Dangerous Game
Author's Note: Internet drama-so, at work I'm blocked from all the fun stuff on the internet but I skirt by that with web proxy. Unfortunately I can't upload chapters onto with the web proxy. *insert multitude of swears*. I hate everything right now. Oh! A piece of candy!
"Put the phone down!" Ivy yelled as Selina hurled a corner in her new Jaguar XKR convertible. Bruce had bought it for her since she refused to let Alfred drive her on her little road trip, and had also refused his cars.
"I don't need to put the phone down, I need to find an ashtray," Selina hissed back as she tried to hold her cigarette out the window. "Sorry hon, what did you say?" she asked Bruce over the phone.
"What is going on?" he asked back.
"Oh, I'm trying to smoke but I can't leave the window open more than a crack otherwise it's too noisy and I'm trying not to ash all over the interior. Ivy is having a panic attack because I crossed the line a couple of times…"
"Oncoming traffic!" Harley yelled from the backseat.
"Damn it!" Selina pulled over and slammed on the brakes. "Anyway, I should be back before too late. Then I'm just having one quick one with the girls and I'll be home."
"Why are you smoking?" Bruce asked.
"Old habit. I always smoke when I drive. I'll talk to you later, love you." Selina snapped the phone closed and gave a look to the other two girls. "Happy?"
Ivy glared at her. "Excuse me for not wanting to die."
"You were never in any danger. I'm a good driver."
"When was the last time you actually drove?" Harley asked.
"Did I drive Eddie's car the night we stole it?"
Ivy and Harley exchanged a look. "Doesn't count," Ivy told her.
"Pish posh." And with that, they were back on the road.
Joker sat on the couch staring at the baby boy on his floor. He wasn't sure how it had happened, again, but somehow he got stuck with the kid. He replayed the morning again in his mind.
First, Holly had shown up with the little brat. "Here you be," she had said.
Then Harley pouted and replied "Oh shit. I forgot I was going to babysit. The girls and I had plans to go to the mall in Metropolis."
"Oh no," Holly whined.
"I have an idea Holls, Mistah J can babysit."
That is where everything fell apart. Now he was spending the day with Bobby instead of planning his baby room. Bobby grabbed his toes and fell backward. "Learn to balance kid," Joker corrected.
Bobby rolled over and gave him a look that Joker swore said, shut up. He opened his mouth to add to the argument but his phone began to ring. "You got off easy this time kid."
He looked at the caller ID and grimaced. Harvey. "Ahoy hoy!" he said.
"We need to talk," Harvey replied.
"It was Brucie."
"What?"
"If I'm in trouble, then it was Brucie," Joker explained.
"You're not in trouble. I just need to talk to you. Meet me for a drink?"
"It's 10 am and I can't leave. I have Bobby."
"Your hostage can't wait?" Harvey asked.
"Bobby isn't a hostage, he's Holly's nephew."
"Oh right. Shit. Can I come over then?"
Joker sighed. "I don't know if I'm allowed to have boys over while I'm babysitting Harv. Maybe we can talk in study hall."
"Damn it clown!" Twoface growled through the phone.
"Why hello stranger." Joker smiled. "Haven't seen you around."
"Coming over and bringing Bruce." He hung up.
Joker put the phone back on the table stuck his tongue out. "Spoil sport." He rubbed the bridge of his nose and tried to think how this day could get any worse and that's when he noticed Bobby was gone. "Fuck. Me."
Holly walked into the Iceberg to work on next week's schedule. She had a couple days where she and Scarlet were scheduled together and she couldn't bare the thought of it. She imagined the girl was more than angry with her and she wanted to avoid conflict. Unfortunately fate had other plans. Scarlet was walking out of Oswald's office with a sad look on her face.
"Hi," Holly said tentatively.
"I quit," Scarlet replied plainly.
"Look, Scar, this whole Eddie thing is…"
"Eddie and I are still together. This has nothing to do with that. I just can't work here anymore." Scarlet pushed past her and walked out the door.
Holly continued into Oswald's office to get the full story. "Mr. Cobblepot, I don't mean to be nosey but did Scarlet really just quit?"
Oswald sat behind his desk with his long cigarette holder hanging out of his mouth. He looked like someone had just punched him in the gut.
"Are you ok?" she asked taking a seat on the opposite side of the desk.
"She quit."
"Yeah, but she can't be gone gone."
"She doesn't want to work here and be reminded of…things," he explained.
"I don't understand."
He took a deep breath, held it, and then let it out quickly. "I've always been able to trust you, I hope that still stands."
"Of course."
"I accidentally had relations with Scarlet the other night."
"I'm sorry," Holly said. "I don't know how you 'accidentally' have sex with someone. Did you fall on top of her and it slipped in?"
Oswald gave her a death glare. "Things just got out of hand."
Holly shook her head. "Why is everyone so messed up? You clearly like her and she clearly likes you. Do something about it. Tell her! Sleep with her properly for god's sake!"
"Well aren't you the pot calling the kettle black?"
She stood up and started for the door. "Mr. Cobblepot, I have stood by silently and listened to your bullshit for I don't even know how long. I've kept your secrets, helped you, and held my tongue the whole time. But now, I'm not holding back anymore. Fuck you." She walked out.
"Are you still coming in tonight?" he called after her.
"Yeah."
"I've lost little Bobby son of a bitch!" Joker cried as Bruce and Harvey stepped into the penthouse.
"I don't think you're supposed to call a baby a son of a bitch," Harvey replied.
"Who the hell gave you a baby and how did you lose him?" Bruce asked.
"Harley passed him off to me again and he was here one minute, I got on the phone with you," he explained pointing a finger at Harvey, "and then he was gone! Poof!"
"He's a baby. He couldn't have gotten far," Bruce assured him.
"Right," Joker sighed.
"Do you feel a breeze?" Harvey asked.
"Oh, the bedroom window is opened," Joker answered.
All three men looked at each other and then ran for the bedroom.
"How do you lose a baby?" Dick asked as he paced Holly's living room.
"I didn't lose crap. Joker lost the baby. I just haven't found the baby yet," Bruce explained.
"Don't' pin this on me pal!" Joker yelled.
Dick pulled the phone away from his ear and shook his head. "Look…"
"Hey babe, I'm home," Holly called as she walked in the door.
"Shit." Dick ran for the bedroom and closed the door. "Holly's back."
Bruce's eyes went wide and Harvey and Joker stared at him. "Holly's back," he told them.
"I need to get out of town," Joker cried.
"Did you guys check the whole apartment? Cupboards, drawers, closet, the works?"
"Yes," Bruce replied.
"I don't know what you want me to do."
"Come over and help!" Joker yelled through the phone.
"Ok, get the clown a xanax and I'll be right over." Dick shoved the phone in his pocket and walked back into the living room.
"What was all that?" Holly asked.
"Nothing, just…I can't even begin to explain. You're back early though."
"Yeah. Scarlet quit and then Mr. Cobblepot was all messed up. It ended with me walking out and the F-word." She plopped down onto the couch. "I still have to work tonight."
"So you're not picking up Bobby anytime soon?" Dick questioned.
"Don't tell me you want a baby now too."
"Nope. I need to go now." Dick slid his shoes on and bolted for the door.
"Weirder and weirder."
"So, no one thought to look under the coffee table?" Dick asked as he bounced Bobby on his knee.
"Well who knew he could fit under there?" Joker snapped.
"Dude! I fit under there!"
Joker snatched the baby out of Dick's hands and carried him into the kitchen. He pulled a bottle out of the fridge and popped it into the microwave. "I was panicked. I wasn't thinking clearly. The question is, why didn't those two look under there?"
"I assumed you looked under the table," Bruce replied.
"Ivy's cheating on me with Ra's Al Ghul," Harvey sighed.
"Bullshit!" Joker cried.
"Can we not swear in front of the kid?" Dick pleaded.
"Oh he doesn't understand what I'm saying."
Harvey took a seat on the couch and buried his face in his hands. "She was getting calls and texts from him all night long."
"That doesn't mean anything," Bruce assured him.
"Jack, where was Harley last night?" Harvey asked.
"In bed with yours truly."
"She told me she was out with the girls."
Bruce, Dick, and Joker exchanged looks.
"She doesn't know I know yet. I'm not going to tell her either. I'm just going to let it run its course and fizzle out."
Ivy scrolled though her text messages and grimaced.
"Cute face," Harley joked.
"He knows," Ivy sighed.
"Who knows what?" Selina asked.
"Harvey, he knows about Ra's. I left my phone at home last night and he said he didn't look at anything but I have a text here from Ra's from last night that was opened and I know I didn't see it."
"He didn't say anything?" Harley asked in disbelief.
"He's probably hoping she'll fess up," Selina told her.
"Well, he doesn't know that I know that he knows," Ivy stated.
"And what does that mean?"
"It means that I'm just going to wait until he says something and act like I have no clue he knows," Ivy explained.
"What happens when he knows that you know that he knows?" Harley questioned.
"Well, I would know that he knows that I know that he knows so I still have the upper hand."
"What happens when Ra's knows that Harvey knows?" Selina asked.
"Nothing, until Harvey knows that Ra's knows that Harvey knows. Then it's a cluster fuck."
"Oh yeah," Harley said sarcastically. "That's when things get tricky."
"So what's the plan?" Joker asked as he tried to shove a bottle into Bobby's mouth.
"I don't know," Harvey sighed.
"Jesus! Have you ever fed a baby?" Dick grabbed the bottle from Joker and gently put it up to Bobby's mouth. "Nice and easy."
"Since when are you father of the year?" Joker hissed.
"I'm not but I know you don't smash a bottle into a baby's face until he takes it. Basic common sense."
"Can we not argue about the baby and focus on Harvey's problem?" Bruce pleaded.
"Kick his ass," Joker suggested.
"Quit swearing in front of the baby!" Dick cried.
"Shut up!" Twoface growled.
"Welcome back again," Joker laughed. "There's your solution. Harvey needs to take the backseat. He's been driving too long and is too tired to stay on the road. Twoface is rested up and ready to take on the next half of the drive."
"Nice analogy," Dick said.
"I have my moments."
Twoface cracked his knuckles and smiled.
"I've been calling you for an hour!" Harley yelled through the phone.
"Well I've been taking care of a baby!" Joker yelled back.
Selina and Ivy shook their heads.
"Is the baby still alive?" Harley asked.
"Yes. I can take care of a baby," Joker told her. He looked over and Bobby was crawling across the counter toward the sink. Joker bit his lip to keep from yelling at the kid and ran over and plucked him off the counter. Bobby giggled as Joker swung him over his shoulder. "It's a piece of cake really."
Harley frowned. "Fine. We're on our way back but we're going out for a drink so you get the bundle of joy for a few more hours."
"Good. Having all kinds of fun." Bobby stuck his pacifier in Joker's ear and giggled when he growled and threw it across the kitchen.
"What was that?"
"Nothing!" Joker lied.
"If you can't handle it…"
"I'm just peachy! You go out with the girls. First round's on me."
"If you insist." Harley hung the phone up and sighed.
"How's he doing?" Selina asked.
"He says he's good and everything is fine. Stupid kid. The one good baby in the world and I found him."
Dick sat at the kitchen counter in Wayne manor poking his jello with a spoon. Tim sat next to him poking his own jello.
"You two should do something productive," Alfred told them.
"Like what?" Tim asked.
"I don't know. Maybe go to dinner," Alfred suggested.
"We're eating jello," Dick whined.
"Jello does not a meal make," Alfred corrected.
"It does when you're a grown man."
Alfred pulled the bowls away from them and put them in the fridge. "Ask Master Bruce if he would like to go with you."
"We could go to the Iceberg," Tim offered.
Dick cocked his eyebrow and gave Tim a look.
"What? They have good food."
"The girls are having a girls' night."
"They always seem to be having a girls' night," Barbara said as she rolled into the kitchen.
Dick smoothed his hair with his hand and gave her a big grin. "Long time no see."
"Yeah, well, you've been busy with Holly," she replied.
"So how's Cookie?" Dick asked.
"It's Chip and we broke up. Bruce didn't tell you?"
"We don't gossip."
"Bullocks!" Alfred grumbled.
Barbara hid her smile behind her hand and stifled a laugh.
"Anyway," Dick glared at Alfred, "sorry to hear that."
"Liar," Barbara joked.
Bruce walked into the kitchen and pulled a bowl of jello out of the fridge. "Hello Barbara. I didn't hear the doorbell."
Barbara held up a set of keys. "You gave me a key, remember?"
"I was just telling the boys you should all go get some dinner," Alfred told him.
"Have fun," Bruce said.
Alfred rolled his eyes and smacked the bowl out of Bruce's hands.
"Did Alfred just bitch slap the jello?" Dick asked.
"Eat a proper meal!" Alfred cried.
"I could go for some food," Barbara interjected.
"To the Iceberg then?" Tim asked.
Eddie, Scarlet, Johnny, and Sage all sat a table in the corner at the Iceberg. Eddie had objected to having their double date there but Scarlet insisted it would be a fun a night. "Everyone will be glad to see Johnny," she told him.
So far the evening hadn't been all that bad. Dinner was good, the conversation pleasant, and Sage was quite the breath of fresh air. She was polite, well mannered, and intelligent. The only problem was, Eddie could swear he had seen her before but he couldn't figure out where.
"What's that idiot doing here?" Dick asked as he, Barbara, Tim, and Bruce took their seats at the neighboring table.
"Well, this is the Iceberg Lounge run by a former Rogue. Edward Nigma is a Rogue ergo, he's at the Iceberg. Appears he's also on a double date with," Bruce squinted, "yep, that looks like Jonathan Crane and the girl Selina and I saw him with."
"Why are you all pissy with the Riddler?" Barbara asked.
"He told Holly he loved her."
"What did she say?"
"She blew it off but it still pisses me off. I don't go around telling his girlfriend I love her," Dick explained.
"You would if you did," Barbara replied.
"Would not! She's with him, that's just low."
"Children," Bruce warned.
"Why is my boyfriend here?" Selina asked.
Harley peered around until she spotted Bruce's table. "It looks like a family dinner."
"You going to go say hi?" Ivy questioned.
"Hell no. It's my night off," Selina joked.
Ivy scanned the room to see who else was there. When her eyes found the bar, she nearly fainted. "Ra's is here!" All three of them ducked under the table.
"What do we do?" Harley asked.
"I don't know but this looks a little suspicious,' Selina replied.
Ivy got back into her seat, followed by Selina, and then Harley. "We just sit here and act casual. He won't come over."
"He won't?" Harley asked.
"I hope not."
Holly sauntered over to the Wayne table and kissed Dick, roughly. When she pulled away she made sure she caught Barbara's eye. "Hey babe," she cooed.
"Hey Holls," Dick replied somewhat starstruck.
"I didn't know you were going to be here."
"Last minute decision," Tim told her.
"Harley's over there," Holly said pointing at Ivy's table.
"I should go say hi." Before anyone could stop him he was gone.
"Like a dog with a bone," Bruce sighed.
"Hi Barbara, I didn't see you over there," Holly lied.
"It's nice to see you Holly."
"Dick hasn't talked about you in awhile. Where've you been?"
"Oh, you know, work, boyfriend, the like," Barbara replied as nicely as she could.
"Yeah, WE'VE been pretty busy too." Emphasis on the "we've".
Dick looked to Bruce for help but there was nothing he could do. Stepping in now would be like stepping into the lion's den.
"So I heard," Barbara replied through gritted teeth.
"Can I get everyone a drink?" Holly asked.
"I'll take a scotch," Dick said.
"Just a coke for me," Bruce told her.
"Can you make mine a double?" Dick asked.
"I'll have a coke too," Barbara added.
"Be back in a flash."
"Hey Harley," Tim said cheerfully as he bounced up to the table.
"Timmy!" Harley cried giving him a big hug.
Selina gave Ivy a smirk and shook her head. "Nice to see you too Tim."
"Oh, sorry, hi Selina, Ivy."
"Hi Tim," Ivy laughed.
"Having dinner with the family?" Selina asked.
"Yeah. We were eating jello but Alfred bitch slapped it so we went and got dinner."
"Your butler bitch slapped your jello?" Harley asked.
"Yep. It was weird."
"This is why I don't have a butler," Ivy joked.
"Is that Barbara over there?" Selina asked.
"Yeah, she came over before the jello slap."
"Oh boy," Selina sighed.
"What?" Ivy asked.
"Oh, just watch what happens."
Holly returned to the table carrying a tray of drinks. "I grabbed the little one a cherry coke too." She sat them on the table and when she got to Barbara's she dumped it in her lap. "Oh my god! I am so sorry."
"Yeah, I bet," Barbara hissed.
"Excuse me?"
"I have a feeling there is no excuse," Barbara replied.
"Look bitch…" But before Holly could finish that thought, Twoface burst through the door and lunged for Ra's Al Ghul.
"Oh my god!" Ivy yelled as she got up from the table and made a beeline for the bar with Selina and Harley close behind.
"I'll kill you!" Twoface growled as he punched Ra's in the face repeatedly.
"Harvey stop!" Ivy pleaded trying to pull him off Ra's. He only flung her back like a ragdoll.
Bruce and Eddie sprang up from their tables and threw themselves into the fray. Both grabbed one of Harvey's arms and pulled him back.
"Easy big guy," Eddie said as he struggled to hold him back.
"You son of a bitch!" Twoface yelled.
Ra's picked himself up off the bar and wiped his face on his sleeve. "I understand you are mad."
"No, I'm not mad I'm pissed!" Twoface pulled his arms free of Bruce and Eddie but didn't go after Ra's again. Instead he turned around to face Ivy who was standing between Harley and Selina cradling her arm. "How could you?"
Ivy started to cry. She didn't know what else to do.
"Are you alright?" Ra's asked.
Twoface turned back to him and pulled his fist back for another blow but Ivy grabbed his arm.
"Please, just take me home," she begged.
Harvey took control again and dropped his fist. "Let's go."
"What the hell was that?" Dick asked no one in particular.
Barbara looked up at Holly who was still distracted with the scene and gave her push, knocking her down. As Holly fell, she grabbed a handful of Barbara's hair and dragged her down too. Dick looked down at the floor where the two girls were wrestling with each other.
"Seriously?" he asked looking up at the ceiling.
Selina, Harley, and Bruce were at the table in a flash pulling the girls apart. Selina and Harley got a handle on Holly while Bruce slung Barbara over his shoulder.
"Enough!" Bruce growled. "What is going on tonight?"
"Wow! What a night! First in our nightly roundup, Johnny Crane is alive and kicking…with a girl! That would be Dr. Sage Monroe from good ol' Arkham Asylum. Is she taking a stroll down Harley Quinn Lane? Hmmm. And at the Iceberg, Harvey Dent takes a swing at Ra's Al Ghul. Apparently it was over Miss Ivy. Seems like she was tending to her garden somewhere else. Wink wink. Our second WWF Smackdown of the evening came from mild-mannered Holly Spungeon. Seems she didn't like Dick's buddy Barbara tagging along for dinner. Night!"
Joker snapped the phone closed with wide eyes. Having to babysit sucked. He missed all the good stuff. Harley came in the door with Alice right behind her.
"I come to reclaim Bobby," Alice chirped.
"Take him," Joker replied passing the baby.
"Thanks. It should be the last time you have to watch him."
"It was no trouble," Joker lied.
"Peace out." Alice held up the peace sign and bounced out.
"Looks like I missed all the good stuff," Joker teased gesturing toward his phone.
"Oh my god it was crazy," Harley sighed sliding off her shoes.
"Is Harvey ok?"
"I don't even know. He came in, threw down with Ra's, shoved Ivy, and then they left."
"Is Ivy ok?"
Harley plopped down next to him on the couch. "Look at you caring."
"She isn't my favorite person but I don't want her thrown through a wall either."
"She was more upset than hurt."
Joker cuddled up next to Harley and nuzzled her neck. "I missed you."
She smiled. "I missed you too Pudd…"
Before she could finish, Joker sneezed in her face.
"Wow that was hot," Harley said sarcastically. "Is this cake?" she asked wiping her face.
"Cupcake," Joker replied. "I was eating one and Bobby shoved it up into my nose. Possibly as payback fro trying to shove a bottle up his."
"Beautiful. And you still want a baby?"
"Abso-fucking-lutely," Joker answered. Truth was, he wasn't so sure anymore. Having a baby ended up being more work than he was prepared for.
