Chapter 6 PART 3: A Pathetic Text and a Pathetic Conversation

"Don't go out much at all
I've never been the type to call
I realize to be happy
Maybe I need a little company"

"What the fuck is wrong with him?" is the first thing Tobio says to break the uncomfortable silence in the gym. It's only a split second of motionlessness, but as soon as he speaks people everywhere snap into action. The Karasuno team crowd their fallen player like hungry birds, the opposing team also coming over to examine the situation. Guests and observers from the stands all begin to fuss, some of them shouting if an ambulance should be called, others taking the opportunity to slip out of the gym and grab a drink or a quick cigarette. The umpires shout that the game is over ("Please wait where you are whilst we register the players. Please remain seated, ma'am - ma'am!"), Ukai hurries over, pushing through the gaggle of players, and Takeda tries to find a quiet corner to make a few important calls - probably to the head of the Karasuno school, as is customary.

Tobio, however, is struggling to move.

The sounds, the business, the speed - it's unfamiliar, inhuman and almost alien to him. There's been hype at matches before, and there have certainly been injuries before on the court, but this is different. This is different because this is Hinata, and this match was supposed to be incredible.

"Tobio-kun, hey! Are you okay? I - I stepped out for five seconds and I come back and this is what I come back to. What's going on, why is everyone panicking?" Tobio hears behind him. He snaps his head round to see his aunt staring at him with wide, panic-stricken eyes. Tobio simply gestures to the gaggle of boys in front of him with his hand.

"Injury," he manages.

"Injury? Is it bad?" Yui starts standing tall to try and catch a glimpse, but when she looks back at her nephew there's something glazed and misty in his eyes. "Hey... what's wrong?"

She sat down next to him on the bench. The cacophony of sound around them is beginning to blur together even more, into something that's almost akin to a bubble. A bubble of chaos. All because of Hinata, who Tobio wasn't even attempting to see. The opposing team are getting sifted out of the mix by their coach, taken over to the other side of the court so they could be registered and sent home.

When they were gone, Tobio can still see that Coach Ukai, Daichi and a couple others are crouching on the balls of their feet, implying that Hinata hasn't made it up from the floor yet.

"Oi," Yui prompts, unaware of Tobio's thoughts. "I'm talking to you."

"That's him," he suddenly replies, only impulse behind his words. As soon as he'd said them aloud, he knew it was true. That's him. That's the boy he likes, the boy he wants to spend more time with - fuck - all his time with. He wants to make him smile and laugh, to hear about his day and his problems and his dreams and his fall-backs. He wants to study with him until he falls asleep, but most of all he realises he wants to have 'firsts' with him.

First time they go to the cinema at 1 o'clock in the morning. First time they go to Russia. First time they both get an A* on a Maths exam. First time they hold hands in public. First time they kiss. First time Tobio can go to sleep without being afraid of spending the rest of his life alone. First time Tobio can wake up in the morning and see that all is right with the world.

Fuck he needs this guy. This radiant sun, this perfect specimen of undeniable beauty and endearment.

"That's wh- oh. Oh. That's the guy you... oh, Tobi," Aunt Yui is muttering, rubbing circles into his back that he would usually cringe about. Usually he'd bat her away and scoot a little in the opposite direction to her, but today - in this moment - he just leans into her slender thumbs. "What's his name?"

This is harder than anyone else thinks, but she understands. It's so fucking difficult to keep a cool exterior, the only expression you clearly display being anger or sarcasm, especially when you keep having realisations about who you are (gay, inconsistent, a let down to the team, gay) and about how many times you've truly lied to yourself and others.

"Hinata."

And now, after all of this, he's watching the source of all of these problems break down and suffer - no, actually, worse than that - he can't even see the source of all of these problems break down and suffer because he's surrounded by other people who care and actually aren't afraid to show that they give a shit.

"Well, I'm bored of moping - I'm gonna go see what's going on," she declares, standing quickly and practically skipping over to the Karasuno team. She gets a few peculiar looks, but generally everyone is so focused on Hinata that they don't even bat an eyelid at her presence. Tobio looks up to see her speaking with Takeda for a little, a hand over her mouth. At some point, Tobio feels a vibration in his pocket from his phone and decides to send a quick, necessary text.

Shouyou's been injured. Not sure on the details. Takeda-sensei has your number I'm sure, he'll keep you updated.

He typed it out slower than it would have done if he typed like he usually did, but he'd always thought that Hinata's mother was one of those people who judged others on how they communicate, and then he also thought that it may be disrespectful to use text speak in a text like this.

By the time he's done, Yui is back. She looks grim. Tobio glares at her, expectantly.

"Shoulder," she fills in, as if that's enough information to keep him satisfied. He glares at her a bit more. "Um... it's purple now, and he can't move it apparently, but they don't really know what it is."

"Just ask him-"

"I thought of that, but according to your teacher it was necessary to put a t-shirt in his mouth for some reason. I hope it isn't one that you lot have been wearing - that'd be gross."

"Chattering," Tobio says. "It'll be because his teeth are chattering and he could bite on his tongue. Choke, maybe."

"That's the most I've heard you talk in a while," Yui comments, unhelpfully. "Look, this is awful. I know this is awful - I can see that this is awful, but you've ha a tough day, right? A fight, and you were sick, too again. We need to go home and focus on you for a bit. I don't know, maybe you can even make up with the person you fought with, invite them to dinner. I'll make something nice. And we'll have ice cream. Or maybe you want to watch a movie? I have some good ones on my laptop - horrors, comedies - but you're more into action, right? Must be with all of those games you play."

"It was Hinata."

"What was Hinata?"

"The person... the person that..." and suddenly, something foreign and wrong happens.

Tobio doesn't finish his sentence, and it's all okay because Yui works it out. She wraps an arm around his shoulder and pulls him close to her, then she guides him out of the gym and into the carpark. The whole world becomes fuzzy and blurred in every aspect. Sound, vision, smells - all of it becomes mixed together like a paint palette that was previously so orderly with every colour in its individual blob, but now is all sloshed together in a hideous swirl. His throat is raw and dry, but his cheeks are about to get wet.

He can tell.

Tobio tries so hard not to blink all the way to the car, because he knows that once he does those little shits called 'tears' are going to make themselves known, and with their presence all rationality goes out of the window. In the past, he'd only cried a few times, perhaps 3 times that he can remember, and from that limited experience he still knows that when he cries, he's a whole other person. His thoughts are suddenly words, and on one occasion: actions.

The car headlights flicker as Yui presses the lock, she bundles him into the back seat (she still thinks he's five, Tobio swears) and then crawls in after him, shutting the door behind her.

And then he cries.

And as he cries, he feels his ears throbbing and his heart racing. Soon enough, he stops making noise and just chokes on the oxygen that only science tells him is reaching his lungs. Yui acts as a listener for once in her life, and she just sits and watches, ruffling his hair a little when she feels the need. And then he swallows the tears and talks.

He says about Hinata's smile, and their night-time walk. He tells the story of how he actually hugged him, and how they have a super fast quick that loads of people say is 'freak' and they can bring out the best of one another's athletic ability and they practice together and they race and they talk and they study and they insult one another but it never hurts.

Then he gets to telling her about the fight they'd had, and he struggles for a while before it all streams out like a waterfall of emotion and pain, but his emotional trauma is nothing like what his sunshine is experiencing physically right now, and besides... Hinata probably still hates him. This is all totally deserved. Tobio feels like shit, but he can't deny that he deserves it.

When he's finished entirely, Yui sits in stunned silence for a few moments before getting out of the car and locking it. Tobio watches as she heads back into the gym, determination and uncharacteristic seriousness painted all over her face and her body language. When she returns to the car, she locks up the doors and tells Tobio to strap up - they're going home.


The drive is awkward and neither of them talk that much. Yui puts on Abba, to which Tobio objects, then Disney soundtracks, then some sort of country band, and then she finally settles on a mix CD. And it truly is a mix CD.

Tobio listens to it carefully, recognising and absorbing some of the songs. He's heard lots of them before, but for some reason they're all so much more personal now. It's almost as though they link to his life and all of his thoughts. But it's impossible. There's Passion Pit, Dye, Regina Spektor and loads of others. The songs that hit him hardest are the last few - all by Marina and the Diamonds. It's almost as though she's watching Tobio right now, writing music about his shitty day, and pumping it through to the car radio. It's annoying.

At some point in the long drive back, Yui pulls over and buys them some sweets, but Tobio doesn't really eat his.

Instead, he notices with disgust that he's been biting his nails and sits on his hands for the rest of the journey.


The evening is long, slow and basic. Tobio spends his time flitting between aimlessly playing his favourite RPG, to listening to music on his phone, to attempting to write his Russian essay. His heart isn't in any of the activities, and there's a harshness to everything. There's a rawness to his breath that hurts his throat and he keeps trying to ignore the fact that Hinata exists but it isn't working out.

His phone has no messages, which by this point is upsetting. It's nine o'clock - Hinata would have at least texted by now if this was a normal night.

If Hinata didn't hate him.

If Hinata wasn't in immense pain.

A brief thought crosses his mind at that point that: he hopes Hinata's sleeping.

He deserves to sleep after the day he's endured.

He gets a call at some point from Daichi, formally letting him know that Hinata went home with his grandmother, walking and looking a lot healthier. He also said that Karasuno had requested a rematch for a few weeks or months, and the other team had agreed eagerly. Tobio absorbs the information somehow.

He eats, has a bath that lasts about an hour - way longer than normal - then crawls into his bed.

His room is black from the time of night, and he does nothing to cushion the silence or the darkness. He just stares up at the ceiling and waits for nothing, still trying to block Hinata from his thoughts. (This is something he's been doing a lot recently, but tonight it's sickening for him.)

So eventually, he stops trying to block all of his thoughts, and in the best way that Tobio can, he embraces them.

For the hundredth time that day he thinks about Hinata's smile, and how much he misses it. He thinks about how it's only been a day, but that's enough - that's too long. It was all going fairly well between the two of them recently - they even fucking hugged! - but now everything's gone to shit.

And Tobio feels himself becoming more human: he worries about Hinata a little, thinks about if he's okay or if he's still in pain; he cracks a small smile when he thinks about some of the stuff that had happened in the first few days; and then he gets tired from all of the emotion and falls into a restless sleep.

...

...

Until his phone beeps loudly, lock screen lighting up like the 4th of July. The time is 2:21 in the morning, and Tobio is instantly annoyed. The quiet and the darkness are simultaneously broken, and Tobio moans a little as he turns over and tries to ignore the accursed thing. He's doing well with the process until it beeps again, and he gives in.

He expects it to be his phone network telling him he's gone over his package parameters or something, but it's not. It's really not.

Tobio lazily unlocks the phone and opens the messages app, then he reads the message and his heart stops beating.

His heart stops beating because it's from Hinata.

u up

And even though it's just two words, it's two words that Hinata took the time and effort to write (or, in his current state, took the time and effort to get someone else to write, but Tobio isn't blaming him) and Tobio couldn't think of anything he'd rather be woken up by. He reads the message itself about six times to convince himself that it's real.

But it is.

Tobio's happiness is fleeting when he struggles to reply. His fingers hover over the letters he needs to press, but he can't make himself. It's hard to motivate yourself to stay in someone's life when you'd just cut the main tie you had with them only hours before. Tobio is trying to leave Hinata's life so that Hinata can shine through by himself, can succeed without him. Who cares if Tobio likes him or not? Hell, who cares if Tobio loves him or not?

But then again, this is Hinata. How can he stay away? This is the sun to his daily life, he's like a drug that Tobio's grown dependent upon without even realising. He's everything a guy could want in a partner: cute, bubbly, caring, attractive. And shit it feels weird and unfamiliar to think about Hinata in this way but at the same time it was right to think this way. Tobio cracked a light smile. Another text comes through:

status update: collarbone broken

And again:

they gave me the ugliest sling

And again:

and i only just got back i'm so tired for once

And again:

cant play volleyball for a while but ukai says u wont do ani big matches without me. r u sleeping or ignoring me. is this bc of earlier? its ok. i'm over it.

And then the final one:

oh ur mad at me. cmon baka - im a cripple now. u cant be angry at a cripple!

And finally Tobio laughs - like honestly, brutally laughs. He can practically see Hinata pouting as he reads the message.

Then he fucking gives up and accepts it all.

Kageyama Tobio thinks that it's selfishness that makes him reply. The incredible need to be okay with this guy because he can't act like himself if Hinata hates him.

And so he replies. It's a pathetic text, and so it leads to a pathetic conversation, but they have it all the same. They talk for the next hour until Hinata stops replying, probably because he's fallen asleep, and Tobio settles back down to sleep. But this time thoughts of Hinata are okay, and this time he sleeps so heavily that it feels drug-induced.

And maybe it is.