AN: So, I am not dead (yet, after letting people read this I might be).

It is finals week so I felt like avoiding though subjects ... So here is a new chapter, I hope you like it, and won't hate me too much for all this drama.

The songs I used last time were 'If I lose Myself' by OneRepublic and 'Comatose' by Skillet

Please feel free to guess the songs I used in this chapter again. I think the first one should be doable, since it was pretty popular.


"Sho? Asami-san is on the phone,about your next PV. She is asking whether she should send the offer for the female part to Kyoko." Shoko raises her eyebrows at the sight of my feet on the table, she has been nagging about my manners for a while now, but she also knows it's part of my image

"No need to tell her, I'll go and tell her myself." I ignore my manager's surprised look and walk out the door to find my one-time friend.

It has been a while since I last saw Kyoko, it should be fun to remind her of her purpose again, maybe she'll react when I mention her mother again. Surely she would want that woman to see what talent she denied?


~...~


"So you love him? And you think he may love you? Ha, whahahah! Don't make me laugh! You are a plain and boring girl nobody will ever be able to love you! What's more he is Tsuruga Ren, my rival and like me my rival is in a different world from you, a commoner! We have lots of girls throwing themselves at us! Well there are probably more girls who want me, but still he would also have a fair share to pick from!"

I jolt awake, my phone is ringing. Sleep-blind I try to find my phone on the ground beside me, only to realize there is no ground. I have been sleeping in a bed. Then it hits me, the president send me to sleep in his office, he had noticed my lack of sleep and insisted on me using the bed in the side room of his office.

I finally find my phone on the bedside table.

"Hello? Mogami Kyoko speaking."

"Of course you would be, who else would answer your phone. You are really …"

"If you only called to call me names I'll be hanging up, good day to you Shotarou."

"No! I'd just call you again, I have something to tell you. You have only been getting bully roles so I thought I'd help your career a bit further. You appear to be too plain for this industry and honestly, I pity you. That's why I have decided to allow you to appear in my next music video."

She'll bite, I know she is proud of her role as Mio, she wouldn't let the beagle sully it!

"Thanks for the offer Fuwa-san but, no thanks. I am happy and quite busy with my current roles so I polite decline, -"

"Ha, so you know you probably couldn't do anything but play a plain bully, you *clack* are a one-trick monkey. No wonder your mother denied having you! Hey! YOU LISTENING!?"

She hung up on me! She hung up while I was still talking! And she didn't even get angry or upset! What is wrong with her? Maybe she was bullied by her co-stars …

I'll have to visit her…


"Good work everyone!"

"Yeah, especially you Bo-chan!"

"Thank you Hikaru-san, but if you'll excuse me I have to go now."

I bow and hurry to the dressing room as fast as Bo can. I promised I'd make Tsu-Ren dinner tonight again, but filming ran so late! I cannot disappoint him by being late!

He has been so sweet and nice to me, I cannot let him down. I have to be a good girlfriend for him!

As soon as I finish changing I jump onto my bike to get some groceries.

I make it to the supermarket in a record time.

Just after I paid, my phone rings. It is Ren's ringtone!

I juggle the heavy groceries to answer him as fast as I can but in the process one bag slips and spills its contents on the street. I crouch and start picking them up as I answer the phone.

"Kyoko, are you alright?" Ren sounds really worried.

"Yes, what is it Ren?"

"You are late, you said you'd be here half an hour ago, so -"

"WHAH, I am so sorry filming ran late and it was very busy at the supermarket, I will be there in a few minutes. Sorry, bye!" I frantically apologize I already have disappointed him!

I quickly load all the groceries onto my bike and sprint away, faster than I have ever ridden my bike. I go so fast everything becomes a blurrrrr…..

CRASH


…. Bleep …. …. Bleep … … Bleep …

Huh? Bleep …. … Bleep … …

It hurts…

I try to open my eyes, but the moment I manage to pry them open everything starts to spin. I quickly close them. Bleep … The annoying beeping cuts through my brain I want to lift my hands to block my ears but that hurts too so I give up.

Bleep … … Bleep … …


"… Kyoko, love" Bleep ...

I crack my eyes open again, but this time the ceiling stays in its place.

I am lying in what appears to be a hospital, the beeping is a heart monitor. Ren is sitting beside my bed, his handsome face edged with lines of worry.

"Sorry..."

"What are apologizing for love, it was an accident, besides, the doctors said you were exhausted. Why didn't you tell me you weren't sleeping!?"

Oh my, he is angry, and he isn't even trying to hide it. He must be so disappointed! I caused him and probably many other people so much trouble…

A tear forms in my eye and slowly drips down. Stinging harshly on places where my skin is grazed rough.

Ren who had been clutching my hand and looking down notices my silence and looks up, alarmed.

"Oh, no love! I am not angry at you! I am angry at myself, I am your boyfriend yet I didn't realize you were so tired, and when you weren't at my place when I arrived I was so worried!"

His outburst only makes me so much worse, he is trying to love little unlovable me, but I cause him so much trouble. Tears stream down my face stinging in my wounds.

What kind of actress allows herself to get so deformed! I close my eyes and after some time tears stop coming.

"Sorry you had to see that Tsuruga-san..." I say slowly.

I am tired. I don't want to trouble him further so before he can reply I manage to lift my finger to his lips.

"Please don't, you can leave, I am sure you have better things to do than sit here by me. Besides I am so tired, I'll just go to sleep."

He doesn't reply but he doesn't leave either. I turn my head a bit to get more comfortable let my mind wander.


My love, don't you understand? When I am with you it's like my head is in a magical underwater world, in which I can breathe just fine. You see the crazy, wonderful wonders of this world, and I am so out of my mind to indulge in them with you.

I love you with all my heart. You try so hard to be a 'perfect girlfriend' so I'll love you. Yet you don't see I already do. I love all of you, your queer imagination, your cooking. You were my beginning. I didn't want to disappoint the princess and likewise you'll be my end.

I look at my love, lying broken in the completely white hospital bed. She is lying there so black and blue because of me!

I shouldn't have hurried her, I should have offered her a ride before she hung up. I should have seen this coming. I know her, I know she'd try to play a perfect role exhaust herself, yet I was so full of my own happiness that I failed to think of hers.

I hate my own selfishness, she was crying because I made her feel so guilty!

'But even though she was broken, crying, she was beautiful…'

Yeah, Corn she is but that doesn't mean we should let her cry, we shouldn't let the world beat her down. We shouldn't let her beat herself down! We should be there for her! We should have caught her before she fell.

"She'll be our downfall," cause she's our muse.

"Most definitely, she is my worst distraction ..." I cannot stop thinking about her. She is so beautiful, cute, perfect but she doesn't know it. But the men around her do. She is so oblivious and yet she notices so much. She is been through so much, like me, yet she showed her cards, all hearts. She trusted me with them and I already tore them. I should mend them. I'll give my all to her. I'll be there for her when she wakes up again! But for now I should call the president, tell him she woke up and seems fine …


I guess this is it. I made him worry so much, he probably missed a lot of work because of me. It cannot be helped I guess. I was believing in something so distant that it could never have been for me. Love is too far for me. Or I am too far from love, from being a normal human being. I have been denying this hopelessness. I promised you I'd try to believe you love me Ren, but how could you when I just cause you trouble. I promised I'd be a perfect girlfriend but look where that got me. You believed you could love me, but I am broken, now even literally.

Sorry Ren …

A tear rolls down my cheek and I welcome the sting, I deserve it for deceiving this perfect man into believing I could be perfect too.

'She'll be my downfall' Tsuruga-senpai's voice floats through my mind. He is right. I will drag him down, to my level if this continues. I barely managed to be his girlfriend for a month. And I already failed him, my work and everyone… It was like paradise this month but somewhere I got lost, couldn't survive there. I guess only the worthy can, my past still haunts me down at night, the more I wanted to belong there in paradise with Ren the more it haunted me. I don't belong at his side. I am not worth him, I am too broken, beyond fixing.

'Most definitely, she's my worst distraction.'

Tsuruga-san voice drifting in my head tears me down from my obnoxious pedestal which read 'girlfriend'. I distract him, his career and he himself will suffer. I should just disappear from his life.
One day, we won't feel this pain anymore. That day will come for him sooner than for me, but that's okay. I'll be the only one left with this cruel wanting for this dream which never can be.

From the moment I fell for him I started falling to my doom, and now my last straw broke. I am at my doom, shattered, but I cannot let him see. I cannot make him feel anymore guilty. I'll keep acting like I am whole, for his sake. But I cannot continue to be his. That is the one role I cannot play ...