This chapter is a little longer- one of my longest so far!! I have one more chapter complete after this one, and am still working on Chapter 11. I love this chapter. I think it might be my favorite so far! Hope you all enjoy. Don't forget to review when you are done!
Love me always, love me always. You have been the supreme, the perfect love of my life; there can be no other........O sweetest of all boys, most loved of all loves, my soul clings to your soul, my life is your life, and in all the world of pain and pleasure you are my ideal of admiration and joy. -Oscar Wilde
Chapter 9: Never Say Never
BPOV
I awoke to sunlight streaming through my window. At least I wouldn't have to see Edward today. I hated that I felt that way, but I wasn't ready to face him yet.
Charlie had been his usual self when I got home the night before. He checked to make sure I was okay, and then let me go up to bed. I hadn't felt like eating anything, and he didn't push the issue. Once again left alone with my thoughts, I lay staring at the ceiling for God knows how long before I finally passed out from sheer exhaustion.
Of course, he was in my dreams. He was always there. This night the dream was of my Edward. The one with the smoldering golden eyes and cold skin. It was like my mind was on automatic rewind, continually playing images of him from the last eight weeks. Edward staring at me on my first day, agreeing to test the waters of friendship, sitting across from me at lunch every day. And then the more recent memories. Edward asking me to meet his parents, sitting beside me, wrapping his hand around mine- saving my life. Telling me that he loved me. I woke more confused than ever, not knowing what I should believe. I still wasn't sure that I trusted his feelings for me. How could he think I was this Isabel? Sure, our name was similar, but I was Bella- no more, no less.
I got out of bed and got ready to go to school. I was relieved that he wouldn't be in school because of the weather, but I was anxious as well- it had been a while since I had to go any length of time without seeing him. I wouldn't even have Alice to talk to. It was going to be a very long day.
When the day finally came to an end, I headed back home, hoping to be able to keep my mind occupied and off of Edward. I was being a coward, I knew, by not just dealing with my feelings and everything I had learned. I could handle the vampire thing- I knew he would never physically hurt me. But I could never deal with being his second choice. He was my first choice, my only choice, and I wanted the same in return.
Charlie arrived home after work, and I greeted him with a homemade meal of steak and potatoes with vegetables- his favorite. I was kind of sucking up for not being around much the last couple of days. My little accident yesterday had really upset him, and I decided I should do something nice. Luckily for me, Charlie was easy to please. He helped me clean up the dinner dishes, and I was soon saying my goodnights. He stayed behind to catch the game on TV, and I headed upstairs.
Sleep found me quickly, and I was once again dreaming of Edward. This time, I was back to the original dream. Walking with the green-eyed Edward through the park. There was something about this dream that was bothering me- something I had never noticed before, but I couldn't figure out exactly what it was. I felt like I had been there before- not just in my sleep, but for real. It was impossible, I knew, but I couldn't shake the feeling.
Friday turned out to be more of the same. Another sunny day in Forks. Another day without Edward. I knew he wouldn't seek me out after my request for time. I would have to make the first move, but I knew I wasn't ready. I was feeling more lost than ever.
I decided to spend my free time after school doing a little research on Chicago. My nighttime visions of Edward had left me curious, and I needed to dig a little deeper. So, I started my internet search looking for any old newspaper clippings trying to come up with anything that looked familiar. It wasn't long before I heard the sound of raindrops on the roof. At least some things were back to normal. I headed down to the kitchen to grab a snack before continuing with my research. Just as I was reaching into the fridge to grab a Coke, I heard a knock on the front door. I don't know what I was expecting when I reached out to open it, but it certainly wasn't the beautiful blonde vampire that was standing on the porch.
"Hello, Bella. May I come in?" I had never even spoken to her before. I couldn't imagine what she could possibly have to say to me now. "I'm sure that I am the last person you expected to see on your doorstep," she spoke carefully. "I'm very sorry if I'm interrupting anything."
"No, you're not interrupting me. Please, come in and have a seat." I was nervous around her, not because I was scared of her, but because she was his sister. She had to have known everything that had been going on with us. "I'm assuming that you're here to talk about Edward?"
"I'm sorry, Bella. I usually try not to interfere in Edward's life- it makes things much easier between us. But, I feel that there are things you need to know about him, about what he's been through, before you make any kind of decision." She was watching me intently, for some sign that I might reject her attempt to plead her brother's case. She found none.
"It's alright, Rosalie. Say what you came to say."
"He's not crazy, Bella. I know it must seem unfathomable- the things he told you about your connection to him, but you shouldn't rush to judge him."
"I'm not judging him. I'm just- confused." How would I make her understand when I didn't understand myself? "I have all these feelings, and they get all jumbled up with my dreams, and I'm not sure what's real anymore."
"I know that you love him- anyone who's seen you look at him could tell you that much. And he loves you, too. Don't doubt that." She seemed so sure- I wish I had her faith. "I've known him for a long time- almost as long as Esme and Carlisle have. I met him just after you returned the first time. He was depressed, to say the least- none of us thought he would ever recover. It's really not my story to tell. Maybe someday you'll let him share it with you.
It's happened more than once, you see. And each time we watched him dig his way back out of his pain. But it's different this time, Bella. You know, he's never called you Isabel- always Bella. In the past he always referred to you as Isabel. He may believe that you are his soul mate, but he knows who you are, separate from her."
"Rosalie-" I interjected, "how is this supposed to help me? I feel more mixed up than ever."
"I'm not sure, I just- Bella, he's practically catatonic. He's broken. He hasn't risen from the floor in his room since Wednesday night. The only person he'll even remotely respond to is Esme, and he won't even speak to her. I've never seen him like this."
"I'm not sure I'm ready to face him," I whispered. My resolve was crumbling, but I was still too cowardly to deal with the things he had told me.
"I know that. And I don't blame you. I just want you to know," she said, handing me a piece of paper with a phone number on it, "that when you are ready, you can call me anytime, day or night, and I will take you to him."
I sat staring at the slip of paper in my fingers, not knowing what to do or say. "Thank you," was all I could manage.
"Your welcome. I haven't always been very understanding where Edward is concerned, but he is my family, and I do believe that you will be as well, someday." She smiled softly at me before turning to walk out the door.
I was in the middle of the forest. Everything around me was covered in the lush, green moss I had grown accustomed to in Forks. There were five different versions of Edward standing before me, all with different types of hunger in their eyes. I recognized the green-eyed and red-eyed Edwards from my previous dreams, but the others were all new to me. The three new Edwards all had the same topaz eyes I had come to love, but they were all very different in their style of dress. One wore a sweater and slacks with his button-up; another wore the black and white "mod" look from the sixties; the third was dressed in tight blue jeans and an acid washed denim jacket. None of the five was my Edward. Just as that thought occurred to me, he stepped out of the tree line just beyond the others. He walked slowly forward, with his hands up in front of him, as if I were a crazed animal he was approaching.
"Bella, love," he said softly, "please don't be afraid. I promise I won't hurt you." His eyes were pleading; full of an emotion I couldn't quite place in my confused state.
"Edward, I don't understand any of this."
"I know, love. I wish there was a way to explain that would make it easier." We stood, staring at each other, the electricity flickering between us like lightning. "Bella, there is someone here who wishes to speak with you." I still felt a little disoriented, when suddenly, all of the Edwards disappeared from my sight, and a soft, glowing light floated out to greet me from between the tall trees.
As the light came closer, it also started to concentrate, from a soft glow to a very bright pinpoint of white light. And suddenly, there was a person in front of me. Someone I had not laid eyes on in a very long time. "Gran? Is that you?" She had been gone for six years, but my Grandma Marie Swan was now standing right in front of me.
"Yes, child. It's me. I have missed you so." I was struck dumb- she was here with me and there was so much I wanted to say, but the words would not come. "My dear, I can see how conflicted you are about your thoughts and feelings. Can you tell me what is troubling you?" She had always known me so well.
"Gran, there is so much. I love him so much. I've never felt like this before, and I'm not sure if I can trust in it. I'm not sure that it is me that he really wants." The words were tumbling from my lips without my control. I only hoped she would understand.
"Bella, child. The answers you seek are right in front of you. Only you can find them. I love you, my dear. Have faith- you will find the right path." And then, just like that, she was gone.
I awoke with a start, sitting straight up in my bed. I could still hear her voice ringing in my ears- The answers you seek are right in front of you. Only you can find them. What had she meant? I looked at my clock- four in the morning. Ugh. I could hear Charlie fumbling around in the bathroom. Another early day at the office for him. I decided to go downstairs and start some coffee. He would want some before he left, and I really didn't think I would be going back to sleep anytime soon.
When Charlie came down, I was already sitting at the table with a fresh cup in my hands. The warmth felt nice, and I took a sip, as I motioned to Charlie that the coffee was ready for him. He poured a cup for himself, and sat across from me. "What are you doing up so early, Bells?"
"Couldn't sleep. I had the strangest dream. Gran was in it." I hadn't even thought about her in weeks. Not since Edward had appeared in my life. How ironic that he was the one who brought her to me in my dream.
"That's funny. I was just thinking about her myself. You know, I still have that box of stuff she left for you. It's in the hall closet on the top shelf." I had forgotten about that box. The first few months after she died, I had gone through it regularly.
"Thanks, dad. I think I'll get it out and have a look. I haven't been through it all in a while."
"Have a good day, sweetie," he said, excusing himself from the table. "I'm headed down to Billy's after work to watch the game, so I may not be home till after supper. Is that alright? You won't be too bored will you?"
"No, dad. Have fun- tell Billy and Jake I said hi." I finished my cup of coffee as he headed out the door. I poured myself another, and headed upstairs to retrieve Gran's gift to me.
Setting my coffee down on my bedside table, I went back out into the hall and got down Gran's box from the shelf where Charlie had left it for me. It had been about four years since the last time I had opened it, but everything inside still looked the same. Love letters that she and Gramps had written each other early in their relationship, pictures of family. She had left me all of her most treasured items- things that she knew would be as valuable to me as they had been to her. I read a few of the letters- it always touched my heart to see the love that my grandparents had had for each other- before sorting through a few of the pictures of my dad as a boy. In the very bottom of the box, was another, small wooden box that I had never taken the time to look through before. The top was engraved with the name Charlotte- my great-grandmother. I pulled out this new treasure and slowly ran my fingers across the top. I had the strangest sensation, as if some strange sort of gravity was pulling me in to this moment of time.
I opened the small wooden box carefully, and nearly stopped breathing. She had been correct. All the answers I needed were right at my fingertips- I only needed to know where to look. I reached for the phone on my nightstand, and grabbed the slip of paper that Rosalie had handed me the previous afternoon. My hands were trembling as I tried to dial her number. "Rosalie?" I replied, when she answered the phone. "Can you come and get me? I need to see him, NOW."
