Lifeboats


"You. . .what?" Kate grits out. Her partner reaches out to touch her, maybe curl his fingers around her knee or brush them to her cheek and she flinches, her whole body coiled tight and on the edge of collapse. Castle, to his credit, doesn't press her. Folding his hands back in his lap, he stays quiet and gives her a moment to process it.

She needs so much more than a moment. The too-sweet grip of saliva floods the back of her throat and Kate sucks in a slow breath, prays that her stomach will keep it together just for a little while. Rick seems to realise that her mouth is now operating entirely outside of her control and she couldn't form a sentence to save her life. Or his. He's the one that has to speak first.

"It's, uh- lymphoma. Hodgkin's."

"That's your neck?" She says quietly, her gaze drawn to him almost without her permission. Of course there's nothing really to see, but now that she thinks about it there are so many signs that she's just studiously ignored. God, she's supposed to be a detective and she didn't even realise that the man she's been sharing a bed with for the past couple of months has fucking cancer.

Castle nods slowly and brings a hand up to scrub at the back of his neck almost unconsciously. "Not always. But yes, mine is in my neck."

"Okay. And. . .you're clearly not having chemo, so- radiotherapy?"

"Yeah. But they're not happy with how it's working. I start chemo next week." He says it slowly, as if he's trying not to spook her. Too late, Rick. She's already panicking. And hurt.

Honestly, she doesn't understand why. Why he'd keep something so monumental from her, why he wouldn't let her help him through this. What, he thinks just because she lost her mom she can't deal with any more tragedy? "How long have you known?"

"Almost six months."

Guilt flares in his eyes, ugly and vicious with greed as it claws at him. Kate watches as if from behind the glass, aware of his suffering but unable to offer him any sort of respite. "So you knew at the wedding. You've known the whole time we've been together and you didn't tell me. How the hell could you do this?"

"Because I love you." He chokes out, surprising them both with his fervency. Good, at least he's still willing to fight for her. Ever since the words made it out of him he's seemed defeated, resigned to the fact that their relationship can't possibly survive this.

Kate scrubs a hand down her face and her fingers come to settle against her mouth, her eyes slamming closed a moment before she manages to peel them open and look at him again. "I don't understand. If you love me, wouldn't you want me to help you through this?"

"I was being selfish. I didn't want to hurt you by telling you, I didn't want to lose you. Loving you has been the only bright spot in my life throughout this whole thing."

"Why would you lose me?" Kate says, probably louder than she meant to if the way he flinches is any indication. "What, you think I'm not strong enough to handle this?"

"You deserve so much better. You deserve everything good in the world and I'm a total mess, Kate. I didn't want you to stay with me out of some sort of duty."

Beckett grits her teeth and presses her nails hard at the tender flesh of her palm, carving half-moons there. "It wouldn't be duty. I'm in love with you, Castle. I just want to help you. Why can't you let me?"

"I don't want you to think less of me." He mutters, shame colouring his cheeks and his words both. It hurts him to swallow; she's been noticing that for months. Watching him wince now the realisation brings with it a tide of guilt and grief. She had assumed it was some sort of long running infection or something, not-

Radiotherapy never even crossed her mind. "Castle, I need you to go. I'm not saying for good." She cuts in to try and stem the panic rippling through him before he even gets a chance to open his mouth. "I just need a little bit of time, okay?"

"How much time?" He grimaces as he stands, the exhaustion so prevalent in him that Kate wants to weep and curse herself for not picking up on it.

Beckett peels herself off of the couch and moves towards him, cradling his face in both hands and lifting up on tiptoe to brush her mouth to his. She keeps it soft, gentle, a burst of promise in her kiss that seems to jolt him and make him lift his hand to cradle her skull. When she steps back, it's only far enough to card her hand through his hair and smile softly at him.

"I'll call you, okay?"

"Okay." He nods, his brows furrowing at her.

Kate presses her thumb to his skin, the ridges like a topographic map of his terror, and smoothes over him until he manages a smile. "Hey, I love you. Don't forget. I just need some time to process this."

"Okay. I understand. I'll be at the loft if you want to come over. And. . .I love you too." He manages, darting in to kiss her again before heading for the door. He doesn't look back, and that stings more than it ought to.

She knows that keeping his expectations low is his way of not spooking her, of keeping her with him, but she sort of hates it. She wants him to ask things of her, to expect things from her and challenge her to deliver. They're in this, for the long haul, and she wants him to trust that she won't panic and run if he pushes her a little bit.

Moving to lock the door behind him, Kate crashes against it and presses her forehead to the weather-bitten wood. Is it bad if she calls Lanie again? Probably. Her best friend is at work, anyway. No, Detective Beckett is a big girl; she can work through this herself.


"You're home early, darling." His mother calls out from the kitchen as Castle comes through the front door and closes it behind him. And it doesn't matter how wonderful an actor his mother is, how much she tries to school herself, he still hears the bitter undercurrent of pity in her words.

Rick shrugs and steps out of his shoes, hangs up his coat in the closet. His fists are clenching and unclenching autonomously at his sides; they have been since he left Kate's place and he doesn't suppose they'll stop until he can touch her again. "Yeah. She asked me for some time to come to terms with it."

"But she didn't cut you off entirely?" His mother lifts an eyebrow and he has to swallow back a growl. In defence of himself or Kate or their relationship as an entity he really doesn't know, but he doesn't appreciate his mother's blatant surprise that things aren't over between them.

"No. She actually took it remarkably well. She said she wants to help me through it."

His mother rounds the counter and comes in to hug him, her arms not quite tight enough around his waist. She's been so careful with him since he was diagnosed and frankly, he's tired of it. Kate keeps him close, holds him so tight it seems as though she might never let him go, and the difference between his mother and the woman he loves is stark.

"Oh darling." She's saying, stepping back to look at him. Something in his face must please her because her mouth quirks upwards into a smile and she nods firmly. "You're going to be just fine. You'll have Kate."

"I should have told her sooner. I shouldn't have doubted her so much." He growls, his fist tightening hard enough that his knuckles spasm. It's almost unbelievable, how much of an idiot he's been this whole time. This is Katherine Beckett; when has he ever known her to give up?

Castle's mother circles his wrist in her fingers and drags him over to the couch, pushes him to sit. "Tea or coffee?"

"Oh, uh. . .tea. Thanks." He feels wired enough, the slow recede of adrenaline doing strange things to his guts and he doesn't think that coffee will help much. Tea is good.

"Okay. We'll have tea, and we're going to talk about this, Richard. About what we're going to do when you start chemotherapy. What you'll tell your daughter."

Oh God. Right, of course. Once he starts chemo he's not going to be able to hide it from anyone, least of all his baby girl. She'll want to know why his hair is falling out and why he's throwing up and why he's so exhausted and he really doesn't want to tell her, he doesn't, but there's not really any other choice.

Rick drops his head to the back of the couch and slams his eyes closed, feels the phantom of Kate's touch soothing at his cheek. He wishes she were here, pretty much all the time. Would it be ridiculous to ask her to move in after only a little over two months of them sleeping together?

He doesn't suppose so, when you factor in having loved her for twenty years, but she probably wouldn't see it that way. His mother startles him out of his reverie and he sits up, takes the tea she offers. The mug is warm against his palm and he wraps his fingers around it gratefully, presses it to his sternum to let the warmth leach in and ease some of the tension. "Thank you mother."

"You're welcome darling. First of all, someone's going to need to be with you most of the time once you start chemo. I had a friend who went through it when you were very young and she couldn't do much for herself at all. Now, of course I'll be here, but I have the play too."

"I know. I'm not asking you to put your whole life on hold for me." Castle says, and even as he does he realises just how much he means it. He's her son, and Alexis' father. They both depend on him and he has to be strong. For them, but perhaps. . .not for Kate.

His mother seems to realise this too, because she takes his free hand and squeezes softly. "I know you don't want me to really see you like that, or Alexis. So, it's going to need to be Katherine, hmm?"

"I would like for it to be her." Rick nods, sipping at his tea and relaxing into the warmth that slips down his throat. It tastes interesting, ginger and honey and something else he can't identify, and he's grateful to his mother for this, too. "I just don't know if she'd be okay with that."

"You need to ask her, darling. Keeping it from her has done enough damage; from now on you have to be completely honest."

"I know. I will." A knock at the door startles them both and some of the tea splashes onto Rick's hand, scalding him. He hisses and gestures toward the door with his free hand, sucking at the tender patch where his skin burns. "Could you get that?"

His mother moves for the door, graceful as always, and Rick's eyes are closed so the first clue he gets as to the identity of their guest is his mother's exclamation. "Katherine, darling! How lovely, come in."

"Hello Martha." Kate says, and Rick offers her a smile and a lift of his hand in greeting. His girlfriend comes inside and closes the door behind herself, toeing out of her shoes and hanging her coat on a free hook. Okay, so it seems as if she's staying, then. That's something.

Beckett comes to sit on the couch next to him, her legs pulled up so her knees rest against his thigh, and Castle notices that his mother is suspiciously scarce. "You're here."

"Yeah. I was kind of freaking out, not being able to see you and reassure myself that you're doing okay." She lets out a self-deprecating laugh; it grates, and Rick leans in to kiss her, mindful of the mug still in his hands.

Her fingers settle at the top of his shoulder and when she breaks their kiss it's to smile at him, wide and gorgeous. He smiles right back, so stupidly grateful to have her here. "Kate, I'm so sorry for lying to you."

"It's okay. Just don't do it again, okay? Please."

"I won't. I need you too much." He assures her, setting his tea down and sliding an arm around her waist to drag her in closer. "I love you, Kate."

"I know." Her smile widens, if that's possible, and she dips her head as if she's embarrassed by the girlish joy splashed across her face. It's nothing he hasn't seen before, that grin was his constant companion in childhood, and Rick uses two fingers at her chin to lift her face to him and kiss her softly. "But Castle, listen-"

He presses his mouth to hers again, touches his tongue to the blush of her bottom lip. "Hold on, I'm not done kissing you yet."

He gets another minute to enjoy the delicious press of their mouths and then she tugs away, laughing even as she shakes her head at him. "Babe, listen to me. Look, I know you were worried about scaring me away. But if I've learned anything from what happened with my mom, it's that bad things can happen no matter what you do. Nobody's tomorrow is guaranteed. So I don't want to waste a moment of whatever time we have left."

"You're sure? Because I would understand if-"

The press of two slender fingers to his mouth silences him and Kate waits a moment, as if to be sure that he won't interrupt her. "I'm sure. I lost you once, Rick Castle. I don't intend to do it again."

His mother's voice rings out before Rick can express just how much Kate's words mean to him, how they open his whole heart up with joy so he feels vulnerable but also so incredibly alive. "Katherine dear, would you like some tea?"

"No thank you, Martha." Kate calls out over her shoulder, coming back to settle her cheek to Castle's chest and circle his waist with one arm.

Rick's mother sinks onto the ottoman opposite them, her knees carefully pressed together, and she smiles softly. "Can I just say how happy I am for the two of you? And how grateful I am to you, Katherine."

Kate flushes, he feels the flood of warmth through the material of his shirt, and she laces her fingers through Castle's. "You don't have to be grateful. I want to be here. It's not an obligation, not a duty. I'm here because I love him."

"Alright, well that makes what I need to ask easier I suppose. Once he starts chemo he's going to need a lot of help. Now of course I'll be around, but I can't be all the time. I was wondering if you-"

"You want to know if I can be here to help."

"Yes." His mother shrugs, glancing from Rick to Kate and back again. "He'll be quite weak, and I don't want to pressure you to have to deal with that, but he's going to need the people he loves around him."

"I'll be here as much as I can. I'll talk to my captain and make him aware of the situation, let him know that I might need to take some days off or cut out early or whatever." The determination so obvious in Kate makes Rick feel better about the whole situation. As terrified as he is about chemotherapy, about having cancer in general, at least she'll be here.

Kate is resilient and unwavering and she'll do whatever she can to help him, he's sure of it. But there's something else he has to ask, too. "Kate. . .this is going to be hard on my daughter. Alexis gets the car service to and from school, so that's fine. But she's used to me being able to play with her, and I won't be able to."

"When I say I'll be here, I mean for your whole family, Rick. I'll be here for whatever Alexis needs, too. As long as you're comfortable with that."

"Yes." He touches his mouth to her cheekbone in an almost-kiss, ghosting his fingers up and down her arm. "My daughter really, really likes you. Having you around will be good for her."

"I was thinking, Castle. . .it might be easier if I move into the loft while you're being treated. So I can just come straight here from work without having to stop at my apartment first." She shrugs, and he can tell that she's trying to be nonchalant about it, as if she isn't aware of the wild thrumming of his heart in his chest like a captive bird.

Rick kisses her mouth, completely ignoring the watchful eyes of his mother on them as his tongue strokes inside and she lifts up into him. Breaking away, he scatters kisses to her cheeks, her forehead, until she huffs and pushes him back. "You're willing to do that for me?"

"Yeah."

"You can have the guest bedroom if you want, Kate. It doesn't have to be. . ." something it isn't is what he wants to say, but he's not sure that that's true. What it is is Castle being hopelessly in love with this woman and wanting to spend the rest of his life with her. Regardless of the fact that how much time he does have left is something none of them really wants to think about.

Kate lifts an eyebrow at him and purses her lips, her head tilting in a slow perusal of him. "If it's okay with you, I think I'll share your bed."

That earns her a delighted peal of laughter from Rick's mother and he flushes, burying his face in his hands. "Okay. You can share my bed."

"Thought so." She murmurs, her eyes bright with amusement, and Castle hooks an arm around her shoulders to drag her against him. Until now, he's felt almost in limbo. But now he has Kate, and this whole future stretched out in front of them, and he refuses to die.

He just won't.