NINE
Sitting in his desk chair, Castle was supposed to be working on editing the chapters he had due at year's end, but he simply couldn't focus on them. Why would he want to think about murder, mayhem, and sentence structure when his mind's eye could be distracted with the beautiful smile of Kate Beckett? In his opinion, she was the perfect alternative.
That day was her first day back at work since Christmas and he knew she would be stressed, which was why he'd awoken extra early to enable him time to prepare her the perfect back-to-work breakfast. When he presented her with two pancakes decorated with faces made of fruit, a smile had blossomed across her face and his heart stuttered in a way that removed any uncertainty in his mind: he was falling in love with her.
Kate was an extraordinary person. She was strong, a dedicated mother, and on top of all that, protected the citizens of New York City by taking murderers off the street. Had she made some unfortunate decisions, perhaps ones he would not have made himself? Sure, but she was human, and he could not judge her because he was not certain how he would react in a similar state. The fact that she had suffered so much and come through the other side still able to get out of bed and take care of her child was amazing and only made his admiration swell.
For the prior few days they'd coexisted quite harmoniously in an admittedly unusual situation. Kate continued to insist that each night there would be their last, but he managed to get her to agree to another night each time by using his charm and bribing her with well-made food and fun activities for her daughter. Really, he just wanted to help them in any way he could since they both deserved a break, and with things still up in the air with regards to the "Johnny situation" it just made more sense for them to stay, especially now that his lawyer was involved.
If Castle had his way, Johnny would have been thrown into the deepest, darkest prison cell and the door would have been welded shut. Sadly, the legal system did not bend to his thought process so he was stuck watching and waiting along with Kate. He was, however, to provide private security for them when they returned to her apartment if it seemed as though Johnny was interested in retaliation over the affect her charges had on his career with the NYPD, which had yet to be determined.
Giving up on his editing for the moment, Castle moved from his desk into the main room of the apartment to check on Abby. He was taking care of both girls that day, though other than needing lunch and possibly a snack, Alexis was capable of entertaining herself. The six-year-old, however, still needed his attention. He'd suggested she read or play quietly while he worked, but that had been nearly an hour earlier, so he wanted to make sure she didn't need anything.
Instead of finding her on the floor with toys or lounging at an awkward angle on the couch with a book in her hand, he found Abby sitting centrally on the couch, her hands folded in her lap, her back straight as though she were attending a class at a European finishing school and not sitting on his well-loved sofa.
Confused and slightly concerned, Castle walked over and sat beside her. "Watcha doin' bud? Your ribs aren't bothering you, are they?"
"No."
"You don't want to play with those toys?" he asked, pointing to the pile on the rug by the piano. She merely shrugged and he considered the reasons as to why she might be behaving strangely. "Are you uncomfortable being here without your mom?"
"No, I'm fine."
"Then loosen up why dontcha?"
He grinned and nudged her arm, but she gazed at him rather doe-eyed and whispered, "I don't want to break anything."
Castle skimmed his hand over his mouth. No, she wouldn't, would she? Seeing as last time she had been exploring an unfamiliar area she had accidentally done exactly that and then…well, they didn't need to think about that. Instead, he needed to assure her his apartment was a mayhem-friendly zone and there was virtually nothing she could do to damage it.
"C'mere; check this out." He got up from the couch and approached the large Christmas tree. Turning around, he saw that Abby had followed, though hung a few feet back, so he reached out, pulled a red ball off the tree, and let it fall to the floor. The young girl shrieked and he dropped to one knee to capture the ball now rolling about.
"No, don't worry! See—they're plastic." He held the ball in his palm to show her it was undamaged.
Taking a tiny step closer, Abby ducked her head to examine the ball from another angle. "They don't break?"
"Nah. Some of these Santas are clay and they might, but that's okay. Nothing on here is very valuable and there is absolutely no glass."
"So no one hurts themselves?"
"Yeah—me." When the little girl looked surprised, he rested his forearm on his thigh as he continued. "I'm serious. The first year I had a tree of my own it was small, but I still wanted it to be pretty, so I bought a bunch of really pretty glass ornaments."
"Did you break one?"
"Ten of the twelve," he told her, groaning at the memory of nearly two decades earlier. "I dropped the box they were in when I was putting them away. Shortly thereafter I had Alexis and I didn't want a baby to accidentally hurt herself. Maybe in a year or two I'll be old enough to be careful with the glass ones." Abby picked up on his joke and she smiled. Castle reached out and tapped her shoulder with his index finger. "Hey—there's that beautiful smile. C'mon, here—put it back for me."
Castle held out the red ball close enough for her to grab. She picked it up as though it were a fragile talisman, but then walked over to the tree, and hung it on one of the branches level to her face. She cradled her palms under it for several seconds, presumably checking to make sure it wouldn't fall, but when it remained seated on the branch, she stepped back and looked up at him. "Your tree is very pretty."
"Thanks I'm rather fond of it myself. So…do you want to play a game? I think I have some of Alexis's old ones stashed somewhere."
She shrugged and walked back to the couch. "You don't have to—I can just sit here."
Castle joined her again, determined not to let her sit quietly by herself for the entire day. That wouldn't have been fun for either of them! "What do you usually do on weekends?"
"This isn't a weekend."
He waved his hand flippantly. "Break from school—same thing."
She swung her legs, bumping her heels against the front of the couch. "Um…Mommy and I do something…or I'm at the babysitter…or I watch Nonna's stories with her."
As I was snowing outside, he didn't particularly want to leave the house, plus wasn't sure what kind of warm gear she possessed, and he only wanted TV to be used as a last resort—or something to entertain the girls while he was making a meal. "How about we try and find a game and if you don't like it we don't have to play it. How does that sound?"
She shrugged. "Okay."
Castle smiled, took her hand, and led her to the office where there were cabinets stacked with all the games he and Alexis had played when she was younger. He was certain she'd find something to enjoy in among them, and if not he'd make up a game for her himself. There was no way she wouldn't think of him as the fun babysitter by the end of the day—he was sure of it.
Walking into the Castle's apartment, Kate felt ready to collapse on the floor in a pile of arms, legs, and high-heels. Her day had been unexpectedly grueling, particularly after she nearly rolled her ankle while chasing down a perp and tripping over a street grate. Fortunately, she had made the arrest and taken another killer of the streets—which was the one highlight. The subsequent extra hour of paperwork was definitely not, but at least she'd made it home in time to put Abby to bed.
Shrugging off her coat, Kate tossed it onto the hanger by the door and then stepped out of her heels. She took two steps towards the living area but then froze when she saw what was before her. Castle sat centrally on the couch watching the TV with very low volume. Beside him, tucked into a little ball, was Abby. Her head used Castle's thigh as a pillow and she was covered in a red knit blanket, sound asleep.
She took a moment to take in the sight, which, while adorable, reminded her of the conversation she needed to have with the writer later that evening. Their time at the Castle residence was coming to a close and that did not come without a small amount of sadness. Though she never would have realized on her own, Kate really had been exhausted and in need of a break. Living at Rick's for almost a week had meant never needing to prepare a meal or worry about having to pick up Abby timely. Of course the last thing she wanted was to seem an ungrateful guest or like she was mooching off his generosity, but Castle simply would not let her help since he said it was her time off.
In a way, going to the Castle residence had been the best thing for them. Not only did it allow the two of them to become closer, but it allowed her daughter to see that not all families were as broken as hers and there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Castle was a fun, engaging, delightful if not a mildly insane at times parent. As if his charming daughter was not enough proof of his parental skills, Kate loved watching him with Abby, seeing the light in her that he brought out. Sadly, though, he was not her parent and it was time Kate drew the line in the sand.
"Hey."
"Oh hey." Castle whispered as he smiled over at her. He turned off the TV and gestured to the girl beside him. "She tried to stay awake."
"Sorry I was late; paperwork..."
"Don't worry about it. Want me to help you carry her up? I already made her brush her teeth."
Kate nodded. "I got it; thanks." She walked over to the sofa, pulled the blanket off her sleeping child, and scooped her up into her arms, pulling her body tight to her chest. The larger Abby grew, it became harder and harder for Kate to cart her around, especially when she was sleeping and nearly dead weight. She was used to carrying her from the couch to bed in their small apartment, but in Castle's expansive place? She had to rest halfway up the stairs and the remainder of the trek was quite a struggle.
After tucking Abby in, Kate returned to the first floor. She found Castle in the kitchen, pulling plates of leftovers out of the fridge. "Hungry?"
She settled her hands on her belly. It was rather empty despite the bag of chips and candy bar she'd eaten at her desk. "I don't know…"
"Mini meat loaves and veggies. C'mon." He enticed her with a grin and she ultimately gave in, letting him warm her up a small plate, which was just as delicious as all the other foods he made.
"Forget mystery novels," she said as she ate, "you should write a cookbook."
Castle laughed loudly. "I don't know about that. For me, learning to cook was about self-preservation. If I didn't learn to make the meals, Mother would have poisoned me long ago."
After she finished her plate, Kate deposited it into the dishwasher and then turned to the man hovering by the kitchen island watching her with adoration. Her heart began to race as she stepped up to him. She really did not want to have this conversation, but it was, unfortunately, a necessity. "I cannot even begin to thank you for what you've done for us the past week."
He stood up a bit straighter as he looked at her. "Why do I sense a 'but' coming?"
"I...I know that you're a good father—an amazing one because Alexis is incredible, but... I have to do whatever I can to remove my daughter's father from her life for her own safety. Given everything that's happened, I think she's going to try and cling on to a male figure and I'm concerned that...well that she's going to become too attached to you. She already is."
Castle's gaze was soft and steady as he promised, "I care about her—and you."
Kate's heart broke a little at his words. "That's very kind. You're such a sweet man, Rick, but I can't...I can't do this."
"What's this?"
"I...I don't know." She shrugged and flopped her arms down at her sides. God, she was so desperately bad at this. She had never been particularly good at relationships or dealing with her feelings after her mother's death, and then adding Johnny into the mix had made her hundreds of times worse. "I don't know what you're looking for or if you're interested in-"
"I'm incredibly interested." He stepped forward and leaned in towards her. "You're one of the most amazing people I've ever met."
Her cheeks felt like fire as she shook her head and dropped her gaze towards the countertop. "I doubt that, but the thing is...as much as I might like you I can't be involved with any men. Too much has happened and I just...can't. I'm sorry."
Maybe if her mother hadn't died. Maybe if her father hadn't promised again and again to stay sober only to wind up being arrested of public intoxication—again. Maybe if Johnny hadn't…been Johnny. Maybe then her heart wouldn't have felt like it was stuck together by safety pins and duct tape. She could see herself falling for him so easily because of how amazing he was. Hell, in some ways she'd already begun to tumble, but she wasn't sure if she could survive another heartbreak, especially not then as she was entrenched with cleaning up Johnny's mess.
"Kate—may I?" He held out his hand and hovered it beside her arm, requesting permission to touch. She bobbed her head and his palm skimmed down her bicep until his fingers closed around her elbow. "I completely understand that you've had some truly terrible things happen so forgive me but—do you really intend to spend the rest of your life alone? Is that what you want for yourself? For Abby?"
Of course the answer was no, but she honestly wasn't sure how she would move from the place she was then to a happily ever after. It felt like crossing the Atlantic with only a kayak and a weathered pine board to use as a paddle. "I don't know, Rick; I really don't. I've been burned so many times…"
He placed a hand on her other arm so he could hold her in place just a foot away from him. "Kate—I swear to you I would never hurt you. Not like Johnny does. Not like anyone has."
He sounded as though he was begging her to believe him and she wanted to. Of course she trusted that he wouldn't strike her or assault her in another way—he simply wasn't the type—but what if they were together for a while and he found someone else? Someone who didn't have intimacy issues, baggage, or a small child? Plus they hadn't yet known each other two months! "I…I don't think we know each other well enough for you to promise that."
"So let's change that. Let's get to know each other better."
She slid away from his grasp, shaking her head as all the complexities of being in a relationship filtered through her mind. "The thing is—if I was going to date you I would do so without letting Abby meet you for a while—a long while, because I wouldn't want her to get attached. She's had enough hurt in her life."
He nodded. "Hey, I get that. Remember—I'm a single parent, too. I was the same way after Meredith left; Alexis was almost exactly Abby's age when I started dating again. But I still found a way and so can we. Please?"
As his hand skimmed over hear back a sob bubbled up from her diaphragm and she covered her face with her hands. She wanted to scream out to him, ask why he was being so nice to her when she didn't deserve it, but felt too strangled by her emotions to do so. The thought of dating him—adding him to the mix of work, Abby, and all her usual household chores—felt overwhelming. She didn't want to remove him completely from her life. That would have been far too sad, plus he was kind enough to provide the lawyer she was using to fight Johnny's custody agreement, but dating was a whole other commitment. "God Rick…I don't even have time to breathe—I have no idea how I'd date you. Or if I'm even ready for that."
"Non-date dates. Friend-dates?"
She lowered her hands and turned to see that he was grinning at her, ever hopeful, ever persistent. She wanted to kiss him, which was an emotion that terrified her, because she hadn't wanted to kiss anyone in years. "I…maybe."
"We can work something out. If you want to?"
A small laugh escaped her lips. "You're not going to let me say no."
"Nope."
When he grinned at her she fell forward against his chest and wrapped her arms around him. Perhaps he was the exact thing she never realized she needed: someone to give her a push, someone to give her a challenge. He refused to accept no as an answer and wouldn't let her walk away, because he knew just as she did deep down: it was far better for both of them if she stayed; if she gave them a chance.
Taking in a deep breath, she let out a slow exhale as she sunk her body further into his. "Okay."
