Chapter 9:Time to...Photosynthesize?
All copyrighted material is used in a fictitious parodied manner.
Roach tripped over the bottom of the bulkhead leading back into Arcadia. Jack and Renko stepped over him.
"Woo, that was quick." Renko said.
"Yeah, I spliced speed boost into my blood." Jack said.
"Hey! We were here before!" Roach said dumbly. "Theres that safe! And theres that machine!"
Jack took his wrench and clamped it on Roach's nose and twisted it.
"You said we're heading to a lab?" Renko asked.
"Yeah, belongs to some crazy botanist." Jack said.
"Botanist? Maybe it's Fifi from Fifi and the Flower tots!" Renko said.
"Nahh, they're right over there." Jack said, pointing to a bunch of dead flower people.
The gang started heading back to the labs, briefly stopping in front of the metro.
"(cough) (cough) Damn, what the fuck is this fucking green stuff?" Renko said.
"Magic pixie dust, scattered all about by Tinkerbell and her Fairy friends." Jack said.
"Really?" Renko asked.
"NO! It's herbicide retard!" Jack yelled.
"Hey guys, I found some lunch!" Roach said.
Roach came out from behind a tree, holding a dead toucan in a blue sweater vest.
"It has been awhile since I've eaten." Renko said, licking his lips.
"Swell! I'll just start a fire!" Roach said.
"No time, lets do it the quick way." Jack said.
Jack whipped out his chemo thrower and shot a stream of fire at the bird. It emerged from the flame completely void of feathers. Jack grabbed one of it's legs and ripped it off, taking a bit out of it.
"This is how you make fast food." Jack said with his mouth full.
"Now if only we had some gravy." Renko said, staring at the bird in hunger.
"Not to worry, I keep a jar of it on hand for emergencies." Roach said, reaching into his pouch and pulling it out.
The boys walked down the glass tube towards the lab. Roach poured some gravy on the dead bird.
"I'll have a wing." Renko said.
"Sure thing." Roach said, cutting off one of it's wings with his backup knife.
Renko and Roach started feasting on the bird when they reached the laboratories. Jack stopped at the El Ammo Bandito to stock up on munitions and bought some health kits at the circus of values. The he made some explosive buck at the U-invent. Roach and Renko licked the bird's bones clean before discarding them. The boys went back up to Langford's office, where Renko was surprised to see Langford's corpse.
"Hello Fifi.. rawr." He said.
"Back off buddy, I saw her first!" Roach said.
"Will you guys knock it off? We still have work to do." Jack said.
Jack inserted the vial of Vector into the machinery near the window overlooking the trees. It started circulating them.
"I still got first dibs on the bitch." Roach said.
"It's gonna take awhile before the Vector is ready, boyo. You might wanna head back to the lab and set some traps." Atlas said.
"Why not set them here?" Jack asked.
"Because...I don't know, just go back to the lab." Atlas said.
"Alright." Jack said.
"You guys go on. I'll stay here and protect the machinery." Renko said.
"No! He wants her all to himself!" Roach yelled.
"Relax Roach, there are probably hundreds of dead bitches in the city to go around." Jack said.
"I suppose your right." Roach said.
Roach and Jack went downstairs to the labs. Renko faced the dead bitch and unzipped his pants.
"Alright, these explosive barrels and oil slicks will be a good start. Move this in front of-" Jack started.
"Hey look! My buddies are cutting through those doors!" Roach said.
Jack looked to the side and saw a shutter door with sparks shooting out of it's side. The sparks were moving in a circular pattern. Roach ran over to it.
"Hey guys! I'm in here! I knew you wouldn't leave me Captain-" Roach started before the shutter was pushed onto him.
2 Splicers emerged from the corridor behind the door. Jack blasted them with his shotgun. Then he shoved the door off Roach.
"That Captain of mine always does stuff like that." Roach said.
"Boyo! There cutting in through the other door!" Atlas said.
Jack ran back to the other lab and saw another shutter door being cut through. Roach put a banana peel in front of it.
"You seriously think that's gonna work?" Jack asked.
"It did in Hot shots." Roach said.
The door slammed on top of the peel and 2 strange guys with blue lightsabers came out. One had long brown hair with a black tunic and the other had a short brown beard with a tan tunic.
"This isn't the Trade Federation ship." The one in black said.
"I knew I shouldn't have listened to you, Anakin." The one in tan said.
"Obi-wan, I was just taking a shortcut." Anakin said.
"Look! Human mercenaries!" Obi-wan yelled, pointing at Jack and Roach.
Jack shot a couple pistol bullets at them, which the Jedi deflected.
"Mere bullets are not enough to kill a Jedi." Obi-wan said.
Jack switched to his Grenade launcher and pegged a grenade at the floor under them. After the smoke from the explosion cleared, the only thing left of the Jedi were their skeletons.
"Looks like more on their way boyo. Better seal the entrance." Atlas said.
"How the fuck am I supposed to do that?" Jack asked.
"Do I have to tell you everything? Just follow the strange arrow at the top of your screen!" Atlas said.
Meanwhile, near the exit to the smugglers cove...
Floogal and Blotch enlisted the aid of a Houdini splicer known as Pickle. He wore a red surgeon's coat and a bird mask.
"So if I help you get your grand daddy's dough, I get a piece of it?" Pickle asked as they were walking towards the tomb.
"Yeah, we'll give you whatever's left over after we buy some guns." Blotch said.
"I can't believe we haven't seen any Little Sisters. What appened to them all?" Floogal asked.
"I doubt that anyone could harvest that many of them." Blotch said.
"Say Blotch? What appened to that guy we tried to harvest anyway?" Floogal asked.
"The little lamb? I tried to kill him in Neptune's bounty, but he slammed me against the wall and took me shotgun." Blotch said.
"By the way, did you boys happen to catch that episode of Rapture's next top Splicer? I missed it last night." Pickle asked.
"Oh Shit!" Blotch said.
The tomb's torches were both lit already and the door was open. Blotch rushed inside with Pickle and Floogal in tow. Blotch cradled the body of his decapitated grand father.
"Not only did they steal me fortune, they also desecrated the remains!" He said.
"Now how are we gonna get some guns?" Floogal asked.
Suddenly, an Alarm sounded.
"Citizens of Rapture, the one responsible for the killing of your trees has holed up in the research labs. Kill him at all costs." Ryan said over the intercom.
"You ear that? Sounds like theres going to be a fight." Floogal said.
"And where theres fights, theres death. And where theres death, theres dropped guns!" Blotch said.
"Lets get over there before all the good ones get taken!" Floogal said.
Blotch dropped his grandfather's body and he and Floogal took off.
"Hey wait! You still didn't pay me!" Pickle said, running after them.
Back in the research labs...
A large shutter door closed on the exit from the research labs, triggered by the switch by the desk.
"Boyo, I've sent you some supplies. Check the nearby Pneumo tube." Atlas said.
"Hold on one fucking minute. I thought you said you couldn't send me supplies." Jack asked.
"I said I couldn't rewind time to restore your ammo. I didn't say I could use a pneumo tube." Atlas said.
"Oh." Jack said.
Jack went to the pneumo tube and opened it's hatch. Inside was several proximity mines, 25 dollars, and an Auto hack tool.
"This is it?" Jack whined.
"For your information boyo, it took me half an hour to accumulate that supplies!" Atlas said.
"I was hoping you would send me dual sawn-off shotguns... Wait, nevermind. I'm not gonna argue with you, this shit will have to do." Jack said.
Jack took the gear and ran back into the previous room. Suddenly, a lightsaber swung by his face that barely cut off his nose. Jack looked to the left and saw Roach wielding the fallen Jedi's lightsabers.
"What the fuck do you think your doing?" Jack asked.
"I am the new lord of the Sith!" Roach said in a dark tone.
"Your the lord of the dumb asses if thats what you mean!" Jack said.
Roach swirled the lightsabers right into his legs, which were sliced right off by the plasma (which is most likely what lightsabers are made of) and he fell to the ground. The lightsabers were thrown up into the air and landed on Roach's arm's slicing them off too.
"Okay, we have at least 30 seconds before the next attack, so we have to get ready. Place that fuel barrel in front of that door." Jack said.
"Okaie dokey." Roach said.
Roach wiggled around like a worm and slowly made his way to the fuel barrel. Jack went back to the entrance of the lab and shot a proximity mine in front of the door. Then he placed one in the hallway leading to the lab. Roach reached the barrel and kept pushing it with his head until it rolled over to the door that was cut through. New arms and legs shot into his sockets that were empty, fully clothed.
"I wonder how Renko's doing?" Jack wondered aloud.
Renko came out of the door leading to Langford's office.
"Hey guys, that was no lady!" He said, shocked.
"Ugggghhh. I almost made out with a transexual?" Roach asked disgusted.
"Yeah, it turns out, she, well he, had plastic surgery but was too cheap to buy a sex change." Renko said.
Meanwhile, outside the entrance to the lab...
Floogal, Blotch, and Pickle arrived at the now sealed laboratory.
"Awesome mates! We're the first ones here!" Floogal said, delighted.
"Now we just have to find a way past this door." Blotch said.
"Not to worry, I can use me magic to weld through this door." Pickle said.
Pickle pressed his finger against the door and released extreme heat on the tip of it. Sparks flew off of the door. Pickle moved it upwards, cutting through the door.
Back in the lab...
A corpse of a dead splicer smashed through a window into the other lab. He was blown their by the explosive barrel by the cut open door.
"Hang in there Boyo. More of em are on their way." Atlas said.
"Thanks for the info, captain obvious." Jack said.
"My TMD will make short work of these trick or treaters." Renko said.
2 more splicers ran in from the other breached door. Renko equipped his Seeker rifle. It looked like an ordinary rifle. However, it's bullets were enhanced with a rare mineral known as E99. Modifications to the rifle allowed the user to control the trajectory of the bullets. Renko fired a bullet and guided it towards one of the splicers. The splicer narrowly dodged it by moving his head, but the bullet swung around like a car and flew right into the back of the splicer's skull, exploding it.
Roach charged the other splicer with one of the lightsabers. The splicer tried to block with her iron pipe, but Roach's plasma saber cut right through it and sliced her in half. Another splicer ran in through the first breached door. Renko released orange tendrils at the splicer from his TMD. The splicer screamed in pain and crumbled into dust.
Back outside the entrance..
"How long can it take to cut through a flimsy door?" Blotch asked impatiently.
"Hang on, I almost got it." Pickle said.
Pickle finally cut a large door outline through the door. Once his finger reached the bottom, the door fell down.
"Finally, now lets get us some weapons!" Blotch said.
The boys cheered as they charged through the door, right into the proximity mine Jack laid. The mine's explosion hurled them all the way down the glass tune and slammed into the glass. They peeled off and hit the floor hard, dead. But not to worry, they had their DNA backed up at the vita chambers. After all, what good is a parody without a silly side story?
"How long is that damn vector gonna take?" Atlas asked.
A houdini splicer jumped into the lab. He threw a fire ball at Jack, who caught it with Telekinesis. Jack then hurled it back at the splicer, throwing him back into the water where the vendors were. Roach stood against another splicer who was wielding a pistol. Roach held his lightsaber above him, preparing to strike. The splicer fired a bullet at the saber's handle and it flew from Roach's grasp. Just as the houdini splicer was about to get up, the saber landed in the water and it's high tech batteries electrocuted him to death.
The splicer with the pistol laughed at his comrade's demise. Roach took this opportunity to shove a flashbang grenade in the splicer's open mouth. He pull the pin out of it and shoved the splicer down. It's head exploded. A spider splicer crawled in on the ceiling and dropped down in front of Roach. He pulled out his Kukri knife (which was a knife that was slightly bent forward).
The splicer swung down both it's scythes on Roach, who held them away from him with his knife. Roach fell back on the ground and rolled backwards, throwing the splicer through the breached door and landing hard on a table, smashing a cure for AIDS. Roach ran over to the splicer with his knife raised. The spider splicer quickly recovered and threw one of her scythes. The scythe snatched Roach's knife and pinned it to the wall.
Roach knew he needed to act fast. As the splicer slowly walked towards him, he grabbed a nearby bottle of Kaboom and rapidly pulled it's trigger, spraying fluid in the spider splicer's eyes.
"Arrggghh. My eyes!" She cried.
Roach sprayed some more fluid into her open mouth. The spider splicer screamed in pain. Roach sprayed some more fluid into the splicer's ears and nose. The splicer fell to the floor in agony. Roach saw a strangely misplaced antique vase on the table. He grabbed it and smashed it over the splicer's head. Then he stuck another flashbang in her mouth and pulled the trigger, you know what happened next.
Jack drank a bottle of wine as he easily shot 2 more splicers with his pistol. More than 20 bodies littered the floor. Renko drank a blue slush drink as he looked at his watch. They'd been fighting for over an hour.
"The vectors done! Throw the switch boyo!" Atlas yelled.
Jack casually walked back to Langford's office. When he got there, he saw Langford's corpse, on the table, which is probably where Renko was going to rape her. Jack ignored it and went to the control panel. He pulled the yellow glowing switch on it. He looked out the window and saw that the trees began to grow new leaves. Slowly, the leaves grew large and green. Roach and Renko came up to join him. The green gas began to dissipate and was completely gone after several seconds. Peaceful music began to play.
"Oh Cortez." A voice said.
The boys looked to their right and saw a woman with short orange hair wearing light green clothing.
"Your my hero.." She said.
In case you don't know, shes Anya from Timesplitters Future perfect, reenacting the ending from it. Roach grabbed her around the waist and tried to kiss her. Anya slapped him and took off running.
"Biohazard clear. Lockdown lifted." The loudspeaker said.
"I still can't believe a fucking tree farm has a fucking biohazard sensor." Jack said.
"The way to the metro is open boyo. Better get moving." Atlas said.
"Metro? Where all the homeless people sleep?" Renko asked.
"Not that kind of metro." Jack said.
Andrew Ryan's tune played on Jack's radio.
"Why are you so resistant when it comes to separating man from his soul?" Ryan asked.
"Oh god, here we go.." Jack muttered.
"My city is a utopia for peace! And you are destroying it with every step you take. Therefore..." Ryan continued.
Jack mocked Ryan as he spoke. Renko and Roach laughed.
"...And to see such beauty be urinated on by vagrants like you is an atrocity that which you could not do even if you were someone even worse than you who looks like you but does worse things than you." Ryan blabbered on.
Jack turned off his radio as he and the others left the lab.
"When someone such as myself is disgusted by someone such as you, someone such as myself will do something so terrible it may seem as if it were done by someone such as you." Ryan talked into the dead line.
The boys reached The rolling hills, where the Metro was. Flowers bloomed everywhere and a deer feasted on the green grass. A bunny hopped across the grass as a butterfly fluttered about. Then several splicers pounced on the deer and began savagely eating it. Another splicer chased after the bunny, holding a knife in the air. Another splicer snatched the butterfly out of the air and shoved it in his mouth. Yet another splicer poured some alcohol on the flowers and set them ablaze.
The boys, using this weird distraction, sneaked into the metro and sealed the door. Jack turned around and was shocked to see the metro filled with men in cheap brown clothing, using newspapers as blankets and sleeping on the benches.
"Okay, it is that kind of metro." Jack said.
"Your next stop is Fort Frolic, only there is where you can reach Rapture central control." Atlas said.
The boys slowly and carefully stepped around the hordes of sleeping bums. Renko saw an Audio diary that was being used as a pillow by one of them. Carefully, he replaced it with an Empty EVE hypo.
"My city is like a chain. And what do chains do? They pull shit. For our city to function, we must all pull in the same direction. If some of the retarded ones pull in the opposite direction, I'll send them to be converted into big daddies. What else does this chain do? It also powers my TV. So if they don't pull in the right direction, I can't watch All my Children. There is no way I'm paying 50 bucks for my TV power. To inspire my people to pull more, I'll have some guards whip them until they pass out of exhaustion. Then we'll throw them in the incinerator to save some wood. I am brilliant." It said.
The boys maneuvered around the bums until they all got inside the Bathysphere. Jack pulled the lever and selected Fort Frolic as his destination. The glass door closed and the sphere began to descend. Jack sat down on the bench with Renko and Roach.
"How about a song to pass the time?" Roach suggested.
"No." Jack and Renko said simultaneously.
"Get ready, to wiggle.." Roach began.
Jack socked Roach in the jaw and held him in front of himself. Renko donned a pair of Boxing gloves and punched Roach in the gut. Then he threw him one across the jaw. I'm sure I'll get some reviews for this, my fans love it when Roach is abused.
Meanwhile, In Hephaestus...
Darius was still chained to the pillar. He couldn't feel his arms, his feet felt numb, and his throat was sore from all the yelling for help.
"S.A.M?" Darius asked.
"Yes Darius?" S.A.M asked.
"I have to take a piss." Darius said weakly.
"Entering sleep mode." S.A.M said.
"Whatever." Darius said as a large dark spot grew on the front of his pants.
To be continued...
Jeez, this chapter was as long as Killswitch. Sadly, the next chapter will be another giga-chapter. Oh well, at least I'll get to pick on Cohen. I've got news for you, I've downloaded a free game designer software and once I purchase Milkshape, I may start on my own video games! Of course, this leaves less time for writing, but I will not neglect this. Check back on my profile in, lets see, a year or so and you may see information on my game! If I ever make one, that is. So start checking you SLACKERS!
