_._
August, ten years past
_._
The morning sun screamed in through the bedroom windows, and Rinoa pulled a white sheet over her head to block the demanding rays.
Shouted, she thought, and smiled within her glowing cocoon. Shouted, not screamed. The sun was just very enthusiastic about it being morning, and wanted to share in its joy. Rinoa rolled over and ran her hand across Squall's empty pillow, and smiled. The first rays of run had made them pretty enthusiastic about it being morning as well, and afterwards, Squall went upstairs to make coffee, and Rinoa drifted back to sleep for a little longer. The room was brighter than their house in Timber had ever been, and she decided even she might become a morning person if this was how her days would always start.
Blinking, Rinoa rolled from the mattress to the floor and pulled on a thin pair of pants and one of Squall's t-shirts, cracked the door to Noelle's room and smiled at her heavy breathing, and then padded upstairs to the smell of coffee. She poured a mug for herself, walked through the empty living room, and joined Squall on the balcony.
"Morning." She leaned down to kiss him, and took a seat in the second chair.
"Good morning. You're up early."
"Well technically-"
"You're out of bed early."
She grinned. "You missed the room glowing white."
Squall shrugged. "I watched the sun rise over the ocean."
"You win."
"I think we both do."
"We don't really need furniture, right? That's too much like work. We have these chairs and a place to sleep, I think that's all we need."
"And you used to make fun of my preference for minimalist decor." He smirked over the edge of his coffee cup, and Rinoa started to laugh, and watched dust in the air around them shine like glitter, until it grew thicker, and the sound of her laughter was slowly swallowed, the dust darkening, and her eyes widened.
"Squall?"
He tilted his head at her and his faze froze as purple smoke consumed him, and spread out across the house.
"Squall!" she shrieked, and jumped out of her chair, wading through the smoke to find him, but the smoke had taken everything. In the distance, the ocean was on fire, and she could hear the flapping of wings in the air all around her, and the sound of a man shouting.
She jerked awake, and Squall was face down on the bed yelling into his pillow. The room was grey with the light of early morning, and his muscles were tense, his fists tight and white-knuckled. Rinoa brushed a hand over his shoulder and immediately pulled it back when he flailed backwards in response.
"Squall," she said, firmly. He was still stuck, and the sound of wings beating filled the room and gave her chills. She watched him fight for only another moment before she threw her whole body over him, and pressed his arms against his body and held on while he tried to throw her off, all the while repeating his name. Finally, he loosed his fist and gripped her hand, and lay panting beneath her. She gave him several minutes, and then whispered, "Hey."
They lay like that until his breathing slowed, and he let go of her hand and shrugged her off. Rinoa rolled back to her side of the bed and watched him stand, and, walk without a word into the bathroom. A minute later she heard the shower running. She closed her eyes and watched echoes of purple smoke and listened to the sound of wings, and counted backwards from ten. When Squall finished his shower, he walked into the bedroom just long enough to dress. Rinoa lay in bed for several minutes longer, before heading into the shower for herself. She walked upstairs when she was finished and the room was empty. A coffee cup lay empty in the sink, the pot still mostly full. She frowned, poured a cup, and took a seat on the couch. In time, she heard a saw running outside, and let out a heavy sigh.
She turned at the sound of footsteps on the stairs, and smiled at Noelle, her hair tangled, her nightshirt a ridiculous old t-shirt with a moomba on the front Laguna had once given Squall as a gag gift.
"He's up early," Noelle mumbled, and joined Rinoa on the couch.
"So are you," Rinoa said. She set her coffee on the table, and Noelle climbed into her lap. "Did he wake you?"
"A little." Noelle yawned, and rested her head on her mother's shoulder. "Can I have coffee this morning?"
"No ma'am."
"Fiiiine."
Rinoa pushed Noelle's hair back absently. "This saves me the trouble of having to wake you up at least."
"Moommmm, I can wake myself up."
"Not this early. You were grumbling about it last night."
"Yeah, and I'll grumble to dad about taking away that extra half hour I could have had. Who does home improvement at the crack of dawn?"
"I'd grumble to him when you get home. He's busy."
Noelle had no response, and Rinoa stared over her head out the windows. The sky was marked with thick clouds, and it gave the appearance of orange blazes where the sunrise caught their outlines.
"Come on," Rinoa nudged Noelle after awhile. "You need to get dressed."
"Remind me again why I thought band would be a good idea?"
"Apparently the part where you get to make music.'"
"Even though my summer has to end early?"
"Even though. But since you did think it was a good idea, you should get dressed and eat something before they get here."
Noelle mumbled a few incoherent things under her breath but disappeared downstairs, and Rinoa got up to pour a fresh cup of coffee. Ten minutes later Noelle reappeared dressed and with her hair brushed and in a ponytail, and Rinoa handed her a plate containing cinnamon toast, cheese, and a sliced apple.
"Cinnamon toast? You're spoiling me," Noelle grinned, and tore into one of the pieces while standing in the kitchen.
"See what happens when you don't oversleep?" She handed Noelle a glass of juice, and watched her take her breakfast outside, where she ate it looking over to the side of the house where Squall was working.
Not spoiling, Rinoa thought. Just trying to make things more cheerful. She stood in the kitchen while she finished her coffee, and when Noelle came back inside she took her dirty plate, kissed her on the cheek, and watched her through the kitchen window as she waited for her carpool, instrument case waiting at her feet.
Noelle waved at her from the driveway as she left, and Rinoa let the quiet of the house settle in around her. She considered just going back to sleep, but instead filled her mug one more time and walked outside, and stood for several minutes at the side of the house and watched Squall, bent over a worktable, with safety glasses perched on his head. Finally he looked up, and they stared at each other.
"Everything okay?" he finally asked, and she took it as an invitation to walk closer. She handed him the coffee, and he took a slow sip.
"We have a new alarm clock for Noelle," she said, hesitant, and pointed at the table saw when he looked confused. He eyes darkened for just a second and Rinoa sighed. "Sorry."
"Did she leave already?"
Rinoa nodded.
"I meant to tell her good luck."
"She knows."
Squall held the coffee mug near his lips, and leaned against the table. "Does she?"
"She thinks you're nuts for getting up this early."
"She's never been a morning person."
"No, she hasn't."
"But it was still her idea to do this."
Rinoa bit her lip, and thought about how to proceed. "Yes." She settled on simplicity.
"Well, I can't blame her for wanting to get out of the house."
"Squall..."
He flexed his healing leg, and Rinoa pretended not to notice. The clouds were growing thicker, and most of the morning colors were gone. The late summer humidity was already making her hair cling to the back of her neck, and she shifted her weight from one foot to the other.
"Thanks for the coffee." He handed the mug back to her with a tone of finality, and Rinoa felt her eyes start to burn.
"Will you... At least come in and eat something?"
"Rinoa-"
"Please? I don't want to come out here and find you almost passed out again."
She saw his jaw lock, but he moved past her anyway, and she walked a few steps behind him.
"Cinnamon?" He paused at the door.
"For Noelle."
Another dark thing crossed his face. "Since when does she get dessert for breakfast?"
"Since I wanted to make something nice for her this morning. And it's not dessert, and she had fruit and cheese with it."
"Is she drinking coffee yet?"
"No she isn't, and you know that she isn't."
Squall took the stairs slowly, and flexed his leg again when he reached the top. Rinoa fought the urge to ask him about it, and sat at the breakfast bar and looked into the rest of the living room while he worked on finding something to eat.
She thought of a lot of things to say-to ask him about the clubhouse he was building for Noelle, about his dream. She considered talking about the weather just for something to break the silence, but held her tongue. Once Squall finished cooking, he walked past her and sat down on the couch, and turned on the morning news; Rinoa knew he wasn't really watching it.
"How long is her practice?" he finally asked.
"It should be over around lunchtime. We cou-"
"Does she have a ride home?"
"Same people who picked her up this morning. We have carpool duty on Thursdays."
"I want to pick her up today."
"...Okay."
Rinoa stood up, and started washing the few dishes Squall had dirtied, and was almost surprised at the long-dormant sense of fight that called out for her attention.
She held onto the hand towel for several minutes, looking at the clean kitchen, looking at Squall sitting on the couch with his empty plate, and slammed her fists against the counter. He shot off the couch and spun around, something wild and angry in his eyes.
"What the fuck, Rinoa?"
"I'm sick of this, that's what!" she said, and crossed her arms in front of her.
"Of me eating breakfast?"
"Of you not talking to me! What the hell was the point of convincing me to stay if you were only going to shut me out a few months later?"
"I'm not shutting you out-"
"Yes you are! You have these dreams that I see and I don't even bother trying to ask you about those anymore. You won't do anything with Noelle unless it's just the two of you, and lately you hardly even look at me. If that's not shutting me out then please, tell me what it is."
"Right, because this is all about you."
"As opposed to it being all about you?"
Squall glared at her, and she saw his eyes dart towards the door.
"No. You aren't running out on this."
"A running joke. Very mature."
"Don't talk to me about maturity."
"This, coming from this person whose solution was complete abandonment."
"How is that any different than what you're doing?"
"I'm still here, aren't I?"
"In the loosest definition of the word."
"So you'd rather I just leave?"
Rinoa clenched her fists and took a breath. Yes, because that's exactly what I said, she thought, but said, "No, and you know that."
"Then what?"
"Be a part of the damn family, Squall."
He winced and for a second Rinoa thought she may have crossed a line, but then he sat down and his hand twitched towards his leg. Well, at least you're stuck up here with me for a few more minutes.
"How?" he asked. "By smiling and forcing people to eat all the time?"
"Well, that would be a start."
"Fine. At least that's something that hasn't changed."
"What, smiling? Because-"
"No, Rinoa. Eating. Even though I don't know where to begin with that, because Noelle's tastes have gotten so-"
"Older? She's older, Squall. You can't be angry at me for the fact that she's not eating off of a children's menu anymore."
"Fine. Older."
"Is all of this really just about Noelle?"
"What?"
"You. You were fine until school ended, and ever since you've just been more and more withdrawn, and I know it was horrible, and I know...time can make things worse. But the timing...is that it? Because now that she's not in school you're just around to see more of... Well, more of how she's changed?"
Squall didn't answer, and Rinoa walked slowly into the living room, and sat opposite him on the couch.
"Why won't you-"
"It is summer. But only because all I can think about is that last summer there was somebody else here doing the things that I should have been doing."
Rinoa stopped, her mouth still open, and felt herself flush. "What?"
"She starts talking about all these things that Irvine took her to do, and what I see is a family. I spent last summer watching one of my best friends die while he stayed here raising my daughter and doing lord know what with my wife, and somehow I'm supposed to just fall right back into this place that he carved out."
His tone was defeated, but all Rinoa heard was the challenge, and felt her blood turn hot.
"How long have you been holding onto that?" Her eyes narrowed, and her voice was like ice.
He raised his eyes, and she was pleased to see her tone had affected him.
"Since you got back? Since before you got back? Or is this just something that started recently?"
"Rinoa-"
"No, Squall. If you have something to ask me, ask it. If that's what it takes for you to get this out of your head."
"I'm sorry I said that."
"Are you?"
"Sorry I said it...like that." His voice grew stronger. "But as long as we're talking about it, fine. Look me in the eye and tell me you didn't at least think about it."
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because I did think about it."
He drew back, surprised, she thought, at her honesty, and she continued while she had the breath to do so. "Thought about it. And there was a moment when I really thought I might even go through with it."
"And you kept it a secret." His voice was tight.
"It wasn't a secret. He left, and I forgot all about it, and then you came home. The last months you were gone my mind was over there with you so much of the time anyway I didn't have time to think about anything else. And if you'd asked me about that from the beginning, instead of pulling away and dwelling on it and resenting me over something that never happened, maybe we wouldn't be where we are right now."
"The way Noelle talks, though. It's like last summer is the only part of the time I was gone she cares about."
"It's the only time she had fun, Squall."
"Thanks. Twist the knife a little more."
"It's the only time she had fun, because it's the only time she had an adult around who actually focused on her. That was why we asked him to come down here, wasn't it? An idea that was yours to begin with, I might add."
He nodded.
"I tried, but do you know how hard it is to pretend like everything's okay with daddy when almost every night you have dreams to the contrary? He took her places. He charmed her friends, and played silly games, and yes, Squall, he helped me too, because having someone around gave me something to think about when I wasn't at work, and I could fall into a pattern. But he's not you. And if I could have willed him into you I would have, but he's not. And you can't get angry with me for having a moment of weakness when I spent years fighting anything remotely weak, and just taking everything a day at a time. And I know it doesn't compare, because you never had time to rest or think about anything other than staying alive, and you had to watch Zell die, and you missed those years of your life, but it wasn't easy for me either. I was frozen here waiting for you, and I only had so much to distract me from the fact that your side of the bed was always cold, and there was a chance it always would be."
"But you didn't..."
"No. We didn't."
Her words hung in the air for a long time.
"...I'm glad he helped Noelle."
"We'll see if you're still saying that after years of listening to her playing saxophone in the house."
"Irvine has a lot of far worse habits he could have given her."
"Was that a joke?"
His lips twitched, and he said, "It might have been."
She smiled. "Well I guess that's something."
"I guess I just... Wouldn't have blamed you."
"For sleeping with someone else? Squall, you could have completely blamed me for that."
His face drew up, and she reached forward and gave his leg a hesitant touch. "You can stop picturing it, too."
"Not the first time."
"And for something you say you wouldn't have blamed me for, it's apparently consumed you this summer. Unless there's something else."
"There's just..." He brought a hand to his forehead and closed his eyes. "I don't know what you want from me. You hover, and I don't know what it is you're expecting of me."
"I want you to talk to me."
"What's there to talk about, Rinoa? You of all people should understand. I thought... I never thought I would have to ask you to understand this."
"What? The dreams? The feeling of being completely isolated from everybody around you? That your friends and family, that strangers are always on the other side of this line that you're never going to be able to cross? Oh yeah, I understand that."
"Then... What?"
She pulled her hand back, and drew her knees into her chest. "You know what."
"Don't... Don't play that game."
"You. That's...that's what. Because I didn't try to shut you out."
"I don't want to burden you."
Rinoa stared at him, and laughed in spite of herself. "Burden me? Squall, you...how are you still so clueless sometimes?"
He looked so offended Rinoa started laughing even harder.
"Squall... I dream your dreams with you. I sit around all day long waiting for you to talk, or explode, or walk out. And speaking of things we should understand about each other, how many times have I said those exact words to you, only to have you tell me what an idiot I'm being?"
"Not in those exact words."
"Well those are the exact words I am going to use on you. You're being an idiot, if you honestly think what you're doing is somehow protecting me. And from someone who does know all too well what it feels like to have something dangerous threatening to burst out of you at any time, hiding it from everyone only makes it worse. You've seen my darkness, you're not going to scare me away with yours. Plus, if you explode, you don't have to worry about hurting anyone but me, and I can take it. Unlike you." She pointed at his leg, and he raised an eyebrow.
"A joke?"
"It might have been."
Outside the wind chimes let out a loud burst of song, and they watched the clouds moving past, the occasional sunbeam sneaking down before running off to hide again.
"What did you want to do with Noelle?"
Squall shrugged. "I just thought I'd take her out for lunch, ask her about practice."
"Well you've got a few hours if you want to get back to work, if you can get anything done in this wind."
He nodded. "Do you want to go too?"
"To help you work?"
"Out to lunch. We learned our lesson about you and construction."
"Oh. In that case, yes." She smiled, and didn't bother to point out that she'd had three years of practice since the last time she helped him with a project.
"Okay."
"...Okay."
"I'll... Try to talk more."
"It always worked the best when you would just hold me, you know. All the times I woke up with nightmares..."
He stared at her, and she held his gaze.
"You can't scare me away, Squall. I promise."
"Is that a challenge?"
"Sure."
"Then I guess we'll find out."
Now he did smile, and she slid across the couch and wrapped her arms around him. "I guess we will."
_._
August, eleven years past
_._
The house was dark when Rinoa turned the corner onto their street, and she frowned, pulling into the driveway beside Irvine's truck. She knew she was late getting home, but she didn't think she was that late. The clock in her car was reading just past 11, and surely they would still be awake. She climbed the steps to the side door and opened it quietly, and heard music drifting in from upstairs. All the lights were out downstairs, and she took a quick detour to poke her head into Noelle's room. Dark hair stuck out from the blankets, and Rinoa listened for a few minutes to hear the sounds of deep breathing. She wanted to walk over to the bed, to kiss her forehead and tell her goodnight, but Noelle had so much trouble getting to sleep anymore that Rinoa was afraid disturb her.
She closed the door and walked up the stairs into an empty living room. The only light came from over the stove, invisible from the road, but enough to show her that the dishes were done, and there was no visible sign anyone had been there all night. Her frown deepened, and she stepped out onto the balcony, and finally heard evidence of another person in the sound of the jacuzzi jets on the lower deck.
"Hey," she said and leaned over the railing, looking down to where Irvine sat in the hot tub alone. He looked up at her, moonlight reflected on his face.
"You finally made it out."
"Long day. Want anything to drink?"
Irvine reached for a bottle perched on the side of the jacuzzi, and Rinoa went inside and pulled something identical out of the fridge, walked down the indoor steps, and out onto the lower deck. She climbed onto the edge of the jacuzzi, carefully folding her skirt so it fell to the side, and Irvine raised his bottle and they clinked theirs together.
"So... You're alone," Rinoa noted.
Irvine shrugged, and raised the bottle to his lips. "She called."
"Flight delays?"
"New boyfriend."
"Ahh."
Rinoa let her fingers fall into the hot water, and moved them in a circle.
"Good for her, I say."
"Do you?"
Irvine leaned back and closed his eyes. "I don't know."
Rinoa mirrored him, leaning against the pillar beside the jacuzzi, and they sat in the cooling air, listening to the sound of the jets and the music drifting in gently from the open windows upstairs.
"I s'pose I ought to decide what to do with her at some point. I just don't think tellin' her would change anything. Or it would, just not the way I'd like for things to change."
"Yeah, but you can't keep going the way things are right now."
"That makes two of us, don't it?"
Rinoa dropped her hand back into the water, and kicked droplets around with her fingers. "You can't compare them, Irvine. Squall didn't choose to leave. And it's not like anything's really different with you and Selphie. At least, not as far as she's concerned."
"I wasn't comparin' them. But you can't tell me you like having me around all the time like this."
"It's just another week. Once school starts, Noelle will be fine in the evenings by herself and you can go home."
"Until you go back to workin' 'til nearly midnight every day."
"That's going to be over soon."
"So you say."
"Well it's either that, or lose the whole country."
"Weren't you done with all this stuff after Timber?"
Rinoa sighed, and took another drink. In theory, she thought. But despite her promises to herself that she was done with politics, if the choice was to sit on the sidelines and watch a place that held so much significance for them fall into ruin before it really got started, even before Squall left for Esthar Rinoa found herself climbing up the Capitol steps of New Lenown. But she'd be lying if she said she wasn't still there just to keep her mind away from Esthar.
"Are you telling me you haven't liked getting to spend your summer at the beach? Because you sure could have fooled me."
Irvine flexed out an arm so covered in freckles they were visible even in the moonlight. "Want to see my tanline?"
"I've seen it, thanks."
Irvine winked, and they laughed. He'd been there since summer started, and there had been more than a couple of embarrassing moments as each of them adjusted to living with someone new.
"You could get in, you know."
"I'm still in my work clothes. And I'm tired. I don't really feel like changing into something more appropriate."
"So, get in in your work clothes. It's not like you've got on anything fancy." He flicked water in her direction, and she watched the dark spots pool out on the cotton of her skirt. "See? Now you've got nothin' to lose."
"You're lucky I was there mostly after hours today and could afford to be more casual."
"You mean you're lucky. Get in." He sent another splash in her direction, and she let out a laugh far louder than she meant to, and she pulled her outer shirt off and slid into the water. Her skirt was immediately heavy, and in the jets it moved around her legs like seaweed.
"You got me, you know. I am gonna miss stayin' out here."
"Just because I won't need you down here anymore doesn't mean you have to leave if you don't want to. I know it wasn't the original reason, but it has been nice, having company."
Irvine took a few minutes to respond. Tonight was cooler than they'd seen in awhile, and Rinoa filled the silence by closing her eyes and letting the breeze hit her face.
"I can't say I haven't thought about askin'."
"But no?"
She cracked open an eye, and saw him shake his head. "I been away from home long enough. 'Sides, people will start to talk, if they haven't already..." He paused. "They're not, are they?"
"Talking?"
"Yeah."
Rinoa let a hand slide back and forth across the water. "Probably. I learned how to tune all of that out years ago." But that wasn't entirely true. Maybe people weren't saying anything to to her, but she had a feeling when school started back Noelle would hear a lot of things parroted from her classmates' parents that they wouldn't dare say to Rinoa's face.
But then, the people here were essentially strangers. Maybe she and Squall had arrived in a windstorm of change and success, but they had been given little time to make friends, to get to know anyone on a personal level, before he had to leave. Had it been another family, Rinoa would have raised an eyebrow too when another man showed up and started living in the house of someone that long at war.
"You guys just can't get enough of the spotlight, can you?"
"Oh yeah, we just love it." Rinoa rolled her eyes, and reached for her beer.
"Everyone else's managed to fade into obscurity, 'cept the two of you."
"That's not why we moved, and you know it. Kind of the opposite, really. Anyway, with his job... People are always going to watch us. Even Squall agrees it's sometimes better to give them something to look at than to let them pry, but don't tell him I told you that. And anyway, you can't say everyone's faded into obscurity. We have no idea where Quistis even is, much less what she's up to."
"I think you mighta missed the definition of obscurity, Rin. She did it better'n any of us."
"Or she's dead," Rinoa said, matter-of-fact.
"Or she's dead."
Somewhere behind them was the sound of a plane taking off. Probably the same plane that should have brought Selphie to Centra, and it brought a shift in mood that Rinoa felt was neither better nor worse.
"Want another?" Irvine waved his empty bottle, and Rinoa nodded.
"You better be wearing something under this water, Kinneas," she teased, and watched him lean forward.
"Now, where's the fun in that?"
"Somewhere in the fact that I've got an eleven year old in there who doesn't need to be quite that educated yet."
"Always rainin' on my parade." Irvine grinned as he stood up, and Rinoa could feel him check the urge to moon her.
"You couldn't stay down here any longer even if you wanted to. I think you're going a little crazy without people around to admire you."
"You don't admire me?"
"Just try not to drip water across the living room, okay?"
Irvine made sure to splash her on his way out of the jacuzzi, but grabbed a towel, and Rinoa heard him taking time to make sure his feet were dry on the deck above. In the passing solitude, she stared out over the ocean, at the stars bright enough to fight their way over the glowing moon, and the sweeping beam of the lighthouse pulsing away in the west.
She started when Irvine swung a leg back into the water, and he paused before handing her a bottle. They clinked them together again, and she continued to watch the horizon, and it was a long time before either of them spoke.
"I don't want to leave you alone."
Rinoa took a long pull in response, and tried to make out the song playing above. Finally, "I've been alone for over two years."
"Yeah, and look at you."
"What about me?" She turned to face him. He was leaning into the corner, casual as ever.
"You ain't happy, that's for sure."
"And you being here is going to change that?" she spat, and only felt so guilty about it.
Irvine didn't flinch. "I'm not sayin' it is."
"So why did you say what you did?"
"Just..."
"I just celebrated Squall's birthday with a five minute phone call for the third year in a row. Our daughter has seen her father once since he left. This was supposed to be... This was our dream house. We came up with this idea on a whim and we did it, and..." She sighed, and gestured at the water. "You know why I never come out here by myself? We bought this jacuzzi two months before he left and hardly got to use it, because he spent those two months in Balamb trying everything he could to keep himself out of the front lines. And none of it worked. And you... So I'm working a lot. But I'm also raising a preteen by myself and trying to make decisions on a house I should be making with my best friend, and looking for anything I can find that will keep me from wondering when I'm going to get a phone call letting me know... That he..."
"You need friends, Rinoa." Irvine stared at her and she turned away, his gaze strong in the dark.
"I need my husband." She reached for her beer, but the knot in her throat was too tight to take a drink. " Dammit," she choked out. "Now I'm going to cry."
"Would it be callous of me to say 'what else is new?'"
"A little, yes." She sniffled, and couldn't manage a smile.
"You need your friends," he repeated. "And I don't have anything better to do with my time these days."
"You need to talk to Selphie."
"You're redirecting."
"And you're using my really shitty situation to avoid moving forward with your life."
Irvine set his bottle down on the side of the jacuzzi with enough force that Rinoa felt the vibrations in the wall over the movement of the jets. "Dammit, that's the second time you've insulted me to get out of talking about this."
"Well then take the hint."
"Just because Squall ain't here doesn't mean you've gotta start acting like him."
"Irvine-"
"No. You want to start tradin' insults? I could start talkin' about the fact that I probably know more about your kid's interests than either of her parents right now, seein' as I'm the only parent she's had since school let out. And I mean no offense to you and Squall because you've got a great kid, but I don't, and there's a reason for that. You asked me to come down for the summer so she wouldn't be alone all day while you were workin' so much overtime, and I'm half raisin' her. So don't talk to me about avoiding movin' forward with anything."
"You..." Rinoa took a deep breath. The effort of holding back her tears was becoming painful, and she could feel her anger starting to light up within her. She took another breath, and without a word slipped down so she was completely submerged. Her throat contracted and she let out something almost like a bark under the water, and when she came up she was coughing and sobbing and only wanted to get away. "I'm done," she said, her voice tight and quiet.
"Rinoa..."
"No. I can't... I can't. I'm... I'm sorry, but I can't." She stood up, and the weight of her skirt caught her as she pulled her leg towards the wall and knocked her off balance. She fell back into the water and felt her head hit the opposite side of the jacuzzi just as Irvine caught her and pulled her up, sputtering and crying, her legs still tangled in her skirt.
"Well you don't have to hurt yourself just to make me feel bad for crossing a line," he said, and at least had the grace not to laugh. "Are you okay?"
She shook her head and leaned into him, and he wrapped his arms around her. "No," she said. "I'm not."
"...I know you're not."
And he held her, and she cried, and Rinoa closed her eyes and willed the moment to be different. Because the feeling of skin on skin was the closest to something soothing she had found since Squall left, and maybe if she could just pretend hard enough, it would be him, and they would be together. She pulled herself into his lap and slid one of her arms around Irvine's side; ran her fingers up his back, and if she kept her eyes closed tightly enough she could almost find him.
"Ri-"
"Shut up."
"Rinoa."
"Please. Just don't say anything." The water pressed against her chest and she leaned her head onto Irvine's shoulder, aching for the curve of his neck but Irvine was so much taller and it was just wrong, and she cried harder, and Irvine said nothing. He ran his fingers over her shoulder, pulled strands of wet hair across her skin exactly the way that Squall did, and let his cheek rest against the side of her head.
"Rin," he finally whispered, and she wondered how much time had passed. She was dizzy from the heat, and could feel the wrinkles on her skin.
"I know," she replied. "I'm..."
"It's okay."
"I guess...we should..."
"Yeah. But you may want to take your skirt off this time."
"What?" She looked up sharply and her nose bumped into his chin, and their faces were close enough to feel the heat from each other's breath.
"So you don't, you know, trip again." She felt every word as he said it, his lips almost brushing her forehead.
"Right..." One of his arms had moved down around her waist, and she wasn't ready to let go.
But his chin was sharper, his nose longer, and she blinked and bowed her head, and Irvine kissed her forehead, and helped her to her feet. "Come on. I'll go first."
He did. She pulled her skirt off under the water, allowed Irvine to help her back onto the deck, and wrung out the skirt while he collected their bottles, and flipped over the cover and shut off the jets. They walked towards the doors together and stood in silence, the door to hers and Squall's bedroom behind her, the door to the guest room behind him. In the breeze, she was sharply aware of how little she wore, and how close he was standing.
She opened her mouth to say-What? Thank you? Another apology? Goodnight?-but Irvine spoke first.
"You know, we could always..."
"Irvine..."
"I'm just sayin', you know. Just...lay together. Share space. We could do that. Be beside each other without bein' with each other. Nothin' else. Maybe...maybe it's the thing we both need."
She shivered, less at the wind and more at the memory of his arms wrapped around her, of bodies pressed together, and how much she wanted what he was suggesting. But...
"He's... He's at war, Irvine. He's not... He's at war. I know... I want..." She felt the tears coming back, and Irvine raised a hand to her face and brushed one away.
"Just an idea," he said. "No offense taken."
"I just miss him so much. There's this constant pain that's been there since he left, and... There's no amount of distraction or pretending that's ever going to make it go away. It will be there, until he's home. I'm doing the best I can."
"I know. And I'm sorry."
"...Me too."
"Goodnight?"
She nodded, and stepped forward. "Goodnight." She gave him a brief hug, and, once in her room, changed quickly out of her wet clothes and collapsed on the bed, hair soaking her pillow. After a few minutes she heard the shower in the hall cut on, and she hugged herself, trying to hold onto the memory of arms around her and fingers grazing her skin until she finally cried herself to sleep.
