"Levi what are you doing here?" Petra questioned, tilting her head sideways at the aloof soldier who was projecting an unusual expression on his face. The atmosphere around him was eerie, or rather— not his habitual, composed demeanor that he usually unveiled around others.
Levi shifted his hooded eyes towards her—taking a profound inquiry within the female soldier in front of him. They had known each other since the commencement of their training camp, generally exchanging a word or two—never dragging it out into a lavish conversation. It wasn't because he wasn't necessarily attracted to the girl, he just didn't have the given allotment to be going about with the opposite sex, much less, waste valuable time. He was a shallow being down to his core. He understood that much. He didn't know how to cherish the fragments of love. But who did in this shitty, fucked up world that they lived in?
He recalled Gunther disclosing a secret about her during their daily training while they were honing their skills in basic combat. Her deep admiration for him. Foolish. She hasn't seen the masked side of him—the side in which he would never concede to anyone. He always wore a pretense, in hopes that it would convey his disinterest in anything but slaughtering Titans. Because that's who he was. That part of him would never change, and he swore that no vitality would ever convert his disposition.
"Petra," He let out in a rugged voice, his eyes flashing formidable, obscure intentions in the depths of his orbs. "Come with me."
A shade of crimson hinted on the surface of her cheeks, her eyes flickering with such infatuation, such intensity that it sickened him in the pit of his stomach.
He hated that look of innocence.
Innocence that's never felt the depths of affliction, in which wanders relentlessy—trapped in a never-ending labyrinth. The corruption that overrides the sanity in a person's soul, consuming them completely.
Innocence that he lost long ago.
She nodded her head slowly, obliging to his words, not taking a moment to contemplate the reasoning behind his sudden interest in her. "Okay."
It was reckless.
These muffled sounds that escaped the partings of his lips. Or the driven movement of his hips that collided against hers—the momentum exceeding the tempo of his jagged breathing. All of this was too damn impetuous.
But God—oh God he needed this sort of release. He couldn't throttle the incessant clenching in his chest, or the hunger of his tainted urges. He needed to remind himself that he wasn't thinking about her. He demanded for endorsement that in the brisk of his twisted mind, he wasn't harboring the sight of his commanding officer's milky, polished face moaning his name while he plummeted inside of her. Damn, it would sound like rich, harmony to his ears.
His breaths became more desperate, more aggressive—the fabrication of Mikasa's naked, supple body envisioned in the midst of his thoughts, the low grunts escaping from his mouth. The rocking moment of his body slamming against the girl that he didn't dare minding to, as his temptation led him to a sin-filled illusion of the woman he really desired. He was going to reach his zenith soon. And it would be riveting to his corrupted being.
"M-M-Mikasa!" He panted heavily, her enticing name rolling of the tip of his tongue—his rugged voice reverberating in the disclosed, clamped room. "I-I-I'm going to cu—" He bit down on his bottom lip harshly, beads of sweat trickling down his vulgar, lust-filled face—his shaky hands reaching for his member as he separated himself from Petra's body.
Strands of white seeped out from the tip, his eyes lidded shut from the wave of ecstasy drowning him in a sea of pure bliss. The taste of her name lingered in his mouth, while he inclined his body over to support the heaviness of his head.
"L-Levi?"
He inwardly cursed to himself, forgetting the fact that he was moaning the Corporal's name in the presence of one of his comrades—not even regarding her company while he fucked her mercilessly. He felt like a shitty person. A person who was indulging in a fantasy that was sick and twisted in every way. The sound of his comrade clustering around and wiping her tears penetrated him deep within his core. He really was a revolting person.
He couldn't even look her straight in the eye.
"You love her... don't you?" Her soft-spoken voice reached the depths of his ears.
Levi cringed in response, his stomach knotting from the thought of being infatuated with his own captain. He couldn't. He wouldn't dare to consider such an immoral thought. Yet—
"I forgive you Levi," Petra locked gazes with him, her eyes misty from the collected, fresh tears that accumulated in the brim of her eyelids, "if you ever need to release your frustration—"
"Don't," Levi interrupted her, exhaling sharply in regret, his blue eyes probing hers, "make me feel more shitty than I already do." He inched downwards to pick up his jacket, his mouth forming into a thin line. "I shouldn't have done this with you."
It was blunt and harsh. But it was the truth in all aspects.
If this released her from her innocent delusion of wanting to be with him—he wouldn't hold back on hurting her feelings. Because she deserved the world from someone who could cherish her whole. A person with the ability to love, the trait in which he didn't have.
"I'm sorry." Was all he could muster out from her rejected expression, clicking his feet towards the doorway, without daring to glance back—his ears catching the sound of her pained cries behind the closed-door.
He had no heart to spare after all.
He really was a shitty person down to his core.
"Why did you call me in here?" Levi scowled, his eyes wandering over to the porcelain tea set, which was perfectly poised on the surface of his captain's cluttered desk.
Not only was the overly spacious desk a complete disaster with piles of paperwork, but the whole damn room was flustered with an abundance of dust. He grimaced at the filthy sight, jerking his head back towards the corporal in complete disgust.
"Tea?" She asked in a flat tone, raising the brim of the ivory cup towards the partings of her plump lips, her eyes wearing the same remoteness in them.
"I don't like tea."
Mikasa quirked an eyebrow, slowly gulping down the warm content in her mouth, before directing her attention back to him. "You should."
Levi knitted his eyebrows together, not processing what she was getting at with this conversation. "Why the hell should I?"
"Tea soothes your body—giving you moments to reflect on minor things that don't usually come to perspective," she lifted the cup back up to eye level, slowly swaying the motion of the liquid back and forth, "and it also tastes good."
The edges of his lips curled up without caution, his eyes observing the structures of her passive face. Her stormy, grey eyes implicated the smooth, supple skin in the regions of her cheeks and the slight crimson that tainted her lips— her sleek, onyx hair gently touching the edges of her jaw line. Just what was it about her that made him so drawn to this woman?
"Rivaille." She let out in a firm tone, her gaze tracing over him.
"What?"
"How's your team?"
Levi exhaled heavily, disinterest coursing in his pupils. "What do you want me to say?" He glanced towards the window behind her, lost in the midst of his thoughts. "They're too much of a burden."
Mikasa considered this thought for a moment, her mind tracing back towards her past. "They are," she replied softly, just barely above a murmur, "but you can't win a war alone."
"Then how about you join me?" His half-lidded eyes peeked up, his mouth curving upwards at the suggestion.
This ought of bring some sort of expression in her.
"Pass." She snorted in response, her eyes as vacant as ever.
Of course.
He rolled his eyes, crossing his legs together tightly. "You're a boring woman."
"I do try."
Levi inwardly smirked to himself, not fully understanding how he came to enjoy these dull conversations with her. Hell, it was like was talking to a wall, or a person without the ability to speak. Yet, it enthralled him to be conversing with her in a manner like this. As if there wasn't a raging war with the Titans going on outside these walls. He enjoyed her company in much countenance—despite his goal to become stronger than she was.
"You're smiling." She took note of his expression, arching her eyebrow in suspicion.
"I am," he replied, pressing his lips together tightly, his probing eyes searching hers for a protracted moment "what of it?"
Mikasa debated for a drawn-out moment, her eyes locking with his scrutinizing gaze. "It looks nice." She replied monotonously, her voice steadied at a leveled tone.
Damn.
She was breaking him—succumbing through the walls that took him long, spent years to build up. Her very existence imposing on his corrupted being, while slowly surfacing his veiled vulnerabilities, which were tightly secured inside the hollows of his chest. His greatest enemy in front of him. A unforseeable opponent that was tightly gripping his essence by a strand. He had to contemplate whether he was battling a war within himself or with the Titans.
He was slowly opening up to her. God forbid he was revealing this side of him that he tried to abandon long ago. He had to remind himself that these faint feelings between him and his commanding officer were trivial. Their sudden exchange of glances with no hints of emotions. Their dull, abridged conversations that wore no meaning. And the small hints of appraisal that would escape from her pink flushed lips every now and then. It was futile—worthless details with no significance to him.
Yet why.
Why was he in love with her...
"Levi I assume?" The woman adjusted the glasses on the bridge of her nose, lightly taking note of the injury on his leg that he had sustained a week ago during training.
Levi exhaled heavily, disinterest flickering in the depths of his eyes. "Seeing as the Corporal's not here, I'll take my leave."
"Sassy," the woman pulled out a notebook, using a pen to scribble down some nonsense that he could barely see from the distance, "and easily tempered."
Levi scowled at her, folding his arms over his chest. "Just who are you." He demanded between gritted teeth.
"Isn't it proper for the person who's asking for a name, to introduce themselves first?" She crooked her neck slightly, a grin spreading on her face.
"Who said I'm proper?" He edged, completely irritated by this woman in his presence. "Tell me who you are."
The woman sighed in defeat. "Hanji," she grinned again, her eyes gleaming with elation, "Squad Leader, Hanji Zoe. You're gonna be stuck with me all day." She let out a dark chuckle, sending chills down his spine.
"Like hell I am. Where's Corporal Ackerman?"
Hanji shifted towards her cluttered desk, lifting a piece of paper in her hand, gesturing for the boy to take it.
Levi just rolled his eyes, closing in the distance between them, reaching for the paper before being halted by the eccentric squad leader.
He sighed in an irritable, provoked manner, causing Hanji to stifle a laugh of amusement. "What do you say?"
Levi clenched his fists—biting down on his tongue, slowly mustering out the goddamn word that she wanted to hear."Please." He hissed through gritted teeth, extending his hand outwards.
"Much better." She hummed happily, obliging to his request.
Levi glanced down at the ink markings, slowly trailing his eyes over the words.
Rivaille.
Since you're injured, you have no choice but to stay behind. I'm in charge of your group today for the expedition. And don't make that face, that I know you're making. I'm not going to let anything happen to them. I promise.
Corporal Ackerman
"What the hell." He breathed out angrily, his eyes flickering with exasperation.
"Ah, I do remember them leaving early in the morning." Hanji lifted a finger to her chin, recalling the squads leaving headquarters promptly.
"Tch. Who the hell does she think she is." He growled from under his breath, crumpling the piece of paper in his fists. She really thought that by bringing him along, he would slow down his own squad. The nerve that goddamn woman has.
Hanji quickly discerned the younger soldier's expression, her eyebrow arching upwards in surprise. "Oh my." She responded silently to herself.
He was infatuated with his superior.
This ought to be fun.
Hanji grinned maliciously to herself, using her notebook to hide the smile of sadism, which, he almost took a glimpse of, if it had not been for her cat-like instinct. "Levi is it?" She stepped closer to him, taking in inquiry to his relationship with the captain. "How much do you know about Corporal Ackerman?"
Levi stiffened his body. Any sort of resentment that he was feeling earlier had evaporated from his body, leaving him in the midst of his thoughts. What did he know about Mikasa exactly? This sudden inquiry in the Corporal filled his head with flustering questions and possible theories. "Nothing." Levi replied in a firm voice. "Nothing at all."
Hanji folded her arms together and leaned against the wooden desk. "Then let me tell you." She cleared her throat briskly, before proceeding on with her explanation about the Corporal. "Mikasa... she was always a withdrawn person since the very moment I met the girl. Though, there was someone by her side who always managed to surface out her inner emotions."
"Someone?" Levi asked, curiosity striking his pupils.
"His name was Eren Jaeger."
Levi felt his heart throb harshly against his chest. He was actually feeling resentment towards somebody that he didn't even know, yet when he heard that there was a person who existed, or rather, a guy who could actually make Mikasa smile and bring out her inner emotions—his blood couldn't help but course violently within his veins.
"Someone very important to her," Hanji continued on, after much drawn-out silence, "though, one day during an expedition, her cables had gotten stuck within the trees and the 3DMG on her waist stopped working," she glanced down, her eyes wavering at the ominous memory, "Eren came back to pull her out and in one fleeting moment, the Titan crushed his body before her eyes."
Levi stood there in silence, rendered speechless, his eyes unveiling a mixture of affliction and guilt—recalling memories of his conversations with the captain.
Levi scoffed at her dreary reaction. "Though, I suppose a callous woman like you wouldn't understand the feeling of solitude." He urged on, hoping to strike some sort of emotion in her.
Her thin lips pursed together tightly. "Perhaps." She shrugged her shoulders, disappointing his expectation of witnessing a diverse change of expression.
"You're too dull heichou." He exhaled sluggishly, folding his arms over his chest. "Don't you ever care for anything else besides duty and regulation?"
"There's a limit to circumstances that I can care about," her eyes gleamed with an unveiled mixture of muddled emotions, "asking me if I can display any source of sympathy for trivial things is mistaken."
He had said those words without knowing what she had experienced in the past. He felt sick in the pit of his stomach, his rugged hands clenched in fists.
"H-How." Levi mustered out, his gaze landing on the squad leader with hate-filled eyes. "How can she act like nothing bothers her." He spoke between gritted teeth, slamming his fists against the surface of the desk.
Hanji exhaled sharply, sliding her attention towards the younger soldier in sorrow. "Because she has to be strong for everyone who's seen the cruelty in this world," Hanji gently placed her hand behind his back, the edges of her lips curving upwards, "she wants to be the symbol of survival in which people turn to when they've just about given up."
"Bullshit." Levi narrowed his half-lidded eyes, his lips pursed together in a thin line. "She doesn't need to be the only one to carry all of these burdens."
"Then who else will?"
Levi hesitated for a moment, the image of Mikasa's face surfacing in the corner of his twisted mind. "I will." He seethed, his eyes flashing with conviction. "I will become more stronger than she'll ever be, and I'll carry all of the burdens that she can't hold anymore."
That day, he remembered his heart-felt resolve, and the feeling surging in his chest when he spoke those very words. His declaration of becoming somebody worthy of being by her side. He was going to marry that woman. He had decided to carry all of the broken burdens that weighed on her chest for her.
Or so he thought.
"They're back!" One of the younger soldiers hollered, his booming voice reverberating throughout the whole building. Everyone all huddled up in groups, anxiously waiting for the squads to come in to their sight.
Levi on the other hand, was anxiously waiting for the Corporal to come back so he could give that damn woman a piece of his mind. She had the gall to leave him behind while she on the other note, had the pleasure of cutting down the Titans with his own squad. Tch.
He sighed bitterly, trudging his feet towards the entrance of headquarters, peeking his head up to see where all the soldier's were at.
"Did you hear?... about the Special Force Squad?..."
Levi immediately jerked his head towards the soldiers who were whispering, their eyes hinting with affliction. Something happened to his squad. He instinctively bolted from his spot, rushing through the crowd of soldiers, making his way towards the open entrance, his mind bottling with endless questions and anxiety. Nothing happened he kept telling himself. Nothing—
He stiffened his body, his eyes wandering back and forth between the soldiers returning from the walls. They're back. He sighed in relief, wiping the sweat that trickled down his forehead.
"Gunther!" Levi shouted from the distance, slowly making his way towards his squad.
Though, from close range, their faces were filled with such anguish, such torment, he had to stop in his stead to figure out the expressions on their faces.
"Hey—"
"I'm so sorry Levi." Petra broke down to tears, her body collapsing towards the ground—the sound of her shrieks echoing through the sky.
Levi knitted his eyebrows together in confusion, his eyes wandering over towards the rest of the soldiers who had grievance in the depths of their faces.
Reality struck him hard in the pit of his stomach.
"Where's the Corporal?" He asked, glancing back and forth, trying to depict where Mikasa was through the groups of soldiers.
They all stayed silent.
Levi stiffened his body, his eyes frantically scanning through the rows of soldiers again. "Where's the captain." He demanded, this time there was a hint of vehemence in the tone of his voice.
Gunther glanced down towards the floor, tears streaking down his face as he reached into the front pocket of his jacket.
Nausea pained his stomach—his body refusing to accept oxygen, his mind churning in complete turmoil. Levi's knees buckled, his eyes burning with torment and affliction—God it hurt so bad. His heart was clenching tightly in his chest, his body trembling at the sight of her tattered scarf, billowing in the current of the wind. The blood stains, the dejection in the soldier's faces—he couldn't grasp any of it. His mind wouldn't allow it.
She couldn't be.
There was no way.
He was going to marry that woman. He already decided. He—
Levi dropped to the ground forcibly, his eyelids brimming with hot, regret-filled tears. None of which would dare to come out. Because the moment they escaped his eyelids, that would imply that he had confirmed her death in his life. That would signify that he would never be able to convey how much he enjoyed, their sudden exchange of glances with no hints of emotions. Their dull, abridged conversations that wore no meaning. And the small hints of appraisal that would escape from her pink flushed lips every now and then. He had finally come to understand the ruined woman, and why she always wore that remoteness in her eyes. The reason she always stood up with a straight face, when the others were too afraid to take a step forward. She put everything in the line for the sake of others. He had come to love that part about her. And also came to hate it as well. Because that very reason was why she died. She was the only woman he had ever opened up to. The only person who got a glimpse of his most inner vulnerabilities—the only being that his heart ever accepted and lost at the same time. She was gone, along with the thread that weaved itself into his existence.
Levi stood in front of the gravestone, his mouth pressed into a thin line, his eyes trailing over the italics that was embedded on the depleted stone. "I love you." He mustered through gritted teeth, his eyes tormented by the sight of her name written across the stone.
Every year on this exact date, he never failed to show up to her grave—the same vague expression on his face, just like the very day that he lost her. Each visit, he would sit down and tell her all the things that he was never able to tell her. His past. His feelings. His memories. He would explain everything through tormented sobs, his fists always clenched tightly until drops of scarlet would fall. He would always end his visits with three words. Three words that ignited a fire in his chest—sending painful palpitations within his body, twisting the knots in his stomach. It hurt so bad. So much that it was like a nightmare that he couldn't wake up to.
"I-I-I love you." He slammed his fist against the ground, his eyes burning with such dejection, such affliction—he swore that this incessant, twisted pain would never leave the hollows of his chest. "I want to wake up," he breathed heavily, the hot tears streaming down his fatigued face,"I want to wake up Mikasa."
They say, people tend to overlook the variety of things that are of an importance in their lives, not realizing the value in which it encompasses. And the moment that they finally grasp the beauty of that worth— it diminishes in a fleeting moment. The refinement that it once wore—receding the edges into a worn out, depleted object in which can never be admired again.
Oh god... the feels. IM SO SORRY T_T
It cuts me deep writing this. I should have never ended it this way. I regret it now! God I'm so sorry Levi, I hurt your poor heart.
I hope you guys read the message of this story. Always say the things you want to say to the people you love, or one day you'll never be able to express your feelings. I hope you guys liked my quote at the beginning and at the end. Now it makes all sense right? I don't even know how I came to write that quote, it just happened when I was listening to some sad instrumentals.
Anyways, thank you so much for reading all my drabbles for RivaMika week! I had a blast on writing all these stories!
I LOVE YOU GUYS.
:)
