Chapter 9
"Lady Morgana."
Morgana raised herself from her chair and took one step towards the door before pausing, hesitating to go any closer. She knew very well who was speaking her name on the other side of the door. And she wasn't sure if she wanted him to see her this way. Morgana had held her tears in, but her eyes still had a glassy look to them, and hurrying back to Camelot on horse had given her a flustered appearance. She had so carelessly neglected to fix herself up, choosing instead to sit and wallow.
And Merlin had come to her door again. After seeing the way Morgana and Arthur spoke to each other earlier, he wouldn't skip out today. In fact, he had come earlier than Morgana normally expected him. He was also waiting longer than usual for her response rather than attempting to coax her into letting him in. Slowly, Morgana walked to the doors but she did not open them. Instead, she leaned in close until her lips were almost touching the tiny space between the doors and quietly replied, "I'm here."
The ward took the silence that followed as Merlin's surprised reaction. If she hadn't been feeling so down, she would have smiled at that moment. Morgana raised her voice a little, in case he hadn't heard her correctly. "Merlin? You're still there?" After a few seconds, she heard a near-silent Yes in response. "Speak louder, serving boy," she said, shaking her head, "I can't hear you when you're muttering."
"Sorry… I've never had a conversation through chamber doors before," came Merlin's muffled voice, louder this time. Morgana bit back her smile, liking his sarcasm. It matched her own sense of humor. "I just don't want any guards catching me. Although…" He paused and Morgana pressed her ear against the door. "It would be easier if you would just let me in."
She swallowed back the growing lump in her throat. "I don't want to see anyone right now."
"You don't want to see anyone, yet you would talk to me?" Merlin didn't sound annoyed or upset with her. Morgana could be difficult when she wanted to be and it irritated most people. Even Arthur sometimes had trouble hiding his frustration with her. At this moment, Morgana expected she was frustrating Merlin. But he was being very patient with her. She pressed her palms against the door, sighing deeply. "It's… much easier when you're not looking at a person directly."
"It's just me." Morgana heard him chuckle and felt her stomach flip-flop. Had she ever heard him laugh before? If not, she had indeed been missing out. It was quite lovely to hear. Merlin continued, "I'm no one special, Lady Morgana. Just another serving boy who desperately wants to make sure you're alright."
Right, because I have many lined up outside my door. Morgana did not say that out loud. She didn't hear from Merlin but she liked to think he was smiling right now… and maybe in the same position as her, hands on the door, face leaning in only inches away from the crack between the doors…
"I wish you would have disagreed with that," said Merlin, and Morgana felt a small blush creep up on her cheeks. She wished she had too, as it seemed rude to follow up his comment on himself with silence. Thankfully, he sounded lighthearted and teasing, but still… it wasn't true. Morgana could try hard as she wanted, but Merlin was increasingly becoming more than just another serving boy who desperately wanted to talk to her. For what reason, she hoped she would find out soon.
"I'm sorry," the ward apologized, "But if I did, that would require a lot of explaining on my part."
"There's no need." Merlin said that so quietly, Morgana had to press her ear against the door hard enough that she might insert herself into it. "All you have to do is tell me I'm more than just that and I would be fine, Lady Morgana."
She breathed out a sad sigh. "It's more than that, Merlin." It's my dreams. You're in my dreams. You are important.
"You really should let me in. I'm afraid the guards might catch me and I doubt they'll let me go easy this time."
Morgana thought for a moment. She didn't want Merlin to get into trouble because of her being stubborn. On the other hand, she also did not want him to see her like this; on the verge of tears, ready to break down any minute. It would be humiliating if Morgana were to release all her frustrated, fed-up tears the minute she looked into those blue orbs of his. It made her reluctant to open the door; what if she really did cry in front of him?
"My lady?" She shook the thoughts from her head and exhaling deeply, she opened on chamber door a crack and peeked out a little. Merlin was quite close to the door, blinking at her hopefully. "Only if you're the one talking. Sound reasonable?"
"Sounds reasonable," Merlin whispered, hurrying her along with rapid hand motions, "Now please, let me in before they turn the corner and catch me!"
"Alright, alright…" Morgana opened the door just enough so that Merlin could slip in. She made sure no one had seen before turning to fix her eyes on his back. She looked away when she vaguely remembered the shock she felt on her skin when Merlin touched her last time. He stood taller than her, though he was a skinny one, less buff than Arthur. She watched him glance around her tidy chambers and pondered over how a boy like him could handle the constant demands made by the prince. Merlin looked to be inspecting her room and the woman assured him Gwen was not there so he could speak freely.
"Just making sure," he shrugged, trying to sound casual, but Morgana was an expert at masking her true emotions, and could detect easily when another was doing the same. Merlin sounded more relieved than he should have that Gwen wasn't here. Like he wanted to be alone with her…
"I suppose it's pretty secretive if you don't want Gwen knowing you're here," Morgana started, casually tucking a few stray pieces of hair behind her ear. Looking semi-presentable wasn't a low priority for her. "And I'm guessing Arthur doesn't know you are here either."
Merlin turned around and gave her a knowing look. "Of course not. No one does, not even Gaius."
Morgana smiled a little. "What did you tell them?"
"Gaius thinks I'm on an errand for Arthur. And Arthur thinks I'm on an errand for Gaius. I'm just praying they don't run into each other while I'm here." Merlin gave another shrug and smiled at her a bit shyly.
Morgana let out a small chuckle in spite of herself. "I certainly hope for your sake, that they don't."
"Not for a while anyway. Arthur's out training again, even though he was this morning." The ward's smile faded a little. Arthur trained overtime when he was upset or angry. The reason was usually Uther, when he put him down or told Arthur he was disappointed in him. She hated to think her little outburst had been the reason he was upset. The prince hardly blamed others; he ended up blaming himself, a quality that had been in him since he was a child. Someone else messed up, he took the blame. And after Morgana letting him know just how unhappy she was… Arthur would take that on himself too. She felt awful and made a mental note to speak to him later.
Merlin took notice of the troubled look on Morgana's face and seemed to read her thoughts. "I… suppose it may have something to do with… earlier today…"
"Yes, he… he does that when he's not in a good mood. It helps him blow off some steam," Morgana replied, looking down at her hands. "I would know. I see him do it sometimes from my window." The ward kept her head down and walked past him to the window, glancing out from it. Sure enough, Arthur was slicing his sword fiercely at a stuffed sack tied to a post. Last time Morgana saw him doing this was upon seeing the sheer disappointment on Uther's face after he lost a tournament. That was quite a long time ago, but it saddened her anyway.
Morgana felt Merlin walk up behind her, keeping a decent enough distance. "He feels guilty," he said quietly, "For, you know, upsetting you."
"I wish he wouldn't," Morgana whispered, not taking her eyes off the man she loved like a brother. "It's not his fault the way things are the way they are." She turned her head and saw that Merlin was actually quite close, despite the distance between them. It could have been because he was taller, that it felt like there was little space. "Did he say anything to you? About today?"
"Only that he made a mistake with you," Merlin answered, taking a step back. "This morning, when you were out… together." His voice sounded a little strained when he said the word together. Did it bother him?
Morgana glanced at Arthur before turning to face Merlin completely. "It wasn't his fault. It was mine. I'll speak to him later. And in case you were wondering, I'm fine. Really. I'll get it sorted out with Arthur and apologize to the king." For the second time, she walked past Merlin. If this conversation continued, he might start swimming through uncharted waters he'd never delved into before.
"I'd like to think you have a right to be angry, Lady Morgana," he said quietly, looking at the ground, not moving from his spot near her window.
"I overreacted. There was no reason to be angry," Morgana insisted. If she hadn't known how bad she made Arthur feel, then she wouldn't be placing any blame on herself.
"Nobody gets mad for no reason," Merlin said, taking a few steps towards her. "And you shouldn't be blaming yourself for anything."
"I don't want to talk about this anymore, Merlin. Can we please not do this?"
"I'm sorry," he murmured, averting his gaze to the floor, "I just… it didn't feel too great, seeing you that way. I may not know the full story, but… I didn't like seeing you so hurt."
The ward was a little taken aback by the genuine sincerity in his voice. It wasn't often someone other than Arthur or Gwen showed this attitude towards her. It was nice to hear it from someone else- from Merlin. She didn't speak just yet. Instead, she took what could be counted as her hundredth deep breath. Then, she replied. "It was because of Uther."
Merlin took the opportunity to edge a little closer to her. "What did Uther say? Or do?"
Oh, plenty. But we're still on what happened today. "He has invited a man named Bayard from Mercia," Morgana continued, keeping her cool, "Bayard and my father were allies in the rebellion against the king. I think by now you know that my father has been exiled and I have remained Uther's ward for many years now."
"He seeks peace with Bayard but continues to punish your father," Merlin finished for her. Morgana nodded her head slowly, glad he caught on. It was too painful to say that one bit, because it only added emphasis to the reality of her situation.
"Arthur told me on the ride this morning, and I- wasn't thinking straight. I rode back immediately and barged in on Uther's council, yelling at him. And when Arthur was scolding me for running off… I was just so angry, Merlin. It was like he didn't even realize how truly shaken I was by all of this." Morgana didn't stop herself. Everything cascaded out of her mouth like water being poured out of a pitcher. "I know Arthur feels down, I know he shouldn't blame himself… but it's not my fault. I've had enough. I have a right to express how I'm really feeling because no one else seems to notice that I'm completely… completely…"
Morgana turned her back to Merlin and pressed a hand to her mouth, refusing to let any sobs escape her lips. But the tears, they flowed freely. Oh God, woman. You're crying in front the prince's servant. Stop that now. Stop it. She tried to but it became rather difficult when she felt a pair of arms wrap around her and she turned to see Merlin hugging her to him. Without a second thought, her hand left her mouth and grabbed his shirt, sniffling. It didn't feel like he was pitying her; just being comforting. And she appreciated it very much.
"Come on now," he whispered gently, "Let it out. Just let it all out, my lady." My lady. Those two words could not sound more laughable at this precise moment. The elegant and poised Lady Morgana was crying into the arms of a serving boy. Wish they could see her now, in all her glory. Merlin would be the only one still calling her "my lady."
The woman wiped the last of her tears and lifted her head up to meet his eyes. "Why are you so good to me?" she said in a barely audible voice, "I haven't been kind to you at all and yet you're still here. Why?"
A smile tugged at one corner of Merlin's mouth. "I guess there's a lot about me you've yet to know about."
Morgana couldn't believe it but she was actually smiling. "I suppose so." Suddenly remembering what was happening, she slowly removed himself from his arms, eyes glued to the floor, face burning. Merlin let his arms hang at sides, waiting for her next move. Right now, Morgana just wanted the fast thumping of her heart to slow down.
"Thank you, Merlin," she said gratefully, smiling back up at him. "I can't tell you how good it feels to let out what I'm keeping in. I am sorry if I put you in an awkward position-"
"Don't say that," Merlin interrupted, "I mean… nothing makes me happier knowing that you may be starting to trust me. At least a little."
"Strangely, Merlin, I feel as though I have no reason to not trust you," Morgana admitted, "I may not know you well, yet… there is a small connection. It feels good to have another friend, one who I can confide in when I need it. I thank you for that."
It didn't take long for Morgana to notice the slight shift in expression on Merlin's face. It faded into something more serious, secretive somehow, like he had knowledge of something that he couldn't share with her. She frowned a little but he opened his mouth before she did. "Something has happened to me, Lady Morgana." So you say every time you come to my door. Except this time, you have the chance to tell me what's happened to you.
"Well, it's only fair that both sides share something. And you've been wanting to for a long time."
"I don't really know how to start… it's… it's quite complex…" Merlin appeared nervous and started to fumble a bit, reaching up and touching the back of his head. He started pacing and Morgana eyed him, humored at the fact that it was now Merlin who was anxious and not her.
"The beginning seems to be a good place to start," she advised, hoping he caught on with her little joke. What came next took her by surprise.
"Can I trust you, Morgana?" Merlin's question was not a simple one. Morgana started to seriously consider if she should answer yes or no. She thought herself to be trustworthy. Anyone who came to her with a secret, they could count on her to keep her lips sealed. But there were exceptions, that she recently was thinking about; what if it was a dangerous secret? What if it could potentially spiral out of control and lead to destruction? Was it even possible that Merlin had secret that could endanger her life and those of the ones she loved? Judging by how this had been bothering him and how he wanted her to hear what he had to say… keeping his secret would be a more difficult task than Merlin keeping hers. And so Morgana chose to say yes; she wanted nothing more than for Merlin to be able to confide in her the way she felt she could with him.
"You can," Morgana answered with a single nod.
The boy looked a little relieved then. "That's good to hear, because the things I'm about to say are going to sound so warped and unbelievable that you might think I'm pulling your leg. But I won't be because I would never lie to you."
Morgana's heart swelled a little. Genuinely spoken words like that could very easily make her feel touched. "What is it, Merlin? What has happened to you?"
"Let me ask you something. Have you ever felt like the things that happened to you in your life meant more than you thought they did?" He had stopped pacing and stood in front of her. Morgana had wanted to say no to that, but when she deeply thought about it… perhaps it was more possible than she had previously thought. And then it hit her; her nightmares. The vision-like dreams that haunted her at night. All her life, she knew they held more meaning than simply being nightmares. But would he believe her even for one minute? Even when she told Merlin he had been in her dreams?
"It's plausible," was her response.
"For example?" Merlin pressed further.
Morgana hesitated. "My dreams," she confessed, "You would know by now that I have trouble sleeping. And that is because I have dreams, every night. And they show terrible things, so vividly real, that… one would think it had actually happened. Or is going to happen."
"Like… predicting the future?" the servant took a guess.
"Yes… like predicting the future. But, it's ridiculous," Morgana dismissed, "I'm sure everyone experiences nightmares like that." The ward didn't know who she was trying to full, because she highly doubted it would work on Merlin.
"Everything that you've dreamt of, has any of it actually occurred in real life?" Merlin asked, his interest in her piquing. He seemed to have forgotten that he was the one who had something to say, not her. This put Morgana in a tough position. To tell or not to tell Merlin that she had dreamt of him arriving in Camelot… the only dream that wasn't a nightmare.
Morgana shifted uncomfortably. "Maybe…"
"No, not maybe. Has it?" What was he getting at? How did it have any connection to what had happened to him? "Has it?"
"Merlin, I-" Morgana was interrupted by two quick knocks on the door. The timing could not have been more terrible.
"Oh, you're just messing with me now," Merlin groaned, glaring up at the ceiling. "Morgana, can you please-"
"Wait," the woman hushed, waving her hands for him to hide out of sight. She hurried over to the chamber doors and opened one of them just enough so she could be seen, not much behind Morgana relaxed once she saw Gwaine smiling good-naturedly at her.
"My lady," he bowed his head a little. "Sorry to bother you at this time."
"It's not a problem, Gwaine, always a pleasure," she said, smiling in return, "What can I do for you?"
"The king wishes to see you in his chambers before dinner." The color drained from Morgana's face. Gwaine's smile did not meet his eyes. He knew all too well of Uther's less-than-pleasant attitude towards her.
She should have seen this coming. She was definitely in trouble.
A/N: Chapters eight and nine are broken into two parts because they are both from Morgana's POV. The next chapter will open with Merlin's perspective and start to follow the plot of The Poisoned Chalice (1x04), with an original twist. 'Twas very sweet, writing the interaction between our future lovers'. I wonder what will happen once Arthur starts noticing the connection growing between Merlin and Morgana…
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