Chapter Nine
The nurse pulled the probe out of Rikku's mouth and smiled. "Alright." She jotted down her internal temperature and dipped the probe into the sanitizer machine and wheeled it away with a nudge from her foot. "This all looks great; do the two of you have any questions before Dr. Raymond gets in?" Rikku shook her head no. The nurse turned to the other woman sitting in the corner of the room. From her posture she could tell that she never intended to be here, her face was set, and she had said nothing since the vitals examination started. The short blonde woman sitting on the edge of the exam bed would glance over at her every now and then, uncertainty in her Al Bhed eyes. They acted as if they were here for something much more brutal than a simple fertility consultation. Sterile or not this couple clearly should not be having kids. They couldn't even get along! Everyone had the right though, even queers. The nurse smiled sweetly though as she left the room.
The door finally closed, and they were alone for the first time since stepping foot in the St. Baaj Women's Center
Rikku looked at her hand, more importantly her wedding ring. She glanced at Paine, who was leaning back in her chair as if she gave zero fucks about what was said at all. She knew it was a defense mechanism, but years of using it had made her stare ice. Still, Rikku felt like she needed to explain herself. The blonde shifted and the sound over her paper one size fits all chastity skirt rubbed against the parchment like lining of the exam bed. "I know you're mad I didn't tell you—"
"Didn't tell me what?" Paine bit.
"You must be confused." She shook her head harshly at what Paine's unsaid words accused her of.
Paine sat up a little in her chair. "I don't know that I am." She had been holding back saying anything to Rikku, mostly because her mind was running in circles at the reason for the secret visit, and a little bit of her was scared shitless about what this meant. "Have you been fucking someone?" Classic, but really it was all she could think of that would make any kind of sense. Rikku had never been unfaithful, but her wife was friendly, maybe she finally met someone at work or at the bars that returned that banter…
Rikku narrowed her eyes at Paine. "Yna oui uid uv ouin seht! Ruf tyna oui ajah ycg sa dryd?"
"Well you'd have to excuse me for a fucking second because the last time I fucking checked I couldn't get you pregnant so why the fuck else would you lie about coming to a Women's clinic!?" She jabbed a finger at herself too upset to control her tone. "And need to hide it from me!"
"I'm not fucking anyone Paine!" Rikku felt like throwing something at her. "I'm not pregnant either—"
"Oh well praise be to fucking Yevon."
Rikku growled a little. "Oui fanah'd cibbucat du veht uid!"
Paine lunged her body forward in her chair. "What the fuck was so important that you had to lie!" The room was quiet a minute as Rikku said nothing and looked away, she didn't want Paine to see her eyes well a little. Paine sat back in her chair seething. "You come to my job and fuck me knowing this shit Ri?" She took Rikku's silence as admittance. This was it? They finally make it through all this bullshit and Rikku cheated on her. If she's not pregnant than what was so important? What did she need to hide from her? All she could say was that she wasn't supposed to find out. What exactly did that mean? Was this a surprise? Were her friends and Keira gonna jump out from behind that old medical equipment in the corner and congratulate her on what? An early birthday? That didn't seem likely at all, and the fact that Rikku had turned away had to mean something bad. Paine suddenly became extremely anxious. She shifted in her seat and could feel her cheek flush and palms get sweaty. "Say something!"
"I might be sterile!" Rikku yelled back.
Paine froze.
"What?"
"I might be sterile, Paine." Rikku finally turned and looked at her now that the tears were under control. The room was quiet for a full minute as Rikku tried to read the new look on her wife's face. "…And yes I lied to you; but do you really want to talk about having kids right now?" Her stare was challenging even though she already knew the answer. "Or at all." She ventured when she noticed nothing about her demeanor had changed.
Sterile? She had heard "might" but she needed to be sure. Paine's tone had quieted down now as she spoke. "You…can't have kids?"
Rikku exhaled heavily. "I don't know." She watched as Paine ran a hand through her hair.
"You still should have told me." She looked around the room, Rikku silently wondered if she were looking for a window to jump out of with the haste in her action. Paine was just realizing that somehow the air had been cut off and it was getting hotter in the room.
"How? When you accuse me of cheating?" She shook her head. "That you could even think that…" She knew it was out of defense, but that didn't mean it hurt an ounce less.
Paine flung a hand to the front door. "They're handing out fucking buy one get one free abortions out there, what do you want me to think if you don't tell me anything?" She was starting to get a headache. "You came here alone to learn this shit?" She ran another hand through her hair. Okay so was she supposed to be mad that Rikku lied? Or mad that she didn't think she could handle talking to her about this? Should she be mad at all? Paine didn't know anything anymore. Rikku came here alone…that's all she could think about now. "Yuna?"
Rikku nodded signaling that the brunette knew she was here. "I told her not to come."
"Lulu?"
Rikku shook her head no.
"Me?" Paine motioned to herself. You could hear the hurt in her voice now.
"I didn't want to scare you." She sniffled. "I'm sorry."
Paine sat back in her chair now. Something told her to let it go, something very strong in her gut said that she need not try and make Rikku feel even worse for lying. She would have carried on knowing this until when though? Paine thought it was common knowledge that Rikku would initiate the baby having conversation and Paine would follow. If she were sterile would Rikku just not have said anything? "Okay." She said simply.
Rikku looked back at her, doubt evident in her features. Just like that? Paine was about ready to hulk out and flip the char she was sitting in a minute ago, now she was forgiving her? "What?"
Paine sighed as she leaned her elbows on her knees and took a minute to get her thoughts together. "I can leave if you want me to…but I wanna y'know…" She motioned to the room. "I wanna stay." Their eyes met, and for the first time all evening Rikku recognized her wife.
"I…I didn't know how to bring it up…"
"I wouldn't know how to either." They weren't even having sex at the time! Her grandmother had just died! Paine hesitated before asking something else that had been on her mind. "Why do you think you might be…sterile?" Her wife was a very nurturing woman; the idea of her being sterile just didn't make sense.
"Pops was saying something that…" She shook her head at herself. "And now when I say it out loud I feel stupid."
Paine shook her head. "What did he say?" Before Rikku could open her mouth the door knocked and then opened revealing a simple looking woman in glasses and a white coat, she smiled at the two and struck out her hand for Rikku as Paine stood. "Rikku I presume, it's nice to meet you. I'm Irene Raymond."
"Hello." Rikku shook her hand and motioned to Paine who was now standing at her side. "This is my wife, Paine." It was her first time introducing Paine to someone they didn't know as her wife.
"Paine." Dr. Raymond seemed to be trying the name out in a polite way as if to commit it to memory. "Pleased to meet you."
Paine nodded at the greeting. "Hi." Dr. Raymond was what you called average. She wasn't pale nor tan, gorgeous nor ugly, her hair was even a neutral brown, but her smile was warming, trusting. Paine imagined she did well in this field.
"So I know you two probably have a lot of questions for me, all of which I intend on answering with a few tests." She looked to Rikku. "You want to have children?"
Rikku glanced at Paine. "Eventually."
Dr. Raymond nodded and looked to Paine. "And you?"
Paine grew confused. "Isn't how this thing works?"
Irene smiled. "Well of course you would be a parent, but I am referring to in the medical sense, mothering a child. Most women same sex couples I see want everyone to be checked to see who is healthier to carry to term."
"Oh." Paine had never once thought of that. She was a woman after all, what was stopping her from doing it if Rikku couldn't? Right? She looked at Rikku a little unsure how to answer.
"Sorry." Dr. Raymond stopped her. "I didn't mean to put you on the spot."
"No I just never thought…I mean if Rikks can't…"Paine shrugged. Rikku grabbed her hand to stop her from the word vomit she knew came when Paine was confused and unsure. Paine looked down at her in thanks before looking at the doctor. "We/re here for Rikku."
Irene smiled at the action and then looked at Rikku. "Okay, Rikku let's get you up on this table and begin your regular yearly pelvic exam, and then we'll take a look at your ovaries and uterus more closely. Run some other tests, and then get a blood sample just for our records."
Rikku nodded. "Okay."
Paine sat back down in her seat and tried to feel as comfortable as she could with some other woman spreading her wife's legs and using tools to look around. After the exam Dr. Raymond left the room a brief moment for Rikku to change into her pants again and to see if she could get everything expedited so they could leave with some sort of idea of their options.
Rikku was pulling her pants back on that Paine had just handed her. "You okay?" The taller of the two asked. She had noticed how Rikku had closed her eyes during the exam as if embarrassed. They had always went together to get their yearly exams, but never in the same room.
The blonde looked over at her. "Just nervous." She admitted. The air between them still felt a little tense, but it was clear Paine was just trying to process now.
Process was correct, she had been thinking all through the exam. There was a lot to think about that Paine just hadn't…well she just hadn't thought about thinking about. "Don't be." She was already standing not far from handing Rikku her jeans so it made the small touch to her back seamless.
Paine's hand on the small of her back eased Rikku's mind just a little. She didn't know what worries she'd fill the room with if Paine weren't here; her guilt returned. "I wanted to tell you myself." She looked at her as she finished the last button on her designer jeans. "You can be upset, you have a right to…it's just that in my head Pypo? In my head I was going to be the one to tell you."
"I'm not mad…I'm just..." She paused. She was a little hurt, but it would pass. "How long have you thought something might be wrong?"
"About a week ago."
Paine nodded, that hadn't been too long unless Rikku had lied about that too. She hated thinking like this and needed to stop before it became habit. Honesty was something that was high on both their lists of things to value in a relationship. Rikku hadn't told her because she wanted to know first, she had to take that as it was, but why? Why couldn't they find out together? Did her wife see her as someone who couldn't handle things like this? Paine exhaled heavily at her spiraling train a thought.
You don't know what you're doing.
She needed to just talk to her instead of guessing. "When would you have said something?"
Rikku lifted one shoulder and dropped it. "I hadn't thought that far."
"You have to give me something."
"I'm giving you what I have right now okay?"
Paine looked away for a second trying to find the words she needed. She was never good at words, saying what she felt, not ever. Then Rikku happened, but for the first time in a little while she was at a loss. "Does this mean you want babies now?" She hadn't looked at Rikku, but the chair she had been sitting on was an interesting color, what was that? Magenta?
Rikku hesitated before touching her wife's arm for Paine to look back at her. "I didn't tell you because I'm not ready, and I know you're not. I just….I needed to know for me." She paused "I guess knyhtsy being gone and all was making me think about families, and how I would want one with you." She shied up at the end of that when she looked at Paine. "I just turned twenty five.. I didn't want to be thirty not knowing, I didn't want to go another day not knowing. I'm sorry." She apologized again.
"Stop babe." Paine whispered as she extended her arm to wrap around Rikku. The blonde turned in to her and rested her forehead up against her collar bone and exhaled so heavily that it made Paine feel her body fight to relax. She put her other arm around her and just held her without saying anything. She could only imagine how Rikku was feeling. The young woman couldn't even handle waiting to eat her own birthday cake; this wait was most likely killing her. Not being able to do something that she knew would make her happy. Paine saw it when she was with Vidina. This would just be another blow that Rikku didn't need. They didn't need this right now. At that moment the door to the little examination room knocked and then opened. Dr. Raymond had opted to leave her white coat off this time, another tactic to make the patient seem at ease Paine realized. Irene must have sensed the tension in the room earlier.
Paine braced herself for whatever she was about to say by crossing her arms loosely and standing beside Rikku, who had taken a seat on the parchment exam table.
"Okay. I have some good news, and some bad news." She looked at the conflicted faces of the couple before her. "The good news, Rikku, is that you're not sterile." She didn't get the jumping around and smiles like she usually got when that news was delivered, this couple was an interesting pair indeed. "The bad news is that pregnancy though possible, is limited."
"Limited." Paine didn't like that word. "Limited how?"
"Your chances of actually getting pregnant are…unknown."
"But I'm not sterile…"
"Correct."
"You're going to need to explain that one to me." Paine said.
"Pypo." Rikku whispered quietly. She knew Paine was getting a little worked up.
Dr. Raymond opened Rikku's file that she had been holding. "Rikku you have very…sensitive eggs. At least from the tests that we have taken here today. From my experience though this seems to be the case more often than not. You see mechanically everything seems to be in fine working order, which allows me to conclude that you can in fact get pregnant. It's just that since this most likely will be done via artificial insemination we have no way of knowing if that method would take… if the eggs would respond to this course of impregnation."
Paine shifted. So what the doctor had basically meant was that Paine couldn't get her pregnant at all. She didn't have a penis to do it the natural way. The way Rikku's body would respond, and she probably couldn't even do it the turkey baster way. Paine didn't know why she suddenly felt inadequate, but it was surely there, settling with the lunch she had after picking Mackenzie up that afternoon.
Rikku sat with that for a moment. "Is there a way to test this?"
Dr. Raymond seemed to break from her medical monotone. "Actually, there is. We in this line of work call it baby placebo; I wanted to share some of our findings with this method. It looks to be your best option before investing the time and money into artificial insemination."
Rikku nodded and then glanced at Paine. "What is it?" Paine spoke up.
Dr. Raymond nodded. "It is exactly the same as artificial insemination except the semen is artificial as well. In your case Rikku we would test your body's response, egg activity, and hormone secretion days later, and then we use an algorithm to create a success rate…essentially."
They both left the clinic with a thick informational folder and splitting headaches. It had to be nearly nine at night, and the winter wind nipped through their layers and made their chests tight.
"I parked over there." Paine said motioning to the other side of the still full parking lot.
Rikku nodded and pointed in the other direction. "I'm over there." She hesitated as she adjusted her long red scarf about her neck "I'll see you at home?"
"Yeah."
"Okay."
Rikku made it home first and decided a shower was in order to clear her head. She had just had a lot of information thrown at her that she didn't have the time to digest it right then and there. The car drive did nothing, not like it usually did and she was running out of ideas. Sensitive eggs? What did that even mean? Rikku wondered this as she turned the hot water on and let it steam up the small tiled room before beginning to take off her clothes.
She wasn't sterile but her eggs were moody….overly selective…picky
She had picky eggs.
After staring at the area right before her small fuzz of pubic hair Rikku stepped under the warm water and replayed the argument with Paine, that was the most animated she had seen her wife in an argument in a while. This had really hit home, she hadn't trusted her…but was she wrong? Was Rikku wrong really? She knew her wife well enough to know that this was not in her plan. Her plan was day to day, it was what therapy taught her to master. Still, she really should have known that anything having to do with her family put Paine in a different place, she was protective to a fault, and to learn of Rikku's betrayal was probably like learning someone was planning mutiny when all you ever did was care. She sighed heavily and let the warm water run over her tanned skin. She wanted to wash away today, do it over, tell Paine, maybe even take a multi vitamin, anything, she'd do anything different.
Not long after getting in Rikku heard the front door being keyed into then opened over the loud showerhead. The dropping of keys on the table and then a knock was at the bathroom door. "Come in."
Paine popped her head inside. ""I'm home."
She knew Rikku was wondering if she would come straight home, and for a while there Paine had considered doing just the opposite, but in the end she found herself parking, checking the mail, and coming up to their apartment. She was tired too.
Rikku looked from behind the curtain. "I'm glad."
Paine nodded once and then pulled the door back in and decided she would cook something. Her stomach still wasn't over that weird lop-sided thing it was doing, but she knew Rikku was hungry, and what else would she do with herself? She wanted to talk more with Rikku…. But about what? Paine still didn't know.
Paine found herself thinking of Gippal as she set up a pot of water to boil. He always cooked when he was stressed, or sad, or happy…he always cooked to combat an extreme emotion, to balance himself. Thank Yevon he was good at it.
Paine was just going to make spaghetti.
Rikku took her time lathering up her body in one of her new lotions Paine had gotten her. Her leg was stretched out on the sink and she looked at her reflection in the foggy mirror after her long shower. Was she supposed to be relieved? She wasn't sterile just as her mother wasn't…but she was her mother indeed, minus the man, the husband. Why did it all of a sudden seem unfair, but make complete sense. After rubbing as much of the expensive lotion in as possible Rikku tied her hair up and ignored the soft tassels that fell out and framed her face, She changed into some eggshell yellow cloth shorts and a white tank top. The moment she stepped out of the bathroom the honeysuckle in the lotion was lost to the tomato and starch scent in the air, her mouth watered a little.
Paine looked up from the small pot of tomato sauce she was doctoring. "Are you hungry?" When she got a nod in response she motioned to the small glass dining table and quickly gathered two forks. She was a little proud that she was able to handle something so simple as to knowing Rikku would eat.
After piling on a little more food into Rikku's bowl than in her own Paine walked over and set the small brown bowl in front of her wife before sitting across from her.
"Thank you."
"Yeah." Paine welcomed before taking a little forkful of noodles and blowing on it.
Some time passed where they just ate in silence. It was a good silence though, they both could feel it. Someone had to say something though, they couldn't stay quiet the rest of their lives. Rikku took the opportunity when Paine paused from eating to sip a bit of her iced tea that she had set out for them.
"Paine, I never meant to hurt your feelings."
The fighter swallowed the slightly bitter slightly minty tea and rested her glass back down. She knew Rikku was sorry, she had known it the moment Rikku turned to find her sitting beside her at the clinic. "I know…"
"I love you."
"You should never question if I feel the same."
Rikku knew this. "I don't. Do you?"
Paine shook her head no and then reached her right hand across the table to lay still over Rikku's left hand almost shyly.
Rikku visibly relaxed. Sure their love was never called into question, but at the same time it was their own little way of making up. Why hold things in when you loved someone so much?
"I have moody eggs…."
Paine bit back a chuckle at the look Rikku made to accompany that statement, their hands still touching. "I can…get mine looked at…"
Rikku sighed heavily and upturned her hands so they could lace fingers together. She smiled softly at her wife. "In all my years of knowing you you've never once mentioned wanting to be pregnant. Don't start now just because of me."
Paine looked away for a moment. "Well no…" She had just tried to avoid baby talk in general while they were dating. "But who really talks about that kind of stuff?"
"I did." Rikku smiled. "Bayla Bayla baby." She reminded.
Bayla Bayla was the name they had drunkenly given their future first born a few months into dating, male or female, the name would fit. Paine smiled lovingly back and rubbed the pad of her thumb across her knuckles but was stopped by her wedding ring. "I think it's too early to be talking in past tense."
She sighed. "I'm just…bummed." She took her hand back to fork up some spaghetti. "I'm a nice person and I pay Common taxes even though I'm a National and…and I say please and thank you and something's always wrong Paine."
"Nothing's wrong."
"Were you not in there?"
"You're just being yourself."
"Picky?"
Paine nodded. "What do you always say when you drag me shopping?"
Rikku rolled her eyes. "This isn't my clothing choice; this is me, my body. How I was born."
Paine sighed when she realized she was on her way to a mini fight. To defuse that from happening she maintained her calm tone. "You're not sterile, okay? You're perfect. We have options." She added when she remembered the baby placebo thing. "Do something for me?"
Rikku looked hesitant. "What?"
"We don't even have percentages yet, you can have slightly less picker eggs than the next bitch. Doctors work like lawyers—
"Illegally?"
"No, they go by past cases, they draw back on things they have seen before to try and explain similar things, but no one is ever the same Rikks. If we take this test tomorrow and it turns out you have a 51 percent chance of getting pregnant then you would have wasted all your day today worrying for nothing."
"Fifty one percent?" She looked doubtful.
Paine waved a dismissive hand in the air. "Whatever, some number that's more optimistic than zero….you would have worried for what?" She took a moment to get her point across when she realized she had the blonde's attention. "It's not impossible, that's what you wanted to know right?" Her wife nodded getting her point that though the news wasn't exactly what she wanted to hear, it was better than what she was expecting to hear.
Later that night Paine tried to focus on the five hour Judo documentary she rented a week ago and not the woman curled up beside her sketching what looked to be some sort of cartoon egg, equipped with a spear like cane and thick rimmed glasses, high heels and bangles. She had finished the egg a few minutes ago, and was now focusing her energy on another one; this one looked exactly the same, though it seemed to be clutching a box of tissue. If she didn't know why her wife were drawing eggs she would have chuckled, the cartoons were good enough to be in the paper, but she did know what was causing her this need to draw. It always happened when she was anxious, like on the plane to Home to send her grandmother, or like when Paine came home from their huge fight, she had been drawing then too.
Paine paused the documentary; stilling a fighter in his bow after a battle. "Ri."
"Yeah?" She hadn't looked up from the sketch pad.
"Your mom had two kids, two. You guys are healthy and—"
"Brother is depressed that all the women he ever loved leave, and I'm well…all of the above." She finally looked over at Paine. "She wasn't gay either."
Paine sat with hat for a moment. "Well…we don't know that."
"What?" A little smile played at Rikku's lips.
Paine stood from the couch. "She could have been….lots of people get married and then realize they weren't who they thought they were…"
She had her full attention now. "You say that like you have a lot of experience."
Paine shrugged as she went over to the front door and grabbed her shoes. "Well I'm more responsible…more boring." She sat down to put them on.
"More happy."
"Happy wife, happy life."
Rikku chuckled softly and then sighed. She knew what Paine was dong and it was working, It always worked, yet still in the back of her head something snagged, something would not let her mind be free. She rested her head back against the couch and looked at the ceiling. "You think my ma was gay Pypo?" She'd humor her wife if only for the moment.
Paine shrugged as she finished tying her shoes. She got up and grabbed Rikku's sneakers before sitting down and putting them in front of her on the ground. "Well she had you didn't she?"
"What does that even mean?"
Paine laughed a little and leaned back on the couch so she was looking at Rikku's face. "Well since we're following heredity so closely tonight then…why not."
Rikku squinted at her from the weird angle. "Where are you going? It's late."
Paine glanced at the answering machine for the time. It was 12am, but it was only late because they had work tomorrow. "I wanna get ice cream, come with me."
Rikku finally sat upright. "Ice cream? It's less than twenty degrees outside."
Paine looked stumped for a minute before her face lit up with an idea. "Let's go get pie at Eveready." Rikku was a sucker for warm pie; hell so was she, that's how she knew it would work. They were tired, but they were restless.
Rikku looked to be deciding, but with every centimeter that Paine's eyebrow rose to persuade her she found herself convinced, that is until she looked down at the shoes her wife placed before her. "Not in those!"
Paine looked down to see Rikku's sneakers. "What's wrong with them?"
"Pypo those are my jogging shoes."
"You don't jog."
"I think about jogging."
This was news to Paine. "Really?"
"Yes, actually I do." Rikku folded her arms.
"When?"
"In the morning."
Paine just smiled, got up and grabbed the sneakers. "Flats?" She asked as she headed into their room.
Rikku smiled. "I just can't walk in snow."
"I'll just carry you!" Paine called from in the other room.
Rikku laughed a little and sighed when she picked up her sketch pad and looked at the moody eggs. She sent Yuna a text after her spaghetti dinner and would soon need to talk to her father. If it was in fact the same thing as her mother he'd know most about it. She groaned at the thought of that conversation, one because in some way it had to do with sex, and another it had to do with her mother, which was something she knew he didn't talk about a lot, and after walking in on him and Leblanc that one time she didn't want to talk about sex either.
##
Earlier that Day
They stared each other down.
Half the building had heard them yelling in Al Bhed, Common, and any other langue that seemed to formed from the roots of anger and plead. The once organized office was chaos, papers, books, small sitting chairs. Jenkins remained only because a homicide was looking more likely as the two brothers in law fought. The natural lawyer in him heard valid points from each, it was a tough case, but at the end of the day one word, or name rather had halted the noise.
"Yuna." Cid asserted.
Braska very quickly learned where his weakest point in his defense was. He swallowed hard and quickly wiped the blood from his lip. "Don't." He warned. Jenkins looked between the two of them with worry.
Cid; now red in the face and missing his creamed suit jacket huffed. "You go ahead and tell me that you would be okay with me holding this from you if it were Yuna." Cid had the most intense pulsing headache from yelling, but damnit this was not going to happen again. "Oui drehg ypuid ed!" The room stilled.
Braska had always thought about it, he had always put Yuna there, felt Cid's fear for his daughter, this was not what had stilled him into silence. No, it was the look Cid was giving him, that look that cursed him for putting this all on himself. He was Rikku's father, he was just as much a part of this if not more so than Braska. The only reason Cid hadn't gotten the appeal notice four years ago was because he was out on lunch, and now the relationship he had worked so hard at repairing for this very thing would soon be ripped open again. He saw going to be the bad guy, again. That was something Cid couldn't do right now.
"Senya thought so highly of the choices you made." Cid spoke bitterly as he picked up his rumpled suit jacket and shook it out. "I didn't like you much then, but she was my little sister, my family, and I trusted her." He paused. "Like I trusted you."
Braska let him leave, not because he wanted him to, but because he hadn't said her name since Tahla passed, and because twenty five years still didn't take the sting from the corners of his eyes when he heard it.
##
They sat in their usual booth, tucked away near the back of the fast paced college diner. Although they were no longer students, and the familiar wait staff soon became unfamiliar Rikku and Paine loved to come here and talk. The food was good, cheap, and oddly comforting seeing as how neither grew up eating the things that Everready served. It reminded them of their earlier days of uncertainty, stolen looks and banana nut pancakes for Rikku and everything in omelets for Paine.
Eveready had a winter deal that dated back to when Paine first started at NLU. A warm slice of pie of your choice and a select hot beverage. It was the first meal she had here, partly because it was only 2.99 and she was a dirt poor college student riding on the skirt of a scholarship. Now she ate here with her wife, and the feeling of remembering that lonely meal a few years back made this one all the special.
It was then that she remembered she had only been married for a month and few days. It really did seem at times like they could never catch a break. Her warm mood was replaced with worry when she thought about all the potential happy moments that would soon be clouded by difficulties. She looked to her decaf coffee cup; the rim stained with coffee from years of use, the handle had the slightest chip in it.
"So wha do you wanna do?" Paine asked. "You wanna take this thing?" Paine furrowed her brows at Rikku's smile that was forming. "What?"
Rikku continued to smile. "You're really tired."
Paine shook her head no.
"Yes, because you get your little accent when you're tired, either that or you get mushy." Sometimes you could hardly tell that Paine was a local girl who grew up in a bad part of town until she slipped and said something like "wanna" in the way she just had.
"Yeah well you sound Al Bhed all the time." She deadpanned.
"I was born and raised there."
"I always wondered why you had a thicker accent than Yuna." You could tell the paler cousin was Al Bhed when she spoke the actual language, her ability to pronounce words even Paine couldn't get was truth to that, but she spoke very clean Common. Her wife jumbled words sometimes and even just forgot them all together. Even still after so many years of living here, it was adorable though. The other day she brought Paine a mitten and asked "Fryd ec ed ykyeh pypo?"
"Yunie lived in Besaid while I was real little, she only came over to live during the summers after Sus died. You know all this."
"How does it feel though to be married to a stuck-up Bevellian? Or a rude New Lucan?"
"How does it feel to be married to a heathen?"
Paine sat back and nodded. "Not too bad."
Rikku chuckled. "You're more Al Bhed than me, Pypo." They shared a small laugh at the mild truth behind it. Paine was only Bevellian because of Paul and Keira, she was a real sand blasted grease monkey at heart. They smiled, and then that too died.
Paine examined her cup again then looked at Rikku. "Seriously though….you wanna try to see…?" She didn't want Rikku to not have the answers she wanted, and the blonde's unusual quiet meant that that was exactly the case.
The young architect hesitated. "I don't know." She shared softly. Paine nodded for her to go on. "I mean yes, someday…but I…I'm nervous of what it will do to me, to you, I don't want you to feel like you are somehow flawed because of me not being able to…respond." She made a face. "I don't wanna feel hollow."
"Baby but you're not sterile…we just have to be…creative."
Rikku raised a brow and bit back her laugh. "Creative?"
"Yeah." Paine nodded. "I mean…aside from fucking some guy who looks like me I think you have options."
"We."
"We."
"I know I keep saying sorry but…I'm am sorry Pypo, there always should have been a we, I was only thinking about me and how I would feel or do things that I forgot how much this would affect you too…I mean I thought of you, but I…I think I was just scared you'd think I was pushing babies on you or…I don't know what I thought, but I am sorry."
"Rikks I think the first time we ever hung out you told me how important it was that you future kids know Al Bhed…I've always known you wanted babies."
"Sometimes I wonder if you do." Paine said nothing. "Then I see you with Viddy and then I realize I don't care what you want, you'd be the best mommy ever."
"Let's not get ahead of ourselves." Paine warned with a smile.
"You're right…but later…in three years maybe?"
"Five."
"Four."
"Four and a half."
"Two."
"Two!?" Paine watched her grin and shook her head. "Fuck that."
"Three, take it or leave it."
"Where exactly do you want me to leave this thing?"
Rikku bit her lip. "Fine, in four years we'll revisit this." Paine smiled and made a show of wiping the pretend sweat off her forehead. It made Rikku laugh and consider what Paine said earlier. "In the meantime I guess we should start reading that folder."
Paine nodded quickly returning to the seriousness at hand. "You think this is something you wanna do?"
Rikku nodded and stabbed a piece of her pie. "Who knows, my eggs might be slightly less picky." She paused. "I guess I can talk to Pop too…but you know he's going to want to talk to you."
"Talk to me?"
"Y'know like he did before we got married?"
Paine made a face. "I don't know what you think you remember from the reception dinner but that was not a talk Rikks."
Rikku waved her hand in the air. "Same difference."
Paine groaned. Cid's talks had gotten more…colorful over the years if that was even possible. Female condoms were the least of her worries these days.
##
Paine lay awake that night alone though.
It wasn't that she didn't want to sleep, she would give anything to curl up behind Rikku and smell the faint smell of spring in her hair as she drifted off like she would any other night.
She would pay for that feeling only because the one it was replaced with was unnerving.
Paine sat up gently as not to wake the woman beside her as she got out of bed. Rikku must have sensed her absence because she blindly grabbed at the still warm area where Paine had once lain. Her blonde hair spilled out over the sheets as she turned her head and fell still again. Paine stood there a moment not really knowing what to do with her restless limbs now that she was standing. A glance at the clock told her it was 3:37 in the morning. With a hand through her hair Paine pulled a pair of jeans on and a black judo camp hoody and was about to leave the bedroom when Rikku's cell phone began to buzz on the nightstand. Paine paused and glanced at Rikku before walking over and looking at it.
POPS BAYLA
Paine picked up. "Hello?" She whispered but found the line was dead. She pulled the phone away from her ear and furrowed her brows. She waited a moment for something to happen, when nothing did she placed the phone back down on the nightstand and was about to leave the room a second time when something stopped her.
Rikku's sleepy voice.
"Pai?"
Paine froze as if she had just been caught stealing something. "Yeah?"
Rikku rolled over onto her side and pushed the thick vale of blonde hair out of her face. "It's too early for the gym." She murmured.
"I was just gonna go for a walk…"
"Was wrong?" Rikku rubbed at her face.
Should she tell her? Did she get one free pass at lying since Rikku had today? Was that how it worked? Knowing that that was being spiteful Paine went to sit on the edge of the bed and looked down at Rikku; half-awake and clearly concerned. She never ran, yes sometimes she just never said anything, but Rikku never left at odd hours of the night because she couldn't sleep, and if she had needed to, she would have definitely told Paine. "I can't sleep."
Rikku tilted her head slightly. "Do you want tea?"
She shook her head no once. "No babe."
"Was wrong?" She asked a second time.
Paine looked about their room. "I don't know…" It was the truth, she had no fucking clue why this was back, this restlessness. Her short tour around the room brought her back to looking at her wife. "Go back to sleep."
Rikku nodded and rested her cheek on the pillow. "Come back to bed."
Paine stood. "Just once around the block."
Giving up at it, Rikku just closed her eyes.
The fighter got up and grabbed her keys before making her one round about the block as promised before coming back to their warm apartment. After making sure she wasn't too cold to the touch by warming her legs by the thermostat Pane stripped out of her clothes and got into bed behind a sleeping Rikku. The walk seemed to have helped some for she soon found rest but the next morning as she gelled her hair in the steamy mirror while Rikku showered she felt something begin to nag at the back of her head and the tips of her shoulders. Something was off, something had shifted. She didn't know what but the entire day was spent on high alert. It was almost as if fight or flight was gearing up to kick in, and even the slightest changes in her schedule slowed her down.
Toward the end of the work day Paine decided to call Gippal to fill him on what had happened yesterday, in therapy she learned that taking about things that have changed usually helped her anxiety about it. Paine didn't know if the baby talk was what was making her anxious, but it was worth a shot.
Not being much of long drawn out phone conversations Paine cut to the chase as soon as he picked up.
"Rikks want's kids in four years."
The line was quiet a moment. "If this is your way of askin' me to jizz in a cup for you guys I'd be happy to do it."
Paine made a face. The idea of semen, especially Gippal's in Rikku made her feel a little sick. "Yeah not you."
He laughed as if he expected the answer. "Ah your loss."
"She went to some clinic yesterday without me."
"So?"
"I mean like I'm kinda part of the equation too." Paine glanced at the time and began shutting down her computer. She had no more clients today and had promised Mackenzie earlier in the week that she would bring her to Judo training yesterday and today. "She's not sterile…"
"No Al Bhed is."
"Highly doubt that, but she thought she was, and she didn't say anything."
"Aye Dr. P, what the fuck huh? You sounin' like a girl right now."
Paine shrugged. "Well.."
"Maybe she didn't want you to know just yet? I mean you obviously forgave her, sometimes women need space and shit."
She remembered early that morning when she didn't want to come back to bed, or cuddle, she had needed space that Rikku easily gave. Something was truly wrong with her when Gippal of all people started to make sense of women of all things. Paine grabbed a few client files and shoved them into her desk before locking it up and reaching for her empty thermos. Rikku made her take tea into work that morning instead of coffee. "You home? I'm gonna come pick up Big Mack."
Gippal surveyed his surroundings. "No."
They were silent a minute before Paine shrugged. "Alright I'll see you later."
Gippal nodded and then turned so he couldn't be heard away from the other two men in the room. "Yeah, kiss and make up and all that." Paine had chuckled but Gippal remained silent. Finally he was met with the dial tone signaling that Paine had hung up. Prior to the interruption Gippal had been sitting there wondering just how far this would go, how far he would let it, and then Paine called, and he had heard her worry over something so minor when there were bigger things to think about, that's when he knew it wouldn't go any further. Paine was his best friend, at times his only friend; he wasn't going to keep this from her. He turned back to Cid and Braska, both men wearing similar tailored suits and similar expressions; they must have felt it too. He tossed his cell phone onto Braka's desk and looked over at Cid. "You got another thing comin' if you expect me to keep this from her as soon as I leave this place."
The brothers in-law exchanged looks before Braska sat at his desk chair and handed a thick manila folder to Cid who sighed and took it from him. "Trent I didn't want to have to do this…." He opened the file where a young Gippal stared up at him with blood shot eyes and a shaved head. "I pulled up something I let slip." He had been Gippal's lawyer for years ever since his file graced Leblanc's desk as a social worker. She had begged him to take the kid on, and Cid had been stumbling over ways to empress his colleague for weeks now. Surely taking this kid would do it, and inadvertently it had, but what it had also done was yanked his world and his daughter's world into this chaos, and if there was one thing fiercer than a friendship like Paine and Gippal's, it was Cid's love for his daughter. "Possession of an unregistered firearm, evading questioning, grand theft auto, failure to appear in court..." Gippal gritted his teeth at the laundry list of things Cid had "Fixed" over the years.
"But that's not why we called you here." Braska, whose lip was healing slowly, cut in. "We…need your help with something. Paine mustn't know about it."
Gippal pointed to himself. "Oh you need my help? Here I thought I was being blackmailed."
"No one is blackmailing you."
Gippal shook his head at Paine's legal counsel and looked to his own. "I'd ask for my lawyer but it turns out he's abushin' me too."
"This is to protect them both." Cid nodded.
"Yeah?" He laughed. "So tell me how exactly you plan on tellin' Rikku that her most favorite person is being let out in a week or so?"
"Paine and Rikku won't be here."
Now he was really amused. Gippal let his grin linger as he stood. "You don't know who you let your kid marry man, Paine's not going any fucking where."
Seeing their opportunity slip away Braska stood as well. "We're telling them this weekend."
Gippal grabbed his cell and the bag of organic cherries he was in the middle of picking up when Cid had called. "Yeah? Good luck with that. Can't make any promises they won't already know."
Cid was growing aggravated. "You don't think I want to tell them as soon as I found out?"
He hiked the bag of fruit over his shoulder. "And when exactly was that Pops?"
"Yesterday." Cid hadn't slept, hadn't eaten, all he could really remembering doing for himself was showering, and even then he thought about what was going to happen. He was unbelievably pissed at his brother in law, last night when Braska came over wanting to talk he had let him. Cid had listened and they seemed to come to some kind of common ground, but that didn't mean he was any less angry about things. Cid was so beside himself that all this time he could have done something, the right thing. Now here he was depending upon Gippal Trent to keep his mouth shut so they could come to an agreement. This was the only plan they had, and Gippal was the key…well at least a part of the key. "You're gonna sit down and you're going to listen Trent." Sometimes Gippal just needed to be roughed up a little. Gippal didn't move from his standing position and Cid saw this as a good thing. "Dona Pilgrim, are you still contact with her?"
Gippal squinted at him. "You two are some of the dumbest fucks I know. You wanna bring D into this?" He shook his head back and forth. "Do you even know 'bout them?"
"Whom?" Braska asked.
"Listen, whatever it is, it aint gonna work, fucking trust me on this one." Gippal moved toward the door until Braska's words stopped him.
"He's coming after them." He watched the younger man square off his shoulders. "He's dangerous, Gippal."
"So why couldn't you keep him locked up then?"
"Because he used to be where we are." Cid added. He began a slow walk toward where Gippal stood. "He's smart, and calculated, and if we don't do something now, while he's still in there, then he most certainly will come for the one the embarrassed him…" He finally reached Gippal. "Your best friend."
"And Cid's girl." It was under his breath, and at that moment Gippal realized just what they were up against. He knew lots of guys who've been to prison and come out like zombies, like they had been stripped of everything that made them a person. If this Auron prick was able to do things before, he was the worst kind to get locked up for nearly five years to think about what he'd do when he got out.. He had an ego to stroke, something to prove. Gippal never thought he'd be put in a situation for his best friend and against her at the same time. "You can't get Dona involved."
Cid put his hands in his pockets. "Why?"
"She knew Dr.P."
"She knew her…" Braska repeated. "We know that."
"Nah you don't." Gippal turned and brushed him off before looking at Cid. "Not her." Their green eyes met and Cid nodded once.
"Alright." He turned to Braska who looked like he was going to object. "We don't use her." He turned back to Gippal. "What about Barthello, her brother."
Gippal made a face. "The fuck you need him for?"
"He's Auron's new cellmate."
##
"Yes I'm still very much interested, my father is my lawyer and you know these things can be….uh huh…Oh." Rikku bit the inside of her mouth. "Actually what I am offering is as high as I'm willing to go, you are welcome to continue to show the house though." She grinned when she began to hear hesitation in the older woman's voice. "Right, well it's a nice home, perfect actually." Just then her tiny office door knocked and then was pushed open, Yuna and Lucil poked their heads inside and Rikku motioned them in. "It is my first choice yes…..yes, I'm just waiting to get them signed and we will be more than good to begin finalizing the deal….Alright okay, Thank you Mrs. Ghentin." She hung up and looked to the familiar faces. Yuna was seated clad in a sophisticated beige romper with heels, while Lucil was dressed down in normal business casual that their office allowed.
"I saved her from William's grasp." She motioned to Yuna.
Yuna nodded. "He's so…greasy."
They laughed and Lucil sauntered over to Rikku's desk to drop a folder on it. "So after he tried to cop a feel with High Summoner Yuna here he handed me his, it's the consultation with the Bluth company on some building they want for their headquarters in Bevelle, take a looksee and then we'll brief tomorrow. I have to get out of here while I still can."
It had been raining cold rain all afternoon, an oddity for the usually frosty winters in New Luca.
"Thanks Luce."
Lucil smiled and turned to Yuna. "High Summoner."
Yuna chuckled. "Yuna, just call me Yuna."
"Nope, I'm pretty much committed. It's not every day you meet a Yunlesca."
"You met me two years ago."
"I'm still getting used it."
Yuna shook her head with amusement. Lulu was a quiet worker; she wondered what it would be like to work with someone like Lucil, all jokes and business at the same time.
Lucil waved to Rikku. "See yuh Junior."
"Drive safe."
The door closed and Yuna and Rikku gave each other "Hello" sort of looks. Words weren't needed when you knew each other as long as they had. Yuna sighed heavily and slouched back in her stiff chair. "You need comfier chairs…or a couch."
Rikku shook her head as she put the folder Lucil had given her in her desk. "If I had a couch I'd never leave."
"Mm, maybe but at least your cousin would be comfortable."
"Well that's all that matters, I'll write up a PO,"
Yuna smiled and sat up. "Was that the house owner?"
"Yeah, Pops has been dragging his feet with the paperwork and they just tried asking me for more money. Don't they know I have sensitive eggs?"
Yuna laughed a little as she got up and walked over to the large window on the left of Rikku's desk slash work bench. "Well I'm glad you are having a sense of humor about this whole thing." She watched rain drops slide down the sleek edge of the building. It was beautiful.
"I just don't want people to know." The blonde admitted as she began to clear her desk. Today she and Yuna were going for cocktails at Gigi's, a nice little lounge place for the young professionals that everyone around this part of town was trying to be. Though now that she thought about it, stopping by her dad's to get him to sign the paperwork was going in front of drinks. She really wanted to get this place renovated to her liking before their lease was up.
"Have you told anyone besides Paine and I?"
"No, but Lucil knows something is up for sure. She's being all nice to me."
Yuna cracked a little smile. "Maybe she's just being nice."
"Not her." Rikku shook her head as she brought her Tupperware bowl with her leftovers she had from lunch. She slipped it into her black leather work bag and then stood as she began to gather up all the loose oil pencils she use for sketching today and hurried them into a container with her name one it. "Paine thinks I'm going crazy."
'Why?" Yuna continued to look at the window. Leonardi Inc was adjacent to a small park, right now she watched a woman with an umbrella walking her little dog who had a doggy raincoat on. She wondered if she could get Kimahri to wear one of those.
"This morning I was going to make us eggs, and she's all like no I'm not hungry, so I threaten to force feed her…this is normal morning behavior for us."
Yuna turned and chuckled. "Ah."
"But then so I go to crack some eggs Yunie, and there is this baby like thing in one of 'em… I saw a beak and little tiny itty-bitty feet and I just stared at it until Paine came over and threw it out before taking out the trash and coming back with bagels."
Yuna smiled sadly at her cousin. "She doesn't think you're going crazy. Some people call this silent support."
"Well maybe I just think I'm going crazy." It sure as hell felt like it. Rikku put away some more papers.
"We should invite her to get drinks with us after we get our nails done. We can talk about me and my problems, or Lulu's just to give you two a break."
Rikku nodded once liking the idea but not knowing if Paine would be for it. "I can give her a call. But maybe can we rain check on the nails? I wanna drop in on Pops and get him to sign those papers today." She reached for her cell phone and when she got a nod from her cousin and hit speed dial two and waited.
The phone rang a little longer than usual but eventually Paine's voice came over.
"Kerrigan."
"Hey Pai."
"Hey Ri, what's up?" Paine motioned to Big Mack to continue her cool down stretches.
"Come out with Yunie and I later? We were going to get a drink remember. Come."
"Yeah? Damn, Gip just called me actually, I thought I'd hang with him and Nooj if he's there for a little after dropping Big Mack."
"You know if he didn't have a penis I'd be very jealous."
Paine smiled a little at the joke. Joking was good. Joking was way better than silent Rikku. "I'll pick you up. Then we'll get pie again or something. How's that?"
"Ooh, that's good so I don't have to drive. It's still raining, I hate driving in rain."
Only because she couldn't speed Paine thought. "I know. So just text or call me when you two are ready to head home."
"Okay."
"You good?"
Rikku nodded even though she couldn't see her. "Yeah." It was quiet though.
Paine would have to settle for that until they were home. "Alright, Princess."
"Okay bye, I love you."
"Love you too." In the background Mackenzie made teasing noises. "Shut up would you?" Paine joked with the younger girl for a moment before getting back to Rikku. "Bunches."
Rikku smiled. "Bunches baby."
They hung up.
##
Gippal paced the cluttered floor of his bedroom in nothing but his boxers and an undershirt with his cell phone pressed to his ear and a joint rolled between his thumb and pointer finger. He had been in the process of changing out of his other clothes after a bike messenger snipped a corner and ended up colliding with Gippal. Both parties were fine, but Gippal had been covered in cherry juice.
"She will never speak to you again." Came the stern voice on the other line.
"You don't think I.." He exhaled a cloud of white smoke. "You don't think I fucking know that?! She's my best friend."
"So then what is the problem Gippal?" Elma sighed when she thought about what he had just told her. "I'm cutting my trip short."
"Wait a minute, you cut your trip short for Dr. P but not me? Duh fuq?"
"Only because you're so ill equipped to handle your own emotions let alone Paine's. I bet your smoking right now!" Gippal ousted his joint in an ash tray and glared at the picture of Elma on his nightstand wondering if she had installed a camera in there. "She can't go to Cid's girl, and she can't go to her mother. What does that leave her? She's been too damn calm lately."
"Yeah well not lately lately. Apparently Cid's girl is like not having babies with her or some shit. Ruf ys E cibbucat du ghuf." He shrugged.
Elma rubbed at her temples and glanced at the time on her watch. "My break is over."
"Damn…"
"Tell her Gippal Trent!"
"Okay Gulielma Mennechey!"
Elma sighed heavily into the receiver and then just hung up. Gippal grinned at the response her real name elicited but it soon fell into a scowl when he remembered what he had to do.
"Fuck."
Gippal picked up the joint again and searched for his lighter.
