Chapter Nine

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach

A/N: Sorry about the late update; writer's block. Chapter dedication:GhibliGirl91


Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez and Ulquiorra Ciffer. The names still sounded the same even after Rukia had hastily swallowed the crackers in her mouth. Terrified to find herself face to freaky ass face with the men who would be the start of her sexual downfall, Rukia's first instinct was to draw her zanpakutou.

"What ya doin'?" Grimmjow asked her as Rukia positioned herself in a fighting stance.

"What does it look like she's doing? She's engaging you in battle." Ulquiorra answered for her with all the passion of a boiled shoe.

"I know that! I just wanted to know why?" Grimmjow screamed at him.

"Generally when one wants to know why, one starts a sentence along those lines, using unambiguous words like, 'why'." Ulquiorra passholed-aggressholed.

"One of these days I'm going to rip that bougie tongue out of your mouth and shove it up the crack of my butt so that you can get a better idea of how much I want you to kiss my ass!"

"Classy. Would you like me to finish her off for you, and spare us all the waste of time fight that you will inevitably lose, again?"

"Umm, correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm not the one that turned into a flying ashtray when Ichigo defeated me."

"No you instead turned into Ben-Gali from the Thundercats cartoon."

"That's not true! My resurrection did not look as gay as that! You think you're better than me, Emo-bat? Trust me; I can take on your ass and any other person inside here!"

"I do trust you. I trust you to make the wrong decision at any given time."

"Umm, excuse me." Rukia humbly tried to interject but was cut off with a resounding, "Not now, woman!" from Grimmjow and an icy, "Shut up, trash!" from Ulquiorra.

Rukia sheathed her sword and stepped back and watched the scene unfolding before her with furrowed brows. Was it her or was there an intense heat suddenly burning up the room from the white hot, unbridled sexual desire that was emanating from the two Espadas that was directed not towards her, but at...each other! Rukia tuned back into the argument just in time to hear Grimmjow spit,

"You know what, Ulquiorra? Fuck you!"

Rukia suspected that Ulquiorra secretly, sincerely and un-ironically really liked that idea. But before things got truly out of hand, she decided to really speak up.

"Hey!"

The bickering Espadas turned to look at her.

"What?" Grimmjow barked at her.

"Why don't you two just give up the act and screw each other already?" Rukia asked.

Silence.

"No answer, huh? Only a deep and penetrating silence? And no, I am not sorry about that pun." Rukia said as she pointedly stared up at Grimmjow and Ulquiorra wondering if she'd ever be able to crank her neck back into shape after staring up at them.

"What the hell are you talkin' about, midget? As a matter of fact, why are you so short? Are you standing in a hole?" Grimmjow scowled at her as he attempted to sidestep the topic.

Rukia was about to open her mouth and retort that he wished he was as short as her since that would save him the knee burns he'd get from kneeling down to blow Ulquiorra, but then she realized that that's not something a Kuchiki lady would say. Out loud anyway. But luckily, Ulquiorra cut her off before she got the chance to change her mind.

"Listen to me woman, Grimmjow and I are not the ones in danger of coming to terms with our latent homosexual attributes. That would be your precious human-turned-hollow brat, Kurosaki."

"What?"

"The reason that Kurosaki is here is for Aizen-sama to sexually do with him what he pleases and then kill him. Kurosaki probably intended to infiltrate here as a spy, but his resistance is futile because I'm sure Aizen-sama already tied him up securely."

"When you say 'tied him up', exactly what do you mean? Do you mean like tied up in like he's really busy?" Rukia cautiously asked.

"Yes, provided that the word busy can be substituted for sadomasochism."

"What? Ichigo, I'm coming!" Was all the Espadas heard Rukia scream before she left them in a blur of shunpo.

"Right about now Ichigo's probably hearing that exact sentence from Aizen." Grimmjow muttered.

An awkward silence passed between the two Espadas that sounded dangerously close to the world's longest scraping of nails across a chalkboard. Finally, Grimmjow said,

"So uhh...whaddya say? You wanna fuck?"

As Rukia ran down the halls of Hueco Mundo she heard in the distance behind her a loud bang followed by, "Fuck Ulquiorra! I was only joking!"

Meanwhile...


I won't launch into the lurid and sordid details of exactly how Ichigo's ingenious plan of pulling a Spiderman and scaling up the wall in an attempt to escape Aizen after he was rudely cornered and propositioned, failed spectacularly. But I will tell you that our not so intrepid hero is now tied to Aizen's bed in such a way that he looks like he's about to make a snow angel in Aizen's silk sheets had he the ability to move his arms and legs. Luckily for Ichigo, he still has on his boxer briefs so pixellators won't have to be borrowed from Mtv's Real World and the author of this fic won't have to launch into a pervertedly-correct description of Ichigo's...umm...what's the word I'm looking for? Umm...uhh...Alright fine! So I won't have to describe Ichigo's penis!

Ichigo himself was not precisely clear on exactly how he ended up in the position that he was in, but he was grateful that things had not gotten out of hand or out of his boxer briefs for that matter. He opened his eyes to see Aizen standing at the foot of the bed dressed in a period piece. And by period piece he didn't mean that Aizen was attired in era-accurate mid-eighteenth century Edo wear, but Ichigo meant that Aizen looked like he was wearing a giant tampon suit.

"The hell!" Ichigo exclaimed in shock and confusion.

Aizen smiled and gave his greasy Soul Glo hair that would not have out of place on Rick James' Superfreak video, a gentle flick before he answered.

"This is my second Resurrection, Ichigo."

"This is your Resurrection! Are you for real? And here I thought that the first one was bad. At least in that one you just looked like a gay hillbilly with those white pencil pants, form-fitting flasher trench coat and mullet. But this! You look like a bloody maxi pad with wings!" Ichigo screamed at him.

"It's a butterfly." Aizen gently corrected him. Ichigo sweatdropped.

"I don't know what made you think that that is any better." Ichigo scoffed.

Unfortunately for Ichigo, Aizen's only response to Ichigo's well-articulated opinions on Aizen's sense of fashion was a delicately raised eyebrow that conveyed slight amusement. Ichigo sighed for things were not going as planned. He was only supposed to make Aizen lapse into a false sense of security with this whole seduction business and the Gotei 13 would then swoop in and make their surprise attack, after which he and Rukia would move on to watch the latest Leonardo Dicaprio movie that aimed to fuck with their minds. Where the hell was the Gotei 13?

"You definitely know how to make me laugh Ichigo." Aizen mused as he walked over to the side of the bed where a plate of previously shucked oysters laid waiting on the bedside stand. "Your hair that makes you look like Scooter from The Muppet Show, your constant whining that should earn you a role in that Twilight movie saga, your pathetic attempts at trying to woo that Kuchiki girl; the list goes on but you always make me laugh."

Ichigo resisted the urge to tell Aizen fuck you for fear that Aizen took it literally. Instead, he lay there quietly seething with boiling rage as he concentrated all of his efforts into wishing Aizen a sick , sad and slowly painful death that involved that Candiru fish that swims up men's penises to slowly and viciously eat its way out.

"Oh Ichigo, you look stiff."

Ichigo instantly looked down at his boxers relieved to see that that was not the case.

Aizen again threw back his head and laughed.

"No, I meant that you seem tense. Here have an oyster with some wasabi. It's an aphrodisiac."

It was not a suggestion, but rather an order and soon Ichigo found himself choking on the slimy and flaming aphrodisiac.

"Ughh! That was supposed to be an aphrodisiac? Christ! That was awful! My eyes are red and burning. It smells and tastes fresh. God! It took me everything not to gag. Ughh!"

Aizen smiled.

"Hmm, now you know how I'll feel." Aizen smirked as he prepared to bow down.

Ichigo's eyes dilated in fear as he screamed for help,

"RUKIA!"


A/N: Who will get there first? Rukia or Aizen? And where is Byakuya, Renji and the rest of the Gotei 13? Will Ichigo realize that he really is gay? Will he and Rukia ever be together? All those questions will be answered in the next and final chapter of this fic.