[Okay, so I bet you're all like. OH COME ON HURRY UP. Sorry it took so long I had to buy a ham and a turkey for Thanksgiving tomorrow and then there was just. Things. THINGS MAN. So anyway, the following chapter is sort of.. like.. a bit walking angst storm, okay. I mean it's a breakdown. It's a Tony breakdown, mind you, so it's not exactly all out because. You know. Big bad Tony with big bad walls and stuff. Anyways, enjoyyyy!]
"You've reached the voice mail box of Pepper Potts." There was a pause here, because she was trying to stifle a giggle. Tony was standing in the living room all over again, arms wrapped tight around the beautiful redhead. He could feel her skin against his finger tips, because her shirt had been riding up just right and her dark blue hip-huggers were so tight against her- "Please leave your name, number, and a brief Tony-" His name was nearly silent, and if Tony couldn't remember the exact moment, his finger tips playing with her soft sides and trying to coax some laughter out of her, he wouldn't have noticed. Still it sent a shiver down his spine, and another sob rocked his body.
"A brief message," Pepper continued, sounding as though she was getting playfully annoyed, "and I'll get back to you as soon as possible!" The last bit was little rushed, because Tony had succeeded. God, that laugh was so beautiful. They had argued for a full fifteen minutes about whether or not she should keep the message or try again. Tony won in the end, of course. Tony was shocked back into reality at the beep. He should have hung up right then and there, not put himself through this torture. But instead he cleared his too tight throat for the hundredth time since this call had started.
"Pep," Tony finally gasped, feeling as though he might vomit. God he wished his glass wasn't empty. "Pepper, oh God, Pepper." One hand slipped up to dry burning eyes, but the floodgates were already opening. Still Tony held fast, refused to lose it. "I'm so.. God it's beautiful. To hear your voice. I didn't know how much I..." A moment to drag in a rugged breath, because good God he couldn't possibly keep talking if he didn't. "I miss you. I've tried so hard to figure out that fucking cure, it's just some simple fucking science and I can't even-" Another sob at this, because Jesus he'd never opened up about this. And now he was confessing to his dead girlfriend. "I wish you were here, now, because I need your help. I know you probably don't want to hear about it... Please, know, I love you, and I would never replace you, Pep, never could. Never can. It's just... Steve... Fuck I think I'm falling for him, and you'd know what to tell me, what to say, how to say it.. You could tell me what to d-"
"We're sorry," cut in the mechanic voice. "But you've exceeded the permitted time limit of a voice message. Please hang up and try again."
Frantic, Tony did exactly that the moment the phone cut off. He couldn't dial the numbers fast enough, crying out right now, because fuck his pride he needed to hear her voice again. Tony needed to finish this, because if he didn't get this off of his chest he really was going to be no more good.
"We're sorry, but the voice mail box of the number you are trying to reach is full." What an automated bitch. Heart sunk at the words. "Please hang up and try again."
Tony listened to the static that seemed to drown the silence, although he knew it should be barely noticeable. Suddenly the phone cut, and the busy signal began to buzz in his ear. All of the weight on Tony's shoulders seemed to lift only enough to slam back down and snap him like a twig. Within seconds the phone was slammed against the concrete of the balcony, taking an odd thrill as he watched it shatter. He tried to scream, but the only sound to escape him was another rough sob. Pepper was gone. Really gone, which Tony had always known. But now it was so official. Pepper's voice on the other end of the phone, it had only solidified the fact that he'd never have her back. Everything Tony had wanted to tell her the day of her death, all the things he'd been too proud to say.. This was all too much.
Steve's attention was first caught by a flash of something moving past the window outside, barely visible in the darkness. He paused mid-sketch wondering just what on Earth that had been. The unidentified object was followed by a potted plant, and Steve went pale when he saw a wicker chair fly by.
Steve took the stairs two at a time, not even pausing to knock. He barreled through Tony's bedroom door, racing onto the balcony. Tony had the other chair lifted over his head. Steve only paused for a moment. What had gotten into Tony? But this was what he'd been waiting for, right? Steve closed the gap between them, grasping the chair tightly before Tony had the chance to send that into the darkness as well. Tony wasn't sure what the hell was going, but he turned to wrench the chair from whatever had caught it.
One look at tear stained cheeks, bloodshot eyes, and Steve nearly crumbled himself. God, Steve had never seen Tony look so vulnerable before. It was so beautiful, but absolutely terrifying. Steve took advantage of Tony's shock, tugging the chair completely away and discarding it beside them. Tony was breathing ragged, short breaths, trying to silence his sobs. Fuck, why did Steve have to be here?
"Go the fuck away Rogers," Tony hissed, trying to sound convincingly malicious. The waver in his tone and the quiver of his lip didn't really help him there, sort of threw the idea out the window.
"I'm not going anywhere, Tony," Steve said quietly, carefully lifting his arms, open wide in case Tony hit bottom that hard. Steve wasn't holding his breath, though. With the way Tony was acting, he was going to try and fix himself before he really let loose. "C'mon, lets go inside." When Tony tried to instead twist away, Steve took a step closer to the shaking mess of a man. He wasn't at all surprised when Tony's fist tried to slam against his cheek. It wasn't hard to catch his wrist, careful with his super strength, yanking Tony forward. To hell with it, Steve was making the choice for him.
As soon as Tony's face made contact with Steve's chest, a sharp breath was sucked in by both. This was so right. Steve was here, Tony could rely on him. Could open up without fear of Steve pushing him away, or thinking less of him. Tony just slumped against Steve, trying to make his cries as silent as possible. That wasn't really working out for him, because as soon as Steve's arms tightened slightly around him, fingers gently tracing against his spine, Tony's crumbling walls finally deteriorated. Tony hated this, hated being a crying mess. Especially in front of Steve. Captain fucking America, his brother in arms. Tony was a man, a Stark man, and that meant he couldn't behave like a sniveling child this way.
"Tony," Steve whispered softly, chin resting against dark hair. "Just let it out. I won't let go, alright? No one will ever hear about this, I promise." How he'd known exactly what was going through Tony's head was something that Stark wouldn't question, because he was afraid that the answer would drive him up the wall. Steve ached to grab Tony's chin, kiss away his tears. Hearing the sobs grow harder, feeling the shaking become more violent. Steve finally pulled back just enough to slip two fingers beneath Tony's chin. Chocolate eyes were a strange mixture of empty and hopeful. Maybe Tony could convince Steve that sex was the best cure, all he had to do was suck it up and lean closer-
"Alright, I'm going to regret this..." Steve sighed softly, wishing he wasn't willing to resort to this. "But lets... lets get you inside and get you a drink, alright?" Tony needed something, anything to calm his nerves even slightly, though Steve hated to think this was the best he could give him. Steve might find this bittersweet, being able to hold him without Tony even thinking to push him away, but he would give anything to make him stop crying. Seeing Tony like this was a little painful.
Tony didn't need a second offer. He shot for the bar, only to find strong hands leading him to the couch. Tony tried to protest- While it was sweet that Steve was obviously willing to get him a drink, something told Tony that his original idea of a tall glass filled with everything behind the bar was probably out the door and over the balcony. You know, with the chair, and the glass, and the.. Oh the poor plant. That had been a gift from Hammer, it deserved a much more hideous death.
As Steve left his side to pick out a drink, Tony took the moment to try and compose himself. Dammit, this was Tony fucking Stark, and he was better than these tears. Better than a breakdown, better than.. He was able to coax himself out of sobs, but breath still hitched here and there as silent tears slowed to a drip. Desperately he tried to lock himself away, but every attempt seemed to drive a knife straight into his heart. By the time Steve was presenting him with a glass of scotch, Tony was completely defeated. One shaking hand held the alcohol long enough to drain it before setting it on the table for now. tony refused to look at Steve, couldn't stand the pity he knew would be there. Steve helped Tony meet his eyes by slipping one hand beneath his chin until Tony glared defiantly at him.
"Talk to me, Tony," Steve insisted, obviously refusing to release his jaw until Tony agreed. Silence stretched between them. Steve decided to try another tactic. "Stop trying to rebuild the walls. It took two years to get you to this point, if you bottle this up... it's going to be worse next time. You don't want that, Tony, no one wants that." Tony couldn't stand the warmth in Steve's eyes, in his touch, his voice. Steve made it impossible to pretend nothing had happened. Tony felt guilty thinking about pushing Steve away. After all the Captain had done for him, even right this moment, there was no way Tony could not give him answers.
"I called Pepper." Tony didn't realize he had finally spoken. Steve looked a little startled. "I... never cut her phone line. I don't know why, I just sort of didn't think about it. At the time it wasn't.." He trailed off for the moment, handing Steve his glass with a pleading look. Only when Steve realized that he wasn't going to explain any further without another drink did Steve nod and go to grab the bottle. Tony cleared his throat, because God talking really dried it out. "Didn't realize I knew her number by heart, really. So anyway, it went to voice mail. I guess I just.. didn't realize how much I missed her until after I heard her voice. It's pathetic really. I mean, two years, and how many people have I re-"
"Stop," Steve said firmly, doing his best not to slip into Captain America tones. He was here for Tony as Steve, not as the super soldier. Not as the commanding officer. He placed the bottle on the table, before deciding he should instead pour Tony's glass. After all, he still needed Tony to drink in moderation. No getting completely shit faced tonight. "That's not true, Tony, and you know it. There is nothing wrong with hurting, you got me?" When Tony just made an annoyed sound and reached for his glass, Steve intercepted his hand. Tony's eyes flashed to him withing seconds, wishing his thought process wasn't so screwed up. "You loved her, Tony. Still do. There's nothing wrong with it. Now tell me the rest."
Tony hesitated, because now things were getting deep. "It's.. Look, it's complex," Tony insisted, but knew from the eye roll that Steve wasn't taking that. Of course it was complex, this was Tony they were discussing. "Pepper has just... She was the first person to know what I was saying without really saying it. Pep knew me inside and out, knew every way to control me while still letting me think I had the say in every matter. She was such a perfect friend, and then I fell in love with her. And God, she fell in love with me too. Something that's never happened before." A tear, and then another, and he was wiping his eyes again, yanking his hand from Steve's grip to grasp his glass. This time he took a sip, knowing all too well that the stupid Captain would be cutting him off soon.
"It's just.. Look, you know what it's like to lose someone," Tony continued with a shrug. "It hurts. It hurts more than I could ever fucking imagine and I am a shitty human being for being such an ass for you when we first met. You had to go through this alone. Look at us now, we're great friends, I could have.. Been there, or something." And that was another one of those famous Stark apologies. Never did the word 'sorry' slip into the mix, but they both knew it was there. "That's why I've been back to who I was before I met her. I figured if I just kept fucking up, Pepper would somehow intervene, which is a totally ridiculous idea mind you because she's dead and death is-"
"Alright, Tony, back on track," Steve insisted, because he didn't want to get into the matter of life after death with Tony. One of the many things they could never agree on.
"It's.." Tony groaned, and to hell with it, he drained the glass. Because this was getting a little too open for his comfort, wasn't it? "I don't know." Why had he begun blabbering to Steve, anyway? But now that he'd started he honestly couldn't stop. "I heard her voice and I though, wow, I can tell her everything I've wanted to. Ask her all the things I need answers to. And then it.. it cut off and I just.." Tony shrugged his shoulders, mouth moving wordlessly as he covered his face in his hands, tears flowing and cries once more audible. He couldn't tell Steve what he was confused about, what he needed answers for, because he could tell by the way Steve held him, by the way Steve stroked his back and whispered comforting words, that it would just end with the two curled close to one another and swearing their hearts to no one else. Tony didn't want that, not right now. Or rather, he did. He wanted it more than anything. But it just wasn't good timing, was it?
"Tony," Steve whispered, and before either knew what he was doing Tony was in his lap, wrapped in tight arms. And Tony didn't fight it. Body went limp, because God this was so familiar in a strange way. Except usually Tony was the one holding someone, holding Pepper. Being on the other end was so nice. Safe. "What you.. what you said about it hurting." Steve cleared his own throat, because wow, when was the last time he'd talked about his own loss? "I wouldn't change the way our relationship started, or the way it has grown. I could have used a friend, but I was equally a... a... well, a dick to you back then. That's not even important anymore. The important part is, until I really let it hit me, I hated this. I hated being in this time, surrounded by this awful technology and the horrible people. Especially you." Oh, Tony didn't even snicker? Soft sigh escaped Steve, and he pressed on with his own little speech. "The point is, you're the reason I stopped hating it. Because you were there, even if you don't realize it. Showing me how to use my phone, enhancing the punching bags so I could use them for more than five minutes without them bursting. Simple things. Please, Tony. Let me do that for you. Let all of us be there for you, because it's not just me. We're all afraid we're going to lose you to yourself if you keep this up."
Tony couldn't believe that he'd just gotten such a confession from Steve. Because yeah, he made speeches, but they were usually some sort of motivational thing before a mission or a lecture after. Tony didn't answer. Couldn't answer, at first. Then, when he was sure he could speak without his voice hitching and making him sound like a pre-pubescent child, Tony looked back up to Steve. To hell with it. He placed a gentle kiss on the mans cheek, before patting him on the head.
"You're always here, Firecracker," Tony said with a shrug. "Even when I don't want you to be. I don't know how to go from here, if I'm supposed to keep talking about Pepper with everyone or what. Just.. if I'm going to keep talking tonight, I'm staying right fucking here. And no one ever hears about the time I curled up in Captain America's lap and cried like a baby, you got me?"
Steve grinned, and he honestly wasn't sure if it was from Tony giving him that soft kiss, or if it was because he was finally letting Steve all the way in. A short nod, and Tony was spilling his feelings again. This time, Steve got it from the beginning. It turned out to be a late night, Tony starting with Howard and then jumping to Obidiah, and finally talking for hours about Pepper. There were a lot of awkward silences when Tony would need a moment. Tony cried a lot, and Steve patiently rubbed his back and held him through it. There were even moments of laughter, like when Tony mentioned the time he'd accidentally set the lab on fire as a kid, because Howard had been mumbling some nonsense in his sleep that was actually impossible, but Tony had tried to make it work.
By four in the morning, Tony was half-lit but still able to comprehend all that was going on. The two didn't move from the couch, not until Tony's breath became even and shallow. Steve hated to move, but his back was hurting. To hell with it, Tony could complain in the morning. Steve found his way to Tony's bed, cradling the man close before lying him down and crawling in beside him. Because for the night, he'd gotten Tony all to himself. All he wanted now was to fall asleep with him. Maybe in the morning he could discuss the matter of their relationship, and how it was just downright cruel to continue calling it a friendship.
By the time Steve closed his eyes, he'd decided noon would be when they discussed things. Because there was no way he was waking up before then, and judging from Tony's obvious exhaustion the man would be out far longer. Arms tugged Tony closer, a yawn escaping Steve as he silently admitted that he could get used to this.
And a few other things, of course.
[Okay this is one of those chapters that's gonna get serious editing when I go back. I think I like how it turned out? I would seriously appreciate reviews on this one. I need to know what you all think!]
