So, I'm barely paying attention to the Teen Choice Awards. I know I'm a selfish, singularly minded fan, but whey can't every segment have an awesome Glee person in it? All these other people are boring. Except for Kenny Jueong. He's the shiz. Asian power!
Okay...this is a seriously long chapter for the crack fic. I couldn't stop writing. Please enjoy...
-Chapter Nine-
***August 2010***
Puck noiselessly and swiftly walked down the hallway, showing stealth that only a truly gifted juvenile delinquent would have. He crouched low at the end of the hallway and held up his fist. His partners in crime came to a complete, silent stop at his command and waited, crouching, ready to attack. They were well-versed in the plan, the possible contingencies and plan alternates. Sure, they were four teenagers, but they were ready to take these guys down.
"This is so awesome. It's totally Call of Duty…"
Puck held his fist higher and smacked Finn in the head sharply. Even the slightest whisper would throw off everything. Of course he agreed with Finn, he felt like a badass video game character at the moment, but he didn't feel the need to freaking coo about it like an amused toddler.
"HEY! Where'd Mack and Tony go? I swear to God, that if they're messing with those girls in the vault, I'm gonna cover their balls in breadcrumbs and then shove a box of rats down their pants…"
Puck felt Finn squirm and he gave his friend a knowing look. Shit…he still hadn't gotten to go the bathroom.
"Go and rustle them up, Tim. We need to get into this vault. Like yesterday, friend."
Puck looked to the other side of the hallway where Quinn and Rachel looked like scared bunnies, clasping their hands together as they crouched low, tensed and waiting for the inevitable confrontation. He swallowed and looked to Finn, who nodded tersely as they heard the approaching footsteps. A door creaked open and shut and a quite a few things happened all at once, the action was blurry and wild and the boys couldn't help but feel that they had been taken out of the video game and thrown into a Jason Bourne movie.
"What the-"
The thug's voice was cut off as Rachel suddenly flung herself at the man's back, stealthily clinging to him like a freaking monkey as small arms quickly gripped his neck in a headlock, applying the exact right amount of pressure on the exactly correct spot to render his voice totally useless. Quinn shoved one of Finn's socks into the guy's mouth and quickly maneuvered around the staggering, voiceless man and Rachel, who was still clinging tightly to his back with a piece of fabric that had been ripped from Puck's shirt. The gag was in place and tied incredibly tightly as the unfortunate criminal gagged on the sweaty sock. Rachel hopped off of the man's back and Quinn gripped her hand once more and scurried out of the way, allowing the two boys to step up.
If they could have read each other's minds at that moment, Finn and Puck would have whole heartedly been in agreement. This plan was fan-fucking-tastic. Every ounce of aggression that had been boiling in their bodies since the age of ten came out in a rush of really awesome violence. Puck focused on crushing his fist against the dude's midsection, expelling short, staccato breaths with each blow that landed. Finn focused on the guy's head and in the matter of sixty seconds, the criminal was rendered completely unconscious.
Rachel squeezed Quinn's hand and Quinn smirked at her, knowing what dirty thoughts were zipping through the brunette's mind.
"Yeah yeah, violence is bad, but that was totally hot," Quinn murmured. She felt her lips curling upwards even more as Finn dragged the unconscious body further down the hall. "Look at him…he's all hot and sweaty and…"
"Invigorated and glowing and gorgeous," Rachel finished, instead of staring at Finn, watching as Puck cracked his knuckles and surveyed their situation.
Puck smiled down at the girls and said, "You two are like cat's in heat. Try not to spray the hallway, 'kay?"
***July 2010***
"Dude, you got it?" Puck demanded as he gripped Rachel's and Quinn's hand as they navigated the uneven earth of Brandi's farm. He caught Finn's scowl at him holding both of their hands and narrowed his eyes in retaliation. "If they trip and fall, their gonna hurt their ankles. We can't carry them everywhere."
"Whatever, man," Finn furrowed his brow, sniffing the air like a greyhound.
Well shit.
Here's the thing about having a hardcore best bro for six years out of your life. The dude can freaking sense when he's gotten some kind of action. The first time this was demonstrated was when they turned fourteen and Finn, Matt and Mike could all tell that he had gotten to third base with one of the junior varsity Cheerios. The friends just knew the day after the first time Mike had been allowed to witness Brittany and Santana's special girl time. And Matt had even known the day after Finn had lost his V-card to Santana. It was like a Spidey-sense of Sex and sure an outsider would have thought it at least mildly disturbing, but the four friends had just used this super power to bond further, bumping fists in congratulations at their most righteous scores.
"Get in the truck!" Puck ordered his friend as he hoisted Quinn then Rachel into the cab.
Finn looked as if his head was about to explode as he demanded in a frighteningly low voice, "Which one, dude?"
"Get in the truck, Finn. Now is not the time," Puck growled back.
"FINN!" Quinn demanded, holding out her hand for the boy to get in the truck. "Please?"
Finn acquiesced and the quartet where snugly secure in Brandi's truck cab. Puck made the engine roar to life and he quickly got the behemoth vehicle moving, going directly towards the six-foot high security fence.
"Hold on tight!" Puck ordered, squinting at his target severely as Rachel's hands went around his waist as tightly as they could.
The fence gave way with a sickening screeching crunch and the gray dusk of night was lit up suddenly with sparks from the clashing of metal. Puck swallowed as he continued to hurtle the truck cab through the densely wooded area, dodging as gracefully as he could with the huge truck. Five minutes had put at least five miles between the teenagers and their crazy kidnapper.
"Noah…there's a creek up ahead," Rachel said desperately, clinging to him as the truck jostled violently over the forest floor.
"PUCK?" Quinn screeched as they rapidly approached the stream, obviously he had no intention of stopping. She curled herself into Finn's strong embrace as they were jostled by the truck moving over a thick layer of pebbles.
"Floor it dude!" Finn advised, letting out a whoop of both fear and excitement as Puck followed his directions.
They careened wildly over the shallow waters, Puck gripping the wheel as tightly as he could, giving quick yanks to the left and right to avoid hydroplaning and tipping the truck cab. They reached the other side and were going far too fast as the truck dove into the woods again, veering back and forth in the rough terrain. Puck's eyes widened in sudden fear as his foot hit the brake and he took his hands off the wheel, turning his body so as to shield Rachel's, watching as Finn did the same with Quinn as they crashed into a very large tree.
Silent moments passed as the truck's engine died and the creaking and moaning of the tree was the only sound in the quiet and cool evening air. A sickening crack cut through the silence and Puck squeezed Rachel's body tighter as a large tree branch fell onto the truck, smashing in the front window. Quinn whimpered as she felt a wave of shattered glass hit Finn's arm, rebounding and scratching at her cheek. Silence permeated the night again and the quartet inspected each other as best they could for injury.
"Everyone out," Puck ordered, happy to see that they were all alive and no worse for the wear. "We're eight miles and a creek away from Brandi and she has no way to get to us even after she wakes up from her magic hot cocoa…Let's walk another mile and we can set up camp for a few hours of sleep…then we head to the road and away from Jesus camp."
"Sounds good," Finn nodded, gripping the bag full of the provisions he had been instructed to gather. "I stole her soup. Chicken and stars. Quinn's favorite."
Rachel wrinkled her nose and Puck squeezed her shoulder, "I know you don't eat meat…"
"Don't be silly, this forest is full of lush vegetation, I'm sure I can find some form of sustenance on the way to avoid the horror of eating poor, defenseless chickens," Rachel asserted with a ridiculous amount of bravado.
They walked away from the smoldering truck and continued their path through the woods to what they all hoped was civilization. They utilized the quickly waning light to gather firewood and in Rachel's case, perfectly acceptable organic vegetation. They found a place in the middle of the mountain where there was a fresh water pool and a natural clearing. Finn went about making a fire while Puck set up their temporary shelter with the blankets that Finn had absconded from Brandi's cabin.
"Where is Quinn?" Rachel wondered, looking up from her food preparation curiously. "She hasn't insulted me in five minutes."
"Here…" Quinn announced holding something in her hands like a prize. She grinned at the boys and said, "While you ladies were setting up camp, I totally scored us some meat."
Rachel gasped as Quinn went about preparing her freshly caught animal. The young blonde had been the second daughter of an avid hunter. Only Finn knew that she was extremely adept at snaring wild animals. He smiled at her winningly as Puck cringed at the tears in Rachel's eyes.
"You killed Thumper!" Rachel wailed suddenly. "Why on Earth? You…we had Chicken and Stars soup, why would you need to hurt the poor bunny?"
"Bunny is delicious," Quinn insisted strongly. "You're CRAZY, Rupaul. It's not Thumper…it's not the Cadburry bunny. It's just a wild hare from the foothills of West Virginia…my Dad would have given me a hundred dollars for catching this back in the day."
"It was a poor defenseless creature!" Rachel insisted dramatically.
"It's the circle of life," Quinn countered obnoxiously. "You'll be a part of it when your body is seriously out of protein and you get eaten by a bear or something."
The boys continued to put together their makeshift campgrounds while the girls prepared their food. Rachel dished out soup for the boys, to which Quinn added freshly grilled meat. And she had been right. It was seriously delicious. Rachel pouted into her mushrooms, stoically avoiding conversation.
"I'll take some of those," Puck suddenly announced holding out his small bowl for some of Rachel's mushrooms. "They look good, Berry-pants."
"Thank you Noah," Rachel turned on her mega-watt grin, giving him a share to mix in with what was now a stew of Chicken and Stars, rabbit and wild mushrooms. She felt a tap on her shoulder and her smile softened shyly as Finn held out his bowl as well. She looked at Quinn questioningly and the blonde rolled her eyes and held out her bowl, accepting a few grilled mushrooms.
"Despite the fact that in a few hours we'll have an insane psychopath diligently chasing us, and the very real possibility that the police will be chasing as well since we did at least eight illegal things today…this is a little fun," Rachel admitted. She turned to Puck and grinned again, "Remember all the fun we had in the Poconos two summers ago?"
"I lit my hair on fire and we made out constantly. Yeah. I remember the awesome," Puck smirked.
"Ugh…made out constantly," Quinn shivered, flashing back to what she had been forced to witness between the two Jews when she had let them out of the repentance box. "Gross."
"Gross…ggrrrrroooooooossss. GRRRRRR! Oooos," Finn babbled, taking another bite of his food. "GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR…"
"oss," Quinn finished with a giggle.
"Grossity gross of the grossest grossness!" Rachel enunciated very clearly before laughing her head off.
Puck looked between his three travel companions warily before a very familiar feeling began to take over. Yeah…he used to score shit from the Chronic Lady all the time. Before Sandy Ryerson fell into Pot heaven this past year, he had always specialized in one thing. And Puck had partaken in it more times than he could count.
"Berry-pants?" he whispered, looking next to him to see her giggling and suddenly lovely pink lights lit up all around her beautiful face. He reached out and touched one of them, laughing when it eluded his grasp. He put his hand on her face and was overwhelmed at the sensation. He loved to touch her, but never before had her skin felt so amazing.
"I love you too, Noah," Rachel whispered. "Fucking love you."
"WOW! Manhands swore!" Quinn shrieked in delight. She climbed on top of Finn to be closer to Rachel and she clapped her hands together, not even bothering to stop Finn's wandering hands from writing his name on her backside. "DO IT AGAIN!"
"Berry-pants?" Noah said again. "You're beautiful…and smart….and talented…and you totally just got us all high?"
"With the power of my melodic voice?" Rachel wondered dreamily, reaching out into the night air. "There's music everywhere, Noah. It's in the air. It's all over your face. Your face is a song!"
"Quinn is now mine forever. I wrote my name on her," Finn announced, before going back to doodling his name with his index finger in the air. "And the air is mine too. Every time you breath or look at Quinn, I get a nickel."
"Quinn…I have to confess to you, that for the better part of this year, I thought that I could ferret Finn away from you…and I apologize because I feel that I have led you both astray in the fact that I kept the true Puckleberry hidden for the last six years…"
"You're like a soap opera…I'm watching a life soap opera. These are the days of our Berry…" Quinn giggled, watching Rachel's face intently.
"Berry-pants, focus!" Puck ordered. He laughed when she whipped her head his way, amused by the way the sparkling lights that lit her face danced at her movement. "I've been saying that to you forever…you always listen. Like what I say's important."
"Coming soon on Days of Our Berry…" Quinn whispered. She giggled as Finn hit a sensitive spot of her body and she tackled him off of the log he had been perched on. "You wrote your name on me!"
"Cause now you're Finn's Quinn," Finn nodded with the most serious expression he could muster. "Finn's Quinn's Pin's Bin's Din's Min's Win's."
"Those aren't words!" Quinn cooed. She rolled over, gripping Finn with her as they rolled further and further away from the campfire.
"Hey! Where are you two going?" Puck demanded, feeling gravity pull at his high.
"To make out in a box!" Quinn laughed maniacally as they rolled a safe distance from camp. There was silence for a moment and then,
"I totally wrote my name on your tongue with my tongue! Now it belongs to me too!" Finn shrieked excitedly.
"Sing a song!" Quinn demanded before loudly smacking her lips against Finn's neck. "We're in a movie, we need a song!"
"I am so prepared to perform!" Rachel said with fevered excitement, standing up and griping Puck's hand, dragging his reluctant body into a standing position. "Noah, we must take this opportunity with the largest amount of enthusiasm you can muster. For young musical artists such as ourselves, our greatest opportunity to make the largest impact on our key demographic is to have our song featured in a popular teenage romantic comedy. Much like Hayley Williams and Paramore did in Twilight with their career defining song Decode, we must seize this opportunity with relish and…GUSTO!"
"Kay," Puck shrugged. "Can we sing something that doesn't suck?"
"I'm open to non-sucking suggestions," Rachel nodded. "Mostly due to the fact that for some strange reason I can't remember one single song in the entire universe! NOAH! My brain is broken! It's BROKEN!"
##"I told you that you would put on some weight
You went out with somebody named Finn Hudson!
You preferred to go to a volleyball game
I told you that you couldn't be more lame "###
Rachel's eyes lit up as suddenly her brain stopped melting and she immediately knew the lyrics to the song Puck sang with a smirk. She reached out with expectant arms, and Puck immediately complied, accepting her waltz frame as they slowly danced around the fire. She grinned and sang along with him,
##"No way, we ain't gonna break up
We made a promise and our will won't fade out
Not just in oh-eight and oh-nine
we'll be together from now until the end of time
you got the Shirley Appleby look
I'm totally caught up in your hook
You know that we are gonna be okay
We'll stick together as we're trippin' down the freeway "##
Finn's voice suddenly echoed from the private makeout spot that he and Quinn had rolled to, joining in the song that he and Puck had made their official Let's get High soundtrack.
##"You withheld the physical love I need
I said "hey, that I'm gonna play left field"
You broke down and told me you loved me true
I said "Girl, I got to be with you" "##
"No way, we ain't gonna break up," Quinn sang sweetly, before shutting Finn up totally by kissing him ardently.
"I made a promise and our will won't fade out," Rachel cooed at Puck, stopping their lazy waltz as they danced in the classic middle school style her head resting on his shoulder.
"Not just in oh-nine and oh-ten,we'll be together from now until the very end," Puck sang. "You know that we are gonna be okay, we'll stick together as we're trippin' down the freeway."
***Elsewhere, July 2010***
Mike felt the car lurch to a stop and turned his head to face Matt, who was sniffing the air once more. He couldn't help a tiny smile as he asked, "Whatcha got?"
"Finn just got laid," Matt said seriously. "Good to know that while we're kidnapped, one of our best buds is enjoying girlie goodies."
"Huh…I wonder, not Rachel? Cause I'm not holding Puck back if Finn is idiotic enough to go there," Mike said seriously. He turned his blind gaze curiously as the door opened. "Are we there yet?"
The boys were yanked unceremoniously from the car and pushed blindly down a street. A street clearly filled with people as a curious murmur went through the air. A pair of lips were against Mike's ear and he smirked knowingly.
"Dance." The unseen person demanded sweetly.
Matt jumped out of his skin as someone hissed in his ear, "Beat box. Now."
He swallowed nervously before complying, softly at first, but gaining more volume and confidence as the unseen crowd clearly got into it. He could feel a breeze hit his face and knew that his best friend was popping, locking and being a boy on strings to the pretty awesome freestyling he was pushing. He was in a zone and time seemed to disappear as they continued their impromptu performance, blindfolded in front of a nearly frenzied crowd.
"Always remember what I'm about to do to you. Remember that this is my revenge."
Matt froze, his lips puckered in mid-beat as he felt a strong pair of hands grip at his waistband.
Santana.
Oh. Shit.
"PANTSED!"
# # #
Song credit: "Tripping Down the Freeway" by Weezer. I'm showing my age here, but Weezer is super awesome. This is from Raditude. Super fun song.
So, are Fuickleberry all secret ninjas now? Are they going to take down a bunch of gun-toting criminals with the power of Finn's stinky socks alone? And seriously? How conceited is Puck going to get after badassly crashing Brandi's truck to smithereens? And seriously, how secretly innocent are all four of these kids if they just ate wild mushrooms without even thinking that they could be the good shrooms? And how long will they be high? Are they going to continue to make a living musical so long as they're high? And Santana's much needed revenge was pantsing Matt? That shit happened six years ago. Crazy (awesome) witch. And where have Santana and Brittany taken the boys? Was Matt wearing boxers or briefs?
All of these questions and so many more will be answered in Chapter 10 of Fuickleberry Saves the World: The Dramatic and Badass Rescue of Mike Chang and Matt Rutherford!
