So sorry it has taken me so long to get back to this! But here is another chapter!
I'm woken up when something starts moving under me. I then hear a grunt and my eyes shoot open.
"I'm sorry, my arm was sleep and I couldn't take it any more." Carlos says in a husky voice. I roll onto my back a blush creeping over my cheeks as I remember what had happened last night. I was just cuddling my best friend. "I didn't know it was so cold in here that you had to snuggle close." He said with a giggle. I look over at him as he stretches his arms up above his head. I look down at the tan skin that is exposed. I feel a deep blush creep over my cheeks and I instantly look away.
I decide not to lie to him, this time, "Nah, i had a bad dream."
Suddenly he turns worry covering he features, "Do you want to talk about it?"
"I don't even remember it actually, it just woke me up and I couldn't go back to sleep." I shrug and throw the covers off of me. Feeling the cold take hold of me instantly. But I ignore it and scoot to the end of the bed before I stretch. Arms over my head, on my tip toes.
"Oh, Kendall." I stop when I hear Carlos' sad voice. I wrap my arms around myself and pull James' shorts up to my waist, just for them to fall back to my hips.
"I need a shirt buddy." I say ignoring him the best I can.
He just nods and I can tell he is chocking back a sob. I go to the bathroom hoping he will have found one to fit well enough before I get back. But when I look in the mirror, I see what he sees. A boy way to skinny. I suck in and turn to the side evaluating how well my ribs show, the way the gym shorts fall loosely on my hips, and how the point of my hips are so prominent. I look down and see my hip bones show through my skin. I'm horribly pale. But isn't this what guys want? What James would want? Someone who he can wrestle with and not have to put effort into lifting me. Someone who will never gain weight? Someone who can do anything because skinny people can. They can do anything.
I am happy with who I am, I'm skinny and I always will be. I can't gain a single pound. I have James now, or more than I ever have before. I shake my head because I know I will never be thin enough. No matter how much I weigh. I look at my thighs, see, I can lose five more pounds. The gap isn't that big. Lets not even mention the scars and healing cuts that litter my body.
James wants someone who is small and dainty.
I walk out hating my imperfections. I walk into Carlos' room, to find it empty. I only find a long sleeve shirt on his bed. He know's I'll get cold if it's short sleeves. I throw it on and I go to grab my phone. I notice a text from James. I can't help but smile at the words 'hey you, hope you slept good. 3' I feel the familiar blush creep across my cheeks as I type back my response 'I did, slept like a baby'
I don't even notice when I lie any more. It's automatic at this point. And I don't know how to stop it. I shake my head again, it's how I clear my thoughts. I have to physically push them away. I tuck my phone into my pocket.
I skip down the stairs trying to be happy for Carlos. I hate it when I hurt him, but i don't know how to stop.
"Hey buddy, I'm making bacon and eggs." His voice is chipper again, like nothing happened, and I notice how he says it, not giving me a choice. But just the thought of eating makes me want to throw up. Preparing for what I'll have to do if I do dare take a bight. I can't eat more than 500 calories a day. If I do I know I will gain. I have to save those calories for later just in case.
I choke down the saliva that is threatening me, "I'm gonna go have a cigarette." Maybe he will be done eating by the time I'm done with my cancer stick.
I see a flash of something across his face. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe anger? disappointment? I can't tell. I just drop my head and grab his jacket on my way out the door. I pull my cigarettes out of the car and light one up. Breathing in deep, it helps take the edge off my hunger and my anxiety is almost instantly smothered.
I am starting to feel insecure. I need to talk to Carlos. He is my everything. He has always been there for me. He is the one person I cant lose. James crosses my mind, but he isn't Carlos. I need my Carlos. I want James. And honestly if I'm making Carlos happy, maybe I can make James happy too. I know they just want me to eat, they want me to stop cutting. But it all back fires. The more they notice, the more they feel bad, the more I feel bad, the more I restrict, the more I cut because of my anxiety. It makes it worse. It brings back the nagging of my stomach making me want to keep it empty, my thighs and hips start to tingle, waiting for the skin to be penetrated.
I can't keep pushing Carlos away, I have to talk to him. I can't let him leave me. We finally have a group of friends. I can't just let that go. I bend down and rub out my cigarette before putting the butt into the package and placing it back into the glove box where it wont be found. I take in a few deep breaths, preparing for the conversation and the imminent threat of food that will be forced down my throat.
I walk into the house, hanging his coat back up, he will be mad that it smells like smoke…I see him sitting at the table staring at his phone, a stupid grin crossing his face. I sit down next to him, "What? Is it your boyfriend?" I tease.
He looks up shooting me a glare. "No, I don't have a boyfriend, dumbass."
"Whoa, we are touchy this morning." I say with a small amount of annoyance.
I hesitate for a moment, before I tentatively reach out and take a piece of bacon off his plate and take a small bite. He looks at me like he had just seen a ghost. I didn't know it was THAT big of a deal. I roll my eyes and throw it back down on the plate.
I pull my phone out of my pocket, trying to get up the courage to talk to him, to ask him the question I so desperately need to. 'Same. Logan spent the night and he likes to go to bed early, I was bored after you guys left.'
I should have guessed that Logan was a early nighter. Him and Carlos are opposites in every other way, why would this be any different. Maybe I was hoping there would be one thing they would have in common, besides working in the health care field. I type my response back slowly procrastinating, 'Ha, should have guessed. Carlos was up later than me too.'
I look down at the table and fold my hands carefully. Its now or never. I really don't want to miss my chance. This is my chance, the perfect opportunity. Looking down at my hands I take a deep breath before I start. Preparing myself what would be a truly hard conversation for me, "Can I ask you something? Seriously?"
I study him carefully out of the corner of my eyes, he just nods, "Sure"
My voice is barely a whisper, and I shock myself at how low it is, "You wont ever give up on me," I pause, but not long enough for him to say anything. "Right?" Now, I wait.
I get the courage to look at him after it takes him a few moments to answer. He has a look of shock on his face. Just staring at me. "What, why would you ask me something like that?"
I feel tears start to burn my eyes, I think their from relief, that his automatic answer wasn't 'well your difficult…' "I don't know, I feel like I am always hurting you. Always letting you down. Always disappointing you."
"Kendall," His voice is soft and he reaches out and touches my hand. "I'm not going to give up on you. Your my best friend, have been for so long now that I would never be able to live my life without you in it." It sounds like he is professing his love for me. "But," My head snaps up, and the tears fall now, from the shock, "I will admit sometimes you do hurt me, because I'm trying to help you, and its like you don't want to help yourself. I wish you would try to fix yourself. Help me help you."
I look down in shame. Looking at his hand that is laying over my folded ones. I know I need to help him help me. But I'm not there yet, I just proved that in the bathroom! There is always more to lose. "Kendall, you are killing yourself! How can you ask me if I will ever leave you when your the one that is going to leave me?!" His voice cracks and my eyes snap up. He is crying.
"But I'm just now getting James!" Now anger is flaring. I stand up and distance myself. "I'm finally almost perfect for him. If he had wanted me 10 pounds ago why didn't he tell me. I'm just now good enough for him. And I'm sure there are more parts that he would want me to lose. Look at him, he is perfect. No fat on his body at all!" I'm screeching and my voice is cracking.
"Kendall! For fucks sake! He is scared to! You know he is, he knows your not healthy. Don't you want to be healthy for him? And he has wanted you for so long. I'm sure he wanted you 30 pounds ago!"
"Great! Now I'm not healthy, fat people aren't healthy, why would I want to be fat?"
He is standing now. His voice going up several octaves. "He eats! And look at him, like you said, he is perfect. And he does it without starving himself to death. Literately."
"I'm not starving." Lie. "I do eat" Lie. "I just ate in front of you." Truth.
"How can you say you just ate? That was barely eating. And you know what. I promise you that you were going to get a glass of water, chug it. Do a few jumping jacks to shake it up, then say, I have to pee. I drank that so fast then go throw up. Yeah, you think I haven't been watching you for years? Haven't seen everything you have done to yourself?"
He is moving towards me fast, I back up but I don't move fast enough, and he knows it. He lifts up my shirt. "I see every rib you have Kendall! I see the point of your hips for Christ Sake!"
And that's it, I'm broken and I cant stop my knees from hitting the hard wood floor as I sob. I wrap my arms around my dainty waist, trying to hold everything in. "I know I need to change, I know I need to get better. Please. It hurts all the time. All the fucking time I hurt. My mind is constantly going, never relaxes."
All I feel is him wrap his arms around me and pull me close and into his lap. He is so warm and all I want to do is go to sleep in his arms.
It Will Pass
The next day at work is normal. Nothing happened. The four of us ate lunch together and talked an laughed. I'm making an effort. I got a salad from subway and asked for extra chicken. I got an approving smile from Carlos and James wrapped his arm around my waist. I felt a flutter in my stomach. Almost happy that I was doing what they wanted. I want to impress James and keep Carlos around. I eat most of it but not enough to give myself a food baby. Those are the absolute worst.
After lunch James stops us before we go our separate ways. "Hey, wanna come over after work tonight? We can watch movies and have pizza. You guys can stay the night. I have the spare room."
We all agree. Though, I almost instantly regret all the salad. If James is going to order pizza I have to eat. Hell, they will probably make me eat 2 slices and some bread sticks, at least Carlos will if he has any say in it. I feel the need to purge everything in my stomach now! At least the fucking chicken. That's what has all of the calories. Thank the heavens I was smart enough to ask for dressing on the side so I don't have to worry about that.
I start to think of an excuse not to go but then James wraps his arm around my waist, brings me closer, and kisses my temple. "Can't wait to spend time with you later." It's a whisper in my ear and it sends shivers down my spine. I push my body into his for a brief second before he is gone.
I look at Carlos just in time to see Logan give him a quick peck on the lips. I take a deep breath to get my thoughts back together. It's ok. I ate and he still likes me. He kissed me. Not on the lips but he kissed me. And told me he can't wait to see me later! He wouldn't have done that if he didn't want me. Right? Yeah. He still likes me after all that crap I ate. I can do this. I don't have to eat a lot. Just enough for effort. Maybe I can get by with one piece of pizza, don't eat the crust, and half a breadstick. Steal a bite from James or Carlos just to make a point.
It Will Pass
I'm dressed in a blue flannel shirt and skinny jeans. I turn and make sure my shirt isn't to tight anywhere but still tight enough it doesn't look sloppy and old.
My phone buzzes and I know it's Carlos ready to pick me up and head over to James'. I quickly head out, giving my mom a kiss and a 'love you', and hop in Carlos' car.
"Hey, 'Los." I say as I pull the seat belt across me.
"Hey buddy, ready?" He asks with his signature smile. I'm glad that we are ok again. I hate it when nothing seems to be going right. Though, as promised, I'm going to make an effort. I'm going to eat more than I'm comfortable with.
"Yeah." I'm honestly not ready. I'm terrified. I don't want to eat. I don't want to gain weight. I've been pretty much maintaining my weight and I'm terrified to see the scale when I eat something as heavy as pizza. I feel my anxiety start to spiral and I reach for my secret stash in Carlos' car. What is James doesn't want me any more once he realizes I've gained weight? I can't get to close. I can't get used to this. I can't let my feelings get out of control.
"Really? Your that nervous? It's not like this is the first time you guys have hung out." Carlos says as he watches me light up.
I take in a deep breath before answering, watching the smoke come out of my body. "I'm just nervous he will change his mind about me. I don't know. I know it's dumb." I add this last part as a side note, I don't need Carlos jumping down my throat again for hating myself. Literately.
I slowly smoke my cigarette in silence as we get closer and closer to what could be my future. Good or bad.
There it is guys! I hope you enjoy! I will try to get a new one up sooner. I have been working on this chapter for weeks! I just kept getting interrupted or I wouldn't know where to take it next. Thank you lovelies!
