9. Road to the West
She didn't even have to say anything when she got home - one look at her was all Quinn needed to send the kids to another room, sit Rachel down at the table, and pour her a cup of hot tea, with a strong dose from the brown bottle thrown in for good measure.
Quinn doesn't say anything as Rachel tells her about Santana and Brittany, doesn't change expression, just reaches across the table to hold Rachel's hand and waits until the end before sighing and looking down.
"Well, at least they've got each other. I just wish we could have..." She shakes her head, and looks back at Rachel, saying nothing more.
"I didn't know, Quinn. I mean, at services, they've mentioned fighting, they've talked about expanding the church, but I never knew it was like that, I didn't... if I'd known I wouldn't have... at least I don't think I could have..."
Quinn speaks, softly. "I knew."
Rachel looks up at her quickly, in shock, and Quinn shakes her head. "I mean, I didn't know all the details, I didn't know what exactly was happening around the old cities, and I knew nothing about Santana and Brittany, but... I've heard things through my market connections, and figured it might be something like that. I just hoped it wasn't as bad as I thought, and hoped you wouldn't find out."
"Hoped I wouldn't find out? Quinn, what's been happening out there is monstrous, it's unconscionable, I couldn't have possibly don't the work I did over the past five years if I'd known -"
"And that's why I didn't tell you. Look, you're right, what's happening is terrible. But the work you've been doing, you need to do it. There are dozens, maybe hundreds of people who survived after the plague because of what you did, because of the work you did with the church. I wouldn't have made it, Beth wouldn't have made it..."
"But if I'm working with, with the NLDS, it's like I'm helping them, like I'm complicit! I might as well have been firing the gun at Sue Sylvester myself!"
Quinn shakes her head squeezes Rachel's hand, hard. "Rachel, what do you think you could have done? What could you have changed? You heard Santana - even if you'd been there, even if you'd had a gun, you wouldn't have gotten a chance to fight back. If you'd done nothing when they came here to town, we might have starved, or they'd have somebody else - somebody not as good as you - doing your job. You made the best of a bad situation, and you have nothing to apologize for. It just... it is what it is."
"Quinn, that's not... I can't condone what the church is doing, not now, not that I know..." Rachel trails off, and stares up at the ceiling, blinking back tears. "I've been doing all this, everything, since the plague, because I believed in what I was doing. If it's all a lie, if what the church is doing is hurting and killing people like Brittany and Santana, what am I left with? I can't... I have to believe in something to get through this, otherwise I can't..." Rachel finishes quietly, almost whispering.
Quinn walks around the table, stands next to Rachel and hugs her, holding Rachel's head to her stomach, stroking her hair. "I know. I know you do, sweetie. I don't know what to tell you, except... it worked, for me, to stop believing in the big things and start believing in the little things. After getting kicked out of my house, after the plague, I couldn't believe in a world that was good and kind for everybody, in a God that made everything ok... but I believed we'd get through that first winter, that'd we'd have enough food and heat and it worked, we did it. I believed things would work out, that our group would hang together and work through those first few years, and it did. I believed that Beth and I would be taken care of by someone, and loved, and we were. I believed that we'd be able to make a family together, and keep each other safe and even be a little happy, no matter what was going on in the rest of the world, and we have."
Quinn sits down beside Rachel and holds her face between her hands, looking straight into her eyes.
"These days, what I believe in is our family, yours and mine and Finn's, and I'll do anything to keep it safe. And... I believe in you, Rachel. I don't know how to deal with the world, but you do. And I believe... I know... that no matter what, you'll find a way to do good, and make it better. So believe, or don't believe, whatever you want, because I'm believing in you enough for all of us."
Finn picks that exact moment to walk through the front door, calling out to Rachel and Quinn and the kids. Quinn gives Rachel a quick kiss on the forehead before running out to the living room to greet him, giving Rachel just enough time to wipe her eyes and run her fingers through her hair before doing the same.
Rachel spends the next hour or so in a daze, moving through her dinner chores like setting the table without thinking of anything, except for brief flashes of memory of what Santana had told her, images of guns and fires and tents and razor wire. Compared to that, the time spent not thinking, just stepping through the routine, is a blessing. And she's able to keep burying herself in routine through dinner, helping the kids cut their food and hearing, but not really following, Finn and Quinn exchange polite chit-chat.
Until she hears a loud exclamation from Quinn, and looks up to see her staring at Finn, open mouthed.
Finn stares calmly at the two of them, and repeats himself. "It's like I said. I've been assigned to Utah for advanced training. I'm leaving next week, you two, and the kids, are following the month after. And when you get there... you'll meet your new sister-wife, Amanda. It's all been arranged."
"And you just... decided this, without consulting us? Moving us halfway across the country, bringing some stranger into our lives, into our goddamn marriage, it's just something you announce over dinner?"
Finn looks over at Rachel for support, but she can't help but stare back at him with a stunned, deer-in-the-headlights look. He sighs, and continues. "Come on, Quinn, it's not... it can't be a complete surprise to you. We've been talking about adding a third for months..."
Quinn cuts in. "No, you've been talking about adding a third for months, and I keep telling you we're not ready for it - not now, maybe not ever. Rachel's still trying to get pregnant, she's got work to do here, and I'm still raising an infant, we are not ready to -"
"I'm the one who says when we're ready for things." Finn speaks quietly, but there's something in his tone, in his eyes, that stills Quinn for a moment.
"The church has a need for leaders now, for righteous families that will set an example and help spread the Prophet's word across the whole country. I didn't ask for this, but the bishop told me he thinks I can be a leader in our fight. It is not a choice, it is our duty to expand, to step up and face the burdens of leadership. I let your fears and concerns hold us back for too long. This is what we are called on to do, and this is what we are doing."
"Duty. Burden." Quinn spits out. "You're just repeating what they told you, aren't you? You even sound like them, these days. And yes, it's a huge burden to marry some... how old is this girl, Finn? And who is this new 'sister' of ours, anyway?"
Finn pauses. "Amanda is the niece of one of a member of the Quorum of Seventy. I've talked to her on the phone more than once, and she's a good woman, very devout and dedicated to the church. She's really mature for her age -"
"What is her age, Finn?" Quinn's voice is low now, and ice cold.
"Sixteen... seventeen by May."
"Sixteen. Sixteen. You're telling us you're... we're..." Quinn slams the table, once, hard, so that the children stare at her, wide-eyed, and the baby starts to cry until Rachel picks it up and starts shushing it. Quinn looks over at Rachel and shakes her head as she sees the blank, lost expression on Rachel's face.
"Fine." Quinn stands up, and stares straight at Finn. "You told us your pitch, I get it. We've heard you. But hear me on this. This is not over." She walks out of the dining room, up the stairs, and finally slams the door to her bedroom.
After a moment, Finn turns back to the kids and starts trying to comfort them, telling them that grown-ups have silly arguments sometimes and telling them how much fun they'll have in Utah, as Rachel continues to quiet the baby and make sure everybody finishes their meal.
Quinn doesn't come out for the rest of the evening, leaving Rachel to do all the chores, and get the kids to bed - though Finn helps out, for once. She'd almost prefer he didn't, because when she's not buried in make-work, the things at the back of her mind push back even harder, battles in small towns matched with the wide horizon of the Utah desert, and a sixteen year-old girl with red hair like burning fields, waiting at the train station in a wedding dress, prison camps stretching out behind her in the distance...
She's in such a daze she doesn't realize she's in bed with Finn until he's next to her, reaching his arm over her and calling her name. She shakes her head and looks over at him.
"I'm sorry, it's just been a long day. What did you say?"
"I was just saying... are you ok with this? With Utah and Amanda? I knew Quinn wasn't going to take it well, but you didn't say anything. I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to talk to you about it before, but... you understand, don't you? That this is the best thing for our family, for the church? We'll be bigger, and stronger, with more people, more help for you, more kids... It's good, isn't it?"
She's surprised to hear more than a little questioning in his voice - it's not the lecturing tone he had with Quinn earlier tonight, and it's not the preacher's voice that carries throughout the church on Sundays when he gives sermons.
It would be easier if he was just telling her to accept it, not asking for her approval, not today, not like this.
"I don't know. I really don't. I like our family the way it is, and I thought our life here was about as good as we could hope for. Moving out there, it's good for your career, it's good for the church, I just don't know if it's good for us." She raises up on an elbow and looks straight at him. "Finn did... do you want this, or is it something they want you to want?"
He turns over and sighs, staring up at the ceiling. After a moment he speaks. "I think it'll be good for me to be outside of Lima, learning new stuff, doing more for..."
She sits up further, leaning over him, hand on his chest. "That's not what I asked. What do you want?"
He sits up, and takes her hand in both of his. "I want to do the right thing, Rach. The right thing for you, the right thing for Quinn and the kids and... everybody. And doing what the church wants is the right thing, right? It's been the right thing ever since they came, ever since the plague. We're alive because of them, and I believe... I believe in the church, in the Prophet Henrickson, all of it. It's the best way to keep us all safe."
"Finn, I - "
He interrupts before she can finish the thought. "Besides," he says quietly, "What other choice do we have?"
She sits there a moment, looking at him as he's looking down at his hands, saying nothing. What starts out as a question becomes a statement by the time she finishes. "There's not anywhere else to go, is there?"
He shakes his head, still not looking at her. "I'm not supposed to say anything until it can officially be announced, but... the army's made it all the way to Boston, and Seattle, and up to Montreal. All the militias are beaten. Just about anywhere there's roads, or rail lines, there's the church. The new... territories, they need people with experience to go out and administer them. That's why they want me out there, they'll probably send us off to the west coast once I'm ordained as a bishop."
And in her mind's eye, she sees them - after the fires are put out, and the prison camps are struck and the bodies are buried and the trenches are filled, a train stops and she and Finn and Quinn and a mob of smiling wives and children get out, ready to bring the NLDS order to the newly conquered land.
The only other option is to be like Brittany and Santana, standing alone on an empty horizon, walking away to some nowhere place as twilight falls.
And she realizes, now, what Santana meant - that you can stay on the fringe if you're already there, but to lead your own family out there, away from someplace warm and safe, into the cold, isn't an option.
Tears well up in her eyes, but she pushes the words out. "You'd... be good, Finn. You've... done a good job at taking care of us, taking care of the town, and you'd make a good bishop. I - " she swallows against the lie. "I believe in you, and the church. It's the right thing to do."
He looks up at her then, and she gives him a brave smile. If he sees the tears, they don't stop him - he says nothing, but leans across and kisses her, and then pushes her down on the bed, hands running over her body, moving against her bare skin.
At first she's stock-still against him, unable to let go of the cold dread that the day has put in the pit of her stomach. But she soon finds herself moving against him, faster and more desperately, trying to push away from what they've become, back towards the distant memory of just the two of them in the early days, alone in the dark, comforting each other against the horror of the past, innocent and ignorant what's to come.
When it finally happens, the rush of pleasure is remote and small, but it carries with it the barest hint of the boy Finn used to be, and the girl she used to be, and for a moment, it's almost enough.
Almost.
