Side effects they don't advertise. I've been sleeping so strange, with a head full of pesticide. - We Are Nowhere and It's Now, Bright Eyes
July 2017, Stars Hollow
He's in the car again. The dark road ahead is lit by his headlights, and twists jaggedly while coming at him at terrifying speed. The car keeps pulling off in different directions, the steering wheel seemingly with a mind of its own. Will's in the back, in his chair, cries rising from the sudden turns the vehicle makes. That wakes him up, the real cries of his son.
Rory's already on her way up but he grasps her arm, pulling her back down softly.
"I got it." He stumbles out of bed and stubs his toe on the edge of the bed.
They're presently in Stars Hollow, in Rory's old room and he lacks the habit for navigating it at three am. He tried suggesting the apartment above the diner, but Lorelai wouldn't hear of it. She's already head over heels for her grandson and wants all the time she can get with him. Rory has a meeting with Diane in the morning, and since Will is only a month old, mother and son has issues parting for longer than a few hours. Besides, Doula has yet to meet Will and it is definitely time.
Jess stifles a tirade of profanities and limps up to the cot, lifting Will from it. Mostly he wants Rory this time a night but Jess tries calming him anyway so she can get some precious sleep. He changes him and then paces at the edge of the bed and the limp seems to help, because Will falls quiet and eventually back into slumber. He himself won't though. He doesn't even try. Instead he keeps Will in his arms and sits down in the easy chair in the corner, it's already padded with pillows and blankets to make it easier for Rory to stay there for longer periods. He just shuffles it around a bit and leans back. It won't be long before Will wakes up again, might as well be ready for it.
When he closes his eyes, dark road is rushing onto him so he keeps them open. He looks at his son instead. He's grown a lot. One and a half inches and he's gained thirty-five ounces since he was born. He's lost some of the troll-like features that he had at birth and become distinctly more baby-like: Softer skin, actual cheeks, and light blue, curious eyes, when they're open. He sleeps a lot, an annoying portion of it during the day, while waking up in intervals all through the night. They take turns getting up when it's possible. He tries to do more, since Rory's on what Sylvie referred to as "mom-brain"; Hormones keep her sleeping lightly so she'll wake up when Will does, while at the same time letting her keep enough energy to function, sort of. It's clear that she's not all there, most days. He's caught her pouring coffee into her cereal twice.
Will's kept the crazy hair though. It's dark and soft but stubbornly sticking straight up from his head and it's turning stranger by the day as an inverted donut-do is forming around his scalp from all the lying down he's doing. It looks ridiculous. 'Ridiculously cute.' Rory says, but Lorelai laughs every time she sees him without a beanie.
He gets where Rory's coming from, but he has trouble seeing it since he can't look at his son for too long; It makes it hard to breathe. Fortunately holding him makes it easier. It's a natural comfort without having to think too hard about what it means.
He'll observe separate parts instead, the hair, for instance, the fingernails and tiny heels. And notice how his own existence seems bent around the tiny body; How he'll want Will and Rory in certain places and himself somewhere between them and whatever he's deemed too unpredictable. Years of using this strategy to place himself out of real and perceived harm's way finally come to fruition.
He must be dozing off and on because when Will whimpers the next time the sun has risen, and horizontal rays given structure by dust particles in the air sneak through the window. Before he's gotten his bearings Rory's up, leans over him and picks up Will. She backs up to the bed and sits down leaning against the headboard, pulls down her t-shirt and puts Will to her breast.
During the years he has summoned the image of her as a way to push himself forward when he's been stuck in different ways. He's imagined her buying a house, getting married, being unreasonably successful and even having kids. The ultimate stab to urge himself onward. For a moment it's surreal to actually see her like this, and for it to have something to do with him, of course, he's barely awake. She returns the look.
"You need to sleep." She lectures.
"You sleep."
She shakes her head, smiles a little.
"What time is it?" He mumbles.
"About five thirty." She says.
"I'll go make coffee."
He walks into the kitchen and carries out his plan, and the sound of the coffee maker seems to serve as a wake-up call because Paul Anka comes trotting, and there are distinct sounds of people moving around upstairs. Fifteen minutes later they're all around the table apart from Will who sits in his baby bouncer in the corner, Paul Anka nearby but not too close, having learned the hard way about the strength of baby-fists, cups of coffee and varying degrees of breakfast in front of them. Rory's chewing on a piece of high bran sour dough bread inflicted on her by Luke, while Lorelai gets away with a pop tart. Despite this she doesn't get the energy to speak until her second cup of coffee, and he files this information away if he ever needs her muted.
"What's the plan? When's your meeting?"
"At nine." Rory answers. "Don't know how long it'll go on for though. How'll you spend your time?"
"Oh, don't worry about us. Me and the boys solemnly swear that we're up to nothing but good."
"I'm meeting Doula at noon." Jess adds.
"Great, I'll keep you updated." Rory gets up, stops behind him momentarily pecking the top of his head, and goes to take a shower.
About an hour later she says goodbye and gets in the car to drive to Hartford. By then Luke's off to the diner, and Jess, Will and Lorelai hangs out at the house, the latter taking a few calls for the Inn. Jess lets Will stay in the bouncer for as long as he has the energy to examine the colorful wooden pearls threaded over the wire across the chair. He himself browses through Rory's old books, lacking the capacity to concentrate on anything new, or more likely, needing the comfort of the known.
After a while he packs up all the stuff necessary for any outing with a baby and the three of them walk into town. Lorelai pushes the pram and coos at Will continuously. They've been here for a couple of days already, so the biggest racket about Will, Rory and him, in that order, has already been had, but he still catches Miss Patty staring curiously at them when they arrive at Luke's.
"You're married to the man, I'm sure you can have him make this food for you at home with your powers of persuasion. Why do you still insist on the diner?" He asks with some irritation, not keen on spending time in a crowded room where his month old son is the center of everyone's attention.
"Not the same." She answers curtly.
"Whatever."
"And second breakfast is a thing." They're right outside the diner at this point and she taps her foot at him.
"In the Shire, maybe."
"Don't worry, I'm sure Luke can get you some cheese for your whine." She sticks out her tongue at him.
"Right."
"Look, if you prefer paying a visit to Unicornocopia or hanging out with Babette's garden gnomes, go ahead. Me and Will are gonna be fine on our own."
Lorelai doesn't leave her grandson if she can help it, and it is clear that if he wants to be elsewhere he's going to have to go it alone. In theory not a problem, but his stomach pinches at the thought.
"Forget it." He sighs and opens the door.
"I'll try." She glares at him and pushes the pram inside, to Luke's loud but ignored protests.
As they leave the diner after their meal and go to cross the street, he spots him, over by Doose's Market; Dean, surrounded by what he assumes are his many children. Dean looks up and their eyes meet for a split second before Jess looks away, pretending he didn't see him. But when he glances over moments later, Dean is still looking at him, his facial expression mixed to say the least. A blonde, tall woman has joined the children outside the store and is distributing apples among them. Lorelai's still talking but falls silent when Dean starts making his way towards them.
"Woah. Don't look now." She whispers, in a painfully obvious way.
"Too late," he replies behind clenched teeth, then turns to face Dean.
"Hi!" Dean greets them.
Jess transforms his sigh to a greeting as well.
"Hi, Dean!" Lorelai says, warmly, and leans in for a hug.
Dean smiles.
"I wasn't sure if I should- but I just had to have a closer look. Is this-?"
He leans over the pram and inspects Will who blinks at the towering giant.
"Yeah, Will 'Hardware' Gilmore."
Dean laughs.
"Hi there," he says to Will, then turns to Jess.
"May I?" He reaches for Will.
Jess twitches as he prevents himself from placing his body between Dean and Will. Every fiber of his being yells no, and he hesitates, long enough for Dean to notice, and look at him with a mixture of disbelief and pity. Yeah, he doesn't miss that.
"Oh, come on," Dean says, smile disarming, but not without a hint of glee. "I'm something of an expert."
If Rory was here, there'd be no question, so he channels her and lifts Will from the pram, handing him over to Dean. He has to look, has no choice, with that oaf holding his son. He bites the inside of his cheek to control his expression. Dean's face goes soft and he lifts Will up, close to his face.
"Hi Will. Nice to meet you."
"Is that a baby!?" A sharp exclaim cuts through the air and all three of Dean's kids come running. The woman, pushing a pram of her own follows. Jess feels Lorelai's hand on his arm, an anchor holding him in place. Dean squats and his children surround him, oh:ing and ah:ing, surprisingly hushed and careful.
The woman with the pram joins them and greets them like an adult. She's tall, possibly even a match for her husband, and valcyric, nothing like Rory, on the surface at least. The baby in the pram points to Will.
"Baby!"
"That's right", Dean goes, and looks to Lorelai and Jess. "Takes one to know one." He gets up and hands Will back to Jess. "He sure is a pretty little guy. He must take after his mother."
Lorelai laughs. Loudly. Deceitful woman. But then again... Jess smiles tightly.
"Let's hope so." He admits.
Dean smiles at him, and for a second there's real warmth in his eyes.
"It was nice running into you, getting to meet the baby. Give Rory my love. Come on kids!"
"Bye!" Lorelai says and waves as the group of people move on like a well-coordinated flock of birds.
Jess puts Will back in the pram. Lorelai turns to him, clearly with things on her mind.
"What?" He says.
"Guard-dog Jess." She nods, as if considering the words. "I like it."
"I didn't-" He starts.
"Slightly misplaced, y'know, but..."
"Did I hinder him in any way? No."
"But it was pretty clear what you wanted to do."
He straightens his back and raises his eyebrows at her.
"Which is what?"
"Protect your baby from the big, bad man."
He can't deny this without lying to her face, so he tries frankness instead.
"Well, he hates me."
Lorelai snorts.
"First off; Still? Not necessarily."
"Hey, I didn't even hate Chuck Presby and I still think he's a jerk-"
"To be fair, I happen to know that Chuck Presby still is a jerk." Lorelai interjects.
"My point was, time is irrelevant. He has no reason not to hate me."
"And my point, which was really my second, was, so what?" Lorelai instantly responds. "He doesn't hate Rory, wouldn't hurt Will."
Jess is silent. Knows she's right.
"You're a new parent, so it's to be expected that you're a little tense." She goes on. "I'm just trying to make sure you don't go all survivalist for nothing."
"It's on me to make sure he's safe." Jess says, words intensely familiar from him repeating them to himself in different forms for weeks.
"And it should be, and you should, and I don't care if you let Dean cuddle your newborn or not, that's between Rory and you, I'm simply checking to see that you don't drive yourself crazy, we need you sane." She pauses briefly before going on. "And I'm sure you have your reasons, I'm just not sure that they're needed anymore."
"I went out of my way to piss him off, so I think it's only fair that I feel a little bad about it." He mumbles.
"Woah." Lorelai goes, frowning. "Do you think you deserve feeling like shit?"
He bites on a nail, doesn't answer, because, yeah, that's exactly what he thinks, he's just not real upset about it. It seems like balance, like science. It's also a side effect of keeping people in your life scarce, you can track every storyline down to singular events. There should be a diagnosis for it. Either way you pay, sooner or later. But Lorelai doesn't seem happy with this idea. She makes eye contact.
"Look, not sure how to tell you this without offending someone but, seems to me you're suffering from some form of personality dysmorphic disorder."
"Lorelai-"
"You're too hard on yourself!"
He has ways of handling this scenario with Luke or Rory - he can tell the former to get lost and the latter can be distracted in a myriad of ways – but he cannot shield himself from Lorelai. Luckily, it's getting late.
"I appreciate the sentiment, but I don't have time for a life coach session right now."
Lorelai shakes her head and rolls her eyes.
"Suit yourself. See you at home." She waves dismissively at him, leans over the pram to kiss Will. "Bye baby!" She walks off.
Jess pushes the pram in the opposite direction of Liz' and TJ's house. He and Doula have strategically picked a time when Liz is at the store and TJ busy in one of his sheds. He knocks lightly at the door before entering. Doula comes running on the pads of her feet, expression excited. She butts him in the chest with her head as a greeting before turning to look at Will.
"Wow." She says.
"I agree." He puts his arm around her shoulders and they stand like that for a minute before Doula reaches for Will.
"Can I hold him?"
"Of course. Better to sit down the first time though."
Doula runs ahead of him into the kitchen while he plucks Will from the pram. As he enters the room she's picking out cups and plates. The coffee maker hisses on the counter and there are muffins set out on the table.
"You didn't have to-"
"Shut up. I had to do something for my first close encounter. Is it alright if I sit here?"
"Sure."
She takes a seat in one of the kitchen chairs, legs together, both feet to the floor, arms at her sides.
"Hold out your arms." He instructs. "Support his head." He hands over Will to his sister who receives the baby with a small but warm smile.
"Here's your nephew, auntie."
Her smile grows wider, her new braces showing.
"Awesome! What are my powers?"
He laughs.
"Well, you'll teach him to draw, and you know, how to be a good guy."
"No way! You'll do that."
He falls quiet at the impact of her words. She whispers at Will who blinks back at her, strokes her finger down his nose, then she looks up at Jess and chuckles at his expression.
"Oh, shut up."
"I didn't-" he starts.
"Well, you not talking is really loud."
He grabs a muffin to hide behind and she goes back to gazing at Will. Beside her soft whispers there isn't many sounds around. A distant irregular banging from the yard, a clock on the wall ticking. It isn't lost on him that it was in this room that he held Doula for the first time.
They get a full half hour together in peace before Liz returns.
"Why didn't you tell me you'd be here?"
"It was a lucky coincidence-" Doula starts, but falters as Liz eyes the muffins still on the table. Jess winces and makes a mental note to teach her how to lie better.
"-That Doula got hold of me the other day." He fills in, while turning to Liz. "I was supposed to call you, but I forgot." He adds.
It doesn't matter if she believes him. Him doing her the curtesy of either implying anything apologetic or even bothering to lie means she has to fold.
"But I gotta go. Rory'll be back any minute."
Liz smiles after the smallest of pauses.
"Alright." She heads over to the counter, opening a drawer. She picks up a piece of paper and a pen, scribbling something down. "Here's the number to my friend Amber, you know from the fair?"
He nods, even if he doesn't. Liz hands him the paper.
"She's really good at that astrology stuff. You should call her about Will." She pauses. "Just tell her you're my son, she won't charge you."
He's temped to tell her off but still feels a little bad, so he manages a small, amused smile.
"Thanks. I'll see if we get 'round to it."
Liz sneaks in a cuddle with Will before Jess hovering gets her to surrender him back to the pram and he can get out. He even gets away with a wave at TJ who's exiting a garden shed when he walks down the driveway. Doula follows him a bit up the road.
"You know it wouldn't kill you to let her hang out a bit more with Will." She mumbles.
He stops and turns to glare at her.
"What?" She says. "She's upset about it."
"If she's trying to guilt you into something-" He starts but she interrupts him.
"She hasn't said a thing to me. It's just obvious."
He sighs, tries to explain even if he hasn't given much thought to it, it's all instinct behind the wheel.
"I can't just give it a try. If it doesn't work out it's like I'm the one breaking a promise."
"Where does it say that?" Doula asks. "Nowhere. There are no rules anywhere."
"Look, I just don't want her to get her hopes up."
Doula stares at him for a second, mouth ajar.
"You don't wanna hurt her." She says, tone surprised. "Even if she hurt you."
He has no response. Her eyes go warm and she tilts her head with a slight smile. Then she stands on her toes and pats his head.
"You softie you." Her smile grows wide and mischievous.
"Hey!" He tries, but she's already started walking back to the house. She turns and waves.
"Bye brother!"
He shakes his head but waves back and can't help a smile. Hopeless.
Back at the house he arrives minutes before Rory who's happy about her time with actual adults, from positive feedback, and from the relief of getting to feed Will. She goes on about the meeting and he's relieved just to have them both back somewhere safe. They decide it's better to drive back home tomorrow morning and spend the afternoon in comfortable banter with Lorelai on the porch. Will falls asleep for the night, whatever that means, at about seven and Rory and Lorelai disappear into the living room to catch up on their lifetime movies. He declines to join them, but can't really muster his usual level of mocking, so they leave him be in the sofa. He keeps the baby monitor with him and reads for a while. The summer night is warm, and with the Gilmore-Danes' unattended garden, lined with old trees, the place seems much more exotic than it really is, he's back on To Have and To Have Not and it feels appropriate.
The stairs creek as Luke walks up them. Jess glances at his watch. Almost nine.
"Hey."
"Hey."
Luke sits down next to him and leans back. The constant stream of talk from indoors is broken by a fit of laughter. Luke turns his head.
"Lorelai remembered the TiVo."
"That she did."
"So... No hurry to go inside."
"Nope."
"Heard you had a little run-in-" Luke starts.
Jess chuckles and shakes his head. Loquacious Lorelai.
"I swear to god this day-" He closes the book. "She ran straight back to the diner to tell you?"
"Oh please, the woman won't stop texting me." Luke rants, some relief audible, presumably from venting. "And it's that annoying kind where she sends a sentence, and you start answering that, but right in the middle, she sends another one, and you realize she's nowhere near done, or you both send texts at the same time. The stuff of nightmares."
"You answer your texts?" Jess mocks.
"Don't give me that, like you never make compromises to keep the peace."
Jess sighs, still smiling though.
"I did not have a run-in with anyone. So, I'm not one hundred percent with Rory's elephantine ex handling my month-old son, sue me!"
Luke throws up his hands.
"Hey, I'm not trying to start something, I'm just... observing that you're a bit on edge. And that could be 'cause of anything, or it could be 'cause you're doing that thing where you try to bend existence to your will, which usually works when there's only you, only now there's a real, actual Will, who's a separate being from you. I'm guessing that's a new level of chaos for you." He almost looks pleased with himself as he finishes: "And here's a radical idea; you love your son."
Jess wants to bite back, but feels too exhausted to, and thinks about it instead. The belly-aches, the irritability. Of course. That's the way love comes sometimes. Or at least the practice of love. Doing. Buckling belts, paying attention, comforting when it does no good, waiting, pacing, repeating yourself. And worrying that it's not enough.
"I mostly feel like I don't know how to keep them safe." He admits. "The way I used to protect myself was to just stay in a constant state of stasis, but I can't do that with them." He sighs and stares into the by now dark garden. "How do you stand it?"
"Being happy?" Luke snorts.
Jess nods, resigned. Luke straightens his face.
"Being comfortable and happy don't necessarily belong on the same scale." He shrugs. "In the beginning it felt like being in the eye of the storm or something, and I tried doing what you're doing, I tried to control, compartmentalize it, but that did not, I repeat, did not work. So, when I got a second chance I understood that I had to accept being powerless and now it's just, same old, same old."
"Same old, same old?" Jess repeats, skeptically.
"It rarely gets to be this huge, epic thing. Mainly it's just being content, maybe even a little bored. And sometimes, for certain people, it means being a little antsy." He pauses and fiddles with the sleeves of his shirt. Goes on, seemingly to himself. "Romance and stability were always opposites; You had one but not the other. So, for love to be a stabilizing influence on your- on my life..." He trails off and looks back to Jess. "Happily ever after means Monday to Friday, weekends, 24/7. Even celebrations mean spending time with people I have little to no interest in. But even the boring stuff is never really boring. Being with her, it's constant entertainment, even when I'm begging for it to stop. It's normal to me now, but, I know it's a privilege. Some people will never know."
Luke gets up and opens the door but stops before entering.
"You'll get used to it."
Jess remains sitting, thinking about it and reading some more, trying to process this whole, strange day. The sounds of Rory feeding Will and going to bed crackles through the baby monitor before she shuts it off on her end. The house gets quiet after a while, lights turning off. He heads inside.
He goes into the bedroom and finds Rory on her old bed asleep, Will next to her. He has to move him to fit, but he doesn't do that straight away. Instead he lies down on his side on the edge of the bed facing them. First, he looks at her, and smiles a little about that she has to be part of his retina by now. Then, he looks at Will. Not parts of him, but him. Tries to wrap his head around that he's a person instead of figments, fragments of his imagination, and that he's here, alive, because of him, and then, an equal part because of her. His breath becomes strained, but he breathes through it.
One week later there's knock at the door that startles them out of their slow, Saturday morning haze. Rory shrugs wide-eyed and Jess goes to open the door. It's Lorelai's voice falling into the apartment as soon as the door is opened. There's a tumble as her mother makes her way in, and she herself gets up and goes into the hallway to meet her. Jess is closing the door with Lorelai's jacket flung over his arm, he turns to her and raises his eyebrows. Rory shakes her head in response. She walks up to Lorelai jumping lightly despite her fatigue, as they do whenever they meet after any time-period longer than a week.
"Your buzzer's broken," Lorelai says.
"We know," Rory answers, and hugs Lorelai, "that's why people usually call us when they want to come visit."
"Well, your landlord'll fix it now, I had a chat with him."
"You- How-?"
"Well, I couldn't get in, But I wanted it to be a surprise-"
"Oh, it would have been." Jess says and hangs Lorelai's jacket on the hall stand.
"-so, I knocked on apartment one's window 'til he opened. Turns out that's your landlord."
"We know."
"Well, seems to me you should have done what I did months ago. You can't have people not being able to stage friendly take-overs if they have to call first. Caller-ID's a bitch, and I didn't get the chance to try out my new secret agent persona. It pissed me off, so I told him. Sometimes people find it incredibly hard to say no to me." She pats Jess on the shoulder and walks further into the apartment. "Now, where's my grandchild?" She walks into the kitchen, picks up Will from his bouncer and wraps her free arm around Rory. "There he is! My babies!"
Rory smiles broadly and possibly a bit perplexed. Jess comes into the room.
"Coffee?" He asks. "Side of why you're here?"
"Uhm, yes?" Lorelai says. "And I'm here to take Junior off your hands for the better part of the day. He's about a month old. The code states that this is the time when a grandparent might sweep in and take their grandchild for minor excursions, freeing up time for the new parents so that they can feel like individuals for a few hours again."
"The code?"
Lorelai turns to him, finger to her lips.
"Shush, you're not supposed to know about it until Will has kids of his own."
"All well and good, but please don't spread the news to Liz, I got enough to worry 'bout without her wanting to take care of my infant."
"My lips are sealed. Except for coffee." She takes a sip. "Why don't you pack a bag for Will?"
"Sure."
He walks off. Lorelai takes a seat at the kitchen table, Will in her arms.
"How are you doing?" She asks.
Rory yawns.
"Achy breasts, place is a mess, haven't had a coherent thought in a week, at least." She places her head in her hands. "And, tired"
"Well, good thing I'm here then. I suggest you spend the extra hours in bed, with or without company-"
"Mom!"
"I said you can choose." Lorelai goes on unfazed. "And then later I'll help you move the socks from the fridge to the appropriate drawer and put your keys back in your bag from the spice rack and color code the kitchen utilities, so you'll never pour coffee on the house plants again."
"Thank you, mommy." Rory smiles.
Jess enters the room.
"Bag's in the pram."
"Alright, I'm off. Enjoy the time and don't do anything... I wouldn't do? Or better yet, forget I exist."
"We'll try." Jess sing-songs.
"Don't listen to them, Billy! You and I are gonna paint the town red."
Lorelai moves the pram out through the door with some difficulty and then closes it behind them.
He looks at her and takes a deep breath.
"So..." He starts.
"So."
"Any requests?"
She smiles.
"I'm way behind on my reading."
He scratches his head.
"Oh, yeah, I could use some time with my word processor."
"Okay then."
"Okay."
She does decide to stay in bed and starts by sleeping for a good thirty minutes. Jess wakes her up and puts a cup of coffee on the bedside table before heading out into the living room. The sounds of his keyboard sneaks into the room, and she sips her coffee. Then she starts on a new book. She hasn't read for pleasure for months and soaks up the content like a sponge. An hour passes, and she's almost done with a fourth of the book. She laughs at herself, at her speed and ability to immerse herself, and how she feels like herself more in this simple moment than she has in a while. It's interesting that her first instinct when given this free time isn't to clean the place or to write or edit her manuscript but to read. Like she instinctively knew what she needed to do to reboot. And how she apparently knows herself even without conscious thought. It seems primal in a way, doing what makes your heart strong. She gets out of bed and walks into the living room where Jess is stationed at his computer, playing the keys like a piano.
"You know you don't have to give up writing, right?" She says before even stopping.
He freezes and spins the chair around to face her, expression vaguely curious.
"I mean, for yourself." She fills in.
A tiny smile grazes his lips.
"It's important that you keep doing it." She goes on.
He keeps observing her, and she feels like stomping her foot.
"I like that you're doing it." She says firmly.
He's definitely amused now.
"I want you to write." She says, looking at the ceiling so she doesn't get distracted. "Okay?"
"Okay." He finally says. There's a pause before he points to his screen and goes on. "Right now? 'Cause I was already-"
She laughs and feels silly. Sillier.
"That's not what I meant. Y'know. Just so... you know." She finishes, tone softer.
He tilts his head forward.
"I kinda knew that." His eyes are warm. "But thanks for telling me. It means a lot coming from you. You're the reason I did it to begin with."
She blushes.
"You're a liar!"
He shakes his head firmly.
"Am not. I have the questionable privilege of a good memory. Without you I'd probably-" he sighs, "be in jail." His tone is light, like it's nothing. He even grins as he finishes: "Pathetic, right?"
"Not my first word choice." She mumbles, eyes wide.
He speaks again, explaining.
"You kept me staying with Luke and that got me a bit better. And after I left there I only had what'd happened, and all those books in my head and I couldn't change any of it. I had to write myself out of that and... There."
Her cheeks are burning. She walks up to him and kisses his forehead. Takes a breath and a step back.
"Okay then."
"Okay." He smiles at her and turns back, facing his screen. She gets back to her book.
Lorelai's panting when she enters the apartment dragging Will in the pram. Rory steps aside to make way for them and her mother looks at her curiously.
"So, what've you crazy kids been up to?"
"Oh, mom, thank you, thank you, thank you!" She hugs Lorelai. "I've been in bed, reading, for glorious hours!"
"You read a book!?" Lorelai looks disappointed. Rory reaches to lift Will from his carriage.
"Hi baby!"
"Jess! How could you allow this to happen?"
He comes wandering out into the hallway, a paper from a manuscript in hand.
"What?" He looks up.
"You let her read all day?" Lorelai accuses.
"What d'you want me to do?"
"Take her dancing! Schlep her off on a cruise! Use your imagination!"
"I didn't realize the day off came with instructions."
"I didn't think you needed any!" Lorelai shakes her head. "Oh, forget it, you're hopeless! Where do you keep the spare-sheets?"
Lorelai picks out the things to make up the couch for herself and goes to get take out. They eat and watch a movie after Will is put to bed. At about eleven he wakes up for his first round, and Rory excuses herself for the night. While she's nursing the baby, Jess enters the room and gets into bed. Will usually falls asleep easily at this time of night and tonight is no exception.
She puts Will in his crib and gets under the covers, turns to Jess, and sees he's awake, looking at her in the dusk. She smiles and feels the relief for the first time in a while.
"Mom still up?" She whispers.
"Yup. She had to see how it ended."
"How'd you do today?" She whispers.
"Three thousand words and some editing. Great."
Her smile broadens.
"I'm happy," she says.
"Me too. Gotta send your mom a gift basket at some point.."
"Agreed."
Then,, it's there between them again, and it's first at that moment that she feels how long it's been. It hits her and she forgets to breathe as she leans over and kisses him heatedly, open-mouthed, from the get-go. And he's right there with her, in an instant, and her heart speeds up at the joy of that as well as the touch, taste and sounds of him. She straddles him and he half-sits up in the same motion, leaning head and shoulders against the wall, pushing his body tighter to hers, his increased control evident in his movements against her. Her breath catches up with her again and she does her best to muffle the whimper that escapes on her exhales. A hand of his rises from her bare waist to her face and he strokes her and creates a slight gap between their mouths, slipping his thumb across her lips. She briefly grasps it with her lips and tongue. His breath is on her and she locks eyes with him until they're paced and in sync.
"I love you," she breathes. He smiles and closes his eyes just to open them again, shining, a moment later. For a second, she thinks she can sense his heartbeat vibrating through her body, but it's probably her, or at least a joint effort on their part, being the epicenter. She swallows. She gets on her knees, and inches out of her underwear, an old pair of his boxers, and he follows her example.
"Hey," he whispers purposefully and her eyes meet his again. "Let me know what you want, if something is weird, okay?"
She nods fervently and closes her eyes to make sense of herself. She's been pushing sex ahead of her, it has seemed like too big of a project while staying up nights with Will, or trying to structure their everyday life into some sort of functioning routine. It has seemed far away. But after today, she's back in her body and suddenly in the middle of it. His hand is between her legs, thumb against her clit, and fingers inside her, pushing and pulling slowly. She bites her lip as the sensation travels up her abdomen, down her thighs. Shakes a little, from anticipation and, she has to admit, just a hint of nervousness. She kisses him again, to distract herself, but can't seem to keep from trembling. She reaches between them and strokes him. He gasps at the touch.
"I wouldn't do that, unless you want this to end really quickly."
She blinks, at once infinitely more confident by him acknowledging her power, and she smiles.
"I'm not sure I could handle some marathon my first time back anyway," she purrs and keeps touching him.
"Don't say that." He mumbles through clenched teeth. She chuckles, pushes her mouth to his and whispers, overly moany;
"Oh baby! Give it to me hard and fast."
"Shut up!" He growls, but his lips go tight from his smile.
He's been static up until now, waiting, holding still, his breath the only thing betraying him. But his grip on her tightens, and he reaches for the drawer in the nightstand.
"Do your worst." He hands her the condom.
She does, and he bites his lower lip and closes his eyes, and for a second it's the most adorable he's ever looked, while her lust mixes with amusement. She grabs the hair at the back of his neck and mounts him.
He makes no attempt to move them, so she steps it up. At first, she holds still for a few seconds, to figure out if anything hurts. But nothing does, so she slowly starts moving until the moment comes back to her. It's at that exact time, as she stifles another moan, and not before, that she's intensely impressed by this body of hers; It's never been good at sports, and outside of sex she's had little appreciation for it as it mostly just cries for coffee and demands increased comfort in inappropriate times, and she's joked on more than one occasion that she was made for the Futurama space-age, when being a floating head is a real option. She's underestimated it. It knows so many things she can't put into words, it's capable of creating a person, of birthing a person and it heals itself and allows her to experience pleasure again, with little to no words of encouragement. Go it.
She keeps her movements moderate, in addition to this being their first time back, she also has her mother in the other room and would sooner chew off her own arm than have Lorelai be privy to the sounds of their lovemaking. He matches her motions for a while before losing it. His grip on her hardens to control the outcome of his sharper moves. The hazy thought that his grip might leave marks runs through her head as she climaxes. She kisses him to mute them both.
He whispers how he loves her on the after-waves and tips them over, still inside her, still moving, and she allows herself some hushed, content moans. When she had enough of his body and they're separate people again she inspects her own. She runs her finger over the echoes of his grip on her hip and waist.
"Sorry." He says.
She shakes her head.
"It is okay. I was just thinking that I like my body."
He lets out a silent laugh.
"Join the club."
"No," she goes on, "it's just I never cared about it much. But now, after everything..."
"It's you."
She smiles.
"Yeah."
He has one hand on the wheel and another on the shift stick. Rory's in the passenger seat, head turned to the back seat and carrying a conversation, or rather parrying inquiries from Will who's sitting there. Her answers are clever and playful, generating new questions.
"Why is the cat's meow something good?"
"It's how they go 'wow'."
"Can snakes go backwards?"
"Every way is forward to a snake."
"Do fireflies breathe fire?"
"Only when they're really passionate about something."
Will laughs at each answer. The sound is a tickle made audible and his cheeks ache from the broad smile it causes. He looks in the rearview mirror to see him but only catches glimpses of long, dark hair and flashes of familiar blue eyes behind it. Rory puts her hand on his on the stick and he has no choice but to meet her eyes. He has an itching feeling that he's forgetting something and that he should be more concerned about it but she's looking at him like that and he's too happy to care. They look at each other and he keeps driving.
