Recess was just about over. I eyed the wall clock with growing despair per tick. Will she come?
I mustered up the courage to ask her out and it had to turn out like this. I eyed the clock again showing the few minutes left before we all return to class. Every minute that passes make me slowly accept that she won't show up at all. Regrets are now soon piling up one by one starting with the effort I did last night talking to myself to make sure I'll speak right or the amount of effort I had to do to create that letter, making sure the writing is legible and the grammar correct, I even double, no triple checked if all punctuations marks are correctly placed. Not to mention the extra carefulness I did in placing that note neatly in her desk.
Despair settles in my mind, numerous scenarios on why she didn't appear now buzz in my head like flies. What if the letter got lost and she never got to read it. I tried to recall if I placed the note securely in her desk. I'm sure I did but I can't be absolutely sure it stayed there and she got to read it. Thinking back maybe I should have stayed but well out of sight just to make sure she was able to see the note if I wasn't already too embarrassed plus the fact that I needed to get away as fast as possible just in case someone saw me do it. Wait, maybe someone did see me do it and that someone took the note and read it. My knees almost gave out with just the thought of everybody finding out what I did. The gossip would rage on for days and I wouldn't be able to show my face ever again. Maybe that's why she still hadn't shown up on time or maybe she just doesn't want to show up. I mean who would seriously show up with a letter coming from me.
Before my mind got cluttered with more possible situations that led to this, all doubts burdening me lifted off when she finally came in to view. Her pristine eyes looked around before stopping short in my direction. By then I knew it. It wasn't by chance that she just happened to pass by accident. She came to see me.
"Ka-Kasumi-chan"
I slowly opened my eyes and my mind is at unease.
I flinched at first sight trying to slowly adjust to the daylight coming inside the room. I tried to sit up but my body felt more heavy than usual. My mind felt groggy like it hadn't rest at all. I thought about the dream I had still trying to make out what was it about but the longer I think the more I forgot about it until I lost interest.
I rubbed my head, stood up and prepare myself for today.
Two figures sat adjacent at the table in the middle room. There was a sleepy young child yawning quietly and in front of her was a slender figure that looks like an adult version of the was in the process of drinking her tea. When I saw her face I couldn't help but recall her serene expression under starlight last night. I push down the thought before someone notices my pause and proceeded forward.
Yukino noticed me then gently puts down her teacup to greet me.
"Good morning."
"Oh, Good morning." followed the little girl with less enthusiasm after noticing my presence then proceeded to close her eyes again.
"Good morning" I reply back with my usual tone
"Would you like me to prepare you a cup of tea?" Yukino offered
"This early? I prefer coffee."
"Coffee then."
She stood up and headed to the counter. I sat near the table to join them while she finishes preparing. Rumi on my side couldn't help but yawn again and rub her eyes still with a dreamy expression as if she's not yet ready for the day to start.
"Did you have trouble sleeping last night?"
"I had trouble falling asleep I dink I slept late. I jusd coodn stay still…"she replied eating some of the words
This is the first instance that this has happened. We hadn't seen any sleep problem's back at Yukino's apartment. Could this be a manifestation of the accident somewhat? Then again this is the first time she slept on her own since there is enough room for all of us here. Perhaps she just needs to get used to sleeping alone in her own room. Now that I recall I didn't have a good sleep last night. I keep thinking back of that dream but the details about it still eludes me. I felt like somehow it's real and it happened before.
Before I could ponder some more Yukino walked back to us with steaming cup in her hand. She walked to my direction and slowly placed the cup of coffee in front of me with care.
"Careful it's hot" She reminded before sitting at her own chair.
"I see… thanks."
She's unusually nice to me today. Hmmm, now that I think about she had been acting less cold to everyone lately especially me. Maybe the situation forced her to adapt to a more motherly role. I wonder if she'll return to her former self after all this. I wonder have I also… Well best not to think too much about this. At least I'm somehow benefitting from the situation. It will make my life a lot easier if she continued to act like this from now on.
"Rumi if you're still sleepy you can continue to rest at your room." Yukino stated taking notice of the drowsy girl.
"No No I'm awake I'm just trying to rub my eyes. I want to help with the preparation for our picnic today."
"It's fine to rest for a few more minutes we can handle the preparation ourselves."
"No, I insist, I'm wide awake now." The little girl stood up trying her best to persuade.
"You might as well allow her. It's hard to argue when she's this persistent. " I interject so we won't need to further dwell on the matter.
"Alright the two of us will prepare the food" Yukino answered confirming to Rumi.
Rumi smiled back, happy that she gets to help.
"But Hachiman don't think you've talked your way out of responsibility here. You'll be carrying the baskets."
"I'm not making excuses. I'm fine with holding the baskets for the trip in the first place." I retorted.
With the tasks divided we continued our day.
We walked across the field with no exact direction in mind.
The gentle breeze whispers in my ears. I can't help but feel like it's our own solemn music complementing us with our stroll.
I breathed deeply filling my lungs with country air which felt so clean compared to the cities. I notice my company couldn't help but share my enjoyment with the environment. Rumi despite trying to act behave couldn't help but walk ahead of us excited with every step.
We stop on a spot to settle with our picnic. Yukino took the basket from my arms to prepare our meal. I offered to help but she refused saying that I've done enough by carrying it. I didn't argue and waited till it's done. We sat at the blanket careful not to dirty our clothes.
The weather couldn't have been more perfect for today. It wasn't too hot compared to recent days and Clouds spread wide across the sky blocking out the sun. I felt my body relax and my eyes drop. It was a nice time for a nap. I looked around and someone is ahead of me already. Rumi is lying down with her head resting on Yukino's thigh. In a few moments her breathing relaxed and she quickly slumbered continuing what her body wanted to do this early morning. I lied down and relaxed. I opened my eyes to see the sky was as vast as ever. Clouds ranging from Puffs of white balls and feathery blankets scatter above and stretched as far as I could see. I watch them move slowly guided by the wind.
I turn my head around, my eyes stop at Yukino's direction. Her eyes buried in the book she brought along. Every once in a while her head will lift up and stare the scène across her. A gust of wind sweeps across the land. Grass sway gently out in the field. Her long hair gently flutters against the wind. She remains to look out into the open field instead of continuing her reading. Her face is almost devoid of noticeable expression save for a small smile. She looked the same as last night gazing longingly at the stars.
In a moment she turned around and our eyes met. It didn't last for a second and we instinctively looked away. She held her book to cover her face and I turned my head opposite of her.
"Please stop staring at me with those eyes." She said in an icy tone
"I was just admiring the view… wait don't take that the wrong way, I meant the surroundings which you just happen to be in the scene too."
She didn't reply but stared at me suspiciously doubting my excuse. After a while she then continued to read again and I turned around to not make that same mistake.
I closed my eyes allowing my mind and body to relax.
"Hachiman, are you enjoying your stay here?" She asked.
"I am." I replied
"Why do you ask?" I added to continue the conversation.
"No reason really, Well I do have a question and I want to hear your opinion about it."
"Go ahead and ask."
"Suppose you're happy right now, you're content with the way things are, but then you find out that there's happiness far greater than that you're currently experiencing. Will you risk what you have no and try to achieve a new happiness?"
She looked at me seriously waiting for a reply. I pondered for an answer.
"If you aren't content with what you have right now then you will still not be content with what you like to have. Besides you need to weight in the risk of failure. Are you willing to lose what have right now trying to achieve an uncertain happiness?"
"Yes, I guess that's reasonable."
She answered but the look of her face tells me that she knew that I'll say the obvious and have a follow-up question.
"But what if you aren't really happy… What if the happiness you have right now is just a lie you believed in so despite a chance for a better life you wallow in what you have thinking you have everything you need when you don't."
I looked back into the sky contemplating deeply on her question. Is there an agenda as to why she's asking these question? I suddenly feel growing unease the more I deeply think about it. There's something about the questions that feels… personal.
I stopped thinking too much about it, sat up and stared at her.
"If you already believe that you're content then you can't persuade yourself otherwise. If you really want to prove that the person is missing out then someone else must prove to him that having to find that new happiness is worth the risk".
She paused to look at me.
"hehe.. hahahaha" she held her book up to cover her face and lightly chuckled, amused at my answer. She kept holding the book up until she can compose herself. I look at her with slight confusion. I don't think there's anything funny with my answer, I think.
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to laugh it's just that I was thinking too much about it… Ehem.. Yes, I suppose that would be the practical answer."
Yukino nudged Rumi to wake up. We packed our belongings and made sure that we didn't leave any trash lying around as a courtesy to maintain the beauty of the place.
I grabbed the baskets and went on our way back to the cabin.
We didn't journey as far as I had thought as we were now almost back in just less than half an hour.
Thud!
A crashing sound pierced the silence. I looked behind me to see the source.
"Mama!" Rumi shouted with worry .
Beside her is Yukinoshita in a kneeling position trying rise up. I quickly moved back towards them to help.
"It's okay everyone I just tripped a branch. I'm fine"
"Are you sure?" I asked with concern.
"Yes just give me a moment"
She continued to stand up to prove her well being. We were right beside her ready to support just in case.
"See I'm fine I can….ahh" She tried to walk but it ended up as a limp. Her face contorted with pain once she tried to move her right foot. Rumi offered her hand to help Yukino balance and stand.
I opened the basket and laid down the blanket for her to sit
"Sit here while I check for injury" I asked also implying for permission.
She acknowledged it and sat down with Rumi's help. She took off her slippers. I crouched down to inspect her foot; there was a patch of bruised skin.
"Ouch" Yukino retorted once I held her foot.
"Sorry" I apologized before continuing to inspect her foot area.
"There doesn't seem to be a sprain so I guess the pain must be only coming from the bruise."
"See, It's not as bad as you think it is…". She then put back the slipper on.
"It's going to be painful for you to walk." I stated the fact.
"I'll endure it." She confidently declared but it was hard for both of us to ignore the wince in her face for every walk.
Rumi and I looked at each other contemplating on what to do now.
"You can go ahead I'll only slow you down…" Yukino stated aware of our worry.
"We're not gonna leave you" Rumi declared.
"I'll be alright, it's only a scratch. You can go on ahead. I'll be with you in a while.." Yukino said to comfort Rumi but she wasn't convinced.
"Papa…" Rumi looked back at me with a face that's asking for help. I sighed knowing what she means.
"I guess there's no helping it. I'll have to carry you on my back"
"What?... No…No you don't have to…" Yukino replied with surprise
I handed the baskets to Rumi to free my hand. I then knelt down with my back facing her.
"You don't have to do this. I said I'll catch up… the cabin isn't that far from here anyway... I… I don't want to be a burden" She continued to protest.
"It will only get worse if we let you walk on your own. The sooner we can get back the faster we can treat it" I try to reason with her.
Yukino still hesitated. Despite being convinced with my argument there was another reason why she doesn't want to. Her face covered in red showed that.
"Mama… please…" With Rumi's plead she finally conceded and accepted to be a passenger for the piggyback.
She wasn't as heavy as I thought she would be. In a short time I manage to balance walking in with this position while Rumi on the other hand is slightly having more problems carrying the baskets in front of me.
"Don't lean too far from me or you'll fall off." I asked her after feeling her weight continue to lean far away from me making it hard to balance walking.
She paused possibly contemplating something.
"Sorry..." She then leaned forward wrapping her arms around my neck.
Too close. Too close. I regret what I said I didn't mean for this to happen.
I could feel hear breathing close to my neck. Her warm body covers my back. Her hair would sometime bellow in front when the wind blows carrying her scent with it. I could feel her heartbeat thumping a lot faster than normal, not that I can blame her because my heart was thumping as fast as hers. It's a good thing she can't see me right now because I'm sure that my face is as red as beetroot.
After an inconvenient walk back we made it to the cabin.
Rumi settled down the baskets and went along to get the first aid kits. I gently held down Yukino to a chair behind her. She tried to stand up but I prompted her to sit back down and that we'll handle the rest for her.
"I can take care of the wound from here now. The two of you don't have to go to too much trouble for me."
"I already told you that it will only get worse if you try to move around so it's only natural for us to do this."
I then proceeded to fill a bucket with water to rinse the bruise at her feet. Rumi returned with the disinfectant and bandage in hand.
"There all done" I proclaimed
It didn't take long for me to finish cleaning and bandaging the wound. Rumi volunteered to clean up the equipment we used.
I looked at Yukino expecting her to react but didn't. She was quiet for a while and didn't respond too much recently. She must still be thinking about the effort we gave for this.
"If you're still too troubled then think of this as our thanks for the meal we had earlier. If you need anything more I'll be in my room then."
I walked to the door to my room ready to leave.
"Wait, Hachiman"
"Yes?" I turned around to face her. She fidgeted and looked down trying not to look awkward.
"Th-Thank you" she meekly stated with a hint of red on her cheeks
I stammer, surprised at what I heard from Yukinoshita herself.
"…You're welcome." I replied then quickly exited the room before she noticed my fluster because I'm not used to receiving praise.
I lay down in bed. I felt more tired than I thought as my body gave away.
How do you know the happiness you have right now is not a lie
I recall our conversation earlier. I didn't expect that it would bother me this much. There's something about it that makes me uneasy. But why?
I closed my eyes. The question left unanswered before allowing sleep to take over.
"Ka-Kasumi-chan"
She looked at me from head to toe studying my presence before her.
"uhh… uhm… Hi… Hikigaya-kun?" She spoke in a hesitating voice.
I felt my heart skip a bit. She might not be close to me, or more precisely know who I am really, but she probably heard my voice before. I looked at her radiant face and my heart begins to race. I need to strengthen my resolve if I'm to go through with this.
"I-I got a note to come here and meet you here… uhm Hikigaya-kun?" Hesitation still flows through her voice but it was expected. It's only natural if you receive a conspicuous letter.
"Ye-yes that would be me. Ah- I'm glad you came even though it looks a bit suspicious since you came to meet me without knowing why I wanted to talk to you… but- but I'm not implying your gullible or anything No… Of course not just trying to… you know ehehe…" I spoke out my thoughts rapidly and incoherently.
Damn it. I spent all night trying to sound cool yet I'm still a talking mess. Why do the gods of Rom-com have no mercy?
She stood still like a statue and looked at me with indifference. Her mouth hung open slightly trying to say a reply but no words came. I tried to talk before she could to gain the momentum I lost. I stood straight and mustered up all the confidence I have.
"Ehem… The reason I called you here is… You see… will you please… will you please go out with me… "
There I said it. A shy joyous smile came from my face after I overcame what felt like an insurmountable wall. But it's not yet over. Now comes the moment of truth.
My heart was pounding hard now, anxious to hear what she would say.
Kasumi's face looked down probably to ponder about my confession. Her body fidgets around. Once again the wind picks up. The cold breeze is making me tenser than I already am.
After what felt like an eternity she finally spoke.
"Ah… I'm sorry but I… I can't. I'm really sorry"
In span of a few words my spirit fell tumbling downwards. The confidence I had earlier was vaporized as quickly as it formed.
"Is.. is that so… okay… sorry to be a bother"
I turned my back and ran away. I heard her voice probably calling me but I ignored her in fear she might see my sour face.
Scene 1
"Hey did you hear about the confession?"
"Is it about Kasumi-chan?"
It was only a matter of time till it spread throughout the class. By the end of the next day everyone caught wind of the event and it became the passing conversation for days to come.
"Hey Kasumi-chan come on tell us all about the details"
Not even Kasumi was safe from the teasing around us. I know that she doesn't like to be the center of attention. Now it's also my fault that she ended up being the class topic for being confessed by someone like me. I could not even come near her to apologize for fear that more interaction with her will worsen the mockery.
"I heard Hikifroggy-kun confessed his love to her"
"Really? How did he croak the words out?"
"Hahahahaha"
"Hahahahaha"
The teasing worsened. What happened only fueled their desire to mock me. I walked as fast as I could to get away from everybody.
"Atteeeenshun…"
I looked up to see a familiar fat classmate, his face drawn with a smug smile and matching glass shining a reflection of light.
"Go away"
"Is that how you properly greet your comrade at arms and fellow conspirator?"
"Shut up. I'm not in the mood to talk"
"Fret not comrade I have heard your recent endeavors and as unexpected as the result was I for one imagined it to be a close battle with victory near insight but alas the dark paragod shogun have proven to be most vile and cheated you of what was rightfully yours. I humbly give you my condolence for the matter"
"Didn't you hear me? I said I don't want to talk right now" I said with more conviction
"However we, the chosen few, should never give in till we achieve what is ours by right. Don't listen to the mechanical voice of the uninitiated mass for they are lost. From dawn to dusk and dusk to dawn as long as the cycle of gaeia never cease we can still be reborn to collect the fragments of eternia to save our soul and…"
I stood up and raised my voice to its peak.
"I SAID SHUT UP"
"…
Hi- hikigaya…"
He was surprised to see me raise my voice like that, he and I both to be accurate. I looked at his face and saw a mixture of confusion and pained expression. I felt even more horrible. I didn't want to give him the same toxic treatment I've been going through. Especially to someone who only wanted to cheer me up even if it's in a non-conventional.
"Heh hehehehe, fooled you didn't I? Did you expect me to be corrupted so easily by the flocks of sheep that spits only venom? I was only acting to convince their prying eyes that I have fallen so low. I'm sorry I have to fool you too but I needed to make sure that you're not a doppelganger agent of the enemy. Once they believe this ruse and become careless I'll counterattack and have them crawling with their knees"
"Huwoooww. I knew it. I knew it. That is one amazing performance even I trembled at your mighty roar."
"Ha… Hahahaha… who do you take me for. I am darkness incarnate itself. Born from the edge of the world, he who is forsaken by the light and feared through the lands. If the world shuns me then so be it. I will burn the earth anew and become the god of the new world."
"That's the spirit, as expected of Hikigaya-kun you never fail to overcome the trial of the paragods. I, the future light novel writer Zaimokuza, is lucky to bear witness to this magnificent event of rebirth. Praises be to you oh great one"
"Of course. Who do you think I am mortal! I am the one who will surpass the paragods themselves. Record my feats for one day I will capture the heart of the fairest of them all and live my life in bliss. Muwahahaha"
"Muwahahahaha"
I ignored the part of my consciousness that steers me away from such raving talk and let it all out naturally. We laugh like a pair of lunatics.
I have never seen someone else act more of an outcast than me. There are even times when someone like me wants to ignore his rambling. Yet I smile happily despite the deviant acts.
It is at times like this that I'm glad to know someone like him. It might be insignificant to think like this but I felt comfort in this little make believe. It pushed away the sorrow I felt from all the bitter teasing I had to endure and introduced a goofy childlike joy.
That's right there's no need to cry over this. This is just my first time confessing to someone. I guess it's only normal to be rejected at least once, it can happen to anyone. I only lack a lot of things right now. If I learn more and grow to be a better person someday someone will eventually accept me for who I am. I just need to keep going and believe in myself.
…
Scene 2
Scene 3
Images flash by of times I'd rather forget.
Scene 4
"I'm sorry but I can't return your feelings... I hope you don't take this in the wrong way."
"Not at all" I replied with a smile.
Another rejection. But I'm fine. She was decent enough to answer me straight and not behind my back like everyone does. Girls aren't vending machines you put kindness coins in then expect love to come out for you. Just because you're nice to someone doesn't make you entitled to them. I just couldn't help but feel sad at what could be.
Nevertheless I need to move on.
Scene 5
Scene 6
Group work.
The teacher announces to group ourselves in five for the upcoming activity. This is the worst kind of social torture a person can inflict upon a class. I watch everyone stand up with confidence knowing who they'll approach. Everyone paired together with their clique.
The teacher scanned the classroom to see if everyone is in a group. Our eyes meet. In just that one instance I saw it in her eyes the moment she looked at me. It is Pity.
She called if any group would like to have me. No one volunteered. She's only making this worse. She then called on the nearest group and pushed me to them. I could hear the sigh of relief from the other group with not having to deal with me and around me are faces of discontent feeling somehow offended that I was put here with them.
I didn't want to be a bother to them. I really don't. I never felt like I wanted to disappear as much as I feel right now.
Scene 10
"Hi"
She stood up and walked away
"Wait I didn't mean to be a bother. I just wanted to talk with you. I mean yes, we don't know much about each other but if we get to know one another maybe we can be friends…"
She turned around and looked at me dead in the eye
"You're right, I don't know you… and I'd like to keep it that way"
…
I stared at her with not a clue on how to respond.
"Savage"… a random passerby eavesdropping on our conversation couldn't help but say it out loud breaking the awkward air.
Scene $
"Hi I'm Hikigaya Hachiman, I…"
She walked away not even letting me talk…
Am I doing something wrong?
Scene 17
Wait has it been this many. I feel like the past has been a blur with snapshots at the worst moments?
Scene 4
"I'm sorry but I can't return your feelings... I hope you don't take this in the wrong way."
I feel like this happened before… The exact same words uttered before… A cruel déjàvu.
Scene 25
Scene 27
Scene #1: cultural fest^%$
"Hey hikifroggy-kun did you finally found someone desperate enough to dance with you tonight"
"Ahahaha that'll be the day"
"Hey anyone here want to dance with him? Come on we're helping a friend out here"
Every boy giggled while every girl looked away.
Scene 2
…
Scene 2%7#
It's the eyes…. It's always these eyes. My looks are average… I think… there isn't anything noteworthy about me but average doesn't mean bad heck average men can find their worth from someone. Rotten eyes. Rotten eyes
Am I really that unworthy?
Scene 2$$
I don't even have to be a romantic relationship. I'm find to be friends with anyone….
Anyone at all… just give me a chance…
$c3ne 3S
…
"Ne, here's your copy of today's assignment… uhhh"
"Hikigaya"
"ah,that's right Mikigaya ahaha"
"It's Hikigaya…"
I glanced at her face and saw her sheepishly smiling. My eyes couldn't help but stare a bit longer. She noticed that I didn't grab the papers containing our next assignment immediately.
"uhmm…"
"Uhhh right the papers."
I took the notes in haste to dissolve the awkward moment.
"Uhh… Thanks… for bringing this to me"
I look up but saw that she already passed me and continued to hand out the rest. Did she hear my appreciation? I felt more uncomfortable than before .Tsk, I hope no one noticed that.
Orimoto Kaori, the class's most cheerful character. Her presence lights the classroom with radiance. She has this aura that makes you want to be friends with her and hang around her. She was a nice girl overall. But more than that she doesn't tease me like the rest of my classmates... a genuine nice girl.
Days pass by and all this time her image was never far away from my mind. I looked again at my phone to see if she replied to the texts I sent but still to no avail. Odd it doesn't seem like she's the type to ignore someone. She greets me during class or rather she greets everyone but still she doesn't ignore me. There's nothing wrong with my messages… I think. I reviewed my past texts. Some are school related while a few are casual greetings, nothing strange.
Maybe she's ignoring me on purpose… No don't think like that. I felt sick thinking ill of Orimoto. She has done wrong to no one and yet I jump to the worst conclusion already. I've been having a lot of negative thoughts about everything. It's wrong to think like this yet somehow I feel… comfort.
The logical reason is I just got her number wrong… I'll ask again if this is her number…
$cen3 3^
"Yes?" She nonchalantly spoke up.
With one word I was held up. This is the first time that I'm alone with her.
"Uh I wanted to ask if I got you're number correctly, is this it?" I pointed to my phone.
She leaned a lot closer to get a better look. I fidgeted in response not expecting the sudden contact.
"Yup that's my number alright"
I compose myself trying to make sure she didn't notice my awkward reaction.
"Well is that all you want to talk about?" She asked still with a smile on her face.
My heart wavered. I felt warmth spread around my cheeks. I hope she's not seeing me like this but I can't help it. I felt to urge to confess to her.
"Well Orimoto I.. I.."
Don't do it. Don't make a fool of yourself. Voices in my head alarms me that this is a mistake. Images of a painful past held my tongue. Doubt and anxiety clouded my thoughts. Voices kept speaking that I should know better by now and save myself from the rejection. This will all end in tragedy.
"Uhm…yes?" she urged me to continue.
I cleared my throat to compose myself.
Despite the warnings my head kept screaming in protest, I pushed through. I asked her out in the same manner as I did countless times before, unconsciously memorized.
She looked baffled, it took a while before what I said registered to her. Not surprising, with past experiences it was the default reaction from someone.
"ok" she replied beaming a smile.
Eh?
"How's tonight then. Are you free?"
Unbelievable I did it. She accepted my invitation. This counts as a date… right?
"Uhm Nikigaya-kun?"
"Ah yes I mean Uhh yes of course I'm free tonight ehe…"
"See you tonight then, bye" She turned around and left me there still awestruck.
I stood still taking in at what just happened. She said yes. She actually said yes I actually did it. I'm actually going on a date tonight.
Scn3$ 3b
Eh…
"Well come on then we're going to be late for the movie premiere."
"Yeah we're almost late. If someone here came in early" The girl at Orimoto's left stared at the girl at the right.
"It's not my fault there was traffic and…"
"Oh enough excuses ladies" Orimoto turned to them ushering them to stop bickering.
"Come on everyone"
They all started walking to the counter to buy tickets.
I snapped from my confusion and followed them. I actually thought that it would be a date with just the two of us. She must have known that this isn't what I had in mind if so…
No, enough, I must have misunderstood what she wanted earlier. Besides this isn't so bad I still get to be with Orimoto-chan…
Scenes A1-B&
Days turn to weeks and weeks to month.
Not once did I felt like I'm a part of their group. I felt a subtle difference whenever any of them talked to me. I didn't notice it at first or maybe I blocked it out of my mind out of my mind. I still feel like an outcast.
I once tried to approach them during lunch thinking that it would be natural by now. Big mistake, I felt them tense up the moment I came near them. Their eyes cast down and the conversation died. I took it as a sign to leave them alone. I walked away.
Are we even friends? Is this what it means to be friends now? It felt very different.
!#$#! 4$
"Hey Mikigaya-kun sure is stubborn."
"You must be so proud to have him as your admirer eh Orimoto-chan"
"Gross, quit teasing me like that"
"Ahahaha"
I didn't wish to hear it. It must be a mistake, no… that wasn't the truth. I knew it all along I kept hearing the whispers but I refused to understand it. I closed my mind from the talks behind my back believing in ignorance is bliss.
She only wanted me for her benefit. But as pathetic as it is… I am fine with it.
Who is to say that this isn't love… one-sided or not… right?
It is pathetic, idiotic, desperate… but does it matter?
The world is still less lonely and that makes this still worth it.
…
Then why do I feel so empty.
$#3!$ ##%$#% SCen504
"Hikigaya-kun. You're really nice, but… I don't think this will work out I mean it must be a bother to you too right?"
There's no surprise to anyone that Orimoto herself will say this. It was only a matter of time once everyone began to include her when teasing me. After all, who would want to be paired with me? She cut the ties as soon as possible. I was expecting this. In fact there's an imaginary countdown in my head ticking down to when she will cut ties with me. Why do I imagine it? I'm not really sure. Maybe it's the fact that I felt a tiny amount of solace in knowing in how she or everyone will behave as I expect.
"I was trying to be nice with you by hanging out but I don't think will work out. So goodbye"
Nice? Is that what you believe to be nice is? In that case then yes… you are the nicest person I've ever met. Of course everybody is nice to me to a certain extent, but you… you 're a step above than everyone. So I thank you with all my heart for gracing me with your twisted kindness for so long…
!#$^T%$!#$ !%
I've had enough. Nothing changed.
I need to distance away from everything, away from the toxic slander, from venomous groups.
…
Scene null:
Different girl same result. Different group same response. Rinse and repeat. Nothing good came out not one happy memory.
I ran head first at every opportunity I got like a puppy begging for attention. But can you blame me? I'm as human as they come, and I don't mean that as a compliment. We fooled ourselves to require love to function. The less we have the more we crave. This is a fundamental flaw with humans.
The sea of despair gorges on desperate hearts.
We struggle at the weight of existence shackled to our fate.
Slowly we descend the dark depths while looking up longing for the light
Without anything to hold on, we drown in its deep embrace, lost in our loneliness.
Why do we even try anyway? Is it a requirement? Who was it that decided having a partner is norm. The parents? Society? No it's because of me. Of course it is. I believed in the illusion that in order to live a happy life is we must find a partner or a group of friends to cherish moments together. A lie I kept hoping to be true.
Love is the mask of the beast called Need
We hide the selfish thoughts with sweet words of promises for self fulfillment. We continue to do this time and time again despite the truth in front us.
Friendships fade. Children leave. Parents die. Lovers death does them apart. To declare love eternal is to lie.
It's not the people you hate but the people you love that will hurt you the most because you give them permission to rearrange the awnings of your soul. So why do we still give people our permission casually?
But it will be alright now. Experience is the teacher that you can always rely on. I know now my place as well as everyone else's. Better than all of them in fact.
A loner, that is who I am. No need to neither wear masks nor make appearances to anyone. No need to lie and to be fooled. No victim. No pain. There is solace in solitude and with that I am content.
I will not cling to false hope nor make mistakes again. I will not compromise my beliefs. I'm the person I need to be and it is best to keep it that way and that means I need to cut ties with Yuk1#%$^&^
I slowly opened my eyes and my mind is at unease.
