A Squire's Pain

By oxlabyrinthxo

Disclaimer – Don't own, don't sue!

Chapter Nine

A/N: I'm really excited about this chapter! Also I have the rest of this story planned out so there might only be five or six more chapters after this before it's done. Hopefully I'll have this all completed before the end of November so I can get through the holidays and focus on writing my Supernatural fic Shapeshifter which is not coming along as well as this one is unfortunately. I hope you enjoy this chapter, there's some KelJoren action at the end of this chapter. Enjoy!


Kel saw the fief Stone Mountain looming ominously in the distance, grey clouds hung overhead threatening to spill rain on the entire third company. Kel sighed in defeat. She was eager and afraid of arriving at Stone Mountain, eager to see Joren for the first time in months, and afraid to see where they stood with each other in this quasi-relationship/therapist arrangement they had. She rode beside Raoul silently as he called out orders for when they got there. He explained that they would first unload their burdened horses and board them up in the stables, and then they would unload the wagons and get started on setting up camp in the grassy knoll outside of the fief near the stables. One man of the Own cracked a joke about Raoul having to meet with the demon lord of this castle; Kel felt her lips quirk up into a smile. Dom rode up beside her with an easy smile on his handsome face.

"Do you think we should ready Milord's armor for his meeting with the Lord of Stone Mountain?" Dom laughed.

Kel opened her mouth to answer but Raoul beat her to it. "Dom, behave," he told the sergeant, and then raised his voice so the entire company could hear. "That goes for all you lads, be on your best behavior. This is an important stop on the Progress, I don't care if you don't get on with the family here," he spared Kel a look. "You will behave yourselves; no pranks or horsing around. Anyone who disobeys this order gets to joust against me." Raoul threatened. The men fell silent.

Dom moved closer to her and whispered low so Raoul wouldn't hear him, "you can still pull pranks and misbehave, you're the only one here fool enough to go up against Milord."

Kel gave a low laugh. "Yes but you forget that I don't do those kinds of things," she retorted equally quite. Dom just smiled and rode ahead of her; the men resumed their conversations, thoroughly warned against their usual behavior. Kel sighed as she was once again left alone with her thoughts. She wished Dom had stayed behind to talk with her and make her laugh so she would forget that anxious feeling in her chest at seeing Joren again. Raoul must have noticed her apprehension a moment later because he was suddenly beside her.

"I know you're worried about being at Stone Mountain what with all the trouble that boy gave you as a page," Raoul began, Kel gave him a confused look. "I heard about it from some people," he explained. Kel nodded and he continued, "but don't worry Kel we'll look after you and make sure nothing bad happens okay?" Raoul assured her.

"Thank you Milord, but I doubt Joren will be trying to do anything anymore. He is a squire now and probably too busy for that." Kel said, brushing off his concerns because the only thing Joren really wanted to do to her these days was kiss her senseless.

"Still watch yourself okay? These people are going to be watching you." Raoul warned.

Kel tilted her head and smiled at her knight master despite the twinge of pain she felt settle in her chest. "People have been watching me for years and hoping that I fail, I'll be fine Milord." Kel insisted.

Raoul gave a deep sigh, "enough of this 'milord' business it's just Raoul." He mumbled. Kel chuckled knowing that the conversation was over. She appreciated Raoul's fretting over her but she also felt distressed by it. She was supposed to be able to handle this; she didn't need Raoul or the men of the Own babysitting her because they were afraid she could manage a few conservatives that didn't like her. She felt the need to cut herself arise again and she swallowed trying to push the feeling away. She was surrounded by the Third Company and there was no way she could escape for a few moments to partake in her habit. Kel resolved to wait until they had stopped at Stone Mountain, no doubt that she could steal away for a bit during the hustle and bustle of everyone unloading and starting to erect the structures for the tournament.

Kel stared at the home of Joren as it became closer and closer and she resisted shuddering when they passed through the small village. The people quickly lowered their heads, refusing to meet the eyes of the procession before them, others ducked into doorways to avoid them. Kel had never seen so many people afraid of nobles or the members of the King's Own whose sole purpose was to protect the people of Tortall. All too soon they were walking through the gates that lead to the courtyard where the Lord and Lady of Stone Mountain stood tall and proud awaiting their arrival. Lord Raoul head towards them and Kel followed. She had this feeling like someone was watching her and she quickly glanced up and saw Joren's form standing at a window above her intently staring at her. She kept her face impassive, still unsure of where they stood with one another. The staring contest was broken by Dom who called her name happily.

"Kel!" he said coming up beside her and throwing an arm around her shoulders. She turned to look at his smiling face. "Come on ahead into the stables and leave the greeting to Lord Raoul." He said gently leading her towards the stables, Peachblossom and Hoshi trailing behind them.

"Good idea," Kel agreed.

"So back to this 'you're allowed to misbehave' business I have an idea-"

Kel cut him off. "Dom there is no way you're going to get me involved in one of your schemes." Kel said shrugging off his arm and pulling Peachblossom and Hoshi into stalls next to each other. Dom put his horse on the other side of Hoshi and talked to her and the other men as they unsaddled their horses. Kel laughed often as the men exchanged insults and rude gestures while teasing one another. She even helped the men tease Dom with a story Neal had shared with her from when he and Dom where children and had somehow managed to set their aunts curtains on fire and track mud all up the wall in a matter of minutes of being left alone.

"The look on her face," Dom piped in when she finished her story. Wolset was wiping away a tear from laughing so hard. Kel turned back to Peachblossom and hid a smile while she continued to brush him. Lerant after taking care of his horse had brought Lord Raoul's stallion into the stables to take care of. Kel and the men of the Own continued to chat while they took care of their horses when Joren entered the stables. Kel was only aware of his arrival by the flash of blond she saw from the corner of her eye and the silence that swept through the stables. Dom moved to stand next to Kel and crossed his arms, frowning at Joren. Kel saw something flash in Joren's eyes as he strode up to her and Dom.

"It's good to see you again Keladry," Joren greeted, using her full name to avoid familiarity. Lerant looked up sharply at the heir of Stone Mountain, clenching Raoul's horse's tact in his hands. Wolset was looking from Kel to Dom to Joren trying to decide if he should interfere and remind Dom they were to be on their best behavior.

"Hello Joren," Kel greeted her eyes searching his face trying to understand why he was there and what it meant.

"Yes, Hello Joren," Dom parroted.

"I don't believe we've met," Joren said to Dom, extending a hand. "I'm Squire Joren of Stone Mountain."

"Sergeant Domitian of Masbolle, Third Company of the King's Own," Dom took Joren's hand out of politeness and shook it firmly, too firmly. Joren returned the hard squeeze his own ice blue orbs glaring all the while.

"Pleasure to meet you," Joren remarked flippantly and turned his attention back to Kel. "Like I said it's good to see you again Keladry." Joren sent her a severe look and turned and left the stables, leaving Kel confused and hopeful.

Joren left the stables trying to quench the jealous rage that was building up inside him. He didn't like that way that Dom moved next to Kel upon his entrance as if he was marking his territory. Joren could easily see that Dom fancied Kel and longed for more than her friendship, but Joren could also see the fresh marks on Kel's arms that were not as deep and that worried him. Joren sighed he was torn between his need to keep Kel at arm's length and his physical desire for her. Meanwhile Kel was in the stable listening to the men of the Own discuss Joren's appearance.

"The lad ain't right, comin' down here to make subtle threats at Lady Kel," Wolset growled out. "As if we'd let the likes of 'em harm her."

"I think Kel is quite capable of taking care of that fool herself." Dom commented causing Wolset and several others to look sharply over to their commanding officer. "From what my cousin told me Kel," he nodded to her and she hid a blush in Hoshi's neck, "took care of herself when he bullied her and several other pages. Though I lament Lord Raoul's orders to behave ourselves, I would love to put something squishy from the pond into his bed."

Wolset laughed. "We could always do somethin' later on in the Progress." Dom's face brightened at the suggestion.

"We could-" Dom began but Lerant interrupted him.

"I think it should be up to Kel if we do anything." Lerant pointed out. Kel suddenly felt several eyes on her.

She cleared her throat and spoke, "I think we should leave well enough alone. It would be the responsible thing to do."

"Responsible yes, fun no," she heard a man mutter.

Dom laughed, "as you wish milady." He gave her a mock bow and strode out of the stables whistling. Wolset shook his head sadly mourning his friend's crush on Kel that made him blindly agree with her. Raoul's orders be damned he wasn't going to stand by and let this Joren fellow think her could mess with Kel. The men of the Own had accepted her and adopted her as their little sister and he and the other men would make sure that no one hurt her. Oh he knew just as well as every other man here that Kel could take care of herself no doubt, but Wolset still felt protective of the fifteen year old squire and there would be hell to pay for anyone who tried to harm her. Even Dom would face the wrath of the men of the Own if he were to do something to Kel, because joining the Own meant becoming family with those you traveled with.


Kel left the stables shortly after Dom did; choosing to leave after the men fell silent and kept exchanging secret looks to one another. They were planning something and Kel refused to be a part of it. She walked along the building running her hand along smooth wood and rough stone lost in thought. What was Joren's motive for greeting her in the stable, there had to be one, Joren always had some sort of motive when he did anything and usually they were selfish reasons. She found herself in the field where men were setting up their tents. Kel sighed and resigned herself to set her own up, readjusting her pack on her back she made her way to where she and her knight master would pitch their tents. First she set up Raoul's because it was her duty as his squire and then went to work on her own. By the time she was finished the sun had begun to set and Kel decided that since Raoul had not made an appearance since their arrival that she would see how her horses were doing after seeing the sparrows inside her tent nesting on the ground for the night. Jump followed her happily back to the stables.

She entered to find the place empty of people and that suited her just fine. Walking over to where Peachblossom and Hoshi were she offered them apples and affection when she heard someone come up behind her. Kel quickly spun on her heels to come face to face with Joren. Her hazel eyes went wide and took in his appearance. He was well dressed in a tunic of Stone Mountain colors: gray and black, over a white shirt and black breeches.

Joren sighed at her worried and apprehensive look and pulled her into an embrace. "It is really good to see you," he said into her hair. Kel relaxed. Everything was okay.

"It's nice seeing you too," Kel told him. Joren nodded and pulled away and went to inspect her arms, her shirt already rolled up to expose them from earlier he could now see her new scars up close.

"What's this from?" Joren asked pointing to several fresh, thin cuts.

"Needle from my sewing kit. People ask fewer questions than with the one's from the knife. It's an improvement." Kel told him while Jump watched him. Jump had become accustomed to his mistress' newfound friendship with her one time enemy, but that didn't mean the dog wouldn't watch him closely for any signs that he would betray her.

"That's not an improvement Kel," Joren said running a gentle finger along the new scars and then pulling her arm up to his lips to kiss them. "It's just different."

"But I'm not using a knife anymore I thought you'd be-" Kel stopped searching for the right word. Not proud but, "relieved." She finished.

"You're still cutting," he pointed out. Kel pulled her arm out of his grip angrily.

"But I'm not using a knife." Kel insisted childishly, crossing her arms.

Joren sighed and pulled her into his arms again. He kissed her gently. "I know, but you're still hurting yourself. It doesn't matter how or with what all I care is that it's still happening." Kel looked away from him ashamed.

"I'm sorry," she said in a small voice.

Joren gently put his hand under her chin and made her look at him. "It's okay. I expect this will take a long time for you to deal with and recover from." That reminded Joren of his earlier musings. "Kel I need to talk to you." Kel braced herself for the inevitable bad news that always follows those words. "Kel I'll be there for you as long as you need but I need to know what and how far you're willing to take our other arrangement."

Kel blinked. That was most definitely not what she was expecting. "I – what do you mean?" Kel asked.

"I mean this," Joren swiftly kissed her with passion and his hands roamed her form. She faintly heard Jump let out a small growl towards Joren's actions but her senses were flooded with Joren, his scent, the feel of him beneath her own roaming hands, the sound of his clothing rustling from his movements and the low moan that formed in the back of his throat, the taste of his lips against her own and his tongue exploring her mouth and dueling with her own. Joren abruptly pulled away his ice blue eyes searching her passion fogged hazel ones. "How far are we taking this?" he gestured between them.

"I don't know," she admitted. "It's not like either of us planned for this to happen." Kel began.

"No that's definitely true."

"But I'm not opposed to just letting things take their natural course and see where it goes."

"Meaning?" Joren prompted.

"Meaning that we both unquestionably share a physical attraction to one another and I'm okay with that leading to whatever it leads to." Kel explained.

Joren nodded in understanding and kissed her again. They jumped apart when they heard someone call Kel's name nearby. "It seems they've sent a rescue party for you to make sure you're not at the mercy of one of the horrible people who live here," Joren remarked shakily, running a hand through his disheveled blond hair.

"You're not horrible." Kel told him. When Joren looked at her in disbelief she reaffirmed her statement with a firm "you're not." Joren shook his head.

"Kel!" The voice was louder this time and they both recognized it as Dom's.

Joren's eyes met Kel's, "later," he told her and slipped silently out the back door of the stables.

She sighed, "I'm in here!" She called out to Dom while quickly straightening herself up. She was smoothing down her hair when Dom ran happily into the stables.

"We've been looking for you everywhere Lady Squire. Dinner is ready." Dom grinned at her. Kel nodded and followed Dom out to where the Own was camped talking with him the entire way, unaware that Joren had returned to watch them. Yes he would definitely have to keep an eye on Dom while they were on Progress.


Later that night Kel sat alone in her tent, the sounds of the men sleeping filled her ears but she could not fall asleep. She stared blankly at the tent ceiling and tried to empty her mind so that she could sleep but nothing worked. Her thoughts were filled with the conflicting emotions she felt. She was attracted to Joren without a doubt. She enjoyed kissing him and didn't mind the thought of doing more with him, but she couldn't ignore the way her heart fluttered when Dom flirted with her or the blush that would rise to her cheeks when he teased her. It was confusing. How could she be attracted to both men? She was fickle she supposed, and she had always known that Joren was attractive and Dom was as well, but it wasn't right that she had feelings for Dom and messed around with Joren. Kel turned and buried her head under her blankets. Kel felt the emptiness in her chest make itself known painfully and Kel pushed back frustrated tears. She was in for a long night of self-loathing and little sleep.

Kel was brought from her unhappy realization by the sound of someone entering her tent. She poked her head out from under her blankets and saw Joren silently walking into her tent and tying up the tent flap behind him.

"I was hoping you were still awake." Joren admitted coming further into the tent and sitting at her side on her bedroll.

"What are you doing here?" Kel asked.

"I told you we would continue this later." Joren told her before slipped into her bedroll and pulled her into a feverish kiss.

Kel returned the passionate lip lock eagerly and enjoyed Joren's hands on her and her own exploring Joren. She felt Joren's hands pull up her shirt to touch the skin beneath as his hands roamed upwards she felt him stop when he came in contact with her anti-pregnancy charm. Joren broke their kiss and went to inspect the charm on her neck.

"I guess you weren't kidding when you said you were willing to take this as far as it leads to." Joren said in a low tone.

Kel shrugged. "My mother pulled me aside that morning before you found me in the chapel outside the Chamber of Ordeal and gave it to me." Kel told him. "She said that I was free to make my own decisions about my body and wanted me to be safe."

Joren didn't speak at first, just simply rolled the charm around between his thumb and forefinger thinking. "I knew your parents were progressive but that's not something I expected."

"What do you mean?" Kel demanded pushing herself up on her elbows ready to defend her mother's actions.

"Nothing, I'm grateful she had the foresight to sit down and talk to you. No doubt living among boys all this time has made it difficult for you to ask about stuff like this." Joren told her trying to soothe her temper. Kel laid back as Joren's urging and he rested a head on her chest, listening to her heart beat. Kel absent mindedly stroked his hair while she thought about the embarrassing encounter with her mother and Joren's reaction to it.

"What are you thinking?" Kel asked, breaking the silence that had fallen.

"I'm thinking about asking you if you want to try out your new charm." Joren admitted, moving to look at her.

"I don't think I'm ready for that just yet," Kel whispered, her checks flushing red.

"There are other things we can do." Joren stated.

"Like what?" Kel asked.

"Like this," Joren leaned down to press his lips passionately against hers; she felt his erection against her thigh, hard and demanding. Kel gasped at the feeling and Joren's tongue invaded her mouth exploring every inch of her. Kel was wrapped in the sensations that were a mix of familiar and new. She felt Joren's hands tug at her shirt quickly pulling it up and over her head and arms that cooperated out of a primal instinct. It was when she felt the cool air hit her exposed breasts when her face turned red and she moved her arms to cover herself.

She heard Joren sigh above her and chucked. "Am I taking this too far?" He panted. Kel deliberated silently to herself before shaking her head. She knew from the talk of her fellow squires and the men of the Own that there were other things a man and a woman could enjoy together without having sex and she was curious to learn what it was. "Then do you mind uncovering your breasts?" Joren asked. Kel took a deep breath and did as she was asked. Joren's hands went immediately to the sensitive flesh and grabbed them. He rolled her nipples between his fingers and enjoyed the gasp she made. Kel shifted her hips and squeezed her thighs together trying to alleviate the tension she felt there. Joren kissed her and continued to knead her breasts before his mouth traveled along her neck, gently biting it and leaving bruises. He continued this down her collarbone and to her chest. When his lips engulfed one of her nipples she arched her back letting out a moan. Kel quickly covered her mouth with her hands and blushed. Joren paid no mind to her and continued his ministrations. His left hand went to attend to her other neglected mound while his right hand traveled to the waistband of her breeches. The hand dipped into them and rubbed against her womanhood through her loincloth. Kel gasped again at the alien but pleasurable feel. Joren continued to tease her before finally slipping his hand into her loincloth and into her wet folds.

Kel bit her lip trying to contain the mewl of pleasure that bubbled up her throat. Joren's long fingers stocked her entrance, fingers teasingly slipping in a centimeter before retreating, his mouth still on her breast the entire time while his fingers searched for the little button of nerves about her entrance. When he found it Kel hissed in a mixture of pain and overwhelming pleasure that she felt in her very bones that caused her body to shake.

"Too sensitive?" Joren asked when he stopped suckling at her nipple. Kel nodded. Joren gave her a reassuring smile before resuming his previous work, this time her made sure to rub near her clit and not directly on it. Kel bucked her hips into Joren's hand that worked her. Kel felt tense and confused by the sensations. She had known that being with a man was pleasurable but she hadn't known it would feel like this! Joren continued to drawn forth gasps and bitten off moans, he repositioned his hand so that he could work a finger into her wet welcoming body and his thumb continued to brush near her oversensitive bud.

Kel tensed at the intrusion and Joren groaned at how tight she was. Joren had been with women before but Kel was so very tight around his finger that gently prodded into her while Joren finally released her nipple from his mouth and moved to bury his face into her neck whispering for her to relax. She did and Joren proceeded to pump his finger into her tightness, working in another finger slowly. By the third finger Kel was grinding her hips into his hand, reaching for something completely unfamiliar to her but trusting Joren to lead her there. Her ears could detects the squelching sound Joren's fingers made as he thrust them into her and the feeling of her wetness dripping out past his fingers and more and more of it being produced by her aroused body. And then it happened. Her body started to convulse and the pleasure completely wrapped itself around her, Joren continued to pump his fingers into her and run his thumb now directly over her clit as she rode wave after wave of her very first orgasm. He continued to do this until her hand grabbed his wrist, her body too sensitive to his touch. Joren pulled his hand from her pants while Kel lay on her bedroll panting.

She looked over to see Joren licking at his fingers sticky with her juices and she groaned. Joren chucked. "How do you feel?"

"Amazing," she said, awe evident in her voice. Joren smirked. Kel could still feel the bulging erection against her leg and she looked at him very seriously before asking "how do I make you feel like that?"

Joren looked at her for a moment before insisting that it wasn't necessary. "Kel you don't have to. I can take care of it myself."

"Joren we're not in a relationship," Kel pointed out. "This whole thing between us is about both our physical gratification." Joren's eyes bore into her before he sighed, conceding to her logic and his own burning need. Joren took hold of her hand spit into it and pushed it into his pants where it brushed against his erection. Her formed her hand around it and told her to grip it. Kel did and Joren tensed.

"Not that tightly, a tad looser." He gasped out. She followed his instructions and when she had a hold of it the way he liked she looked at him for further instruction. Her heart was still pounding in her chest from her orgasm and partly from the thrill and the forbidden feeling their affair had. "Now start moving your hand up and down." Kel complied and Joren threw his head back and stifled a moan. "Like that, twist a little bit when you get to the head." He ordered.

Kel stilled her hand and looked at him confused. "The what?" she inquired.

"The head, the end of it, gods! Please don't stop," he sputtered out. She resumed her movements and Joren let out a deep sound in his chest. Kel received no more instruction from Joren so she continued for a few moments like he had told her before she fell into a rhythm, albeit an awkward one before she started to experiment with different things. On one down stroke she held him in her hand as tightly as she dared to without hurting him on an up stroke she spread her fingers out and wiggled them. Each time she did something like this Joren would gasp suddenly and then let out a long drawn out groan of pleasure. Kel began to enjoy the heady powerful feeling she got from her actions. She could do this to him. Kel quickened her pace and then just as quickly slowed down. She continued this random, inexperience pattern until he stiffened and let out a moan and she felt something hot spurt out of his manhood. Startled she let go only to have Joren quickly put his hand around hers again and pump him until her was satisfied. When he released her hand she removed it from his breeches and inspected the whitish body fluids on her hand. Remembering how Joren had licked his own hands when he'd removed them from her she gave a tentative lick to the substance on her hand. It was bitter.

"You don't have to do that," Joren panted, pushing her hand away from her mouth.

"But you did it," Kel pointed out.

"Yes but you taste good down there," Kel blushed at his admission. "I hope one day can put my mouth there and pleasure you." His words made her feel oddly warm and scandalized.

"That's disgusting." Kel told him. "Why would anyone put their mouth down there?"

"Because it feels good," Joren answered sleepily. His body was well relaxed after his release.

"Well it's still weird." Kel said firmly.

"We can ease into that then if you like. I think I'm quite content to use my fingers on you." Joren said.

"I don't think I want to ease into that." Kel admitted. "It seems so…" she was at a loss for words.

"That's okay we don't have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. But you might change your mind after you get bored of me just using my hands to get you off." Joren told her seriously. "I'd better go." Joren added. He stood up from her bedroll and looked down longingly at her breasts before wincing and looking down at his crotch. "Well this is going to be an uncomfortable walk back to my room." He sighed. "Until next time Kel." With that he was gone, sneaking silently and effortlessly out of her tent. Kel shivered at the cool air it let in when he did so and then searched for her shirt. She pulled it back on before looking around her tent. She was still awake and if she was honest with herself she could feel the stirring in her loins again since she had jacked off Joren. She lay back down into her bedroll remembering what Joren had done and slipped her fingers into her own breeches, repeating the ministrations Joren had done.

She had heard that men could pleasure themselves, so Kel logically assumed women could as well. She had assumed right. It didn't feel quite like Joren's rough and calloused hands but it still felt wonderful. Building up that same pressure and feeling in her stomach as before. Kel panted rhythmically with her hand and she felt her skin dampen with sweat. Before she knew it she was coming again, jerking her hips against her own hand. When she was satisfied she pulled her hand free and wiped her wet fingers on her breeches. Content she fell asleep.