the subjects you needed to?"

Maura broke her gaze away from Jane, who was turning and heading towards them. "You assume correctly." Maura said, unable to stop the pure look of happiness on her face.

Her response elicited a squeal from Fred. "I knew it!" He sounded triumphant as he struck out to slap Mark's arm. Mark in turn simply frowned at Fred's overly dramatic reaction, and looked around quickly, hoping it hadn't drawn undue attention to their table, and relaxed as he saw it hadn't.

"You knew what?" Jane asked, amusement in her voice as she watched Fred's actions, not used to seeing quite such exuberant displays by men before. Sure, she'd come across gay men plenty of times, but this was the first time she'd spent any time with any, and she found Fred endearing and amusing.

Fred flicked a finger out back and forth rapidly in front of his chest. "You two." He finally said, "Getting your thing on!"

"Our thing on..." Jane said slowly, putting on her best detective face, winking to Maura as she set the drinks down, before sitting down on the chair Maura had pulled out for her. "And just what is 'our thing?'"

"Your thing." Fred replied, "Oh for goodness sake. For someone who is supposed to work things out for a living... you know, your thing! Mark!" Fred then looked across at Mark with an exasperated expression. "Explain!"

"Fred, she's teasing." Mark replied with a roll of his eyes.

Fred glared at Jane, who simply shrugged her shoulders in his direction. "You..." Fred stabbed a finger towards Jane, for once flustered, before rounding on Mark. "You could have said something."

Maura and Jane both laughed as Mark simply grabbed Fred's errant finger, before placing his hand down on the table. "Why would I want to say anything and spoil all the fun." Mark then looked back at Jane and Maura, his expression more serious. "However, I do want to know, what are your plans?"

"Our plans?" Jane looked at Maura. "To be honest, we've not really discussed it in too much depth, because it's going to depend on Maura."

Fred and Mark both looked at Maura for further explanation, which she provided quickly.

"It comes down to if MSF reopens Pibor hospital again. If they do, I will stay, otherwise, I suppose Jane and I will be heading back to Boston as soon as we can. We would both need time to acclimatize back to being in the city, and to make sure we're both refreshed and ready to go back to work."

Hearing Maura's words, Jane beamed. Whilst she knew the situation with Pibor, it was the first time Maura had come out and said she'd possibly be returning to Boston with her. It was one thing to say she was ready to come home, another to know Maura was including Jane in the scenario. Jane knew there had been too many misunderstandings already between them, so had worried that she was reading too much in to Maura's earlier declaration. Instinctively, her hand came out and clasped Maura's, who merely looked as she felt the contact, but didn't then try and pull away, only tightening her grip ever so slightly to show she was comfortable.

"You do realize we're gonna have Ma squealing at us when we get back don't you." Jane said, a smirk on her face.

"Oh." Maura suddenly looked worried. "Do you think we can go straight back to your apartment and not let her know when we do get back?"

"Erm..." Jane hesitated, unsure if Maura was being serious or not. "I guess. Do you really not want to see Ma?"

Maura stopped for a second as she considered the question, "Truthfully, not right away, no." She then found herself admitting. "I want us to be able to find our feet, and while I've grown to love your Mother, she can be a little overwhelming at times."

"You invited her to stay in your guesthouse." Jane replied, a smirk on her face. "Tried to warn ya, but you wouldn't listen."

"Guesthouse?" Mark suddenly asked. "I didn't even know you had a guesthouse."

Maura looked up, suddenly remembering she hadn't given Mark or Fred her change of address. "I moved around a year ago..."

"After I shot myself." Jane said quickly. "Found out my parents separated during my stay in the hospital, and Maura here wanted to give my Ma a roof over her head."

"Wait a sec." Fred spluttered. "You shot yourself?" He then looked across at Maura, eye's wide. "You moved to let someone have somewhere to live? What in the hell?"

Maura looked slightly abashed. "Jane, do you want to try and start?"

Jane sighed. "Not much to tell fellas. We were being held hostage in police headquarters. My younger brother Frankie was in serious trouble with a pneumothorax. Maura did some stuff that helped him, but he needed surgery." Jane's voice faltered slightly, and she felt Maura's hand in her own. "I was dragged outside by the dirty cop, and no-one would take any action. I... wasn't thinking, and just pulled his gun around, pulling the trigger." Jane carefully lifted her t-shirt, revealing her scar. "Three months later, I was able to come back to work."

"Shit." Fred muttered. "Where were you?" He asked Maura, seeing her flinch as Jane admitted pulling the trigger.

"I had just come through the doors because the SWAT team had got in through the back of the building, and I wanted to let Jane know Frankie was safe."

"So you saw..." Mark's question died on his lips as Maura nodded.

"Crap, and let me guess, you've not really talked about it?" Fred said quietly, and seeing the look that passed between the two women, he could only shake his head. "Okay, so Jane, you shot yourself... which by the way I think was both a heroic and stupid idea... which you saw Maura, and then you moved, just so Jane's Mother could live in your newly acquired guesthouse? And you didn't even think that there was something unusual in that? Hello?"

Maura shrugged. "Angela needed somewhere to live, and I could provide that for her. I didn't think it might be strange. She needed a home, and I had just moved, and I had a guesthouse. I must clarify, I didn't move specifically for Angela, it was just fortuitous that I'd recently moved into a property with a guesthouse attached. It was, initially, supposed to be when my Mother came to stay."

Jane snorted. "Yeah, some cop I am... had no idea what was going on for ages! Then Ma comes out with it all when I was at the awards ceremony. Thought Ma was gonna pass out on us for a second."

"Awards ceremony?" Mark was the one to ask the question this time around.

Jane flinched. "Just some dumb award thing. Dumb sure, shoot yourself, get a medal."

"Jane we've been through this." Maura sounded slightly exasperated. "What you did on that day undoubtedly saved lives."

Jane shook her head. "Not the time Maur..." Jane looked across at Mark and Fred, who were watching with interest and shrugged her shoulders. "So, there is a quick summary of what happened. So, we're going back to my apartment then?"

Jane looked back at Maura, who was still frowning slightly at Jane's dismissal about talking through the award ceremony, but knew it wasn't the time or place to try and push, but realizing it was just typical of how they had been. The moment something became uncomfortable, it was dropped, to be brought up another time, only for another time to never actually happen.

"Yes, we're going back to your apartment. We can then let your Mother and mine know we're back once we feel settled again." Maura replied, with a slight nod of her head.

"When will you be leaving?" Mark asked, sensing the conversation was now effectively over about the shooting and Maura's guesthouse occupant.

"I'll ask about Pibor to find out what the likelihood of it reopening it is after my coffee, and then I suppose as soon as it can be practically arranged if it isn't reopening." Maura admitted.

"I can't see Pibor opening up again for a long time. So, guess we need to make the most of seeing you." Mark then said, a smile crossing his face.

"I'd like that." Maura admitted, as she held Jane's hand, pleased to see a smile breaking out on Jane's face. Maura's own face then fell as she began to think about the Pibor situation. "Of course, in one way I hate that Pibor has closed. I suspect it'll go back to clandestine treatment facilities by doctors trying to fulfill their commitment and duty to provide medical assistance. Improvised health clinics being established in apartments, on farms and elsewhere. It's such a shame."

Jane looked shocked at Maura's word. "That kind of shit happens?"

"Unfortunately, all too often." Mark answered, his own face showing how upset he was over the admission. "Operating rooms are often someone's front room, or worse, a rudimentary animal shack. Hygiene and sterilisation conditions are beyond basic and anesthesia is in short supply. Furthermore, the mere possession of drugs and basic medical materials, such as gauze, is considered a crime in some areas now."

"Shit." Jane unconsciously brought her hand around and rested it across where her entry wound was. "Makes me realize how lucky we are to have the facilities at our disposal."

Maura nodded, "In a way, I'm pleased you've seen this Jane. What's so heartbreaking is nothing has changed much from when I was first with MSF, many of the same problems still exist."

"Hey, you guys help." Jane said quickly, squeezing Maura's hand slightly. "And yeah, I'm pleased I came and have seen this all first hand. Well, not what you've faced out in the field, but I can finally see the appeal of the toilet paper."

Mark and Fred looked confused, and Maura simply looked at them and said "Ian." It was enough for them to nod with understanding. Jane's eyebrows knitted together.

"Does everyone know about Ian?" She asked, making sure to keep her voice light, to show she wasn't upset.

"We know of him." Fred said, but he looked at Maura carefully. "I know I've never said anything before, but he was always wrong for you sweetie. Sure, his work helps a lot of people, but if he genuinely cared about you, he wouldn't use you like he has. He might be able to pick up emotionally where he left you, but it was never fair on you."

"I know that now." Maura admitted, "He is merely a person in my past and someone who is dear to me, but I've moved on."

Jane released the breath she didn't know she'd been holding, never so relieved to hear a statement in her life and her smile widened as she finally felt fully relaxed. Her posture didn't go unnoticed by the others, who all inwardly smiled as well, all very aware that finally, Jane and Maura were moving in the right direction. Of course, a lot now depended on Maura and the Pibor camp situation, but Jane refused to dwell on that and enjoy the moment.

Fred settled back in his seat, a smile plastered across his face. Mark also sat back knowing his partner too well and just knew Fred was about to throw something totally outlandish out there. He wasn't disappointed.

"Maura once you get back home promise me one thing."

Maura nodded, which was accompanied with a quiet "of course," just as Jane started to drink her coffee again with a large gulp now it was nicely cooled; split seconds later regretting that move as it spewed from her mouth and nostrils in a jet stream.

"When you and Jane get married I bag being one of your bridesmaids..."