Chapter 9 - No One Stands Alone
"Shared sorrow is half sorrow." - Danish proverb
"Peter! My dear child! How wonderful it is to hear your voice, my son!"
He couldn't help but smile at the joy he heard in his adopted mum's voice. "It is good to hear your voice as well, mama. How are Astrid and Petzi?"
"Ach! Those two! They are like you dear boy, busy making me a grandmother many times over! Petzi and Magda have a new baby. With your two precious boys and Astrid and Johann's three that makes, let me see…that makes nine grandchildren! I have been blessed many times over. Is there not soon to be another precious one in your family?"
Oh God, she sounds so happy! He sighed and blinked back sudden tears, "Oh mama…I don't…quite know how to…tell you this."
Katrin's mood changed instantly upon hearing Peter's distress and she spoke quietly, "Something is wrong Peter, ja? Tell me, please. Do not hold back anything on my account."
He drew up his courage and plunged ahead. "Yes mama, something went…wrong. Jo and I…we…lost our baby. Still-stillborn. Our baby daughter, mama! Our…daughter…." Despite his determination to stay calm, his voice broke and he couldn't continue.
"Oh Peter, my poor child! How I wish I could wrap you in my arms right now! I am so sorry, so very sorry, my son!"
"I wish you could too, mama." He heard the tears in her voice and regretted being the cause of them. "I'm sorry…I...I didn't want to...upset you...," he whispered.
"Hush my son, do not concern yourself about me. You and Josephine are the ones suffering the worst pain."
He couldn't bring himself to speak and Katrin continued, her voice strong and clear. "My dear son, listen to me." Silence. She tried again. "Are you listening to me Peter?"
"Yes…yes ma'am…" he murmured brokenly.
"I love you, my son. Never doubt my love for you and your precious family. I hope and pray you do not blame yourself or your Josephine for this tragedy."
"I…I don't…," he lost his voice again and started over. "But…Jo…she…she blames me…and I just don't know…why…."
Katrin felt the pain radiating from Peter's voice and wished with all her might she could be there to comfort him. "My son, it is a loss no man can fully understand. I do not say that you are not in pain, no my son, for I can hear your pain. Yet only a mother knows the pain of the loss of her own flesh."
"What could I…have done, mama? I just…don't understand…."
"You did nothing my child. Deep within herself, your Josephine knows that."
"I hope you are right mama. I just…don't know what to do!"
"Be patient my son. Sadness flies away on the wings of time. I should know Peter. When Astrid told me my Petzi was missing in action and assumed dead, I went completely numb. I could not move. I do not remember anything after that. Manfred later told me that I became insensible and collapsed. I took to my bed and did not want to get up. I did not want to eat. I did not want to think. My dear Peter, I simply wanted to die because I was already dead inside."
"I think…I know how you felt mama. That's how Jo is right now. She won't...look at me or...respond to me at all. It's so very...difficult seeing her like this. She's...she's so different from the Jo I thought I knew."
"Peter, please do not let this sadness affect you as I let mine."
"I don't understand mama."
"Until I met you, dear Peter, I had given up on living. I merely existed, impatiently waiting for my trials...and my life...to end. You saved me dear boy."
"I...I...saved you mama?" That's not how he remembered it. "No, you saved me."
Katrin chuckled lightly, "We saved each other my son and I will be forever grateful to you. If we had not met, only God in His wisdom knows where I would be. And where would my Petzi be if we had not met?"
His thoughts turned inward as he knew exactly where Petzi would be had he not met Katrin when he did. Petzi would have more than likely ended up lying in an unmarked, mass grave somewhere deep within the Soviet Union, along with hundreds of thousands of his fellow Heer. Only General Hogan's timely intervention nearly a year after the end of the war saved Petzi from the terrible fate of his comrades.
Katrin's voice roused him. "Yes my son, I have been blessed. Despite the pain and sorrow, I count myself blessed. You too, my dear Peter, have been blessed. I know it does not look that way to you right now my son. I ask you to trust me, for in the future, after you have endured this suffering, you will look back and realize how fortunate you really are."
"I…just don't see how mama…."
"You will Peter, you will. My son, I cannot tell you how my heart aches that you have to endure such a tragic loss. But you and your Josephine are still young. There can yet be more children for you."
"Not according to the doctors."
"We shall see. You must keep hope alive in your heart Peter. I learned that lesson as well when I met you."
"Can you please...tell me how to do this mama? I don't know where to begin."
"Prepare your heart my son. Remember the happy times you and Josephine have had in the past. Remember why you fell in love with her, why you chose her to be your wife. She is the same girl now as she was then; however, now she has been grievously wounded Peter. It will take time." Katrin paused and took a deep breath. "Peter, recall when you were wounded and first came to my house."
"Yes mama?" How could I ever forget?
"How long did it take you to fully recover my son?"
"A long time...," he suddenly realized exactly what she meant. Just as a physical wound required extended care and the passage of time to heal, so too an emotional wound. He would never forget the tender, patient, loving care Katrin gave him when he was brought to her house with a head wound. That care saved his life. Jo needed the same tender, loving care and only one person could provide it.
Katrin's patient voice reasoned with him. "Do you still have your scar Peter?"
"Yes, mama. You can't see it but it is there." Again, she was right. The scar on the left side of his head was hidden beneath his thick hair, yet it existed. Sometimes if he scrubbed too hard when he washed his hair, it hurt sharply. He had learned to be careful to watch out for that particular scar.
Again, he got Katrin's gentle message. Even when this horrible wound healed, both he and Jo would be scarred for the rest of their lives. They both needed to be careful not to aggravate this scar but both be mindful of it and be patient with each other.
He sighed as he pondered Katrin's simple yet profound lessons for him. "I understand now, mama. I know exactly what I must do."
He could tell that Katrin was smiling as she answered him, "I knew you would Peter. Wrap your Josephine tightly in your arms and never let her go."
"I will mama."
"Please give her all my love, as well as to your darling boys. I love you my son. Remember, keep hope alive in your heart. I will leave you with that thought. Auf Wiedersehen my dear Peter!"
"I love you mama...thank you. Auf Wiedersehen."
He rang off. Mindful of the length of the call, he buzzed the adjutant and instructed him to post the long distance charges for his personal account.
He sat silently for quite a while, seriously pondering Katrin's counsel. He also reflected on the encouragement and comfort he had gained by speaking not only to her, but to his mates Andrew, Louis and Kinch. The loving concern shown by each of them proved a soothing balm to his wounded soul.
He realized that the General had been right as usual, as right as rain. As difficult as it had been, each time he recounted his tragic news to each of his friends it seemed just a tiny bit easier to talk about. He knew this heartache would never be completely erased, yet with each gut-wrenching conversation, the painful burden seemed to feel just that much lighter. It seemed strange that the pit of his stomach still ached hollowly whilst at the same time the pain seemed to be very slowly, very gradually receding.
He suddenly realized that he needed to go back home, that he needed to see his Jo.
Angus got up to meet Peter as he walked in; he had been sitting on the floor with the boys as they played with their toy train set in the lounge. Peter crouched down beside them and gave each of them a hug. He rose and took Angus by the arm to guide him into the kitchen.
"How's Jo doin' Angus?"
Angus shook his head sadly. "Th' same lad, still th' same. Mary's in wi' her noo."
Peter nodded and headed to the boys' room to see for himself.
He very quietly opened the door to find Mary giving Jo a sponge bath. She looked up at him as he approached.
"How is she mum?" he whispered.
"I'm afraid she is no better, Peter. She hasn't responded to me at all whilst I've been bathing her."
Peter knelt beside the cot to caress his wife's damp hair. "'as she eaten anythin'?"
Mary shook her head sadly. "Some tea, a bit of broth, maybe two or three bites of biscuit. That's all." She finished up and gently towel dried Jo as she lay staring blankly at Andrew's crib. "I hope and pray that she's not given up..."
"Not if I can help it mum." He sat down on the floor and leaned in to kiss Jo. "I'm gonna stay for as long as it takes for 'er to come back to 'erself."
Mary cocked her head as she listened to the determination in her son-in-law's voice. "I'm very glad to hear you say that Peter."
He nodded distractedly, his eyes fixed on Jo. "I got a lot of good advice from you and Angus, as well as from me mates and mama. I know exactly what I need to do now, mum. I need to do me best to 'elp Jo get over this."
"Well, then," sighed Mary. "I say that Jo couldn't be in better hands." Mary got up, giving Peter's shoulder a quick squeeze as she went by. "I'll leave you two alone then."
"Thanks mum." He reached in to take Jo's hand in his as Mary closed the door.
It was very late when Peter finally emerged from the boys' room. He sat down heavily at the kitchen table and gladly accepted a fresh cup of tea from Mary. Angus moved to sit beside him and laid his hand on Peter's arm.
"Peter, listen tae me lad. I'm glad ye know what ye need tae do to help Josephine, but ye need tae work this out b'tween the two of ye alone. Let Mary and me take young Robbie and Andrew tae stay wi' us whilst ye do so. The bairns dinna need tae see their parents goin' through this." He moved his hand up to clasp Peter's shoulder. "Let us do this for ye lad."
Peter nodded tightly and looked over at Angus. His father-in-law's offer made a lot of sense to him and he suddenly felt an immense gratitude for Angus' compassionate empathy. "Yes, I think that'd be best. Ta..." He looked down and then turned to look directly into Angus' eyes. "Ta…dad."
Angus smiled broadly. This was the first time Peter had ever called him that; he knew a little about his son-in-law's own father and he felt honored that Peter finally felt comfortable enough with him to address him that way. "Yer welcome, son." He squeezed Peter's shoulder affectionately and whispered to him, "Dinna worry yerself too much son. Our Josephine is her mother's daughter, she's a strong lass. She'll come round soon. She just needs time tae heal, as do ye."
Peter wondered if his little family would ever heal; it seemed as if this intolerable burden would accompany them to the grave. "I 'ope and pray yer right," he sighed as he and Angus sat together drinking tea.
A few minutes later, Mary approached and took their now empty mugs to the sink. "Peter, it's late. Why don't you try to get some sleep, dear? We can get the boys packed and ready to go in the morning."
He had to admit that his mother-in-law was right. Despite the hot, strong tea, he could barely keep his eyes open. He looked in on the boys and then headed to his bedroom, both confident and frightened at what the next day held.
A/N The events behind Peter's relationship with Katrin and her family were presented in my previous story "A Mother's Love."
