Chapter Note:
Hello again,
Our contest winner was Dryad who knew that the quotes "Since the invention of the kiss, there have only been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind." From the Princess Bride
"That is the question" is from Hamlet.
Note to all: the third quote was delted in editing, sorry about it.
Honorable mention to: seadragon and boulderpa for getting the Princess Bride quote.
I have to thank my Twilighted beta Tim83, who gets these chapters to you quickly.
Last but not least the PTB betas who worked diligently on this chapter! They never cease to amaze me-thank you.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners (Stephenie Meyer). The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Ch 9 Sunday: Take One
Edward POV
Charlie had left in the wee hours of the morning to meet Billy Black to go fishing. I knew he was coming in to check on Bella, so I hid in the closet, as I had a few days before. He simply cracked the door open and peeked into see that she was in bed. Satisfied with what he found, he left.
I didn't want to disturb Bella, so I sat in the rocking chair and continued doing what I had done for the last four hours. Replaying all the hurtful words I said to her in the forest and the simple truths she revealed to me when her guard was down. I was truly the monster I always feared I was.
I heard her heartbeat changing, signaling she was awake, but I couldn't lift my head from my hands. I was not worthy to look into the eyes of my now-broken angel. It was as if I purposely plucked off her wings.
"Morning, Edward. Why are you over there? Did Charlie leave? I'm going to take a human moment, okay?" she groggily rambled.
I didn't answer her; I was feeling too low for that.
"What's wrong?" Bella inquired.
"What's wrong?" I muttered and chuckled a dark, joyless laugh.
"Yes, Edward, why are you holding your head in your hands like a man awaiting a death sentence?" Bella asked. I permitted myself a glance at her. She looked concerned-not angry, just concerned.
"Love, I have to ask you a hard question." In my peripheral vision, I could see that she nodded and braced herself. I also noticed that as she sat on the edge of her bed, she wrapped her arms around her torso as if holding herself together.
"Do you hate me? Do you want me to leave?" I tried to keep the emotion out of my voice, but I failed miserably. Summoning my courage I looked at her, knowing her answer had the power to crush my entire world.
This must have been how she felt when I brought her into the forest after days of being standoffish. If she says yes, then you will leave her to live her own life, I thought.
"Why would I want that? Don't I tell you all the time that I love you? I understand what you did, and I forgive you. I told you last night that I was over it. Why don't you believe me? Why do you," she sobbed, "not trust me? When I trust you so openly with all that I am every second we are together?" she asked me.
I knew those tears; they were not borne of weakness, as her faltering voice might suggest. No, those were tears of anger. Not only had I crushed her, but I was infuriating her as well. I decided it was time to face the music.
"Love, I do trust you. But-" She glared at me with that one word. I had to tread carefully. "In your sleep, Bella, you say things that are true, but nonetheless hurtful to me. I've been trying to make amends; however, I don't know if you really forgave me, or if you ever can," I explained.
I hated myself even more for saying these things. I was self-centered; I wanted her to comfort me when I knew I didn't deserve it. I always wanted more than I deserved.
"Oh my God, what did I say?" She was shocked and mortified, as I knew she would be.
"I'd rather not repeat it," I said, and once again I averted my gaze from hers.
"Tell me!" she yelled. "I have a right to know!" She glowered at me while saying this.
"You're right; you do have a right to know. You say that you don't trust me, and that I broke you. You have muttered "bastard" and "how could you." I sent you flowers after you told me, in your sleep, that you hated me and that I nearly killed you, then asked if I was happy with what I had done. Last night was the reason I'm even bringing this up."
I paused, stood up and started pacing. I needed to do something; anything and pacing gave me an outlet.
" Apparently my efforts—professing my love daily, the flowers, the note you said you loved, were not enough. You hissed, "Edward, you're trying to kill me, aren't you?" "Let me forget," and finally "I don't trust you."" I paused. I needed every bit of self-control I had amassed over the years, so I would not grab her and beg. This was about Bella, and she needed me to be strong so she could tell me the truth.
"I'm sorry. I'm so, so—" she started to apologize, and I thought I might actually lose what little grip I had on my sanity if she finished that sentence.
"No!" I said a little too loudly, letting my internal anguish seep out for a moment.
"No," I said more gently. "I cannot accept your apology. I failed you, Bella… I failed us. Those musings are my true peek into your mind; I never want you to hide things from me. Please, I know I have no right to this request, but please tell me the truth. Are you angry? Do you hate me?" This was the hardest sentence I ever uttered. With that, I braced myself for the whole, ugly truth.
"You are un-fucking-believable!" she screeched. My sweet angel was having a breakdown.
She never swore at me. The closest she ever came was when she called me a "stupid shiny Volvo owner" under her breath and thought I couldn't hear her; this was shocking.
My expression must have conveyed my shock because he glared at me then continued. I just took my seat again in the rocking chair.
"Yes, I am angry, Edward. I mean, how could I not be? I ask you to let it go, but you press on. So what do you want to know? What do you want me say? Do you want me to tell you that you devastated me when you left? You did! Do you want to hear that I wished night after night that you had let James kill me, rather than deal with the pain of losing you? I did! Did I curse the fates that Jacob and the pack saved me in our meadow? I did! I was in our meadow to see if the magic of it was real—if you and I were ever real. I found that it was real." She paused, her tone turning bitter and bleak. "In the worst way possible."
Bella took a steadying breath, glared at me, and then continued. The bleakness was gone from her voice and unadulterated anger was back.
"Did I need Jake to keep me alive? Did he offer me a moment of fleeting peace in my grief? He did. Just as Emmett or Alice would have, had you not ripped them from me." She let out a low growl at the word ripped.
She is actually growling at me— a vampire; she really must be angry.
"Your family welcomed me in when they saved me in the ballet studio and a hundred times before and after that! You stole them from me, too. You may not have realized it, Edward, but you stole part of my family and my future from me. In the process of confirming all of my insecurities and making unilateral decisions, you took my only true friend, until Jake, when you left.
So, to answer your question, I was angry. No, not angry, furious. First, I was catatonic and then I was a zombie, according to Charlie. When I woke up, I had this burning hole in my chest. I was dying slowly from the pain of losing you. I don't think you ever believed how much I loved you, and still do. However, you had the luxury of knowing that I still loved you; I thought I was just some passing fancy. I was angry that you did this to me- to us- to our family. Then I jumped off the cliff, and nearly died. I did that to hear your voice; I was pathetic. Hell, I probably still am. After that, Alice-bless her-came back for me because she loved me. She cared enough to look after Charlie if I really was gone. I was reeling once I saw her again. Just when I thought maybe my sad excuse for an existence might be getting better, you had to play the martyr with your suicide attempt.
And I was angry. No, strike that, I was furious and disappointed that you would think so little of your family. Poor Esme already lost a son! You were doing this outrageous, crazy, reckless and stupid thing in the name of our love and my memory. I would never have wanted that, and you should have known better. I wanted to save you so I could throttle you. Then I went to Italy to rescue you, and it all melted away. The anger was not real; it was just there to keep me alive. Its purpose was to combat the despair that was eating me from the inside out. When you came back into my life I made a choice; I would let you go if that was what you wanted. When you said you would stay, I had another choice to make, and it was simple. So simple, I didn't even think about it: move forward with you or sink back into nothingness. I knew I loved you too much to walk away and I would never survive that kind of separation again. So I chose happiness. I chose you over holding a grudge. Remember, Edward, I'm not like your sister Rosalie, who makes Emmett beg. Is that what you want? That is not me and never will be! Given all that we've been through—no, all that you have put us though; you dare question me? I'm shocked. Now you have a choice to make, and don't make it lightly. We can either move on, embrace each other and our life together or we can re-open old wounds and annihilate each other. Know that I made my choice; however, you seem to be choosing the other path, I don't know what I will do..." She paused in thought and trembled.
Bella trembled, this was all my doing, I'm a pathetic excuse for a – before I could finish the sentiment, she continued.
"So leave, Edward. Go home and think about all this and choose. Will you finally embrace the light and accept me at my word when I say that I love you more than anything, or are you going to get all moody and angst-ridden on me? All 'Emoward', as Em calls you?"
Apparently Emoward is catching on, as is the whole emo thing. Fucking Emmett! I was shocked by own thoughts, as I never cursed. I was raised that it was wrong to think such things, let alone say them. I really was at my wits' end, and it was showing. I sat there before my one and only love, feeling ashamed and dejected.
"Bella, love, I want you. I just don't want you to hurt," I quickly responded. If I paused, I would only cause her to doubt me more. I was trying to be the man she needed and wanted me to be.
"No, you don't want you to hurt, and neither do I. That is why I moved passed the hurt. I cannot control the things I say at night. But if you were so concerned and didn't want me to hurt, then you shouldn't have left!" she sneered back at me.
Normally someone speaking to me in that tone would only incite anger in me; however, this was not the case when it was my Bella. Coming from her, the words just made me loathe myself even more. She changed me so completely, in so many ways, and my self-flagellation in response to her fury was just one more to add to the list.
"I deserve that," I muttered. I once again could only stare at my feet.
This is a position that I know all too well, I thought bitterly.
"No you don't!" she screeched. "I said it to make you realize that," she was seething now, "taking cheap shots at you will not make me feel better, and all it will do is destroy us!" She glowered at me.
She glowered at me! She was formidable, my Bella, but I should not be allowed to think of her as my Bella anymore. I think she does still want me; she said as much. Could her human feelings really measure up to mine? I don't understand what she's asking. She knows my answer; what more can I do? If she wants me, she can have anything she desires. I'll make it happen, no matter what.
"Now leave, Edward!" she cried loudly.
"Bella, Bella, I won't go! I choose us," I answered truthfully, and quickly. My response would always be automatic when it came to us now: YES!
"No, you need to think this through. You said in your note if I wanted you gone, you would go. Do that now, for me and for us. If this," she gestured between us, "means anything to you at all, then leave. Come back after Charlie is asleep; I just hope you have your answer by then."
The angry tears returned.
Now I'm afraid of my human girlfriend, almost fiancé…I'm a pathetic vampire. How could I ever believe that this resilient woman could ever want to be my wife! I'm lucky to be in her life at all.
The shrill sound of my cell phone ringing broke the strained silence between us. I was lucky that Charlie was gone, or the noise would have garnered his attention. I had forgotten to place the device on vibrate—yet another mistake to add to my ever-growing list of things I would never do again.
"Give it to me, Edward!" Bella demanded with her hand stretched towards me.
Her expression was stern, and I didn't want to make her any angrier; I gave her the cell phone. I was afraid of what she would do if I didn't.
She looked at the caller ID, though from the look in her eyes I assumed that she already knew it was most likely my pixie sister.
"Hi, Alice," she said, her tone was still irate but softening.
"Hi, Bella, is Edward there?" My sister sounded awfully chipper—something was off here.
"Yes, he is here, as you well know. You also know he can hear every word you are saying. That being said, I want you to tell about him the vision you probably called to share," Bella replied curtly.
I'd call it a fight but held my tongue; Bella was scaring me again. My sister apparently was weighing speaking to me through Bella. After living with someone for over fifty years, you learned their tells. It was amazing, though, that I didn't need to be near Alice to know her thoughts.
"I have a right to know, Alice. I won't be handled like a small child anymore!" Bella seethed. The anger was apparently retuning.
"Okay, Bella, you're right. Well, if you don't leave now, Edward, Bella will use Charlie as an excuse to ignore you for a while. With her ultimatum, well…" Alice was choosing her words carefully for Bella's sake. She didn't want to distress her any further. Bella had been through more in this week than most people experienced in their entire lifetimes, and coupled that with the months of depression I sent her into—well Alice was always compassionate.
"Either decision, you're still together, but one way you're much happier than the other," she finished.
"I could have seen that," Bella mused. I don't believe she meant for either Alice or me to hear her.
"I tried to answer her already, Alice; she won't let me," I defended myself warily. I had never seen Bella this angry. If she stormed off and hurt herself because of what I had done, I would surely never forgive myself. All I could think of were scenarios where she would get in her car angry and end up hurt. Another horrible thought was her riding that blasted motorbike.
"No, Edward, you need to come home and do some soul searching. I'm coming over to stay with Bella; she needs me."
Then, at vampire speed so only I could hear, she said, "Fuck, Edward, you are an idiot. You should have answered my call or text last night! All this could have been avoided! Will you ever learn?" Again I was shocked by the profanity. Alice never swore, either. This was getting too heated if they were using this kind of language.
Fabulous, now I am out of favor again with two of the three most important women in the world to me. I wonder if they will let Esme join the 'We Think Edward Is A Screw Up Club'? I'm sure that Rose is the founding member. Perhaps Emmett can be the treasurer, I thought bitterly.
"Thank you, Alice, for making your idiot brother see reason," Bella said as she glared at me; her voice pulled me from my inane thoughts..
We sat in tense silence until I heard: Go home, Edward! It was Alice mentally screaming at me.
"Alice is here," I announced in a monotone voice.
"Okay, go," Bella said simply, her tone remote and reserved. Her cold words caused me to shiver for the first time in all my years as a vampire.
"I love you," I said tentatively.
"I know, I love you too, but it doesn't change anything until you know what that means," she said, not even looking at me.
With that, I left through the window. I didn't reach out to hold her; I didn't kiss her and promise to return. Now was not the time
AN
Okay, I'm afraid to ask: what did you think?
As always, thank you for reading and remember I love hearing from you. Also, I will bribe you to review, so anyone of you that do get a teaser!
