Chapter 9

I must believe that love will find a way tonight


I open one eye, slowly, trying to get used to the jump between the darkness and the light, and I explore the space around me. Outside the sky is already bright. I believe it would be a cloudy day today too. Not that this matters. It could rain all day or it could come even a storm. There is no difference for me.

I glance at the clock on the bedside table. Ten minutes are left until the alarm clock will ring. As the previous days, I'm already awake. And I had a hard time falling asleep tonight too. Again.

I move the blanket from my body and I throw it out at the foot of my bed with a kick. I sit down and I run a hand through my hair, listening to the familiar noises that come from my kitchen. I drag myself along the bathroom, without caring to lift well my feet from the ground and I throw some cold water on my face. I observe my reflection at the mirror and I put a finger under my eyes. The sleep bags are even more noticeable if possible.

I finish to wash myself and dress up, as if I had a gun planted on my temple, and I come down to the kitchen.

"Good morning" I greet my mother, leaving a kiss on her cheek.

"Good morning you too, honey." She dries her hands with a rag and she hands me a plate with my breakfast. "Here, bacon and eggs. Bon appétit."

I flop down on the seat and I wince. "Sorry mom, but I don't feel like eating. I think a fruit would be enough for this morning."

My mom's expression darkens and she comes to seat in front of me. "Honey, you should eat. You haven't eaten much yesterday at dinner either." She leans forward to pull aside the hair from my forehead. "And also, you seem always so tired. Are you sleeping?"

"It's all right mom" I puff, stretching my head backward. "It's only a stressful period. School has been a living hell recently" I try to reassure her with a smile that convinces her only in half.

I get up from the chair with a jerk and I grab an apple from the basket in the middle of the table.

"It will be ok. Don't worry, okay?"

"Have a good day" she tells me sighing, when I'm already on the doorstep.


"Q, you can't absolutely miss this!"

Santana takes a little more of pasta with the fork, leading it to her mouth.

"Where is written that I can't absolutely miss this? It's only another stupid party." I shake my head rolling my eyes and I force myself to eat despite the stab in my stomach. I risk to faint at any time.

"Another stupid party?" she shouts, her eyes wide open in shock and a tone of voice almost offended. She strikes down the fork with a thud. "Listen, Q. For some time now you are not the same anymore. You are always reserved, you're on your own. You seem very tired all the time."

I move my gaze on the near table and I start chewing my bottom lip nervously. I suddenly feel under observation. Why is she telling me this?

"You are not you anymore" she finishes, flat.

I take a deep breath and I shrug. "I'm just a little stressed. It's only a period."

"I don't know if it's only a period," she says, raising her voice and forcing me to face her, "but you have changed. I'm worried."

"I'm always the same" I murmur, maybe in an attempt to convince myself rather than my friend. "You don't need to be worried."

"No, it's not true, you are different" she retorts stubbornly. "I'm your best friend. Do you think I don't see if something is wrong?"

We stay in silence for a time that lets my thoughts crowd in. Am I different? Is it that noticeable?

There are a lot of questions that can be made. On the reasons for example. The reasons why I want to kick everyone or why I feel the need to throw me on a corner and cry. The reason why I don't want to wake up despite the fact that I can't fall asleep.

The reason of all has a name, but I'm afraid to spell it out. Or even to think about it.

I feel a constant lump in my chest that I can't release and it prevents me from breathing.

"Listen" Santana speaks again interrupting my flow and catching my attention. "I don't know what is running through your mind and if you don't feel like talking it's okay. Nobody is forcing you." Her face softens and her voice mellows. "But come at the party tonight. It's Friday and then there is all the weekend forward. We'll have fun!"

She smiles at me and I can't help but reciprocate. Maybe she's right and it will be fun. Maybe I need it.

I roll my eyes and I burst into laugh. "Okay, okay, if you insist, I'll come" I finally say, raising my arms as a signal of surrender.

That's the kind of attitude that I should adopt. Move on with my life, go back to when I didn't know… well, her.

Santana makes a gesture of victory and she gets up to take away the tray.

"Tonight at 8 pm at Puck's. Don't be late. See you later at the training" she says before walking away.

I take a sip of water before getting up and leaving the cafeteria.

Maybe it won't be a catastrophic night after all.


"Santana, I'm late. I'm getting now in my car" I talk through the receiver when I'm actually putting on my pants, laying down on my bed, making movements worthy of a contortionist.

"Come on, Quinn. Here it's already started a while ago" Santana shouts, trying to cover the party's noise. "You're missing all the fun."

I stand up and with a flash I finally manage to wear the garment. "I'm coming I'm coming" I blurt out irritated.

I hang up and I let the phone fall on my bed. I quickly rummage in my closet and I finally choose a black shirt that falls soft on my hips. I put on my boots with energy, letting out some complaints.

Once the odyssey is over and after getting ready in record time, I say goodbye to my parents and I make for Puck's house. I flip through a radio station to another, finding only depressing songs, so that at one point I give up.

With big fortune (sarcasm is needed here), the half part of the traffic lights are red, as if I wasn't already late. Some habits are hard to die.

I think about when Rachel told me that I was punctual with a surprised tone and I was annoyed because "I'm always punctual". I smile at the memory, but then the smile disappears being replaced by a stab of pain in my heart so strong that it makes me cry.

It's been two weeks since that day at my house. Of course I haven't had any news from Rachel. Neither a call nor a message. Nothing. I haven't met her nowhere and I think it's better this way because I don't know how I could react. I would probably scream and run away. Or pass out.

I change again the radio station and I wipe a tear off of my face. I can't cry. I can't let them see me in this condition. I don't want to give explanations and invent excuses in consequence. I'm already under a hand lens for my mood of the last days and for my not-so-Fabray behavior. Coach Sylvester doesn't need a head cheerleader sullen and melancholy.

It all went wrong with Rachel. As much as it hurts, it couldn't have gone any other way.

Yes, that's it. Stop. End of the story.

I snuffle searching for a tissue, groping around with my free hand.

I am tryin' not to tell you, but I want to
I'm scared of what you'll say

I grab my lower lip with my teeth, pressing until I nearly hurt myself.

So I'm hidin' what I'm feelin'
But I'm tired of holdin' this inside my head.

I press the wheel with more strength. Suddenly everything feels so stupid and vane.

What am I forcing myself to hide when she manages to read my soul with a look?

I've been spendin' all my time just thinkin' 'bout you
I don't know what to do, I think I'm fallin' for you
I've been waitin' all my life, and now I found you
I don't know what to do, I think I'm fallin' for you

I start to slow down and I feel my breath run out and becoming more troubled. My heart speeds up more and more every second.

I'm fallin' for you

I can't hide anymore my head in the sand.

I check if some car appears behind me and ahead of me and, as soon as I make sure of it, I make an U-turn and I leave again in the opposite direction.


Only ten minutes pass until Rachel comes out the front door of the theater, followed by her cast. My heart skips a beat as I see her. I feel like a century has passed. It's funny how my conception on time changes when I don't have that ducky around.

Everybody is talking vividly. From what I can grasp, I think that they are making fun of one of them.

I find myself praying that they all will go away and that Rachel won't follow them, but that she'll separate from the rest of the group. I feel like I became a stalker or something like that, on the right way to insanity.

However, considering that Rachel waited for me outside my house for some minutes, or maybe hours as far as I know, I'm not the only one who is acting like a crazy person. I've been here less time anyway.

Little psychopathic Jewish.

Someone from above must have heard me because all the other members from the cast walk away while Rachel stays outside the theater alone. She doesn't walk toward her car, but she stands there still, rummaging in her bag, maybe looking for the keys.

I straight up, bringing my hands on the wheel and tapping my fingers quickly. I should come out of the car and go to her. Yes, the plan is this. And it's flawless.

I open the port, but I feel someone holding me on my shoulder. I silently swear when I realize that I haven't untied the seatbelt.

Stupid Rachel Berry that makes me an idiot.

I check the road before crossing it and slowly heading to Rachel. There is nobody, not at all. I make a step and then another. I put my foot one after one, more and more slowly. Or at least this is the sensation I get.

I realize only now that, actually, I don't have an accurate plan. It's not flawless at all. I don't know what I will say once I get there. I have no idea of what to do. I knew it twenty minutes ago. Actually, I think I always knew it, but now my mind is a blur and I forgot even how to speak.

Rachel becomes aware of my presence only when I'm a few steps away from her. She lifts up her head to meet my eyes and her expression changes in a moment. She is surprised to see me. I don't think she would have expected to come across me here. She opens her mouth in order to say something, but I don't leave her the time to do so.

"Let me speak, okay?" I tell her, closing my eyes for a moment and twisting my hands together to make the anxiety go away.

Rachel slowly nods and she turns completely towards me, giving me all her attention. "Okay."

I take a deep breath before starting. My hands shake and sweat, my heart beats faster and I feel like it's physically impossible for it to beat slower with Rachel around.

"I lied to you" I say abruptly, squeezing my eyes shut. "I lied to you that day at your house when I told you I've already been in love before, that I've already felt butterflies in my stomach, my head on the clouds and everything else. And, what is even worse, I lied when I told you that I don't feel anything for you."

"So is that true? You do feel something for me?" she asks me, hopeful, moving forward, but suddenly stopping at my look of reproach.

"Rachel!" I scold her, nearly screaming. "I said to let me talk first, remember? So please… It's not easy for me." I direct her a look half way between pleading and annoyed.

"Sorry" she says hastily, letting out a half smile. "Go ahead. I'm listening."

I clear my voice and I start to talk again. "The truth is, Rachel, that since you came into my life I don't see anything but you. You are always there, in each moment, and I feel like it's never enough."

I make a step towards her and I see her even more chained to my words just spoken and to all the ones that will come.

"I never get tired of you, of your laugh, of your voice and of your presence. You came like a hurricane and you overturned my life, my whole existence. You overturned me."

I make a pause and I lower my eyes for a moment, then I move them back to hers. I keep moving my fingers while talking.

"Earlier I was in my car and I was going to this party, hoping to distract myself and not think about you, even if for a few hours. I haven't done anything but this since you left my house. I was seriously going crazy. And… And then this song comes out of the radio and I thought about you."

"Quinn" she interrupts me shyly.

"No, let me finish. If I stop now, I don't know if I will find the courage to go ahead."

I eye her with annoyance and I hardly swallow before reprising.

"Then I remembered that on Friday at this time you do the rehearsals for the musical and I rushed here. And now I'm here, to say that I've been a stupid and a coward, but that's because I was scared to death. I still am while I'm telling you all these things. I'm afraid, but I can't pretend like it's not there."

And before realizing it, I've made the last steps towards her, closing every distance. I hold her face in my hands and I kiss her.

I forget that we are in the street, I forget that they are waiting for me at the party and that I'm terribly late. Probably I even forget to breathe. I forget that a girl that kisses another girl is an abnormal behavior and that I shouldn't be here now. I am exactly where I want to be right now. Everything is so right and perfect that it can't be an abomination.

Rachel responds immediately to my kiss, wrapping her arms around my hips and drawing me to her. I unseal my mouth and I let our tongues meet in a shy dance. Her hands now are tied on my hips gently, making sure of keeping our bodies close to each other.

I'm afraid that I will wake up and realize that it was just a dream.

I break the contact after what it seemed to me like the sweetest eternity that I could ever wish to spend and I rest my forehead on hers. I lower my gaze, embarrassed, and I smile, followed by Rachel.

"I thought that you would never be able to tell me that" she whispers, pulling out a strand of my hair.

"I was afraid of that too" I murmur.

I distance myself, finally becoming aware of the fact that we are on a sidewalk, and I glance at the space around to verify the presence of other people. Rachel clears her throat, lowering her gaze and placing her fingers on her lips.

I address to her again. "Now I have to go. I'm already late and they are waiting for me."

"Oh yeah, sure." She nods and she bands over to take the bag that she let fall down to be able to hold me tight.

I hold back a laugh. I must have surprised her a lot with this whole thing.

Then I move back a little, keeping eye-contact with her and without turning around.

"See you soon, Rachel."

"Bye, Quinn" she whispers, when I've already turned around and I'm heading back to my car.

I see Rachel watching me going away from the rear-view mirror. I can't stop smiling and shaking while I drive towards Puck's house. I feel like I kissed someone for the first time ever.

I'll have to make up a believable excuse for being late.


Author's note: the song played in Quinn's car is Fallin' for you by Colbie Caillat. I hope you enjoyed the chapter as much as I did :)