Chapter nine: Red
John's P.O.V
I swear, my dreams, and my mind, I shouldn't be allowed to dream. I shouldn't be allowed to think. My dream, was more like a nightmare. I don't think I could handle it if it actually happened.
Dave.
Dave is always the problem.
My dream was something that consisted of college, Dave, and myself. An empty college and I, John, trying to run away from Dave. I could hear his breathing in my ear, along with my heartbeat. When I thought I was safe, I wasn't. When I thought he wasn't behind me, he was.
He would pin me down to the desk of English 1A and explore my body. He would run his fingers all up and down my skin, finding the right spots to touch me at. He would trace his fingers along my collarbone and I would think that he would break it.
But he didn't.
I shut my eyes tightly as I felt my pants get undone and his whispers say, "It's okay John."
My eyes shot open and my breathing was in pants. It was a nightmare, but when I looked down at my lap and felt something wet, my eyes began to tear up. It was a wet dream.
Fuck, I didn't want to have a wet dream about him.
I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed, getting out of bed and stripping the sheets. I grabbed a pair of freshly clean boxers and made my way to the bathroom first. I cleaned my bottom half with the shower nozzle, blushing as I remembered the dream. It was defiantly unnecessary to have something like that and I cursed my brain for doing it.
I dried off and slipped on the boxers, taking the soiled sheets to the washer which was in the bathroom. I stuffed them in the washer and poured in some detergent, turning it all the way around to fifteen hot and closing the lid.
I yawned and went back to my room, rubbing my eyes and sitting on my stripped bed. I got out my laptop and went back to work on my assignment for English 1A. I was already two pages in on the assignment, I didn't know if there was a page limit of not, so I continued where I left off.
It saddens me dearly that people go as far as to play with your emotions. In the book The girl with the dragon tattoo, Lisbeth couldn't have had done anything because she was weak at the moment in time. And he was her higher up, her case manager. Whether he had a thing for her or just wanted to use her for a good fuck was up to him. But it's wrong. I had a friend, who was sexually abused. It was a he, and he was in love with another male. This love was not real, nothing could have been done to prevent what the male did to my friend. Could it be the cycle of life? Perhaps not, but should it happen? Definitely not.
I didn't know how to end my two pages, so I left it like that. And book recommendation? I really didn't know of any. But I did read a good book about a hemapadidte called Annabele, so I threw that in there.
It was 5:06am and I decided that I couldn't sleep any longer, and that it was useless to go back to sleep when I had to really get up at 7am.
So what do I do with my time?
I think.
I think about all that has happened to me in the past day with Dave. I think about my time in High school. I think about my time with Dave when he humiliated me, I think about the time I had to transfer schools because I could stand to see the look on Dave's face when he saw me.
I think.
And when I think about stuff like that, I get angry, I get sad, I get upset, im just.. a not so good person to be around at that time.
I take in a breath and feel my wrists start to burn. I know what I want, and everytime I try and refrain for it, it never ends well.
I close my laptop and I go get the painting scalpel that I hide, and sit back on my bed. I take off my jacket and bite my lip.
Cut.
I can't describe what it feels like. It like, feels good in some twisted way. It takes away the pain.
Cut. Cut. Cut.
I don't want to smile, because that will give Dave the satisfaction, or at least I think it will. Whenever I do this, it's because of him. It's always been because of him.
Cut.
Cut.
Cut.
I stop and I grab a tissue from the tissue box on my nightstand table, my best friend since 10th grade. I place it on the cuts and sigh, I feel my heartbeat in my ears and I shake my head, nothing seems to go right.
At 7am I'm the only one up when people start to come down. I made breakfast just for me, while the girls try and scurry to get their things together.
I hold the piece of toast in my mouth, nibbling on it.
"John, you we're up early, what was that for?" Rose asks.
"I take the toast from my mouth, "Guy issues," I shrug.
"Oh, okay."
Jade makes some toast with jelly, Rose grabs a cereal bar and Kanaya grabs a water. We all have our bags and make out way out to the car, the same routine. Rose puts on some instrumental music as Kanaya Drives, and we are all quite. I kinda want to break the sound barrier by saying something, but I don't. It's kinda nice just listening to the music while Kanaya drives.
Rose, Jade, and I finish our breakfast and get out of the car, walking to campus. I don't see Dave anywhere, or maybe he sees me and is avoiding me because of my friends.
Smart idea.
All four of us part and I start to go to English 1A, knowing I'll run into Dave sooner or later. Yet, it has to be sooner. I hear my name being called almost right next to me and I turn, seeing Dave with a flower, no, a rose, held out in front of him.
I flush a bright pink and blink to make sure he's not just playing around.
"Um, what's this?" I ask.
"A rose."
"I don't want it," I say bluntly.
"Why not?" he asks.
"Because, I just don't."
He gets on one knee, still holding it to me, "Please take it, I want you to accept it. This will show that I'm not such a bad guy, right?"
I furrow my brows together and reach out for it, but the cloth on my hoodie brush my wrist and arms where the cuts are and I flinch, it hurts.
"You okay there?"
"Yeah," I take the rose and look at it.
Dave gets up and smiles, "You know, I would really still like to be your friend."
I look up from the rose, that's made its way to my nose, "I don't really want to be your friend though."
Dave takes a small step towards me, he towers over me and I look down holding the thorned rose.
"What can I do to make you see that I've changed?" he asks.
I squeeze the thorns and it punctures my skin.
"John?"
"I don't know, im not google okay? I don't know what you can do, what you can type in to say, ways to make John like me again. It doesn't work like that Dave!"
Dave is quite.
"I will never like you again, not in any sort of way. You took something from me, and even though we didn't go all the way, you took my first sexual experience away from me."
I squeezed Harder on the thorns.
"I don't even touch myself anymore except to go to the bathroom, I just, can't do it anymore."
"John-"
"So don't come up to me asking to be my friend, I don't want your sympathy."
"John-"
"I hate you."
"John!"
I looked up at Dave who was taking my hands away from the rose, they are bleeding and have little puncture holes in them.
"Shit, now you need to go to the infirmary, I knew I should have paid the extra five bucks to get them thornless."
Dave takes my wrist and I flinch as he pulls me down the hallway, "What about class?" I ask.
"Fuck class your hurt."
I feel my blood drip through my fingers, I'm totally blank from the hallway to the infirmary.
In the infirmary there's a nice lady who sees my punctures and sits me down, getting out some peroxide and some gaze and surgical tape.
She's in her twenties and I see her eyeing Dave, who, Dave is probably looking at her through his Shades. I look over at him, and no, he's looking directly at me. I feel my face get hot and I look away.
"Do you have any napkins?" Dave asks the lady.
"Mhm, on the counter to your right."
Dave goes over and grabs a napkin, cleaning off the blood from the rose stem.
"There you go cutie, your hand is like new."
I thank her and I get up, leaving with Dave. Its awkward, I guess for the both of us, that we have to walk to class together, yet none of us seem to have anything to say.
But of course Dave breaks it.
"So, are you going to keep the rose?"
I keep walking, and nod.
"Oh, cool, im glad."
I stop in the hall and Dave stops too, "John we better get to class."
I keep my head down, Why do I want to say sorry for saying I hate you? I shouldn't want to feel like that. I do hate him, I despise him.
"John?"
So, I don't get it.
"Hey, John." Dave take a step closer to me, putting a hand on my shoulder, I snap out of my thoughts and look at him.
"Oh, sorry, I was kinda lost for a second."
"Hey man, it's okay."
Why is he so nice?
I keep my head down until we get to class, class is fifteen minutes in and I take my seat and so does Dave. We are supposed to turn in our papers after the lecture and I wonder what Dave wrote. I wonder if he lied, I just can't help but wonder.
I set the rose down on the table and we read The girl with the dragon tattoo and I do like it, it's pretty interesting. I can't really follow along or keep up with it though. Personally I would just like to sleep or play some video games.
Towards the end, another assignment is handed out:
This is an aspect on life. What do you think of life? How do you take it in your holding grasp? Explain.
I put the assignment in my bag and get up with the rest of the people, looking back to see Dave is still sitting.
"Well, c'mon," I say.
He looks generally surprised and stands up, moving past people to get to me as I make my way to the desk to turn in my assignment and out the doors and down the hall.
"I thought you didn't want me around," he says.
"Personally, I really don't, but we're lab partners remember?"
"Oh yeah."
"Plus, thanks for the rose."
"You're welcome John."
In Science, things are uneventful and the teacher is bat ass crazy, but still fun say none the least. We are giving a chemical that is prone to burning when acid is added to the mixture.
"Sounds dangerous," Dave says.
I smile, "Yeah."
"Now, add one drop of acid to the beaker and watch the fireworks!" she says.
Dave and I both look at each other "Do you want to do it?" I ask.
"Sure, why not."
Dave takes the acid and adds one drop, and when he does a flame comes erupting from the beaker in all different controlled directions.
I smile, showing my teeth, which has a gap in the middle, "Wow! That's really something!"
Dave smiles, and the thing is I don't know if he's looking at me or the flame, I can't tell behind those big shades, "Mhm."
No assignment is posted for today, though she says that she might post one for tomorrow, though she's not sure.
I gather my stuff and see Dave is waiting for me, I refrain from smiling and meet him at the door,
"You know you have to skedaddle before my friends show up."
"I know, it's like our friendship is secrete."
I take I a breath, "I'm not your friend."
"I know, I like to think you are, since I can make you smile at some points during the day."
I smile, then hide it with my hand.
"See?"
This causes a blush.
"Anyway," He shoves his hands in his pants pockets and looks around, "Do you have a Pesterchum?"
"Um, yeah."
Dave gets out a pen from his pocket and asks for my hand, smooth, I give him my hand and he writes his username on it.
"Pester me, you know, whenever, if you want."
I look at it and nod.
"Bye John," And with that he's gone.
