Chapter Nine:

"Hey."

His hand caught hold of my free arm, pulling me back toward him before I could make my escape. The eyes of the other students lingered on us as he stared me down, the two of us frozen like statues in the middle of the walkway between school buildings. Not knowing what to do, I tried to think of some excuse. Say I need to get to my next class, say that Kiyoko needs help somewhere, anything! I snapped at myself.

It had been a weekend of silence between us after I fell ill. I couldn't go to class, under the nurse's orders, but Rin never stopped by to see me. Of course, I don't know why I expected him to since I left him with an unanswered question. Yet I still felt betrayed...and confused. Feeling unsure of myself around him would never stop being a challenge. All I knew for sure was that I was dead weight for him, a distraction from his real goals whether he wanted to admit it or not.

"We need to talk," he said after I noticed that I was still silent.

I nodded, taking my arm back as he looked for a quiet corner for us, and wished for the bell to ring. I wasn't ready to talk to him, to ruin everything we had been able to patch up since the past month. Being prepared to tell him the truth and doing so were very different things, and while I was thinking as congruently as a headless chicken, there were no other options to take.

But...it needs to be done, I thought. He and I can't go on like this much longer.

Under a nearby tree hidden by bushes, he and I stopped, neither daring to speak up. I didn't even know what to say. I avoided him in class up to that point thinking that he would let the question die off. But I really was panicking. This was Rin I was getting involved with, after all; he's too stubborn to let things go.

"Are you...feeling any better?" he asked.

I nodded at first, then realized I needed to speak while he and I were looking away from each other. "Yeah...u-I'm doing alright. What about...you?"

"Good."

Rin's anxious sigh sent chills down my spine as I snuck a peek at him. He irritably glared at my shoes as he reached behind to rub his neck, a visible tic of his that managed to make me squirm. He held me with those hands-

I nearly shouted out loud to myself for thinking that. My thoughts were slipping back to our kiss the other day and not even coming up with the right words to say to him. I couldn't believe I was this nervous around him. He was still Rin. He was the same classmate and club member, but under a different light...a different point of view that outlined the roughness of his knuckles and the feel of his lips on m-

Damn it! I pretended to notice a bird up above to avoid his gaze. He wasn't even talking, and my insides were melting...Puppy love is nothing but trouble...

The silence was unbearable, so I took advantage of it to speak before I could break down like a nervous wreck.

"R-Rin-"

"Nanami-chan," he nearly snapped. My jaw immediately clamped shut.

Taking a deep breath, he said, "What happened Friday...what I said before...I-I meant it. I meant it all. And I...still want an answer. I s-still want to know who you-who you want to swim with."

I opened my mouth to speak, wanting, urging words to come to me, but nothing did. Embarrassment filled my cheeks as I tried to think, failing to make sense of the jumbled thoughts swimming restlessly in my head. Rin waited for me to say something, watched me struggle to look at him.

"I-I can't..."

Those words felt ominous like it hadn't left me and was under lock and key in my mind. But when I glanced at Rin, I knew it escaped.

"What?"

Coming face to face with my fears, I turned to look at him, plunging right into the shark pit.

"I'm sorry..."

"Y-you're sorry? What's that supposed to mean?"

The truth burned in my throat but seeing the results of it left me charred and lifeless. Rin glared at me in disbelief, a stunned beast ready to unleash his wrath in retaliation, and I forced myself to look at him the entire time so that he wouldn't doubt me, that I wouldn't give myself the chance to second guess it. It had to be said...Rin has to give up on me...for his dreams...

"I can't-I can't tell you...and...I can't..."

"Can't what?" he demanded.

His tone froze me to the core. The sharpness of my nails in my palms became numb to me, and I stopped answering altogether.

"C'mon, dammit! Why can't you answer me?!"

He stomped toward me, making me cower back against the tree until there was no ground left. His hands gripped me tightly by the arms, forcing me to look him in the eye, to see the hurt I was causing him. Rin was close, too close, and my will was slipping. I wanted to tell him that, yes, I yearned to swim with him, I wanted to be at his side the entire time, but couldn't. It was selfish to entertain the thought of saying it because he needed to swim with Haru to make up for all those years of emotional and mental toil. There was no way I could bring myself to come between him and his dreams, his opportunity to become an excellent swimmer. If tearing us apart was going to help him, then I had to be a monster.

"What aren't you telling me?" he asked with a hint of desperation.

"Rin-kun..." Don't look at me like that...Don't look at how it's affecting me too...

"Tell me."

Sucking in a sharp breath, I opened my mouth to tell him the one thing that would part us for good.

"I saw you talking to Haruka, that day at the store."

His lips parted slightly in surprise. He kept his eyes on me, but I could sense our relationship slipping away in the process.

When he stayed quiet, I continued, "I heard you c-conversation, and-and I know you won't swim for me. You want Haruka to swim for you. You need him to...and I think I know why.

"S-so, I can't tell you. I can't give y-you an answer...I'm-I'm not as talented of a swimmer as you...I-"

"Don't give me that crap! You know that's not true!" he shouted at me.

He inched closer to me, but I pushed him away. Overwhelmed by his reaction, I looked away from his eyes that bore into me with agony and hate. No matter how much I wanted him to understand, the guilt would never subside, and he would never come to terms with it like I would. He was different, and I would never be anything like him, as I tried to remind myself...and I couldn't take my time explaining myself. I wanted it to be over as quickly as possible.

"It's the truth, but you just won't see it!" I snapped back. "I'm not as good at swimming as you, but I don't need you to slow down for me like I need to be babysat. Why should I swim with someone who doesn't take me seriously?!"

That was the first time I saw loathing in his expression, felt it curdle the air around me like spoiled milk.

I finally did the deed, but the consequences were nothing like I had ever imagined.

"It wasn't about swimming," he growled before composing his temper. "But if that's what this is all about, then have it your way."

Without another word he stomped away, turning a corner out of my sight. There came the sound of a trash can smacking into something, rolling to a stop, and then a faint, wild, maniacal beating echoing in my ears. The next thing I know I'm on my knees shaking with so much regret I wanted to cry. I held back as much as I could in case Rin was still close by, but he was gone...

Never coming back to me.


"Mio-san, may I speak to you for a moment?"

Thursday afternoon I tried walking out of history class without making eye contact with my teacher. Blending in with the others exiting only gained me a few feet before one person beside me walked ahead, exposing me to Tanaka-sensei. Already knowing what she was going to say, I solemnly turned to her and asked, "Yes, ma'am?"

"I won't beat around the bush when it comes to students like you, but I'd like the bring to your attention that your papers and grades are slipping to a devastatingly low point. I don't know why, and I won't ask, but you need to do something about it. I'm aware that you are a part of the swim team, correct?"

"Y-yes..."

"If you can't manage your time properly studying anymore, I suggest taking some time off of your extracurricular activities. I would hate to see such a promising talent go to waste."

"Yes, ma'am. Excuse me."

I walked out of the classroom, thanking God that the hallway was empty. The third time being pulled aside by a teacher like that wasn't as devastating as the last two. Rin..."He" was nearby when our science teacher started lecturing me about my grades. I knew I wasn't doing well, but I just couldn't find the inspiration to try. What happened that Monday, by the accursed tree, did something to me that I hadn't felt in a long time, not since Mother...

Seeing "him" after practice added more weight to my guilt, and soon after I found myself losing my focus in swimming. Fearing the worst coming from my team captain, I decided against going to the meet-up that afternoon. The talk with my history teacher was the breaking point. I needed rest. I needed time to think to myself. Swimming wasn't important...

And I'm not getting any better at swimming, anyway...

Kiyoko greeted me at our door with her gym bag in hand and a meek smile to cheer me up. "Hi, senpai...umm, are you...going...?"

I walked around her and into our room avoiding eye contact. Setting my bag aside my desk I told her, "I don't think I can make it. Can you go ahead without me?"

"S-sure..."

She closed the door after her, leaving me to my worried thoughts. I stared at my desk, papers riddled with failing, crimson-stained grades, hoping she didn't see them. The idea of coming to terms with myself, starting anew when I felt like I wasn't ready, flared my anxiety like a candle freshly lit. But I couldn't let fear stop me. It was just a temporary emotion. If I allowed it have any more control over me, I wasn't going to be able to pass my exams.

Shaking off the anxious jitters, I changed into my lounge clothes; my p.j. bottoms and a simple tank top that let me breathe better in the budding summer weather. Pulling my bangs into a pinned tail, I sat down and gripped my pencil tight, swallowing back dread before diving into the first textbook laid out and the homework tucked into the reference page.

At first, the work seemed comfortable, but an hour in, my thoughts lingered to earlier.

"I won't beat around the bush..."

The pencil tip stayed in place on the work page.

"...are slipping to a devastatingly low point..."

Beads of sweat trailed down my neck, sending a creepy chill down my back.

I ignored it and continued to write.

"I suggest taking some time off of-"

"-All you are is a nuisance to him."

I slammed my pencil down on my desk. It was natural to have doubts...doubts, sure, I thought sarcastically, and so I turned to my other papers as a means of distraction. My palms were still clammy after I wiped them on my leg. Just another nervous outcome, I summed up. Yet my nerves began humming beneath my skin as I tried looking over my Trigonometry answers. None of the numbers seemed right to me; they spun around on paper while the cold sweats worked up my arms. Maybe it was my body trying to tell me to stop, but I wouldn't listen. I couldn't stop, not when I was on a roll to recovery.

Anxiety rose goosebumps to life on my skin, and I fought the urge to walk away. No matter what, I couldn't break. There was no room for me to do so. I have to catch up with my classmates. I have to catch up to Rin.

His name was the catalyst. My thoughts shifted from my teachers to my failing marks, then to my homework that I switched back and forth from. I couldn't stick with anything written beforehand. It was like everything else moved away from me, far ahead as I struggled to follow, and gradually I fell behind then-

"Damn it!"

My chest felt heavy with the breaths I took, skin slicked with sweat, and my body like lead, singing with nerves. The once faint headache suddenly seizing to life clouded my thoughts until I couldn't stand the look of a textbook.

Putting my forehead on the desk, I tried breathing slowly, unable to calm the tides of my anxiety.

This isn't what I wanted...I had everything planned out...

It all seemed so simple when I first began the school year. I knew for sure that I was going to become a marine biologist by studying at the top of my class. I was going to make a fresh start from my awkward middle school years and the scars of my childhood. I was going to make Mother proud...

But there I was struggling with homework. My concentration, maybe my sanity, was shot to hell, and all because of one guy I thought I'd never get to see again. He's the one who flooded my thoughts, who was the reason I panicked over every little thing. Rin...I can't believe he has this much effect on me...

A sudden knock came from the door. I heard a familiar squeak of a voice and then the doorknob turning, but I didn't bother moving.

"Senpai, I'm coming in, and we have a guest," Kiyoko said as she closed the door.

I quickly sat up in a better position before the "guest" could see me. My practiced smile forming on my lips briefly paused as I found our team captain standing in front of the door, Kiyoko moving to put her bag beside the bunk beds. The way our Chie carried herself, looked at me, I could tell I was going to get my ear chewed off.

And I wasn't in the mood for any more lectures.

"Umm, Nanami-senpai, our-our captain wanted to..."

"I came to stop by," finished the captain. "To see how you're doing."

"Oh," I answered, faking surprise," I'm fine, thank you. I...'m sorry for missing practice. I was-"

"Homework. Yes, I can imagine the struggle with that when you were out sick."

The twinge of frustration in her voice prodded at my fake demeanor. It was almost obvious that she was disappointed in me. Not that I can do anything to help that, as this week has proven.

"Yes, well, I am busy at the moment. Thank you for-"

"Mio-san, I hope this isn't about last week that you're skipping practice."

"Excuse me?"

Both Kiyoko and I were visibly shocked as our captain said, "I know a liar when I see one.

"Pardon me for being frank, but the real reason for my visit was to bring you back to the team. I know things must be stressful for you right no-"

"You don't know anything, " I said, my polite facade shattering to dust.

I stood up, ignoring Kiyoko's attempts to calm me down, and stopped right before Chie and replied, "I don't give a damn about anyone's sympathy for me about what happened earlier. I don't want to continue something I'm no good at and be surrounded by others who constantly stare at 'poor, little Mio.' I'm done!"

My exhaled breaths came out as quiet shrieks of rage, all that pent up hurt being released on someone who, I became aware of too late, didn't deserve all of it. In the back of my mind I was ashamed, but then again if Chie were that upset then she'd honestly give up on me-

"You realize that all of that self-pity is a bunch of crap, right?" she said in a firm tone I couldn't recognize. "Mio-san..."

Her hands gently came to rest on my shoulders, her touch alone a demand for attention like a queen would from her courtiers.

"What happened earlier is in the past. On behalf of the team, I am ashamed, disgraced that such behavior had happened under my nose. But, no one is going to give you sympathy should you really not want it. All the girls right now are focusing on the tournament, especially after we lost those three girls on our team. This isn't the time to give up when we're so close to the race. This is crunch time for all of us.

"So," she continued after a break for breath," I came here to tell you to get your act together. You are actually one of our best butterfly swimmers, and it'd be a shame to see you go. But, I can replace you just as easily as the last three girls. Do you really want to quit?"

My cheek burned more with embarrassment as her question hung dead in the air.

"Mio-san?"

More rage and fury swept over me, craving to be set free. I thought I wanted to swim for myself, for Mother, for Kiyoko, and then Rin came along, but-but after the argument...I wasn't...Didn't I want to leave it behind?

My head started shaking, and the answer unfolded before me. I still had Kiyoko rooting for me, and as my captain tried to make me understand, I couldn't quit when it mattered most to train. Earlier I thought Rin...I thought he was a good enough reason to swim, but I couldn't rely on that pipe dream any longer. I knew that deep down I still cared about swimming, so I just had to move on and find another purpose to swim.

"N-no..."

"What was that?" our captain asked.

"I don't want to be replaced. I want to stay on the team!" I nearly shouted.

She gave me a glowing smile I never thought possible from her and then said, "Good.

"Now follow me."


"Let's see some hustle, Mio! Rotate the hips, just like from last week's session! C'mon, think about the other swimmers who're gaining on you!"

Halfway to the finishing point, I sped up to the clapping and whistle-blowing of my captain. I was light on water, like sea breeze on the ocean, unleashed compared to my chained down form from before. Kicking out my feet, I carved my way through the water, feeling its cool kiss on my skin as I sped on ahead. Seconds later, I was practically laughing in between breaths for air. That kind of bliss was like a drug.

"How'd I do that time, captain?" I asked as I climbed out of the pool.

"If we can squeeze in another practice before we leave, I think you can beat the record," Chie answered, looking over her clipboard to give me a thumbs-up.

"Senpai, I'm so happy for you!" said Kiyoko as she came toward us in her swimsuit.

"Thanks. Good luck to you, too."

"Th-thank you, senpai!" she squeaked with reddening ears.

The evening sun burned to a crisp red in the distant sky outside the pool room, a sign for me to get back to the dorms to study. Even after avoiding the trouble of failing my classes earlier, I wasn't going to relax just yet. It was a grueling month of training and studying, but I was lucky to have pulled through with my improved attitude.

"Hey, Mio-san, before you go," asked Chie, "do you remember the rosters I showed you last week?"

"Yeah," I answered. How could I forget? My cousin snuck around during our trip and shared intel with my captain without saying 'hi.' But most importantly...

"Are you sure you can pull through both the hundred meter freestyle and butterfly? You can't overwork yourself on one before the other."

"It's no problem. I can do it."

I knew what I was getting myself into, though it wasn't my initial intention when signing up for the events those long months back. Learning that Kasumi had signed up for the hundred meter freestyle, I knew I had to pull myself together. She was determined to move on as she'd expressed during the joint practice, and to me, the freestyle was a way to show that I did too.

I was on my way down a newer, brighter path.