Life at Nampara continued with a friendly companionship between husband and wife. They had yet to cross the bridge that separated them, but Ross believed that in time Demelza would return to be her former self. He knew her, and he knew that she wouldn't dwell in the past forever.
He spent more time in home, the mine not so demanding now like it used to be. He worked in the fields and in the farm that were so neglected in the last few years. Demelza sometimes took Jeremy to see the animals while he was working, and they spoke about the next harvest or the new barn they needed or about the news coming from France. She used to go back inside the house before he finished his job. That gave him the impression that she didn't want to be near him when he have his hands free or could be closer to her. She kept a distance, both physically and emotionally, that Ross could only hope it would banish in time.
All that months since the night he spent with Elizabeth he had been reluctant to talk with Demelza about her. He knew Demelza had always been aware of his situation with Elizabeth, that connection with her was something that existed for a long time before he even knew his wife. It never had to be discussed. He didn't want to discuss it. It was a fact. Part of the history of his life, it could not be changed. But that was his view on the matter. Maybe Verity was right, maybe the confrontation was inevitable.
It happened in Christmas Eve. Ross and Demelza had invited Dwight and Caroline to dinner with them. Demelza had put on a really good effort in arranging the house for the visit of Caroline. The two women had only seen each other in a couple of occasions but Caroline had been so generous with them in the past, she had helped them in an hour of need and for that she had won Demelza's eternal gratitude and friendship.
The four of them ate in the most animated spirits, Dwight told his adventures with Ross in America and how he mended his face after he was injured. Demelza flinched when she heard the story and touched her face in shock when Dwight talked about Ross getting hurt. Ross observed the new couple, how Caroline looked at Dwight when he was talking, the glances they shared and the smiles playing in their lips whenever the other was talking.
Having a couple in love in the house was what made Ross take the decision. It wasn't that his friends reminded him of the early days with Demelza. They had never been like that. He never courted her, never dreamed or yearned for her, he never even asked for her hand... But since their wedding their lives had been amorous and passionate enough, and he missed that. He could not delayed it much longer. He would talk to her that night.
After accompanying the couple to their horses and waving good bye to them from the gate of the house, Ross went back inside. Demelza was cleaning the rest of the banquet, walking from the kitchen to the parlour carrying trays with plates and cups. She had loose her hair wich had been tied up during dinner in Caroline's honour.
Ross watched her for a few minutes trying to think the appropriate way to start the conversation.
'Everything tasted wonderful Demelza'- he said when she returned from the kitchen.
'Do you believe she liked it?'
'I'm sure she did'
'They do make such a beautiful couple'- she said with a dreamy voice.
'You think so?'
'Do you not?'
'I think she is some temperamental for him'
Demelza was cleaning the last traces of dinner from the table. Ross slowly went to stand near her.
'Though you should be a good judge of that. Since you are married to one'
He put one of his hands on her shoulder and with the other grabbed her hand.
'Leave that, Demelza. Come, sit with me for a moment'
She let him guide her to the sit near the hearth. She then realized that this was the moment when he was going to go across the line that separated them, when he was going to break the boundaries of companionship and try to become something else. He kneeled in front of her and began to speak slowly and with a low voice.
'Until recent time I didn't think I should tell you this. You see, I believe that there is certain moral etiquette, even in adultery, that prevent a man to talk about a woman to another, even when the second one turns out be the man's wife'
'Ross, you don't think I want to hear this?'- Demelza said in a wary tone.
'Yes, I think you do. I think you would be pleased'
'I don't imagine how anything you could tell me about this could please me'- it was the truth. She didn't want to know.
'Then you have very little imagination'- he put his hands in hers –'Demelza, you are so desperate to be fair, so eager to do the best with what you have, but what you have is all. Do you believe me?'
'Do I have the right to believe that?'- she quickly replied.
'Yes, you do... If what happened in may could had happened in a vacuum, without hurting anyone, I would not regret it'
'You wouldn't?'
'No, because that made me realize something that surely I should had known without the experience, and that is that who I truly love is you'
'Please Ross, I don't want you to say more than you feel'
'But it is how I feel Demelza, it is'
Ross looked at his wife, her face looked calm, the light from the fire painting strange figures in her cheeks. He could not see the turmoil inside Demelza. He couldn't see the battle in her heart, the forces collapsing between the easy, and so wanted, capitulation and the voice that scream to her 'No, it's not enough!'.
'May I ask you something Ross?'- she finally said.
'By all means'
'How did you get to this conclusion?- seeing the confusion in Ross's face she continued –' I mean, you couldn't have made any decision in only one night...'
'I don't follow you'
'I think, what I'm trying to say is that the experience couldn't had been unpleasant'
'What experience?'- he didn't understand what she was trying to say.
'Of making love with Elizabeth'
'Oh' – she caught him out of guard –'No... far from it'
'So why did you came to that conclusion? – she repeated
'I guess... I guess I was not seeking only pleasure, I think that what I was looking was something similar to what I have with you. But for me it was not there, it just wasn't there'
Demelza blinked at him and shyly smiled. Ross put his hand on his cheek as if to kiss her.
'Perhaps you didn't try enough'- she said when he leant to her.
'What do you mean?'
'Perhaps you didn't persevere, maybe if you had continued seeing her you would had found what you were looking for'- she told her husband, who seem more and more confused as she was talking.
'Are you saying that you would had wanted me continued seeing Elizabeth?'
'No Ross, that's not what I had wanted to, I would had wanted you not to go to her in the first place... what I mean is that I believe you are not being fair to her'
'Are you defending her now?'- he asked with a hint of amusement in his voice.
'No, it's just that I wouldn't like to be judged like that... although I think that I was, recently'
'I don't understand'- he said.
'Ross, I have something to tell you as well. But you must promise to listen to me'
'Go on'
'I... I had an affair with McNeil'- she blurted out
Ross stood on his feet so suddenly he almost fell.
'What?'
'It was the first weekend after your encounter with Elizabeth. You can imagine the state that I was in, for all I knew, you had just abandoned me for her...'
His left hand was now on his waist, the other ran across his forehead and back to his hair.
'I went to visit Sir Hugh Bodrugan but he wasn't in his house. Malcom was there...'
Malcom... Malcom... His hands went to fists. Ross could feel the wave of anger running through his veins, he was barely listen to her anymore.
'... we spent almost the entire morning together, talking and walking in the gardens. I let him hold my hand and be close to me, but then he started to kiss me and I... I couldn't do it'
Ross wasn't looking at her anymore, he was trying to control himself, trying to find some explanation for what she just said.
'Are you saying that all this time, every time that scoundrel came to this house...'- he was mumbling between his teeth
'Ross No! I've never even looked at him before..'
'Do you have feelings for him?- he didn't let her finish
She was so startled by his reaction that she doubt it for an instant.
'For a moment I thought that I wanted to do it...'
'For a moment?'
His tone was getting louder. He turned away from her and walked to the opposite wall, his hand still in his head.
'Yes, I wanted to do the same to you that you did to me, I wasn't thinking clearly. My husband had just left me for another woman!'
He turned to see her again.
'What happened with Elizabeth was a result of a fifteen years devotion, not some moment of madness looking for pleasure in the gardens. What other excuse can you think of to give a soldier the license of your body?!'
Rage overpowered her.
'And what about Margaret Vosper? Did you have a fifteen years devotion for her as well?'
Ross walked violently towards her knocking away a chair that stood on his way. He had never felt more anger in his entire life that is this moment.
'The only business I had with Margaret Vosper was when you were still a child. I can't promise fidelity for the time before we were married'
'Nor after'
She could see the danger man that her husband was in front of her, but she wasn't scared of him, in any case she could have confront him as an equal.
'Ross, if you would just listen to me instead of getting all angry. I thought I should tell you, maybe I should have done it before, I don't like to be dishonest and after what you said to me... Nothing really happened, I hope you are satisfied with that because I'm sure he wasn't'
'How would I know what kind of satisfaction he had?'
'Oh Ross, what a horrible thing to say! That you think that I... I...'
'I don't know what to think anymore'
Her whole world collapsed. Everything was over. The night had started so well and he had said just the right things. But then she needed to test it, and now everything was in ruins. She ran away from the room.
