I don't suppose I was ever the same after that night. Once Peacock had brought light to my eyes, I simply…wandered, rather than actually walked. I hid away again every night, frightened to be seen. I had persuaded myself I should not be seen, lest I find myself in just as much trouble as I did the last time. My dear companions protected me with a small circle of them around my corner, ready to take hold of any man that came by me with that look in his eye.
Zidler still paid me no attention, and still Christian did not come. These facts were usual, but I could not help but be slightly disappointed. After what had happened to me, something that happened to women every day, I could not help but feel…lost. I didn't expect things to change. I was only fortunate that over time, the pain eased. In fact, I began to look upon the ache as simply an event. Only that. Something that had come, passed, and never was to be dawned upon again in my mind for reasons of sanity.
Igloo had long forgiven the rudeness thrust upon her, and became quiet herself about such issues- although in no respects less boisterous than she had been beforehand. A slight calm came upon me as I knew that she was entirely herself again, more so than I can believe I ever was. She became my closest of companions, forever chattering to me, bad mouthing those who looked down upon our small group, and teaching me the small tricks of how to survive such people. She became a big sister to me rather than my friend, and the dearest of those I knew. Of course, I was still grateful to Peacock, who acted as a mother to me, embracing me as we slept in the way one does to keep their child warm. Urchin was a simple friend to me, one who I took comfort in when I felt as if the world tried to deafen me. These three had always been, and continued to be, my closest of friends, and acted as if I were theirs to protect.
To be honest, I cared little if I were. I took comfort in this, and I wouldn't have had it any other way.
I grew used to the men flirting with me, just assured in knowing someone was always there to distract them. A month passed, and I had even grown to like the attention, just knowing that I did not have to belittle myself by complimenting them back as they handed me money. It was a simple pleasure to be able to do so, but a pleasure nonetheless. Nina, who had long gotten past the joy of knowing I had given in to my last scent of innocence, reverted back to the idea of torturing me with words, believing me to be lesser simply because I refused the business again.
"It's started again, hasn't it?" Igloo said dramatically, collapsing onto a bed in the dormitory one night- the first free night she had had in over a week.
"What?" I asked lightly, not entirely paying attention.
"The taunting, the criticism, such and such."
"Wasn't there always taunting, criticism, such and such already?" Urchin asked.
"Yes, but it paused a little. Then it came back." She sighed theatrically, pointing a finger at me. "Sometimes I wonder why we bother with you."
"Oh, ha ha," I said sarcastically. "You know, that'd probably be funny if I didn't know you were thinking of pulling a similar joke to this one tomorrow."
"How'd you guess?" she asked sweetly, laughing. "Seriously, though, it's starting to piss me off."
"I can't say I like it any better than you do," I told her. "None of us much like it."
"True," Urchin mused. "I could do without the attention."
"Probably because you're odd like that, dear, you don't like attention." Igloo laughed, bemused how anyone could not like attention. It was probably one of the only things I agreed on with Urchin that I didn't with anyone else. We laughed over the conversation for a short while before we were joined in an untimely fashion by Peacock, at which point Igloo could not help but pout.
"You've taken your time," she said, her voice full of the humoristic anger that always told someone she was joking. "What took you so long?"
"Zidler wanted to speak to me," she replied bluntly.
"You're not in trouble, are you?" I asked fearfully.
"No, no, of course not. He just wanted me to ask you to see him for a moment." I could not help but swallow thickly at the statement. Peacock seemed nonchalant until she looked into my eyes, at which point she laughed lightly. "Don't be silly, you're not the one in trouble. He just wanted to ask you something, I don't know what it was about."
Smiling with slight relief, I stood up, making my way out of the dormitory accompanied by Igloo's 'oooh' of mock laughter. I poked my tongue out at her before I got out the door, taking delight in the small amount of revenge. I could not help but try and distract myself from whatever business Zidler might have with me. I could practically count out all of the things he might have been able to say. I did not bring in business. I gave customers the wrong impression far too many times. I gave my customers to other people, therefore utterly breaking any rotor that was sorted between courtesan and gentleman. To name a few. I shuddered, thinking of what lie ahead of me with a dizzy mind.
Arriving sooner than I thought at Zidler's office, I was forced to shake my head to empty these thoughts from my mind. I was decided that they would not help me in this case, and I would do better without them. I knocked upon the door slowly, not entirely sure. It was only moments afterwards that the door was opened by the same wide face, a smile to match, that cried out fake glee.
"Ah, my little Humbug!" he chuckled, wrapping an arm around my shoulder and forcefully thrusting me into his office in a way that either could have been anger or exaggerated happiness. "Didn't think you'd end up coming, really, our young Peacock didn't seem too happy."
I didn't reply, a little taken aback by his fast pace.
"You might want to know why I've asked you here, mightn't you?"
"My living arrangements?" I asked sullenly, causing him to laugh.
"Humbug, I made a promise that you would remain here as long as you needed."
"You made many promises, I'm sure, but Christian told me not to put it past you."
"Then of course I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't keep you on your toes," he chuckled, his moustache twitching at his terrible attempt at humour.
"Might I ask what you wished to speak to me about?"
"Ah, yes, I did have a little query to put beside you, my little Humbug." I shuddered, still not quite sure whether I'd ever get used to the name. "Sit, dear, sit."
He guided me to a seat just in front of his desk, his face red with a slight excitement.
"Now, I'm sure we all know about this little business over your little secret, don't we?"
"I don't know what you mean, sir," I said firmly, holding what little pride I had left. However, he was determined to diminish it.
"To put it mildly, my dear, your little innocence."
"You needn't be so patronizing, sir," I said tiredly. "And you have no doubt heard any rumours, I do not need you to jest me."
"Then I will press on," he said, still smiling in a way that disconcerted me.
"What is it you wished to speak to me about?" I persisted.
"Yes, yes, of course. Well, I thought to myself only last night of our dear Christian-"
"Neither of ours," I reminded him.
"Our dear Christian," he repeated, as if putting the message across, "and I thought of our lost Sparkling Diamond."
"Satine?" I was ever so slightly disturbed by the calm way he nodded, assuring that he had known her. I had expected much more sincerity over the subject, rather than the curious normality over it.
"I do wonder still why business has become sparse," he continued. "I have many theories. Maybe my diamonds are just not as young as they used to be."
"Youth had never been a factor in this," I muttered.
"Pardon?"
"The girls don't have to be young. That's not why customers come here."
"You have your own theory?" he asked with a smile.
"No theory. Evidential proof. They only come so as to not be with a partner." His moustache twitched again, and he said nothing more of the idea.
"As I said, I do wonder why we haven't been making as much as we should. And thinking of Satine…well, I could not help but wonder how her position helped us."
"Very little, I assume."
"Do you think so? I, on the other hand, believe there to be much more to the job than anyone had been led to believe. She attracted men, you know. People had heard of her from different members of our gathering and came just to see her."
"I'd heard she was very beautiful."
"Only if you wish to put it lightly."
"Might I ask why you wish to tell me this, sir?"
"The thing is, business was much better in those days. More money, more customers, and it got me thinking. I'm sure Satine would have liked to chosen her own successor, but due to circumstances-"
"Successor?" I scoffed, shaking my head. "Christian held a promise that you would not make me-"
"Sell yourself? I never said you would. The only thing I would dream of asking you to do is smile and look pretty. Dance a little."
"I don't dance," I said bluntly.
"If you take the position you will."
"Then I won't take the position."
"Do you have any idea how this may help you?" he asked, his tone showing his determination. "We will all be watching you. Think of it as a public body guard service. By yourself, no one can be certain where you are."
"You won't persuade me, sir."
"I don't plan to persuade you any more than I already have. All I will say is do think about it. I'm certain enough you'll change your mind."
"What makes you think I would?"
"A certainty is simply a certainty, I can not explain, my dear. Just come back to my office when you decide."
With my thoughts screaming at me to simply shout at Zidler for his idiocy, I turned sharply from the room. There was little point in arguing. With the idea of a bodyguard in my mind, I could not help but understand what he meant about my decisions.
